Archive for the ‘Reviews’ Category
Thursday, March 3rd, 2005
Two time Oscar winner Hilary Swank, hailing from Bellingham, Washington, stars in the explosive finale to the Karate Kid quadilogy. This one was Swank’s first starring role and came out in 1994, when movies were just as crappy but not quite as funny as their ’80s counterparts. The director is Christopher Cain, father of Dean Cain and director of The Amazing Panda Adventure.
Swank plays Julie, a pouty, sullen teenage girl who lives unhappily with her grandma after the death of her parents. Anything anybody says to Julie, she takes offense and throws a hissy fit. You know how old people are, they try to be nice but they don’t really understand where your teenage mind is coming from, so they offer you some lemon bars or something and you’re like “GOD DAMN IT WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!” and run out of the room crying. So then Julie goes in and stabs grandma to death in her sleep, while jerkin off. Or was that a different movie? I can’t remember. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Christopher Cain, Hilary Swank, Michael Ironside, Pat Morita, Walton Goggins
Posted in Family, Martial Arts, Reviews | 3 Comments »
Friday, February 25th, 2005
SPOILER ALERT !!
Hey folks, Harry here to bestow upon you the glory and the greatness that is the mighty Vern. He wades through films and text like the Grim Reaper in a Corn Field…. shitting out the husks of material that dreams of better days. Now he turns his excellence at Wes Craven’s troubled latest. A film left hemorraging from the Dimension process, but with a pedigree of cool otherwise. Let’s see what Vern says…
Harry –
Don’t know if you’re sick of me yet this week but I just saw CURSED one day early, so what the fuck man you know what happens next. A review, some belligerent talkbacks, etc.
This is the new one from Wes Craven, who in my eyes at least still has some small amount of credibility. I know he tries his damndest to piss it away on executive produced projects like DRACULA 2000, WISHMASTER, WES CRAVEN’S SO-CALLED CARNIVAL OF SOULS, etc. And he’s done some bad ones all throughout his career. Like DEADLY FRIEND and DEADLY BLESSING. I forget which one is which. One of them involves a robot. And VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN. And THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Christina Ricci, Jesse Eisenberg, Joshua Jackson, Kevin Williamson, werewolves, Wes Craven
Posted in AICN, Comedy/Laffs, Horror, Reviews, Thriller | 11 Comments »
Thursday, February 24th, 2005
Hey folks, Harry here with another wondrous piece from the mangod we collectively worship named Vern. This time, he’s tracked down a sequel to John Carpenter’s VAMPIRES. Now I love that film. That came out back in Europe back when I had crazy PLANET HOLLYWOOD writing money – and I flew to Paris just to see it cuz it looked as if it was going to end up butchered in the U.S. Great trip, and had a wonderful time with the film. “That’s it padre, FUCK WITH EM!” Heh. Let’s see what Vern thinks of the sequel…
ATT.: HARRY DEPT.
RE: VAMPIRES: THE TURNING
Warning: this is a long and overly detailed review of a straight to video sequel to VAMPIRES. Do not read.
It all started in 1998, in the Mexican desert. A Vatican sanctioned SWAT team of ultra-macho, leather jacket wearing vampire slayers faced down a Euro-trash “master vampire,” wiped out his nest and shut down a prophecy. Much shit was talked, at least one innocent naked woman was degraded, many many heads were cut off, and quite a few vampires were dragged screaming by tow cables into the desert sun. JOHN CARPENTER’S VAMPIRES is a sleazy, amoral good time, maybe his most underrated, and definitely his most successful mix of western and horror. And gorey. I remember one scene, the master vampire crashed a hotel party full of drunken vampire slayers and jiggling whores, walked right up to Mark Boone Junior and tore him in half using one hand. Much fun was had by all. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, DTV sequels, Roger Yuan, vampires
Posted in Action, AICN, Horror, Reviews | 3 Comments »
Thursday, February 17th, 2005
This is a movie about a beautiful teenage girl from Colombia who works a shitty job dethorning roses, gets in an argument with her boss, one thing leads to another and suddenly she’s pursuing other opportunities. Around the same time she finds out she’s pregnant, gets in an argument with her boyfriend and they announce they don’t love each other and begin a new journey of life travelling on separate paths. (A convenient way for the guy to avoid responsibility. Well played, deadbeat. Well played.) Also she meets a new guy and this guy has some connections with drug traffickers. Which leads to an exciting new moneymaking opportunity.
