For generations, legends have been told of an impending English language remake of John Woo’s THE KILLER (1989). Walter Hill and David Giler wrote one for Richard Gere and Denzel Washington way back in 1992, with other versions announced over the decades, some sounding more promising than others. At times Woo himself was involved as a producer, for most of the last decade he’s been attached as director, and now he’s finally succeeded… as an exclusive to the streaming service Peacock. But what are you gonna do? At least it exists and I’ve been able to watch it twice already.
THE KILLER (original recipe) is an untouchable classic (I personally hold it closer to my heart than THE CROW, which crazily had its also long-gestating remake released on the same day), but I think it’s a perfect movie to loosely remake. It could really be like YOJIMBO in that its story is so elemental, it’s obvious what basics you take from it and the rest is up to you. So that’s what Woo does: he returns to his original idea of a hired assassin who accidentally blinds an innocent singer during a hit, decides to turn against his organization to protect her, meanwhile sparring with a detective on his trail, as the two find out they don’t want to be enemies. Then he changes up all the details and context around that, and tells the story in a whole different style and tone. He’s not pretending to be the same as when he made the first version. This is a Woo who is now nearly 80 and has experienced setting a template for Hong Kong action cinema that influenced movies all around the world, coming to Hollywood and becoming a major director, getting burnt out on that and returning to Asia to make historical epics, and recently coming back to the States to play around in the world of slick mid-budget action goofs.
A bit of advice: If you have been poisoned, will only be living for a few more hours, and want to see the very best version of THE KILLER before you expire, please choose the original. If you’re not dying, but want to see a movie exactly like THE KILLER and not doing a whole different thing, also watch the original. But if your plan is to live for a while, watch countless more movies and be open to different experiences, THE KILLER (2024) is highly recommended. (read the rest of this shit…)
If we hadn’t seen it coming for so many years, AVATAR: THE WAY OF WATER would be a cinematic miracle. There has definitely not been a blockbuster movie with this level of mindblowing spectacle, visual beauty and action chops since MAD MAX: FURY ROAD, and before that since the first AVATAR.
I’ve rewatched AVATAR several times since it came out, and it’s always as good, usually better than the last time. Watching it again this week was no exception, and it really struck me that holy shit, these “game changer” visual effects from 2009 have influenced everybody, but not one movie has matched them. (Probly closest would be Peter Jackson’s largely forgotten HOBBIT trilogy.) I don’t want to get into an attack on modern blockbusters, many of which I enjoy, but it’s a simple statement of fact that the similarly-greenscreen-and-performance-capture based visuals in the very expensive Marvel movies that are trailered before THE WAY OF WATER and coming out next year look crude and primitive next to what was achieved thirteen years ago in AVATAR. And now along comes the sequel that blows AVATAR out of the water (by putting it into the water). (read the rest of this shit…)
HACKSAW RIDGE is a twisted, uninhabitable mass of rock with a steep edge and riddled with secret caves, one of which is home to 2×4-carrying WWF legend “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. But there is no movie about that so until then we’ll have to make do with director Mel Gibson (APOCALYPTO)’s identically titled HACKSAW RIDGE, the best-picture-nominated movie based on the true story of Desmond Doss (Andrew Garfield, THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN), the only WWII Medal of Honor recipient who was a conscientious objector. See, he wanted to do his part to fight Hitler, but he didn’t believe in killing or even touching a gun, so he went as a medic and was really fucking good at saving people’s lives. A reverse AMERICAN SNIPER.
I wonder if he traveled through time if he would kill Baby Hitler, or just try to give first aid to other babies fighting against Baby Hitler? It really makes you think.
The first half or so is before he goes to war. We see him as a little shit, constantly running and climbing and getting in violent scraps with his brother Hal, with no intervention from his drunk asshole dad (Hugo Weaving, BABE), a WWI veteran. Desmond could easily turn into the town bully, but maybe it’s his intense devotion to the family’s Ten Commandments poster that ensures he’s a big dork by the time he grows into Garfield. On one INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE style conveniently fateful day he discovers the two other loves of his life, because he 1) rushes to heroic action in administering a tourniquet and getting an injured person to a hospital where 2) he spots a beautiful nurse (Teresa Palmer, POINT BREAK remake) and decides he will marry her.
