Dear Mel Gibson,

You fucked up, dude. First you let MAD MAX 4 slide away from our grasp, now this whole “I hate Jews when I’m drunk” business. So here’s what you do now, Mel. There is one and only one way you can have a shot at fixing this: a documentary.

You already took the first step that I was gonna suggest, you are making arrangements to meet with leaders of the Jewish community to be scolded and hopefully learn some things. You will definitely be spending some time at the Holocaust museum, my friend. Probaly less than you deserve. But what I’m telling you is, you’re gonna have to film some of these meetings.

Like it or not, you are in the public eye (see your crazy movie PAPARAZZI for more info). Everybody knows you are a fuckin anti-Semite nutbag now, so if you’re gonna be Mel Gibson the Huge Movie Star again you need to convince us that we can trust you again. That’s why you’re gonna make this documentary about your journey from “crazy drunk guy who hates Jews” to the new, down-with-the-Jews Mel Gibson of the future.

The actual details of the documentary are up to you. The important things are

1. It is honest and probaly humilating to you
2. It shows you genuinely transforming yourself
3. ALL of the profits go to the Simon Wiesenthal Center or the Jewish Defense League or something like that so nobody gets on you about cashing in on your drunken bigotry

and most importantly

1. Your dad has to be in there

That’s right, your crazy, holocaust-denying dad. I know it’s tough, I know it’s embarassing, I know you’re gonna have a hard time convincing him to do it, but that loony motherfucker has got to be in the movie. When people see your dad, they will understand where this comes from. And they will have to see you talking to your dad, arguing with him, trying to convince him of why what he’s saying is wrong. Maybe even confront him about what he’s done to your life by teaching you this bullshit.

That way if the movie doesn’t save your career, at least people will get a kick out of seeing that lunatic on film. That could be some funny shit. You should tell him about the Holocaust mini-series you were developing for ABC (that just got cancelled) and see what he says.

(Also when this is all said and done please arrange for Samuel Fuller’s WHITE DOG to be released on DVD and then you can do an interview on there where you talk about the idea of whether bigotry can be unlearned or not.)

I hope you don’t call it THE PASSION OF MEL GIBSON or MAD MEL or anything corny like that. You know my tastes, you know I’d prefer a Maysles Brothers approach, just showing what happens, not sticking interviews or narration in there. But this is gonna have to be a personal story so if you want to narrate the thing and talk about your journey, that would work.

This won’t necessarily work. But it might. For it to work it has to be honest, and it has to show you genuinely learning. It has to show you talking to authentic, real life Jews about the way you were raised. You have to be open about the ugly things you have done or said or thought, and let these people be frank with you about how they feel about it. If you can’t actually learn anything then it’s a moot point, but if we can see the spark of recognition in your eyes, and if you are able to eventually win these people over on camera, then we might trust you again. Then every once in a while somebody will say, “Oh great, now they got Mad Max 4 coming out. Good ol’ Jew-hating Mel Gibson.” And everybody else will say, “What are you talking about? Didn’t you see that documentary? Give the guy a break.”

Now, I understand you are some kind of Academy Award winning director. Well, I don’t really know if you’re any good because I only watch you in MAD MAX or PAYBACK. Sorry. But this would be a good idea for your next directorial work. However, there is another thing you could try that might be even better. Go rent the movie PROTOCOLS OF ZION. It’s a documentary by Marc Levin, who also did SLAM. It’s not his best movie but it’s got some interesting stuff in there about crazy anti-Semitic shit going down after 9-11. That would be the perfect guy to direct this movie because he knows how to make a good documentary, he is very familiar with the subject matter, and he would be able to call bullshit on you and get in your face if necessary. So people won’t be able to dismiss the movie as self-serving PR.

Keep this in mind, Mel. Nobody really wants to see a LETHAL WEAPON 5. And we sure as shit don’t need WHAT GIRLS WANT EPISODE 2. We had pretty much given up on MAD MAX 4 ever happening, and we don’t need you for PAYBACK 2 because the second book is THE MAN WITH THE GETAWAY FACE where Parker has gotten plastic surgery to hide from the Outfit. So after APOCALYPTO comes out, we really don’t need you anymore. You need us, we don’t need you. So if you still want to make movies, like ones that are released in actual theaters and not just distributed on some neo-nazi web sight, you should consider my plan. I ask nothing in exchange, although a thank you on the credits would be flattering.

One other thing, Mel. Good job on the mug shot. You got a weird smiling-Tom-Delay meets intoxicated-Superman thing going. But if I may humble you even more than you already have been, I want to present an alternate scenario. What if you still had that crazy Saddam Hussein beard? Better yet, what if you had not yet publicly revealed the beard, and then BAM!, the mug shot comes out and you have the beard?

I mean think about it, that would’ve been incredible. You would’ve had a true shot at unseating, or at least being on a level playing field with, the current all time champion of the mug shot, Mr. Nick Nolte.

I know, coulda woulda shoulda and whatever elsa. But you know how I am, I strive for excellence, so I thought you might appreciate some constructive criticism on that one.

anyway thanks Mel. Let’s get this done. Maybe by the time you’ve saved your career there will be some country in the world where it would be safe to film MAD MAX 4. Let’s think positive.

thanks Mel,

–VERN

p.s. You know what would’ve been weird would be to be that cop. He pulls you over and he thinks “Holy shit, this is Mel Gibson.” That’s gotta be surreal enough, then you start yelling shit at him about Jews for no reason. And he probaly heard about all that PASSION OF THE CHRIST stuff, everybody debates about whether or not you hate Jews and all the sudden he is privy to the information that yes, I am pretty damn sure that Mel Gibson hates Jews. That’s a crazy turn of events during the night shift. He must’ve been pinching himself.