"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

The Reviewing God Named Vern looks at the EXORCIST: The Version You’ve Never Seen Before!!!

Hey folks, Harry here with a look at THE EXORCIST: THE VERSION YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE that has opened up in over 600 screens across the country…. Now, some of you good folks are concerned that it will never play in your little neck of the woods… Well, this rerelease is being handled in a ‘platform’ manner. What this means is this… between now and the middle of October, you will see THE EXORCIST open on more and more screens nationwide… the word has it, that it’ll be on around 2000 screens when all is said and done. Meanwhile, the reports I’m getting from this release thus far is that all nighttime screenings in San Diego have already sold out (according to ‘surfbrat’) I just got back in Austin from the World Premiere of this version… Which is actually a bit different than the test marketed film that played in Austin. But more on that later… Here’s Vern… now be really afraid… he’s scary…

THE EXORCIST: THE VERSION YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE

Dear Harry and friends. Last night I went to a promotional screening of the big movie for this coming weekend. Now it is not often that ol’ Vern is allowed to see a picture before its official release, so I decided to throw you boys a review and see if it sticks. I hope you are willing and able to share it with all your fine readers.

Now, alot of motherfuckers are familiar with the 1973 William Friedkin directed Catholicsploitation picture known as THE EXORCIST. But are you familiar with THE EXORCIST: THE VERSION YOU’VE NEVER SEEN? (read the rest of this shit…)

Urban Legends: Final Cut

In 1995, those of you who were living in the free world first discovered a talented young group of filmmakers who seemed to come out of nowhere with the phenomenally popular crime movie The Usual Suspects. I don’t think anybody thought the movie was profound, but it was a fun novelty, obviously made by a couple of film school whiz kids. If something with this much attention to detail and audience manipulation is their first movie (well, not counting the god awful Public Access, which at the time had only played film festivals) – what will they be doing, say, five years from now?

Well let’s see. Director Bryan Singer made the nerd community feel cool for a while with his acclaimed movie version of X-Men. Script Writer Christopher McQuarrie, who actually won on Oscar award for Usual Suspects, made his directing debut with the halfway-there-to-great-Badass-picture Way of the Gun. And now editor/composer John Ottman is taking his shot by directing (and editing and composing) Urban Legends: Final Cut.

But I mean, that’s nothing to brag about. (read the rest of this shit…)

Badass Movie Ballot

Well here it is, friends. If there are ANY regular readers out there you might be happy to know that the time has finally arrived for finalizing the World Badass Committee’s Top 100 Badass Pictures of All Time list. This is a project that I started way back in Vern Tell’s It lIke It Is #38, when I asked:

So please my friends, ladies and fellas, send me your top Badass movies of all time. The definition is up to you. You can send me as many as you want, except not over 100. Please try to have them in approximate ranking order (your favorite first) and put the name of the Badass performer in parentheses afterwards.

I got many responses, and believe me people I am very grateful. And most of you came up with some great ones. I was happy to get a lot of votes for individuals like Clint, Steve McQueen, the Bruces, etc. However you can’t say my readers aren’t worldly. There were many contenders of many nationalities, and from all eras including many movies I never even heard of. I believe Toshiro Mifune got more of his movies on there than Schwarzenegger or Van Damme. That motherfucker really is popular with you guys. (read the rest of this shit…)

The Way of the Gun

You know what, I got me a new theory. Look out people. If this theory pans out its gonna be in the textbook for Badass Cinematical studies for now on. It is about the difference between ’70s Badass filmmakers and ’90s Badass filmmakers.

The difference is, the ’90s boys went to college. Or read alot of books. Studied alot of movies. The ’70s boys traveled the world, drank alot of whiskie, got in fights and drag races. The ’70s boys had a natural knack for the poetry of Badass Cinematics, while the ’90s boys had a great knowledge of technique and equipment and approaches to witty dialogue. Now obviously there are many exceptions to this rule, but it is a good sweeping generalization to ponder. The ’70s masters like Peckinpah and Leone and Siegel and Mr. Eastwood had an effortless feel to their films, like it was just something that came out of their pores. The ’90s ones, even the really good ones, usually seem like they put a whole fucking lot of thought into it. Drew alot of schematics and diagrams. And figured out how to do it just right. (read the rest of this shit…)

Nurse Betty

(released overseas as Soapdish 2000)

There has been alot of “buzz” and “Juice” as well as “acclaim” surrounding this picture. So, that I am, I decided to go see it BEFORE this week’s Badass release, Way of the Gun. I would like to apologize right now for my lapse in judgement and lack of support for the Badass movement. What in fuck’s name was I thinking. I must have been suffering from temporary trauma induced delusions like the gal of the title.

There are many surprises in the picture. For example, Betty is not really a nurse. I mean you go see a movie called Nurse Betty, you expect AT THE VERY LEAST this Betty gal is a nurse. But no, she is a waitress who wants to be a nurse, and is obsessed with a doctor on this one soap opera. Then Chris Rock and Morgan Freeman kill her fuckwad husband right in front of her, and she goes wacko and goes across the country thinking she has to reunite with her “ex-fiancee”, the fictional doctor from the soap opera. So Morgan and Chris follow her around and then she meets the actor who plays the doctor. (read the rest of this shit…)

Labor Day – interview with the porn man

Hey guys how’s it goin sorry about last week’s column. SOMEBODY woke up on the wrong side of the bed, huh? Jesus.

