“I’m Paul Barlow, and this is my daughter Jo.”

“Malone.”

“You got a first name?”

“Yeah.”

Posts Tagged ‘Lorenzo Lamas’

Night of the Warrior (and my new column)

Tuesday, April 16th, 2013

tn_nightofthewarriorThis websight called Daily Grindhouse invited me to write for them recently, and I figured why not? I like days, I like grinding, I like houses. My new not-sure-how-regular-it-will-be-yet column, which goes under the working title of VERN’S PUNCH-QUEST, will be kind of like Slasher Search except I’ll be watching obscure b-action type stuff, mostly ones from the ’80s and ’90s that nobody’s recommended to me or anything, just ones that look cool or goofy. And hopefully some of them will turn out to be good.

For the first column I chose NIGHT OF THE WARRIOR starring Lorenzo Lamas. Click on the title to read it.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

Snake Eater III… His Law

Monday, April 30th, 2012
tn_snakeeateriii“I come for the girl. Now kindly dismount and offer her your most sincere apology.”

Part 3 came in 1992, but was not as emblematic of its times as part 2 was. So the best graffiti I could read said “PISS ON MY FACE.” Timeless.

One of the best things about SNAKE EATER III… HIS LAW is that it’s called SNAKE EATER III… HIS LAW. I’m not sure how many movies there are with an elipses in the official title, but whatever ones are out there I’m sure SNAKE EATER III… HIS LAW is in the upper percentile. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster

Friday, April 27th, 2012

tn_snakeeateriiPart 2 in the SNAKE EATER saga came a couple years later, in 1991, and has a definite early ’90s vibe. In part 1 the goofiest obviously-painted-by-Canadian-production-assistants graffiti I noticed was the one that said “SUPER RAD,” in this one it was “RAP HEADS.” So times are a changin’. It opens in a school gym full of African-American youths in Nike “Just Do It” t-shirts doing double dutch while others practice kung fu nearby. All the kids are being overseen by a paroled ex-troublemaker named Speedboat, played by Larry B. Scott (he played Lamar, the gay guy in REVENGE OF THE NERDS). Speedboat tells all the kids they gotta get ready for “the tournament,” and we never find out if it’s a fighting tournament, a jump-roping tournament, or some combination of the two. Two of them suddenly fall down and die from some bad coke, and the shit is on. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

Snake Eater

Wednesday, April 25th, 2012

tn_snakeeaterIn SNAKE EATER, Lorenzo Lamas plays a cop named Soldier Kelly. And it seems like that’s his given name, because even his sister calls him that. I don’t know if having that name subconsciously affected him or not, but he did grow up to become a soldier in the elite “Snake Eater” unit of the Marines. And he must be proud of this ’cause he always wears a belt buckle with a snake on it. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.