aka SHAOLIN MASTER KILLER

So you got these fuckin Tartars goin around oppressing people, right? No surprise there. Humiliating people, publicly executing people, fucking with innocent people’s seafood shops and all that kind of crap. I mean let’s be honest here, we all know how these fuckin Tartars are. And in a Shaw Brothers classic like this, we know Gordon Liu is gonna do something about it.

There’s this classroom of kids (played by adults) and they’ve been learning about the importance of their country and standing up to their enemies but they can’t figure out why they’re learning this in the classroom and then watching the Tartars pull this kind of crap. Are those lessons just words or are they concepts they should really live by? They decide on the second one and when they try to stand up and make a difference, they are rewarded with a serious assbeating.

But Gordon gets away, and you know what he always does when he gets away. He finds his way to the Shaolin Temple where the monks patch him up, then he demands to stay and become a monk, and then he asks to learn kung fu.

Most of the movie is about Gordon learning lessons of kung fu, having to pass 35 “chambers” before he has mastered shaolin kung fu. Most of them are not fighting, but things like jumping across a bundle of sticks floating in water, then jumping across just one of the sticks. We see him grow and build his powers until he has finally mastered all 35 chambers. Then he has to defeat one of the other monks in a duel in order to take charge of any one of the chambers. This takes several tries and in the process he invents the 3-section staff, one of the most badass kung fu weapons you’re gonna see. It’s like super nunchucks. I would like to thank Gordon Liu for inventing the 3-section staff. Also could you give me lessons is my next question, let me know Gordon, you got my email. (more…)

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Well when it comes to the classics of the kung fu genre, who the fuck knows where to start? Not me, but a recent browsing of the book THE WU-TANG MANUAL BOOK 1 by outlaw award winning composer RZA gave me some tips. In one chapter he tells about the three kung fu movies that most influenced him, and this one sounded the best. He tells a story about getting high and watching it late at night with a gentleman named “Ghostface” and some other buddies from the Stapleton projects. Supposedly they all started crying because of its messages of brotherhood. It would be interesting to know which scene got them going.

The movie comes from our friends the Shaw Brothers and it’s apparently considered one of their best. And god damn if it isn’t one of the best martial arts pictures that I’ve seen, anyway.

Obviously this is one of the lush period picture kung fu movies. It starts with a big battle between elaborately costumed warriors. I mean they got these colorful robes and one of the squads are guys with bow and arrows wearing what almost looks like Santa Claus costumes. All this color and choreography on a big soundstage, it looks like a big song and dance number by that Bugsy Berkeley dude.

The good guys in this scene, who are not dressed as Santa Claus, are the 8 Yang brothers and their dad. All but two of them are killed, betrayed by Pan Mei, who I don’t think is the same guy as Pai Mei, but I think he’s their grandpa? The queen’s dad, anyway. I’m not sure but the important thing is, the guy is a dick, getting all these Yang brothers killed. For fuck’s sake your a grown man, Pan Mai. You got a long beard. You should know better.

None of the Yangs have names, they’re just numbered chronologically. Yang 6 comes back “a little bit demented” by the trauma according to mom. He comes home to the temple and laughs like a nut while describing how all his brothers got killed. He wants revenge on Pan Mei but, well, it doesn’t work out. (more…)

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