But not until his first furlough, because shortly after successfully wooing her he announces that he has to enlist. (read the rest of this shit…)
Listen all y’all, SABOTAGE is a great vehicle for Arnold Schwarzenegger right now. It’s a good mix of what you expect from him and what you don’t. It’s a movie that benefits from his Huge Movie Star presence. He can just walk in and the legendary badass backstory of his character, DEA squad leader John “Breacher” Wharton, manifests physically before our eyes. He can strut and bark commands and joke and you fully believe that his unruly team of trained killers – even big Joe Manganiello, who towers over him – respect, fear, and look up to him like he’s their dad.
I think this here is the perfect approach to Old Man Arnold: not making self-deprecating jokes like in the okay THE LAST STAND, but just being Arnold while proudly rocking a thick stripe of white hair around the edges. Yeah, I’m 66, who the fuck cares? I’m Arnold. Are you gonna be Arnold when you get to be my age? (read the rest of this shit…)
If I had turned off TERMINATOR SALVATION about 2/3 in I would’ve come to you and made a case for it being underappreciated. I mean, I think it is, it doesn’t deserve the worldwide wholesale rejection and scorn it gets. But it has such a crippling case of T.A.P.s (third act problems) that it’s hard to be excited about it after you get to the end.
But let’s talk about what’s good in it, because there’s plenty of it, and nobody ever talks about that. First of all, a good cast. John Avatar himself, Sam Worthington, plays the anti-hero Marcus, a death row inmate (we don’t actually know exactly how Riddick he is – “My brother and two cops are dead because of me” is the only explanation of his crimes) who gets the lethal injection and then wakes up in a post-apocalyptic battle between man and machine. On one hand, hey, I’m alive, and I’m free! On the other hand… (read the rest of this shit…)
10 years after the titans clashed, Zeus (Liam Neeson, NEXT OF KIN) and Hades (Ralph Fiennes, STRANGE DAYS) are about to feel their wrath. See, they’ve had their asshole dad Kronos imprisoned in the underworld forever, but with humans not praying to them they’re losing the power to contain him, and Ares (Edgar Ramirez) and some of their other kids are conspiring to set the old man free. And when he gets out he’s gonna get his revenge.
I should mention that Kronos is not a man, he’s a giant lava monster that makes the Kraken from part 1 look like a shrimp. So by “get his revenge” I basically just mean that he’s gonna walk around and stuff is gonna get destroyed. In fact Zeus and Hades don’t seem as bad now that I realize the type of family they grew up in. I’m sure even during peace time Kronos is constantly “getting revenge,” unless there is some sort of all-lava-monster community he can go to. If he’s expected to integrate with the mortals or even the Olympians there’s always gonna be a size and heat difference that’s gonna be problematic. (read the rest of this shit…)
Like some sort of mythological Greek hero whose companions have been struck down in the midst of a daring journey, I stand alone on this: I liked the CLASH OF THE TITANS remake.
I cannot lie. I thought it was good. Don’t sacrifice me to a kraken, I have the right to admit this publicly. Remember, the first amendment is about protecting all speech, no matter how vile. Just give me a chance to try to explain where I’m coming from here.
When I came out of AVATAR I had a nice free feeling that I wasn’t even gonna write a review of it. I figured what it excels at is self-evident and what it fails at isn’t really worth dwelling on, and every motherfucker with a computer already wrote way too much about this thing anyway so what’s the point? I wouldn’t have much to say.
Then a couple days later I had written this behemoth. Hopefully there are one or two things here that haven’t been said before. (read the rest of this shit…)
Here’s my TERMINATOR SALVATION review. Sorry it took me a few days – everybody else on the internet has already reviewed it two or three times each and moved on with their lives. I figured I ought to go the extra mile so my review includes an optional soundtrack:
(note: I’m not really gonna pussyfoot around the spoilers in this one, so beware)
I got so much trouble on my mind. I refuse to lose my hope for McG. I had this fantasy – what if McG made an undeniably great TERMINATOR movie, and everybody who ever talked shit about him had to eat crow? They’d be so unprepared to admit they liked a McG movie that their minds would pop like balloons. It would be like reading in the newspaper that a squirrel had built a working rocket ship – just completely out of left field. They wouldn’t know what to do. “Well, his name makes me uncomfortable, but TERMINATOR SALVATION changed my life.” “You know, I went back and gave CHARLIE’S ANGELS FULL THROTTLE another look, it turns out it was ahead of its time. There was no way to really know back then that it was good, only Vern ever understood it, but now it works.” (read the rest of this shit…)
I’ve been sort of looking forward to this new STARSHIP TROOPERS, and if you got a problem with that too bad because I’ve gotten enough “are you gonna review Starship Troopers 3?” emails to know that we can take you. Ed Neumeier takes over as director this time, which means the satirical tone remains since this is the guy who wrote all three STARSHIP TROOPERS as well as ROBOCOP. And, uh, ANACONDAS: THE HUNT FOR THE BLOOD ORCHID. I didn’t know that, I just found that out on IMDB. Hmmm. I had not considered watching that one. This changes everything. This could be the big one.
If you saw STARSHIP TROOPERS 2: HERO OF THE FEDERATION you may or may not remember that it was pretty different from the first one. They scaled it down for DTV, making it into mostly a one-location siege kind of story and incorporating smaller bugs that implant themselves in people’s brains or something. The good part is it was directed by the effects legend Phil Tippett so it ended up having the best effects I’ve seen in a DTV movie. (read the rest of this shit…)
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THANKS EVERYBODY. YOUR FRIEND, VERN
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Recent commentary and jibber-jabber
Ben Railton on Christmas Eve in Miller’s Point: “Happy holidays, Vern and all! Just putting in a plug for my wife’s new/first book, a really fascinating look at…” Dec 4, 15:03
Ronnie Gardocki on Good Boy: “Did someone mention Skinny Puppy? No?” Dec 4, 14:26
Dustin on Good Boy: “Crudnasty- I am stealing that, and modifying it to “skin puppy.”” Dec 4, 13:51
Alex R on Christmas Eve in Miller’s Point: “Would definitely recommend Happer’s Comet, though it’s a movie in its own universe and not really like this one. Taormina…” Dec 4, 13:10
VERN on Predator: Badlands: “That’s a good point. I hadn’t thought of it that way but Trachtenberg said in an interview that that was…” Dec 4, 12:03
VERN on Good Boy: “Crudnasty – that’s great, I don’t know which one sounds grosser. CJ – Absolutely. I like animals, I won’t eat…” Dec 4, 12:01
CJ Holden on Predator: Badlands: “Wolfgang, dude, in all seriousness. Would you be more “afraid of P” if we would witness ANOTHER movie where he…” Dec 4, 10:46
CJ Holden on Good Boy: “Okay, but I hope we don’t dispute or ridicule that fact that humans can love their pets A LOT. (No,…” Dec 4, 10:36
Crudnasty on Good Boy: “I stole this from the internet but when people refer to their pets as their “fur babies” I like to…” Dec 4, 08:45
World Eater on Heavy Metal Massacre: “David DeFalco is a primo douchebag.” Dec 4, 07:40
Dustin on Good Boy: “I’m an outlier on this one, pretty much loved it from start to finish. I really only knew the concept…” Dec 4, 05:48
VERN on Good Boy: “I think this is a fair observation. I had both dogs and cats that I loved growing up, and I…” Dec 3, 23:21
VERN on Predator: Badlands: “Yes, the idea was to intentionally take a different approach. That’s part of why this is the second widely popular…” Dec 3, 23:12
Dreadguacamole on Black Phone 2: “I’m a fairly big fan of Hill – I have recommended both Heart-Shaped Box and Horns to numerous people, and…” Dec 3, 10:38
Wolfgang JAHN on Predator: Badlands: “Well, now I’ve seen it… What can I say… this is the Predator movie the world has been waiting…” Dec 3, 10:37
For generations, legends have been told of an impending English language remake of John Woo’s THE KILLER (1989). Walter Hill and David Giler wrote one for Richard Gere and Denzel Washington way back in 1992, with other versions announced over the decades, some sounding more promising than others. At times Woo himself was involved as a producer, for most of the last decade he’s been attached as director, and now he’s finally succeeded… as an exclusive to the streaming service Peacock. But what are you gonna do? At least it exists and I’ve been able to watch it twice already.
