"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

The Craft: Legacy

THE CRAFT: LEGACY is, in my opinion, a remaquel. It technically takes place after the events of the 1996 film, with new characters, but the basic setup is intentionally a repeat, and the sequel part plays like it was meant to be a surprise at the very end. I believe that if they cut that scene and the subtitle then everyone would’ve accepted this as just a remake with some nice twists and changes in details.

Whatever you want to call it, it works best as a companion piece, a compare-and-contrast exercise, and there’s quite a bit that lines up. Once again we have a new girl moving to town with her single parent, she befriends the three outsider girls who are in need of a fourth person for their witch’s circle, they successfully cast some spells on their tormenters, including a mean jock boy who she causes to start following her around being nice to her. A small difference is that it’s not a Catholic school this time, so they get to be straight up goth without taking liberties with the school uniform. A bigger difference is that the newcomer’s family is central to the story. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 5th, 2026 | 4 Comments »

The Craft

I saw THE CRAFT when it came out 30 years ago. I’m a little younger than the actors, so I was a little older than the characters, and thought I was above it, going to see it for a laugh. This is what they think teens think is cool, ha ha ha. But I was not as removed from that life as I imagined I was. I was practically the target audience, I just didn’t want to admit it.

Watching it now, of course, there’s an added layer of nostalgia: for when music sounded like that, even though that wasn’t the stuff I was listening to; for when I would definitely have had a crush on Nancy, even though she’s a psycho and Rochelle is way nicer and prettier; for when they made movies like this, which is code for when I was young and the horizon was widening instead of narrowing. The good old days. Obviously.

I know I’ve seen bits of it on cable over the years, but I think this is the first time I’ve seen it in full since the theater. It’s an interesting type of teen horror because it’s not a body count movie, and it doesn’t exactly have an antagonist. It’s timeless teenage girl material like the sisterhood of girls who don’t fit in at school, revenge against bullies and exploitative boys, etc., and then they add the supernatural into that. I guess you could say some of that about CARRIE, though, couldn’t you? So maybe it was nothing new. But in 1996 it felt a little different to not have a Freddy to worry about. We are the Freddys, mister. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 4th, 2026 | 22 Comments »

Apex

APEX is a solid made-for-Netflix picture – nice looking, to-the-point, occasionally surprising, and a good showcase for its star, who happens to be one of my favorites. When I revisited ÆON FLUX recently I mentioned how ever since that movie I’ve thought of Charlize Theron as one of those rare actors who’s exactly as serious about the physical performance as the emotional, and excels at both. So, you know, she wins an Oscar for throwing herself into MONSTER and then when she does ATOMIC BLONDE she goes just as hard at fight training and stunt work as she did at portraying the inner life of a serial killer. Here she says you know what? I’m gonna learn how to climb rocks. I’m gonna climb so many rocks in this movie.

Not that that’s the entire topic. Her character Sasha enjoys extreme sports. In the opening she and her husband Tommy (the motherfuckin HULK Eric Bana!) are tandem climbing the Troll Wall in Norway. You know, climbing until they get tired, hanging a tent from the side at night, it’s fucking terrifying, who does that? Sasha and Tommy, that’s who. Though Tommy is getting wary that maybe he’s past his prime. (read the rest of this shit…)

April 30th, 2026 | 11 Comments »

The Christophers

THE CHRISTOPHERS is the latest Steven Soderbergh/Ed Solomon collaboration (after the mini-series’ Mosaic and Full Circle and the movie NO SUDDEN MOVE) and it’s another great one. It feels weird to say that it might be the best of them, because it’s so simple in its elements; it revolves around two characters talking in one location. It could definitely work as a play, but it feels much bigger than PRESENCE, Soderbergh’s 2024 limited location movie that could absolutely only work as a movie.

