"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Sean vs. jealousy

Well looks like we all survived the Y2k which is good news in my opinion. Sorry about putting up the wrong column last week I hope it didn’t put anybody in a panic. But I guess if you were hiding down in a bunker and the only sight you went to for information was mine, then thanks a lot I preciate the support. If not then fuck off, I guess.

Well my new year’s resolution as far as I’m concerned is to try to get more established as an online film Writer. And in order to do that I realized I had to work my fucking ass off, starting this last week. And hell man I don’t know if you noticed but I did 1) this column 2) a whole hell of a lot of reviews and 3) a whole god damned awards show. I mean shit man you motherfuckers should be THANKING me for all this. In my opinion. And there is more to come.

So after doing those three things I think it’s high time to stretch my legs a little bit and get away from the topic of Cinema. I have a review of a new movie Magnolia coming up but I figured this is a column, sometimes I should keep the movie reviews in the movie review section, why don’t I use the column to just set my spirit free, look for a muse and just go fucking buck wild. I mean just use the column to do something a lot more personal, something about my past or my Journey or what is going on in my heart and soul, spirituality, etc. Or in this case Write about gossip. (read the rest of this shit…)

January 10th, 2000 | 1 Comment »

Nothing Lasts Forever: The Birth of Die Hard

If you’re like me, you’ve wondered for years how much Bruce Willis’s DIE HARD (1988) owes to the book it was based on, NOTHING LASTS FOREVER by Roderick Thorp. And then you bought the book on e-bay but didn’t get around to reading it for a while because of an addiction to Richard Stark novels. But now you finally read the whole thing, rewatched DIE HARD and are ready to share with the world a comparison of the movie to the novel. Me and you, we’re in this together, like Bruce and Sam in part 3. We’re gonna do this.

The “ultimate Die Hard dvd” has little mention of the original novel, other than director John McTiernan admitting he never read it. And a quick internet search (a research technique I expect to see in DIE HARD 4.0 if they ever really make it) brings up no detailed comparisons between the movie and the bool. But I’m sure there must be one out there somewhere. Fortunately, I am a fuckin pro at this shit. I done this for myself with MILLION DOLLAR BABY, POINT BLANK/PAYBACK, THE OUTFIT, two Seagal movies, and others. Also I have a commitment to excellence. So I guarantee this will be the #1 DIE HARD/NOTHING LASTS FOREVER comparison on the internet.

ENTER JOE LELAND

The book is about Joe Leland, not John McClane, a retired (not vacationing) cop going to visit his daughter (not wife) in L.A. at Christmas time. In the movie he’s estranged from his wife, in the book he was divorced from his wife and she later died. His daughter used to be married to a chump he didn’t like and has taken his name, Generro (in the movie that’s his wife’s maiden name that she uses at work).

Like in the movie, Leland is on the outskirts of an office party with his shoes off (washing his feet though, because he was told it keeps you from being tired at the end of a day) when he hears gun shots, because terrorists have taken the office hostage. He spends the rest of the book as a fly in the terrorist’s ointment, picking them off one by one, blowing shit up, communicating with them and police on the outside using a CB. Like in the movie, the terrorists are German, and sometimes talk in German so he won’t understand. One major difference is that the book always follows Leland, it doesn’t cut away for scenes on other floors of the building. So unless he’s spying on them, we don’t know what the terrorists are up to. (read the rest of this shit…)

January 10th, 2000 | 16 Comments »

Die Hard: With a Vengeance

DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE

My first time

Well I have found that a lot of my readers have also come to love the films of the Bruce Willis Die Hard series. But I wonder how many of you are in the same situation as me. Die Hard comes out in 1988, you love it. Die Hard 2 comes out a couple years later, pretty fucking good. Die Hard part 3 comes out but wait a minute, you are incapacitated and/or incarcerated at the time and are not able to ever get around to seeing the thing until letterbox video in the year 2000.

So yes, this is my first time for Die Hard With a Vengeance which is what they call part 3 for whatever reason, not sure about that one get back to me on that one later.

The other Die Hards took place in a limited setting – part 1, they take over a building. Part 2, they took over an airport. Part 3 opens by montaging New York city to the tune of “Summer in the City” by the Lovin Spoonful. You got the cars, you got the people, you got the stores and then oh yeah you got a big explosion. So right away you say wait a minute, these terrorists, these motherfuckers are working on a bigger canvas this time. That canvas, in my opinion, is called New York city. So it’s a whole different thing we’re dealing with here McClane.

Now the second difference here is that McClane doesn’t just happen to be there by coincidence. In fact he’s on suspension and he’s out drinking and they have to find him, because the mastermind who calls himself Simon asks for McClane specifically. (Not to give anything away but he is Hans Grueber’s brother out for revenge.)

In my opinion the opening is the best part of this piece. This one harkens way the fuck back to Bruce Willis’s Die Hard 1 (1988) in which John McClane was introduced as Hollywood’s most fucked up action hero. He’s separated from his wife, he fucks up bad and starts arguing with her, I mean the guy’s falling apart so much he’s walking around without shoes on. (read the rest of this shit…)

January 5th, 2000 | 18 Comments »

VERN2K

My friends, if you are reading this then chances are motherfuckers have erupted into chaos. The y2k millennium bug has stripped the world of much of its established technologies. The days look like night cause of the smoke in the air, the sound of sirens is familiar and the streets are filled with broken glass and the trampled skeletons of the weak. There most likely is no trustworthy money system due to the loss of bank records and computer databeses. The stores have been looted to the bone leaving only a matter of time before most of our resources are used up.

