Didn’t get a chance to link this earlier, but The Ain’t It Cool News is running my review of the new straight to video WILD THINGS sequel. It really is called WILD THINGS FOURSOME. It’s easy to assume they only made the movie in order to use that title, but it actually kind of seems like the 4th person in the foursome (not pictured) was added in at the last minute. She’s barely in the movie at all.
By the way, two or three of the talkbackers there remind me how cool you guys are. Good job being cool, everybody.
Hey fellas,
I think we can all agree that WILD THINGS is a unique gem of the ’90s, right? A straight-faced but knowingly hilarious, amped-up take on the sleazy erotic thriller. It has everything you’d expect in a movie like this, except Shannon Tweed. It’s got murder, staged death, false rape accusations, a swimming pool cat fight, a threesome, big boobs, Kevin Bacon’s wang, Bill Murray, and the most convoluted series of double-crosses ever on film (so complex that it flashes back during the end credits to show that you still don’t know who was in on what with who). It found the perfect use for Denise Richards, showed that director John (HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER) McNaughton could have a laugh and taught me that Florida is a humid battleground for wars between the swimsuit-wearing super rich and the jealous “swamp trash.” This was helpful to know around then because they elected Jeb Bush governor, then it was Elian Gonzalez, butterfly ballots, Bush v. Gore, Terry Schiavo media frenzy, etc. Maybe WILD THINGS was trying to warn us. (read the rest of this shit…)
John Travolta plays Scott Barnes, a social worker who plays by his own rules. He was a rich investment banker or something until 4 years ago his son died of a drug overdose. He blamed himself and his alcoholism so he quit drinking and took this job. Of course, you know how it is: red tape, the fuckin bureaucrats, etc. He has to break the rules and defy orders from his asshole boss just to help out sad old men and endangered kids and stuff. Nobody else seems to give a shit and his boss is always looking for an excuse to take away his gun and badge, or whatever. “BARNES! IN MY OFFICE. NOW!” 
I’m not sure why I’m okay with the title WES CRAVEN’S NEW NIGHTMARE. It’s one of those dated titles, because it’s not new anymore. And is the actual title supposed to be “New Nightmare” and it’s presented by Wes Craven? Because I always think of Wes Craven as being part of the actual title, that it’s about his nightmare. I don’t know. Anyway, it fits.
THE BOONDOCKS is finally returning for season 3. It starts tonight at 11:30 on the Cartoons Network. It’s been a couple years since season 2 so that makes this the first Boondocks episode of the Obama age. I don’t know if he was kidding or not, but a mass email from a guy who works on the show claims this episode is about Werner Herzog (!?) looking back at the 2008 election from the future.
WAKE IN FRIGHT is a fever dream of a movie from Australia circa 1971 and director Ted Kotcheff (FIRST BLOOD). It stars Bond… Gary Bond as a teacher leaving for Christmas break from a school he’s stuck teaching at out in the middle of nowhere in the outback. He hates it and is desperate to make it back to Sydney and see his surfer girlfriend. But it’s a long trip and while staying the night in a town called “The Yabba” he goes out for a drink. And it turns out to be a long fucking night. 
BREAKDOWN is a highway suspense thriller starring Kurt Russell. He’s got his wife asleep in their fancy new truck, going on a trip, he takes his eyes off the road onto his coffee thermos for a second, almost nails some gentlemen of the rednecked community who back out into the road in front of him. When he stops at a gas station those guys show up and start puffing their chests out, commenting on his truck. So it’s got that class tension, that tourist guilt that I always dig in a horror or suspense type picture.
Some of you may remember that I didn’t review 
Well, I’m feeling good, my new book is getting good reviews, I got the next two days off work. What should I do? How ’bout review something even more obscure than the other day’s comments-killer THE DEADLY ART OF SURVIVAL? I mean, if I had to guess I’d say this one was probly a little better known that that one, but I can’t even find it listed on IMDb. So everybody’s gonna think I made it up. They need documentation and records. But I swear to you, I watched GINGER BAKER IN AFRICA on an officially released DVD and everything.
To celebrate the release of my new review book that’s named after Bruce Willis it’s only appropriate that I review a Bruce movie I never reviewed before. And by far the most requested title in that category is the notorious-flop-turned-minor-cult-movie HUDSON HAWK.
This movie came out in 1979, but it opens with the hero doing moves in front of a black void like so many ’80s ninja and karate movies. Instead of having credits written on the screen this guy says them out loud, introducing himself and the name of the movie. And it’s a hell of a name. If a movie called THE DEADLY ART OF SURVIVAL was no good it would still have a leg up on most other movies, because most other movies aren’t called THE DEADLY ART OF SURVIVAL. I don’t know if “good” is the best word to describe what this is, but it’s at least interesting. 
