"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Brother

To: harry@aintitcool.com
From: outlaw_69@my-deja.com
Cc: moriartyaicn@yahoo.com
Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2001 00:35:48
Subject: Vern sees BROTHER

——————————————————————————–

Dear Harry and the boys,

My name is Vern and I am a scholar of the Badass Cinema. I take my job very seriously and I would stake my entire academic reputation on this here claim: Takeshi Kitano is a Badass Laureate.

For those of you who are not familiar with Badass theory, the Badass Laureate is the highest category of Badass. There are many Badass individuals who have proven themselves through their works. I’m talking about gentlemen like Jet Li, Dolemite and Chow Yun Fat. Like Lee Marvin and James Coburn and Toshiro Mifune.

I’m a fan of the Bruces (Willis, Campbell and Lee). I enjoy asskickers of all types and nationalities. But none of these guys are Badass Laureates. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 25th, 2001 | No Comments »

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

(working title: BORING: THE MOVIE)

All right, you computer nerds have fucking done it. You’ve spent millions of dollars and years of research and god knows how many man hours of animation, and you’ve created the closest thing yet to photorealistic, computer generated, human-type individuals. And then you’ve put them in the most boring sci-fi movie since the extended director’s cut of Wing Commander.

And both of these are based on fucking video games, come to think of it. I’m starting to notice a pattern here. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 11th, 2001 | 1 Comment »

Baby Boy

Baby Boy is the underrated new picture by young Johnny Singleton, the director of Shaft 2K who was also the youngest fella to ever get nominated for a best director oscar. That was for Boyz N the Hood, and what makes Baby Boy interesting is that it is a companion piece to that movie, telling the story of thugs and gangstas in South Central Los Angeles. But now Singleton is older and he sees things differently. So instead of portraying these thugs as a menace to society, he portrays them as a bunch of fucking babies who need their mommies.

The main character is Jody, who is played by a model named Tyrese. He is bald and muscled, like what Singleton wishes he looked like. But he drives his girlfriend’s car or, when necessary, rides a bike. And he lives with his mom, even though he has two different babies from two different mamas. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 30th, 2001 | 1 Comment »

Pootie Tang

Well as you know I am on the cutting edge of our Cinematic type culture here, so let me tell you this for sure. This movie, which had a release that made BONES look like HENRY fucking PORTER, will be discovered on video and cherished right and left by every motherfucker and his uncle for years to come.

This is not a great movie but it’s a funny one and a unique one. You got basically a super hero story here starring a young black fella named Pootie Tang, played by some Writer from the chris rock show. Chris Rock show is another chapter in the story of people claiming that a show is really good, in fact so good you gotta pay hbo to see it. Hello – tv is supposed to be free. Until you put it on the FREE airwaves I have no choice but to assume that the sopranos, oz, sex and the city, the chris rock show and etc. are all crap just like everything else on tv. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 30th, 2001 | 2 Comments »

Vern returns after long hiatus, starts yelling some weird shit about John Woo doing ninja turtles movies

YES, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD IT IS A NEW VERN TELL’S IT LIKE IT IS

REALLY, NO JOKE

JUNE 27, 2001

Hey, remember me. Vern.

If you don’t know me, what it is is I used to be in prison. Then I started Writing movie reviews on the internet. then stopped.

(capsule version) (read the rest of this shit…)

June 27th, 2001 | 3 Comments »

A.I.

OUTLAW CRITIC IS FIRST TO ADMIT, “I ACTUALLY THOUGHT A.I. WAS PRETTY FUCKIN GOOD”

SEATTLE, WA– Online film writer and cult hero Vern admitted earlier today that he thought Steven Spielberg’s artificial intelligence drama A.I. was “pretty fucking good, though.” This makes the ex-con and recovering alcoholic the first person he knows to admit liking the movie since its release two weeks ago.