Your life may be in danger while you read this because you are among the elite, the computeratti. Either that or you have backstabbed others to get where you are. You probaly had to lie, steal, fight, maybe even kill for the electric power, computer system and phone lines that you are using to access this web sight. And I wanna tell ya bud I really preciate the support.

If today is Tuesday January 11 2000 or later and this is the most recent column posted, then I have missed the deadline for VERN TELL’S IT LIKE IT IS #15, my second column of the new Millennium 2000. To be frankly honest bud that means ol’ Vern has probaly gone out in a blaze of glory, I’m thinking maybe in a terrorist bombing, apocolypse type situation or battle with oppressive police forces. I guess I could have got run over, heart attack, shot or starved to death but I just hope its something good whatever it is. At the very least I got my computer ripped off or been taken prisoner by marauders. (read the rest of this shit…)

January 3rd, 2000 | 3 Comments »

X: The Man with the X-Ray Eyes

Well ever since I got out I’ve been trying to catch up with all the pictures I missed while I was out of the picture. But the truth of the matter is I never saw all that many pictures before I got in either. So I figure why only review new and recent movies, if I want to be a real film Writer I gotta study the classics.

So I turned to the American Movie Classics channel where my first classic was X directed by Roger Corman. This is the story of Dr. Xavier, who invents eyedrops that would kill a monkey but would make a man have x-ray vision. Yeah so Superman has that power plus he can fly but what the hell man, one power is pretty impressive too. Xavier uses the drops on himself, does some surgery, kills a man, and goes on some x-ray adventures. (read the rest of this shit…)

January 1st, 2000 | 1 Comment »

Hard Target

WARNING: This unfinished review here was written in the year 2000 when I was young and stupid. I’m leaving it here for the comments, for historical purposes and for my own accountability, but please if you’re just looking for a review of HARD TARGET read the one I wrote 16 years of wisdom later.

Well as you can see above, I reviewed John Woo’s HARD BOILED long ago. In that review I was obviously right about a bunch of crap that I said. For example, HARD BOILED is still a masterpiece. And as I predicted, CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON was a masterpiece that blew away the combined artistic merit of every American Chow Yun Fat movie times ten. But I was wrong that after the success of CROUCHING TIGER my man Fat would never do an american movie again. Back then I would’ve been happy to hear that but that’s because I never saw fucking BULLETPROOF MONK. Oh for crying out loud, what is the man doing? (read the rest of this shit…)

January 1st, 2000 | 25 Comments »

Beavis and Butt-Head Do America

This is a cartoon but its not for kids and its not Japanese. If you don’t know in japan the cartoons are not only for kids, there is also demon raping, etc.

Bruce plays Muddy Grimes, a scruffly dude not unlike myself who tries to con two dumb heavy metal kids into smuggling a powerful weapon for him. Bruce does not have as much screen time as you would like but the story of these two little pricks Butthead and Beavis is pretty funny. Kind of reminds me of the old pink panthers how they go around and get chased by the FBI and then save the day and have no clue any of this shit went down. (read the rest of this shit…)

January 1st, 2000 | 7 Comments »

Gummo

What this picture is about is these two kids who go around riding their bikes and hunting cats, and there are alot of filthy houses, and ugly rednecks talking shit about the blacks and punching each other. Then they find a dead cat and just keep shooting it with pellet guns. In the opening scene two kids are making out in a junkyard and the boy finds a lump in the girl’s tit. Later this guy is trying to make out with a black midget and Chloe Sevigny teaches her little sister how to pull hairs out of her nipples with duct tape. (read the rest of this shit…)

January 1st, 2000 | 3 Comments »

Rudy Ray Moore: Rude

I’m sure most of you motherfuckers know that Rudy Ray Moore is one of the pioneers of independent Cinema, one of the greatest orators of our times and easily the rawest presidential candidate of the last two decades. What you might not know is that in addition to his fine collection of pictures (Dolemite, Petey Wheatstraw, Avenging Disco Godfather, etc.) Mr. Moore has a live concert film in the style of the Eddie Murphy standup pictures he did back when he was trying to copy Richard Pryor instead of dress up in a bunch of funny disguises and fart. (read the rest of this shit…)

January 1st, 2000 | No Comments »

Armageddon

Well this is not a good movie in my opinion. In fact WHAT the fuck is my man Bruce doing in this piece of garbage. I bet when he watched the premiere for this shitpile he started feeling nostalgic for those baby movies.

Now right away I knew something was a-fucking-miss when it opens with a picture of the earth and you got Charlton Heston talking about the dinosaurs. Is there a stupider way to start a movie about astronauts? I mean make up your mind is it dinosaurs or astronauts. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. WHAT THE FUCK in my opinion.

What this movie is about is not dinosaurs but a group of tough, sweaty oil drillers who like to run around and shoot at each other, or go on motorcycle chases or whatever. Okay so far so good. Then the government says look you oil drillers, we’re teaching you how to be astronauts so we can send you up on a space shuttle to land on an asteroid and drill a hole in it because to save the world from asteroids, yunnerstand. The oil drillers say only if we never have to pay taxes again, ha ha ha, see, everyone can relate because you hate to pay taxes. Funny.

Now I think personally the asteroid part is enough to know this movie is nonsense but just in case. We got aerosmith songs with people playing with animal crackers on a gal’s belly. We got a singalong before they take off into space. We got this magic boots that make convenient to help them walk on asteroids instead of float. We got motherfuckers driving around in moon cars going off jumps like the dukes of hazzard, with an iron skull on the stickshift. I mean in my opinion that’s cool but NASA should not be wasting money on this shit. (read the rest of this shit…)

January 1st, 2000 | 7 Comments »

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