"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Return of the Bastard Swordsman

RETURN OF THE BASTARD SWORDSMAN (1984) is indeed about the Bastard Swordsman returning. It’s not like BATMAN RETURNS where the title character hasn’t actually gone anywhere and is only returning to the screen – at the very end of BASTARD SWORDSMAN our guy Yun Fei Yang (Norman Chui, LEGEND OF THE LIQUID SWORD) had overcome his fate as a bullied servant of Wudang by mastering Silkworm Skill and defeating the prick who framed him for the murder of the chief and took over the clan. So he becomes their de facto leader but instead of letting them give him a parade or something he immediately walks away with his crush Lun Wan Er (Leanne Liu, WHITE HAIR DEVIL LADY).

Honestly the returning is kind of a bummer, I liked the idea of him traveling around having adventures. Instead this continues the story of Wudang and their feud with Invincible Clan. If you remember, the maniacal Invincible Clan leader Dugu Wu Di (Alex Man, CHINA WHITE) had left for two years of seclusion to further advance his use of the clan’s secret technique Fatal Skill after defeating Wudang in three consecutive duels over 20 years. In this one he comes home and it’s like he woke up out of a coma, he has to hear all this shit that went on in the last act of part 1 with Yun Fei Yang coming out of a cocoon and shit. So Dugu goes to Wudang to demand a duel with our bastard and they don’t want to admit that their chief ghosted them so they act like he just went out for smokes or something, which gets them a week’s reprieve to try to find him. But oh by the way if anyone leaves Wudang during that time they will be killed on sight. That Dugu always has some hardcore stipulations to his offers. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 4th, 2025 | 5 Comments »

Lords of Dogtown

June 3, 2005

Finally getting around to watching LORDS OF DOGTOWN was a good enough reason to do this series. I remember at the time it got a pretty tepid reception. People were still high on Stacy Peralta’s documentary about the same subject, DOGTOWN AND Z-BOYS (2001), and didn’t need to see it re-enacted. I get it – when I saw the trailer for Benny Safdie’s THE SMASHING MACHINE I couldn’t understand the point of (from the looks of it) just trying to re-enact footage from the documentary by John Hyams. Why not use the power of cinema to create a perspective of these events that does not already exist on film?

SUMMER 2005But that’s the thing, that’s what director Catherine Hardwicke and screenwriter Peralta do here with the story of Peralta’s circa 1975 Santa Monica surfer buddies becoming an early influential skateboard team and changing the world. The story centers around cheerful Stacy (John Robinson, ELEPHANT), angry Jay Adams (Emile Hirsch, THE DANGEROUS LIVES OF ALTAR BOYS), incredibly talented Tony Alva (Victor Rasuk, RAISING VICTOR VARGAS), and their rich kid friend Sid (Michael Angarano, BABY HUEY’S GREAT EASTER ADVENTURE), who can’t skate as well because of inner ear issues, but he’s still their homie. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 3rd, 2025 | 2 Comments »

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

June 1, 2005

I wasn’t sure if I should watch THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS for this series, wasn’t sure if I’d get anything out of it, and certainly I don’t know how to go into as much detail about a movie like this as I do the ones about some sort of punching or slashing. But, you know, it’s a drama aimed at young women, based on a popular young adult novel, not the sort of thing I pay attention to, and yet it was enough of a phenomenon that we’ve all heard of it. It got a sequel, its cast went on to bigger things, it is notable. Now, I won’t go into detail about questions like did I find myself producing tears at certain parts, or did I not do that… I mean, who’s to say, really? There are many different perspectives, and what relevance does that have anyway. We don’t need to get into that. Let’s stick to the movie. Come on guys stop clowning around.

SUMMER 2005If you’re like me and didn’t really know exactly what this was, here’s the deal. Four girls in Bethesda, Maryland have been best friends since birth (because their mothers met in an aerobics class for pregnant women). As teenagers Lena (Alexis Bledel, SIN CITY), Bridget (Blake Lively in her first major role), Carmen (America Ferrera, REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES) and Tibby (Amber Tamblyn, THE RING) are about to spend their first ever summer apart, due to various vacation plans. On their last shopping trip together before parting ways they find a pair of used jeans that have the magical quality of fitting perfectly on each of them despite their very different body sizes. Then they break into the abandoned studio where their moms had that class (just go with it) and do a little ritual where they come up with rules for how to share and respect the pants. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 2nd, 2025 | 9 Comments »

Bastard Swordsman

BASTARD SWORDSMAN is a 1983 Shaw Brothers production that tells the story of Yun Fei Yang (Norman Chui, HEROES OF THE EAST, ZU WARRIORS FROM THE MAGIC MOUNTAIN), a miserably treated servant of the Wudang kung fu school. He cleans floors and delivers soup and stuff but also in the opening scene the motherfuckers make him run around holding wooden targets for knife practice. When he complains that they’re throwing the knives at him instead of the targets he gets chewed out and called a bastard.

“You can beat me, but don’t call me bastard,” he says, so they immediately beat him and call him a bastard. Sister Lun Wan Er (Leanne Liu, HOLY FLAME OF THE MARTIAL WORLD), daughter of the chief and only female student at Wudang, not only intervenes but brings him to the Hall of Justice to report what they’re doing to him to the uncles. She means well but all it does is get him dressed down some more and told “You’re being unreasonable.”

When Sister says the uncles are being unfair one o them says, “Nonsense. If we were unfair would the chief assign us to be guardians of the law?” In other words authority is always correct by reason of being authority. And authority has decided that the bullies get to keep bullying but Yun Fei Yang has to carry fifty water pails a day. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 29th, 2025 | 4 Comments »

Mission: Impossible – The Final Reckoning

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – THE FINAL RECKONING does not necessarily seem like “well guys, that’s the last one” at the end, but as a whole it definitely does play like they’re trying to wrap things up. Though the seven previous films in the series have been mostly disconnected, this one follows the series’ only cliffhanger, and has multiple instances of people discussing the past adventures of Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise, THE MUMMY), complete with clips. It has two big story threads that tie directly to Brian DePalma’s part I, plus a connection to J.J. Abrams’ part III. Both the NOC list and the Rabbit’s Foot come up – mcmuffin reminiscences from a movie series that has lasted more than four times as long as the TV series it was based on. And that ran for seven seasons!

I think it lives up to the series’ 29-year-long tradition of great entertainment, but it is also by far the sloppiest chapter. That’s not to say it’s lazy – quite the opposite. I think it just got too wild and out of control to ever sculpt it into an elegant shape. They might still be chiseling away at it as we speak. 

I’m not one to complain about long runtimes and unnecessary scenes, especially when the format demands zipping around through a string of incidents, but the first 45 minutes or so of this thing alternately feel like they didn’t have time to finish the edit or like we’re watching consecutive episodes of the world’s most expensive Quibi series. It opens with Ethan watching a VHS tape that’s his “your mission should you choose to accept it” message, though this time from President Erika Sloane (Angela Bassett, F/X), and it’s a very long “as you know” type explanation of what happened in MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – DEAD RECKONING PART ONE, what has happened in the months since, and a reminder that he has the “cruciform key” everyone wants, that he can use to open a thing in the sunken Russian submarine the Sevastapol for access to the source code of the rogue artificial intelligence known as “The Entity” that he wants to destroy and everyone else wants to control. Though it’s obviously ridiculous for her to be telling him this stuff he already knows, and it’s awkward in its length, the forced exposition kicking off a mission is part of the fun of this series. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 28th, 2025 | 53 Comments »

Presence

Peter Andrews

is

PRESENCE


Somehow in the last several years Steven Soderbergh became mostly a streaming guy. MAGIC MIKE’S LAST DANCE played theatrically, but other than that since 2019 it’s been HIGH FLYING BIRD and THE LAUNDROMAT on Netflix, LET THEM ALL TALK, NO SUDDEN MOVE,  KIMI, the great mini-series Full Circle and the… app (?) Mosaic on HBO MAX, plus a web series called Command Z. So it’s good to have him (briefly) back on the big screen. PRESENCE was the first of two Soderbergh joints released in theaters this year. I caught BLACK BAG but this one came and went too fast for me despite being released by Neon.

That’s okay, it’s not one of his crowdpleasers, it’s one of his Soderbergh-wants-to-try-something movies. Small, simple, kinda raw, built around a simple conceit: a ghost movie from the point of view of the ghost. If you’re thinking “Oh shit, Soderbergh did his first horror movie!” I’d ask you to hold on a second. Technically I think it qualifies, but he’s definitely not aiming for the cover of Fangoria.

(read the rest of this shit…)

May 27th, 2025 | 8 Comments »

Striking Rescue

STRIKING RESCUE is not a title I really understand. The movie is not about a rescue that made me say “Wow, what a striking rescue!” I guess maybe I was struck by it? I don’t know. But I do know I enjoyed the movie. It’s a Chinese production, with a largely Chinese cast, but it’s a Tony Jaa movie set in Thailand. The plot is only passable, and playing a character that’s all anger and no innocence means he lacks some of the usual Jaa appeal, but the action is voluminous and ferocious. He still has it, and tariffs have clearly not depleted the Chinese action movie industry’s reserves of elbow grease.

It opens in classic Jaa fashion, with his character Bai An wrapping those giant fists in ragged tape, practicing his trademark earth-shaking elbows, knees and kicks on a stack of tires and a padded wooden dummy, splattering water and dust through the sunbeam that lights the scene, and CG glass shards through the credits. As he hits harder and harder there are flashes of a car flipped over, a wife and daughter shot, Bai An’s cries of anguish. And then we’re back to today and he’s out in a crowded market following somebody. Right into it. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 26th, 2025 | 16 Comments »

I was on Vampire Videos

When I was invited on the podcast Vampire Videos I had to come up with a vampire movie to discuss that hadn’t already been covered in 108 previous episodes. I didn’t want to watch AGAINST THE DARK again and someone had gotten to ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER right before me, but I remembered liking this post-apocalyptic priest vs. monster vampires movie called PRIEST. (You may have seen me mention this when I reviewed the director’s later movie DARK SKIES some weeks back.)

Here’s the episode. Enjoy!

VAMPIRE VIDEOS #109 – PRIEST (2011)

May 26th, 2025 | No Comments »

Unleashed (20th anniversary revisit)

May 13, 2005

UNLEASHED (a.k.a. DANNY THE DOG) is a movie I reviewed when it came out 20 years ago, but unlike MINDHUNTERS I’ve rewatched it a few times over the years. In fact I found some notes and screengrabs from an unfinished review when I last watched it in 2021. It’s a truly international creation, an English-language Jet Li vehicle co-starring American Morgan Freeman, produced and directed by Frenchmen, choreographed by Hong Kong legend Yuen Woo-ping and filmed and set in Glasgow, Scotland, but it feels like it has a unified vision, a very specific take on how to make a 2005 action movie with a big heart.

SUMMER 2005Li plays Danny, a feral person raised in a cage by the cruel gangster Bart (Bob Hoskins, SUPER MARIO BROS.) and trained to be his attack dog. When Bart needs to intimidate debtors or enemies he simply removes Danny’s metal collar and he will go ape shit, destroying everyone in the room with blunt martial arts savagery. Danny is severely traumatized – is he also developmentally disabled in some way? This is never discussed, but for whatever reason he’s very childlike, and he doesn’t know to yearn for a better life until he happens to find one after Bart is attacked by rivals and seemingly killed. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 22nd, 2025 | 8 Comments »

Mindhunters (20th anniversary revisit)

May 13, 2005

I think it’s fair to say that, at least at one time, Renny Harlin’s MINDHUNTERS held a revered status around here. When I reviewed it a couple years after it came out I was thoroughly won over by what I described as “a movie that is really fuckin dumb, but in a good way.” Many readers shared my joy and when, on some other review I can’t find right now, a commenter mentioned being a stand-in the the legendary liquid nitrogen kill scene, we treated him like a superstar. I hold much of this movie in my treasured cinematic memories that I bring up from time to time, but have I ever watched it a second time before now? Not that I remember. So this retrospective was a good idea.

SUMMER 2005(Note: I didn’t re-read the old review until after writing this one, so forgive me if there’s a little overlap.) (read the rest of this shit…)

May 21st, 2025 | 8 Comments »

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