“A lot of motherfuckers said it was too sentimental,” Vern wrote on his mildly popular film “web sight”. “But it’s about a robot who wants his mommy, what else is it gonna be like, asshole [punctuation his].” (read the rest of this shit…)

June 22nd, 2001 | 27 Comments »

The Fast and the Furious

There are many arbitrary ways to divide filmatists into two groups. Today I’m gonna separate out the ones who have an obvious vision/theme/style/obsession (good or bad) that can be seen throughout most of their works. For example you can look at your Alfred Hitchcock or your David Lynch or your Roger Vadim and you can usually tell who is responsible for this business. I mean even a Michael Bay or a Kevin Smithee, the lowest of the low, has a signature style. Or you can at least see what the dude was going for there.

Then in the other group we have the commercial or “hack” filmatist who goes from one project to the next just looking for something that might be successful, or that seems cinematic, or that might capture that fuckin zeitgeist thing the germans are always so interested in. Some of these guys might even be decent at the directation of films but they just don’t put that strong of a personal stamp on them. For example you got your John Badham (Saturday Night Fever, Dracula [1979], Short Circuit, Point of No Return) or your Randal Kleiser (Boy in the Plastic Bubble, Grease, The Blue Lagoon, Big Top Pee-Wee, Honey I Blew Up the Kid). Occasionally they make a good picture like Saturday Night Fever but you still have no idea what these clowns are trying to do artistic-wise. They’re just doing a job, like plumbing or washing windows or passing out pizza coupons and gum samples on the street corner. They punch the clock and then they go home. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 22nd, 2001 | 7 Comments »

VERN Attends The SIFF Premiere Of GHOST WORLD!!

Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.

Sounds like Vern got cheated out of a screening of BATTLE ROYALE, and maybe that’s a good thing. He’s a reformed man after being a guest of the state, but who knows what’ll happen when you lay bare the blackest heart of man against man. I’d much rather be in a theater with Vern during a warped little character flick like GHOST WORLD, Terry (CRUMB) Zwigoff’s adaptation of the Daniel Clowes comics. I can’t wait to see this, and thanks to the always-appreciated efforts of Vern, we’re getting a little early peek…

This is a story about an individual named Vern who is standing in an alley outside of the Egyptian theater in Seattle, Washington where the world premiere of a movie is about to take place. There is a line around the building and I’m standing next to this dumpster that smells like piss and I’m thinking, this must be the line for Battle Royale. Battle Royale is this movie everybody’s talking about. It’s this week’s Chopper. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 19th, 2001 | No Comments »

Vern Gets SCRATCHed At SIFF!!

Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.

It has come to my attention that some of you are less than thrilled with the stylings of Vern, one of our infrequent contributors. That’s a damn shame. I think Vern rules. I would print Vern reviews if he was just talking about what he had for lunch. I am pleased as fuck (see, I can say it, too) to print this review of a film I adore, SCRATCH, which I reviewed before Sundance, and I also wrote about the SCRATCH live event at Sundance, one of the highlights of my year so far. We’ve also had glowing responses from John Robie, Monki, and others as the film has played at various festivals like South By Southwest and the current Seattle Film Festival. That’s where Vern saw it. Check out what Vern’s got to say, and if ya don’t like it, then as the great Kurtwood Smith once said in the also-great ROBOCOP, “Bitches… leave!”

So everybody keeps telling me Vern, you’re in Seattle. You gotta go see this movie called CHOPPER. It’s about this Australian ex-con maniac. It’s right up your alley Vern, come on bud watch it. And I REALLY want to see this movie. So somehow I end up missing it and seeing a documentary about moving records back and forth on a turntable to make weird freaky type noises that the kids do now. Which they call scratchin.

SCRATCH is a good one though, boys. The movie starts out with a basic background on the rapping music, breakdancing and etc. Then it moves into today’s “deejays” who are the folks who just… I don’t even know what these fellas are doing. But it’s two records and they just… whicka whick scratchety fresh, is basically the noise they make. