Archive for the ‘Comedy/Laffs’ Category
Monday, April 10th, 2000
Well ladies and gentlemen I would like to thank all of you who responded to my last column, letting me know about some of the Badass pictures and the Badasses of the world that I should study. That’s right I would like to personally thank each and every one of the two motherfuckers that helped me out. Jeff and Brian you know who you are.
Jeff gave me some tips on some more Lee Marvin, Billy Jack and Charles Bronson pictures to examine in the near future. Jeff I will definitely be on the lookout and keeping my ears peeled for Mr. Majestyk, Born Losers and etc. Brian didn’t go into the specifics about the pictures but he told me about a couple foreign language Badasses who he felt had bodies of work worthy of study. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: George Clooney, Richard Dreyfuss, Takeshi Kitano
Posted in Action, Comedy/Laffs, Crime, Drama, Reviews, Thriller, Vern Tells It Like It Is, War | No Comments »
Monday, March 13th, 2000
First off I would like to offer up my sincerest apologies, condolences and what not for the tarditude of this particular column, which is one day late (it usually comes out early Monday, thanks for paying attention motherfucker). But I think when you find out what I have been cookin up for you you will understand why it was necessary and WELL fucking worth the wait.
You see we here at Vern Tell’s It Like It Is, and by that I mean me, have been working very hard to bring to you an exclusive, a review of a movie that almost none of the other film Writers have been able to cover. It took a lot of work to find this movie and I hope you will give a motherfucker credit for going out of his way for the art of Cinema. What you are about to read about is a small independent picture which deals with issues that are very important to me. It is a picture called Three Strikes.
What this is is a low budget “hood” comedy starring Brian Hooks and a bunch of other motherfuckers you never seen or heard of before. It is written plus directed by a dude called D.J. Pooh which, good god I feel sorry for a man with a name like that, imagine what the kids said about him when he was growing up. You don’t even have to come up with something that rhymes with “pooh,” the joke is already written.
Now the reason this movie has not been covered before today has to do with a little thing called “critics are a bunch of fucking pussies.” As you probaly know, critics have an arrangement with the publicists so that they can get passes to see movies for free before they come out. This is convenient because they can publish the review the day the movie comes out, and they don’t have to waste their piddly salary seeing Runaway Bride and what not. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: prison
Posted in Comedy/Laffs, Horror, Reviews, Vern Tells It Like It Is | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, January 18th, 2000
Well ever since Scream 3 I have been trying to see bad sequels to movies I haven’t seen in the first place. And this one holds a particular specialness to me because it is a part 3 and I am a scholar of part 3s.
Actually, this one isn’t all that bad, for one thing it can get away with not being in 3-D. Unlike Scream 3 it has an excuse because it’s straight to video, and I mean who the fuck wants to sit at home by yourself wearing 3-D glasses. I mean give me a fuckin break.
Anyway this western doesn’t really “hang together” as the famous shoplifting critic Rex Reed might say but it does have its moments which is a hell of a lot more than you can say for most straight to video part 3s in my opinion. The opening to be specific is very strong, with an obvious Sergio Leone influence. It’s in the desert with bright, bleached out photographication and lots of heightened sound effects. You hear the wind and the rattlesnakes and the incessant clicking of guns like you just hooked your hearing aid up to a car battery. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, DTV prequels, Michael Parks, Orlando Jones, P.J. Pesce, Rebecca Gayheart, Robert Rodriguez, Sonia Braga, Temuera Morrison
Posted in Action, Comedy/Laffs, Horror, Reviews, Thriller | 3 Comments »
Sunday, January 16th, 2000
Well I don’t know if any of you saw this but there was a gal in my guestbook who Wrote that I shouldn’t date gals in their late teens and early 20s which I believe she said was disgusting on account of my age. Well the more teen movies I get hoodwinked into seeing by these young gals the more I agree with that sentiment. The latest is an embarassing load of shit by the name of Teaching Ms. Tingle.
Let me give you motherfuckers an analogy here. When I was in the joint there was a talent show they would do sometimes. And alot of times some dumb motherfucker would sign up, “Yeah, I’ma do some tap dancing” or “Yeah man I got a monologue you know, what you didn’t know? Yeah I’m an actor bud, gotta monologue here nahmean?” (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Barry Watson, Helen Mirren, Jeffrey Tambor, Katie Holmes, Kevin Williamson
Posted in Comedy/Laffs, Reviews, Thriller | 2 Comments »
Saturday, January 1st, 2000
This is a cartoon but its not for kids and its not Japanese. If you don’t know in japan the cartoons are not only for kids, there is also demon raping, etc.
Bruce plays Muddy Grimes, a scruffly dude not unlike myself who tries to con two dumb heavy metal kids into smuggling a powerful weapon for him. Bruce does not have as much screen time as you would like but the story of these two little pricks Butthead and Beavis is pretty funny. Kind of reminds me of the old pink panthers how they go around and get chased by the FBI and then save the day and have no clue any of this shit went down. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Bruce, Bruce Willis, Mike Judge
Posted in Bruce, Cartoons and Shit, Comedy/Laffs, Reviews | 7 Comments »
Saturday, January 1st, 2000
I’m sure most of you motherfuckers know that Rudy Ray Moore is one of the pioneers of independent Cinema, one of the greatest orators of our times and easily the rawest presidential candidate of the last two decades. What you might not know is that in addition to his fine collection of pictures (Dolemite, Petey Wheatstraw, Avenging Disco Godfather, etc.) Mr. Moore has a live concert film in the style of the Eddie Murphy standup pictures he did back when he was trying to copy Richard Pryor instead of dress up in a bunch of funny disguises and fart. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Rudy Ray Moore, standup
Posted in Comedy/Laffs, Reviews | No Comments »
Saturday, January 1st, 2000
This is Richard’s standup film from 1985 and like you damn well oughta expect from Richard, it’s some funny shit. It is interesting to contrast this one with his 1979 Live in Concert because Richard has gone from being a genius to being a superstar. The opening credits play this ’80s style funk and show giant billboards advertising the show. Then a spotlight comes on in the back of the theater and Richard struts his way through the audience, and you see this cockiness on his face that is almost like a different person. Everybody loves Richard when he’s on stage being funny but this is something else altogether as you feel the outpouring of love from the audience and you see how it gives him strength. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Richard Pryor, standup
Posted in Comedy/Laffs, Documentary, Reviews | 1 Comment »
Saturday, January 1st, 2000
This is a video I have seen on the shelfs alot but I never got around to renting it on account of it is only 45 minutes. And who the fuck wants to pay 3.50 or what not for 45 minutes of standup when you could just watch scrambled Def Jam Comedy Jam for free.
But now I finally saw it and it was interesting but hell boys I gotta warn you, this is for Richard Pryor experts only. It is not a good introduction to his works, in my opinion. I don’t want you to watch this one first unless you promise me right here and now that you will watch Richard Pryor Live in Concert and Live On Sunset Strip even if you don’t like this one too much. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Richard Pryor, standup
Posted in Comedy/Laffs, Documentary, Reviews | No Comments »
Saturday, January 1st, 2000
In this movie Bruce plays Leo, a drunk rich dude calling his wife on a cell phone. It’s a small part but this is Bruce we’re talking about and he makes it fucking SOAR. He’s hanging out in a hotel room with this spoiled celebrity jerry lewis fan and they decide to re-enact a bet from an alfred hitchcock episode and if they lose the bet a man loses his finger which is kind of a dumbass bet to make in my opinion but hey man, free country.
Well Bruce doesn’t have a whole lot to do with all that, he mainly has this conversation with his wife he’s going to be home late and it’s funny. But this is only the last of four “rooms,” little stories about what goes on in this hotel even when Bruce is not there. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Antonio Banderas, Madonna, Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, Tim Roth
Posted in Bruce, Comedy/Laffs, Reviews | No Comments »
Monday, December 27th, 1999
Well hell man I’m glad I ain’t too superspicious a motherfucker, ’cause here it is column number 13 right at the end of the millennium. Not too pretty on the timing there.
Yeah that’s right I said it. I know it’s not politically correct to call the 2 triple 0 the millennium, but that’s just the way I was raised bud. As for all you smart ass mathematician motherfuckers, don’t get your calculators in a bunch. Let me explain something to you bud. This is the space age year of 2000! Things are changing fast, we’re talking the god damn jetsons. I mean was it a dream or did i drive past albertsons the other day and they changed the name to albertsons.com?
Now listen here jack, are you telling me your gonna always think of 2000 as part of the 20th century? Part of the ’90s? That 6:00 pm is part of 5 o’clock? That it turns to monday at 12:01 instead of midnight? Fuck no, you’d never say something that stupid unless you got something to prove. And personally I ain’t got NOTHING to prove. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Andy Kaufman, Jim Carrey, Milos Forman
Posted in Comedy/Laffs, Drama, Reviews, Vern Tells It Like It Is | 5 Comments »