THE KILLER (original recipe) is an untouchable classic (I personally hold it closer to my heart than THE CROW, which crazily had its also long-gestating remake released on the same day), but I think it’s a perfect movie to loosely remake. It could really be like YOJIMBO in that its story is so elemental, it’s obvious what basics you take from it and the rest is up to you. So that’s what Woo does: he returns to his original idea of a hired assassin who accidentally blinds an innocent singer during a hit, decides to turn against his organization to protect her, meanwhile sparring with a detective on his trail, as the two find out they don’t want to be enemies. Then he changes up all the details and context around that, and tells the story in a whole different style and tone. He’s not pretending to be the same as when he made the first version. This is a Woo who is now nearly 80 and has experienced setting a template for Hong Kong action cinema that influenced movies all around the world, coming to Hollywood and becoming a major director, getting burnt out on that and returning to Asia to make historical epics, and recently coming back to the States to play around in the world of slick mid-budget action goofs.
If we hadn’t seen it coming for so many years, AVATAR: THE WAY OF WATER would be a cinematic miracle. There has definitely not been a blockbuster movie with this level of mindblowing spectacle, visual beauty and action chops since 
HACKSAW RIDGE is a twisted, uninhabitable mass of rock with a steep edge and riddled with secret caves, one of which is home to 2×4-carrying WWF legend “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. But there is no movie about that so until then we’ll have to make do with director Mel Gibson (
Listen all y’all, SABOTAGE is a great vehicle for Arnold Schwarzenegger right now. It’s a good mix of what you expect from him and what you don’t. It’s a movie that benefits from his Huge Movie Star presence. He can just walk in and the legendary badass backstory of his character, DEA squad leader John “Breacher” Wharton, manifests physically before our eyes. He can strut and bark commands and joke and you fully believe that his unruly team of trained killers – even big Joe Manganiello, who towers over him – respect, fear, and look up to him like he’s their dad.
10 years after the titans clashed, Zeus (Liam Neeson, NEXT OF KIN) and Hades (Ralph Fiennes, STRANGE DAYS) are about to feel their wrath. See, they’ve had their asshole dad Kronos imprisoned in the underworld forever, but with humans not praying to them they’re losing the power to contain him, and Ares (Edgar Ramirez) and some of their other kids are conspiring to set the old man free. And when he gets out he’s gonna get his revenge.
Like some sort of mythological Greek hero whose companions have been struck down in the midst of a daring journey, I stand alone on this: I liked the CLASH OF THE TITANS remake.
When I came out of AVATAR I had a nice free feeling that I wasn’t even gonna write a review of it. I figured what it excels at is self-evident and what it fails at isn’t really worth dwelling on, and every motherfucker with a computer already wrote way too much about this thing anyway so what’s the point? I wouldn’t have much to say.
Here’s my TERMINATOR SALVATION review. Sorry it took me a few days – everybody else on the internet has already reviewed it two or three times each and moved on with their lives. I figured I ought to go the extra mile so my review includes an optional soundtrack:
I’ve been sort of looking forward to this new STARSHIP TROOPERS, and if you got a problem with that too bad because I’ve gotten enough “are you gonna review Starship Troopers 3?” emails to know that we can take you. Ed Neumeier takes over as director this time, which means the satirical tone remains since this is the guy who wrote all three STARSHIP TROOPERS as well as ROBOCOP. And, uh, ANACONDAS: THE HUNT FOR THE BLOOD ORCHID. I didn’t know that, I just found that out on IMDB. Hmmm. I had not considered watching that one. This changes everything. This could be the big one.