It contains many marks of a Soderbergh movie – the efficient editing, the David Holmes score, the elevation of a really interesting but not-yet-superstar actor, a confidence in the audience being able to figure things out – but it doesn’t feel like a repeat. In a way it’s a caper movie, but not at all like OUT OF SIGHT or an OCEAN’S or LOGAN LUCKY. It’s a serious character drama, but I laughed quite a bit. It’s full of suspense and twists, but I wouldn’t call it a thriller. It’s a story that brings up ideas about art and people, but in ways that aren’t too specific for us to interpret and puzzle over like one of the paintings the movie is about. And if you enjoy the powerhouse acting I came out thinking no one will see this and Ian McKellen will still get nominated. And that Michaela Coel might deserve one in a role that’s more about just reacting to him. (read the rest of this shit…)

April 29th, 2026 | 1 Comment »

Fatal Deviation

FATAL DEVIATION (1998) is “Ireland’s first martial arts film.” I had heard of it before but I didn’t realize it’s kind of infamous online. Cracked.com once did an article calling it “the worst film ever made” and “an ancient curse on the Irish people,” but that’s, frankly, an extremely stupid thing to say. Amateur shit. This review is for pros.

This is a no budget, shot-on-video, home made production faithfully following all the traditions of the western martial arts picture: a guy who left town long ago has returned to set things straight, there’s a fighting tournament, there’s a death to avenge, there’s a local crime boss, a woman to fight over, all conveyed crudely and awkwardly. In a good way. Absolutely it’s good for a laugh, but considering the amount of resources and level of experience here (virtually none), writer/director/star James Bennett has achieved the feat of making one of these movies admirably well, and with what seems like complete sincerity.

Bennett stars as Jimmy Bennett, “the young Bennet boy” who has returned to his home town of Trim, Ireland “to discover who I am, what it is I should do, and what happened to my father.” He breaks into and fixes up his dad’s old trashed barn as a place to live, work out, and train. (read the rest of this shit…)

April 28th, 2026 | 15 Comments »

Redline (2009)

I’ve been dipping into the occasional anime lately, and whenever I do one or more of you seems to recommend REDLINE (2009). I’ve been sold for a while, but every time I’ve thought to rent it it’s been checked out. Then I saw that it was playing in a series of anime screenings at my favorite Seattle theater (SIFF Cinema Downtown, f.k.a. Cinerama). I knew the visuals would be better on the big screen, but it didn’t occur to me the that sound would be the most important part until the bass from (music by James Shimoji, SURVIVE STYLE 5+) started thumping in my chest. It’s a racing movie, so the roaring engines are crucial as well, but that danceable techno beat is the key. I definitely wouldn’t have enjoyed this as much turning the volume down out or respect for the neighbors.

It’s set in the future, when intergalactic travel is old hat. The opening text notes that despite civilization having moved beyond the wheel, there are still “fools” who celebrate it in car races. I like how this frames the subject as old school people outside of the mainstream, passionately dedicated to something they’ve been told is obsolete. Very relatable! But this really doesn’t seem like a niche hobby. When our hero unexpectedly qualifies for the titular elite competition reporters mob him like he found a Golden Ticket. (read the rest of this shit…)

April 27th, 2026 | 6 Comments »

Night Patrol (2025)

NIGHT PATROL is a movie released by Shudder (first in theaters, now on their service) that has a promising premise. It’s kinda like TRAINING DAY but the corrupt cops are also vampires. In fact, I didn’t catch it until reading the credits but the main character’s name is “Ethan Hawkins.” The tagline is “Defang the police.” That’s good. I like that.

It has a cool, grainy look to it (cinematographer: Benjamin Kitchens) and an ominous, synthy score by Pepijn Caudron (CAMINO). It even has David S. Goyer’s name in the credits as a producer, so there is a distant connection to the greatest vampire movie that ever has been or will be made. So I was ready for this thing to really rip. And then it didn’t really, and I went on with my life, but here’s my review.

