Archive for the ‘Science Fiction and Space Shit’ Category
Friday, June 22nd, 2001
OUTLAW CRITIC IS FIRST TO ADMIT, “I ACTUALLY THOUGHT A.I. WAS PRETTY FUCKIN GOOD”
SEATTLE, WA– Online film writer and cult hero Vern admitted earlier today that he thought Steven Spielberg’s artificial intelligence drama A.I. was “pretty fucking good, though.” This makes the ex-con and recovering alcoholic the first person he knows to admit liking the movie since its release two weeks ago.
“A lot of motherfuckers said it was too sentimental,” Vern wrote on his mildly popular film “web sight”. “But it’s about a robot who wants his mommy, what else is it gonna be like, asshole [punctuation his].” (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Haley Joel Osment, Jude Law, Stanley Kubrick, Steven Spielberg
Posted in Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit | 27 Comments »
Monday, January 1st, 2001
Well what do you know there are alot of individuals out there who think Vern is an ignorant fuck. He doesn’t know the films of World Cinema, only the latest hollywood crap or at best, the art house darlings. And I mean yeah, most of those individuals are right.
HOWEVER, I must point out that this is my second review IN A ROW of a movie that’s not in English. And this time, most of you motherfuckers probaly haven’t even HEARD of this movie. I mean how many of you could even NAME a movie from Macedonia, let alone review one? (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Christmas, New Year
Posted in Comedy/Laffs, Fantasy/Swords, Horror, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit | No Comments »
Monday, January 1st, 2001
Well, in the tradition of Scream 3 I have been watching bad sequels to movies I haven’t even seen in the first place. This is the sequel to Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine which is supposedly a good “spy spoof.” What a spy spoof is for those of you who are too young, they used to have movies like James Bond 007, which is about a secret agent who gets laid ALL the time and goes on adventures around the world and what not, with little devices and what not. You know what I mean. So these james bond pictures were so popular that spy spoofs became a pretty huge genre. What they are is they are in the same style as James Bond but they are a little more campy and fun, more entertaining, funnier, sexier, better, etc. But sometimes you can also take them kind of seriously even though they’re mostly for laughs. For example the best one was the Flint pictures, Our Man Flint and In Like Flint starring James Coburn one of the few who I would want to play me in a movie. This guy is also in 1998 Oscar winner Affliction and 1999 Outlaw Award Winner Payback. Anyway Derek Flint is this secret agent who has a team of beautiful gals working for him, and he flies around the country to teach ballet, he is a master of karate and can meditate so deeply his heart stops. And he has to stop a plan about this evil cold cream I believe. Well I don’t know man, it’s hard to explain to you kids with no context, you don’t know what james bond is obviously you’re not gonna know what the fuck a spy spoof would be like. Sorry. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Fabian, Mario Bava, Vincent Price
Posted in Comedy/Laffs, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit | 1 Comment »
Friday, August 18th, 2000
Oh jesus I wanted to like this movie. I am a big fan of the artists, and shit if this one isn’t made by some kind of artist. I guess the dude is a mtv music video director named Tarsem. At first I thought “Holy shit Tarsem is directing now? I thought he was dead.” Then I remembered I was thinking of Sabu. Tarsem is a different guy.
Anyway this movie is about as pretty as I’ve ever seen when Tarsem lets loose. There are fantasy world imageries of magic horses and deserts and sailboats and the virgin Mary and weird doll people and little skeleton horses and evil clowns tying a dude’s intestines to a music box and etc. These don’t look like any movie I’ve seen before, they are bright and weird and perfectly designed like some kind of psychedelic painting, the ones made by a real master artist not just some hippie that paints mushrooms and mad hatters and hangs them up at the local cafe. I’m talking the real deal. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Jennifer Lopez, Tarsem, Vince Vaughn
Posted in Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit | 7 Comments »
Monday, August 7th, 2000
You know what I fucking HATE? Chlamydia.
Just my 2 cents.
Anyway this week is an exciting week because for the first time in my career, I get to review a movie that one of my dedicated readers actually worked on. You see one of my best readers has been working over there in the tippet special effects studios where they did the starship troopers and etc. He has mentioned to me several times that they were working on a movie called Hollow Man. I think I mentioned this in my “summer movie preview” but when he saw some footage coming back he told me it looked like something they didn’t have to be embarrassed of. And I thought, that sounds like a good fucking movie.