This week I thought I would do something kinda special in honor of the Labor Day holiday. In honor of the people. You see, there are many individuals in the world, but the ones I feel the strongest for are the working men and women. The people who bust their ass muscles every day, usually for some asshole in a tie or for some soulless corporation. Or even better, there are the people who work hard and don’t get much respect and don’t get paid shit, but in a field they are passionate about. And not working for a chain, or for the man. For some ma an pa type business is what they call it, a small locally owned place. (read the rest of this shit…)

Cecil B. DeMented

For the first time in the one (1) year since I got out, I feel like someone has heard me as I shouted to the sky my feelings about the Cinema. Or at least came up with the same ideas seperately. Mr. John Waters is the filmatist in question and this gentleman has created one of the greatest movies EVER about the movies to come out in the last year at least from the ones I have seen. Which is not many but still. This is a must-see picture for Cinema Outlaws like you and me because it takes all of our arguments and wads them all up into a big ball and then molds them into the shape of an entertaining movie.

It is kind of weird seeing a John Waters picture around the same time you see one about GG Allin. John Waters if I remember correctly had a friend who dressed up like a woman and ate poodle shit. That in my opinion is pushing the envelope further than GG Allin since Allin was only eating his own shit. When it is your own shit you got a pretty good idea what’s in it, you are able to control it. With a poodle, who the fuck knows what that poodle is shitting out. I mean jesus dogs do some pretty sick shit. Like one time I saw a dog in this rat infested junkyard, well forget it this is maybe not the best tangent to go on I don’t really want to think about all this shit eating. (read the rest of this shit…)

God damn it stop talking about Survivor

Man, is it just me or is everybody else SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT FUCKING SURVIVOR!?

I never even SEEN the fucking show I still gotta be treated like it’s the dearest thing to my heart. The one thing that makes me a man. The very center of my religion. I get up in the morning, my clock radio’s telling me about Survivor. I turn on Good Morning America or Today Show or some shit, they got a panel of experts talking about how they kept the ending a secret, what are they gonna do now, interview some naked guy that was on the show, interview some gal’s dad, show clips from last night’s episode of Dave Letterman where they also interviewed the same retards about the same boring bullshit.

And is that unfortunate or what, to have a fine comedian like dave letterman forced to spend half his show talking about some other show the network is trying to promote. I bet the cbs suits had meetings all about it, and they probaly came up with a catchy name for the format, like comedmercial or infolaffs or synerhilarity. It’s too bad entertainment tonight is a syndicated program instead of a cbs program. Wouldn’t it be beautiful to hear, “Coming up later on ET, we have an exclusive preview of tomorrow night’s ET, where we will show a clip from tonight’s episode of David Letterman, where Dave will discuss yesterday’s episode of Survivor. But first, Jim J. Bullock’s tragic allergies that almost brought his Survivor watching to a premature end.” (read the rest of this shit…)

The Iceberg is mine, motherfuckers

I wonder if any of you boys have ever read the literary works of Iceberg Slim. For those of you who don’t know, Iceberg is an individual who, like me, had some trouble with the law. He got sucked into the belly of the beast and years later, shot out its ass with 100% Writer’s blood flowing through his veins.

As you might be able to guess by his handle, Iceberg was a pimp. And a damn good one, to hear him tell it. Iceberg was born in 1918 so we’re talking back in the 30’s 40’s and 50’s prostitution scene. He worked primarily out of the southside of Chicago, a good place for pimps, apparently. Unfortunately for him, and fortunately for us, he went down about three times and had to retire. He moved out to Los Angeles California and wrote his first book, Pimp: The Story of My Life which was published in 1967. It was and is a huge influence on modern crime fiction and rap music. It has been a noted influence for everybody from Irvine Welsh to Ices Cube and T. It is not only one of the greatest books ever written by a criminal, but also has the distinction of being the second best title ever for an autobiography, after Roger Vadim’s Deneuve, Bardot, Fonda: My Life With the Three Most Beautiful Women in the World. (read the rest of this shit…)

The Cell

Oh jesus I wanted to like this movie. I am a big fan of the artists, and shit if this one isn’t made by some kind of artist. I guess the dude is a mtv music video director named Tarsem. At first I thought “Holy shit Tarsem is directing now? I thought he was dead.” Then I remembered I was thinking of Sabu. Tarsem is a different guy.

Anyway this movie is about as pretty as I’ve ever seen when Tarsem lets loose. There are fantasy world imageries of magic horses and deserts and sailboats and the virgin Mary and weird doll people and little skeleton horses and evil clowns tying a dude’s intestines to a music box and etc. These don’t look like any movie I’ve seen before, they are bright and weird and perfectly designed like some kind of psychedelic painting, the ones made by a real master artist not just some hippie that paints mushrooms and mad hatters and hangs them up at the local cafe. I’m talking the real deal. (read the rest of this shit…)