You probaly already heard of this movie so you know what it is. She becomes a drug mule. She swallows something like a dozen balloons of heroin, has to carry them on a plane to New York. She’s part of what they call “shotgunning” where they send a bunch of mules at the same time, figuring if one of them gets caught it will create a distraction for the others to get through. She knows some of the other mules (one of them is her whiny, pouty best friend) so it puts them in sort of an uneasy alliance/competition. (read the rest of this shit…)
Posted in Crime, Drama, Reviews, Thriller | No Comments »
Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
Hey folks, Harry here in my geek recovery ward. Been getting a lot of reviews of CONSTANTINE in and it seems the more familiar with the comic the reviewer is, the more they dislike the film. Personally – other than seeing a lot of the covers, I’ve never been a big HELLBLAZER reader, and I found myself liking the film quite a bit. Almost exacly like Vern here, only less literate. Here he is…. on your knees, for he speaks…
Dear Harry,
Here is a review of a movie I saw starring Keanu Reeves (guy from the Matrixes)
Okay, first I got a warning for some of you comic strip wise guys out there. If you like the comic strip this movie is based on, DON’T WATCH THE MOVIE. It’s just not worth it, man. You’re gonna be mad because, according to my sources, in the comic strip the dude is British, and even if he wasn’t British, he wouldn’t be Keanu Reeves. Hey man I’m a purist too sometimes, I understand this. I’d be pissed if they made DIE HARD into a comic strip, but they got John McClane wearing shoes or something. Or playing a guitar. It’s gonna be hard to get past what they did here so forget it man, save your time, save the stress. Go get a massage or something. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Djimon Hounsou, Francis Lawrence, Keanu Reeves, Peter Stormare, Rachel Weisz, Shia LaBeouf, Tilda Swinton
Posted in Action, AICN, Comic strips/Super heroes, Horror, Reviews | 3 Comments »
Friday, February 11th, 2005
I always dug the Billy Jack pictures. If you’re not familiar with them, they’re low budget independent movies about a half white/half native ex green beret badass with hippie values. He and his wife (the director and producer of the movies, respectively) run “The Freedom School” where they teach kids to be themselves and stand up for minorities and strum guitars and crap. Billy Jack lives one of those lives where, you know, he’s always out trying to ride a horse or a jeep or something, just minding his own business, but inevitably he’s gonna see some racist assholes picking on an indian or some rapist assholes picking on a girl or something along those lines. And he’s gonna walk over quietly and interject himself into the situation. This sometimes means beating some ass, but also sometimes means getting his own ass beaten and ending up in jail. But the important thing is he stands up for the downtrodden. That’s his primary interest and hobby, I guess. He stands up to rich kids, corrupt cops, even the energy industry in the last one, Billy Jack Goes to Washington, where he becomes Senator Billy Jack and makes his stand in an exciting filibuster climax.
(if you REALLY haven’t heard of Billy Jack you probaly assumed that last part was a joke, so I should make it clear that it is not.) (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: bikers, Tom Laughlin
Posted in Action, Drama, Reviews, Thriller | No Comments »
Thursday, February 10th, 2005
Hey folks, Harry here with a review of a pretty darn fun movie. I haven’t seen the dvd yet, that’s why it isn’t on my list. But by all means, Vern is right about the film, this is one I must pick up!