Well now I’ve seen it and it looks like the “critical” “establishment” doesn’t agree with me on this one, but I think Hollow Man is some kind of moronic masterpiece. Well, they do agree with the moronic part. So I guess we are almost on the same page. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Kevin Bacon, Paul Verhoeven
Posted in Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit, Vern Tells It Like It Is | 3 Comments »
Monday, July 3rd, 2000
First off I would like to thank the two (2) of you who complimented me on my column last week, an autobiographical work which I have been working on for months as a piece of my memoirs but decided to post in my column. Of course I am not abandoning my home, the world of film Writing, however this is an example of the works I hope to pour my blood sweat and etc. into in the coming months and years. This is very important to me and yes there were two of you who mentioned this to me, this important new step in my life, and I do mean that literally. As in, one more than one, but two less then four, if my calculations are correct. thanks alot guys.
Second off there is the whole fourth of july deal. Not one of my favorite holidays actually, but what are you gonna do. The first thing I think of when I think of the fourth of July is Benji, the dog I had in the ’80s. Not one of your better dogs, he was only a cockapoodle, but the little guy was loyal, his breath was above average and his house breaking was above reproach. Except on the 4th of July. This motherfucker didn’t know what fireworks were, and no matter how many years he lived he just couldn’t remember “Oh yeah, that’s right, I remember that last year.” no, he runs all over the house peeing and shitting on the carpet like a god damned invalid. (except running.) I mean, at a certain point you just get embarrassed for a dog he keeps doing stupid shit like this. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Charlton Heston, vampires, Vincent Price
Posted in Action, Drama, Horror, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit, Thriller, Vern Tells It Like It Is | No Comments »
Saturday, January 1st, 2000
Well ever since I got out I’ve been trying to catch up with all the pictures I missed while I was out of the picture. But the truth of the matter is I never saw all that many pictures before I got in either. So I figure why only review new and recent movies, if I want to be a real film Writer I gotta study the classics.
So I turned to the American Movie Classics channel where my first classic was X directed by Roger Corman. This is the story of Dr. Xavier, who invents eyedrops that would kill a monkey but would make a man have x-ray vision. Yeah so Superman has that power plus he can fly but what the hell man, one power is pretty impressive too. Xavier uses the drops on himself, does some surgery, kills a man, and goes on some x-ray adventures. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Ray Milland, Roger Corman
Posted in Horror, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit, Thriller | 1 Comment »
Saturday, January 1st, 2000
Well this is not a good movie in my opinion. In fact WHAT the fuck is my man Bruce doing in this piece of garbage. I bet when he watched the premiere for this shitpile he started feeling nostalgic for those baby movies.
Now right away I knew something was a-fucking-miss when it opens with a picture of the earth and you got Charlton Heston talking about the dinosaurs. Is there a stupider way to start a movie about astronauts? I mean make up your mind is it dinosaurs or astronauts. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. WHAT THE FUCK in my opinion.
What this movie is about is not dinosaurs but a group of tough, sweaty oil drillers who like to run around and shoot at each other, or go on motorcycle chases or whatever. Okay so far so good. Then the government says look you oil drillers, we’re teaching you how to be astronauts so we can send you up on a space shuttle to land on an asteroid and drill a hole in it because to save the world from asteroids, yunnerstand. The oil drillers say only if we never have to pay taxes again, ha ha ha, see, everyone can relate because you hate to pay taxes. Funny.
Now I think personally the asteroid part is enough to know this movie is nonsense but just in case. We got aerosmith songs with people playing with animal crackers on a gal’s belly. We got a singalong before they take off into space. We got this magic boots that make convenient to help them walk on asteroids instead of float. We got motherfuckers driving around in moon cars going off jumps like the dukes of hazzard, with an iron skull on the stickshift. I mean in my opinion that’s cool but NASA should not be wasting money on this shit. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Bruce, Bruce Willis, Michael Bay
Posted in Action, Bruce, Reviews, Romance, Science Fiction and Space Shit, Thriller | 7 Comments »
Monday, August 30th, 1999
Anybody seen this movie. its probaly pretty old but – I just got out so I haven’t seen that many movies, but i just saw men in black at a girl’s house and it wasn’t that bad. personally i thought it was pretty stupid but there was some funny shit at times. she liked it i think i will ask her if i see her again (probly well, wink).
a couple a comments – number one, the black guy is okay i guess, but i don’t think he would last long inside. number two, i guess it was pretty funny at times. the woman, whatserfuck, she looked pretty good. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Tommy Lee Jones, Will Smith
Posted in Comedy/Laffs, Comic strips/Super heroes, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit | 84 Comments »
Let’s face it, only nerds watch cartoons.