Hawkins (Justin Long, still not thought of as a horror guy even though he’s in JEEPERS CREEPERS, DRAG ME TO HELL, TUSK, BARBARIAN and COYOTES) is an LAPD officer who’s about to join the titular gang-like police task force. For the initiation they make him shoot a young Piru Blood named Primo (Zuri Reed, 2 episodes of The Get Down). At the time she’s with a guy named Wazi (RJ Cyler, POWER RANGERS, THE HARDER THEY FALL), who manages to escape. (read the rest of this shit…)

April 23rd, 2026 | 4 Comments »

Normal

Last week I asked Mrs. Vern if she’d want to see the new Bob Odenkirk action movie from the same writer as JOHN WICK and NOBODY. She loves both of those movies as much as I do (and Odenkirk going back to the Mr. Show days) so of course she did. Then on Saturday, as we were getting ready to go, she asked “What is this movie called, by the way?” I guess I’d sold her on it pretty much the same way I would a new Jason Statham – just the new Bob Odenkirk action movie. I hope he does another one and the poster says “ODENKIRK” at the top in giant letters.

NORMAL opens in Osaka, with a great Japanese cover of Black Sabbath’s “Paranoid” and a group of Yakuza atoning for some type of failure by cutting off a pinky and accepting a new job. The job sends them to some small American town called Normal, Minnesota.

Odenkirk does not play one of the Yakuza. He plays Ulysses Richardson, also a fuckup arriving in Normal for a shit job, though in narration he tries to sell it to us as a pretty good one. He’s the interim sheriff, because the old one died, so he’s there to stamp forms and maintain the status quo for the five weeks until the election. He’s playing dumb a little, though. He acts like there’s nothing suspicious, but we see his eyebrows raising at various red flags. We even see him looking at the sheriff’s death certificate and later quizzing the guy who signed it. I’m sure it’s nothing, though. Don’t worry about it. (read the rest of this shit…)

April 21st, 2026 | 16 Comments »

Humint

HUMINT (as in “human intelligence”) is a 2026 South Korean thriller from writer/director Ryoo Seung-wan (THE CITY OF VIOLENCE, ESCAPE FROM MOGADISHU). It stars Zo In-sung (THE GREAT BATTLE) as Manager Zo, an agent for South Korea’s National Intelligence Service who goes undercover to bust human traffickers.

In the opening he’s at a brothel to record the final testimony of his informant, Soo-rin, on the last day before they’re supposed to get her out and back to her family. When she escaped North Korea she was trafficked by the Russian mafia and now is heavily scarred, addicted and desperate. The trouble is that Zo’s handlers, talking to him in his earpiece, are only interested in the narcotics part of her story, and aren’t sure she’s given them enough. After Soo-rin causes a scene that draws the attention of her pimp, Zo learns that the budget to move her hasn’t even been approved yet. He bows his head and asks his team, “Is this seriously… the best we can do?”

Soo-rin gets a beating while he follows his orders to walk away and “not engage.” Except then he thinks better of it, and there’s an excellent fight scene. When more thugs arrive he pulls his gun, and his handlers tell him, “If you open fire there’s no turning back.” He thinks about it for a moment, then turns the gun around and uses it like a hammer. (read the rest of this shit…)

April 20th, 2026 | 4 Comments »

A Tree of Palme

As you may have seen I’ve been dabbling in a little anime lately, trying to find interesting ones that speak to me. I can’t remember what tipped me off to A TREE OF PALME (2002), but it’s one I found interesting, first because it has an unusual style and transports us to a distinctly strange fantasy world, then because it has a complex mix of tones and emotions that speak to the experience of being human and what not. Two things I enjoy in cinema.

I went in blind, and the first scene after the credits made me think it was gonna be kinda like DUNE. It’s night time in the desert, a blue-skinned warrior lady is being chased by goggled men driving mechanical spiders through the dust storm. They are transporting something covered in burlap that I’m afraid looks very much like a giant penis. The lady decapitates one of her pursuers in self defense but gets swarmed by some plants like the thing they’re transporting, which turn out not to be penises, but weird moving cactus things called Bolas. (read the rest of this shit…)

April 15th, 2026 | 2 Comments »

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