Dear Harry,
Congratulations on the robot leg, bud. I never thought of getting one of those. Sounds like a good gimmick though, hope it’s working out there.
that’s all bud,
Vern
On second thought, shit, as long as I’m writing you I might as well review this movie THE AMERICAN ASTRONAUT that I just saw on a convenient DVD type format. It officially comes out on February 22nd (or 15th if you wanna order it from the web sight). What this is is a very independent low budget absurdist comedy deal that was made in 2000 and has been touring the land ever since. You ran one glowing review of it years ago and a couple other minor references, but since it’s a real good one that will probaly get almost no advertising, I thought maybe it was worth revisiting as it comes to DVD and therefore within reach of your average citizen. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: musicals, space loneliness
Posted in AICN, Comedy/Laffs, Reviews | 1 Comment »
Friday, February 4th, 2005
As you know I have a professional interest in the old B-action pictures. I like your Seagals, your Swayzes, and your etceteras. That’s why somebody asked me Vern, do you know about this guy Brian Bosworth though. I said are you kidding me? Let me answer your question with a question. Did I live in Seattle in the year 1987? Of course I know who the damn Boz is. He was on the Seahawks and the local media acted like he was Jesus Christ Hisself, coming down from Heaven with a sacramental football and a new haircut. The haircut of course was a bleach blond mullet with designs shaved on the side, sometimes a full color Seahawks logo. It was called the Boz cut. I guess you could say he was the Dennis Rodman of his time. Known for his calculated outrageous fashion and In Your Face Attitude, he was a phenomenon with the kids. The white Mr. T. People copied the haircut, they had pro and anti Boz t-shirts, they even had this poster that said “Land of Boz” and showed him going down the yellow brick road with a bunch of kids dressed as him (Bozkins, probaly). He was a real big fuckin deal for all us retards here in Seattle.
Only one problem was, he never played that good. He kept getting injured and retired after three seasons. But his career was insured so he got rich off it all. After that score he figured, what the hell, maybe you can pull this same shit off in movies. Moved to L.A. and made STONE COLD. And it should’ve been obvious just from that background that this was gonna be a real good bad action movie. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Brian Bosworth, Craig R. Baxley, The Boz, William Forsythe
Posted in Action, Reviews | 20 Comments »
Saturday, January 29th, 2005
FINDING NEVERLAND is one of those movies that feels kind of like a remedial imagination class they force you to take on Saturdays because you fucked up. You may not know this, it tells you, but it turns out imagination is important and magical and all that kind of crap. Johnny Depp plays J.M. Barrie, the writer of Peter Pan. The movie starts the same as ED WOOD, he’s the writer of some flop play that the audience already hates literally about 2 seconds after it starts. It’s the first line of dialogue and a dude is already asleep.
So J.M. needs to imagination up his life somehow to inspire him to write Peter Pan, and luckily he runs into a widow (Kate Winslet) and her spunky kids (a bunch of kids) while he’s walking his novelty oversized dog. Next thing you know he’s hanging out with the kids, dressing up in silly costumes and imagining stuff with them. They’re still pretty bummed about their dad dying so he has to teach them to have a childlike sense of wonder, etc. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Johnny Depp, Julie Christie, Kate Winslet, Marc Forster
Posted in Drama, Family, Reviews | 1 Comment »
Monday, January 24th, 2005
First off I gotta say, Michael Mann is what you call overrated. What did he do, fucking Miami Vice – some asshole who forgot to shave fighting drug dealers in a pink shirt and no socks – we’re supposed to give the guy a fucking medal? I mean yeah it seemed like a pretty good tv show at the time but it’s not the fucking Parthenon. You belong to the city, you belong to the night. Let’s be a little more humble there, Michael Mann.
(To be honest I’m not sure what the Parthenon is, but what I mean is something good enough to last the ages and always stand as a proud beacon of achievement, etc. i.e. not Everybody Loves Raymond or even Miami Vice.) (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Jamie Foxx, Michael Mann, Tom Cruise
Posted in Crime, Drama, Reviews, Thriller | 29 Comments »
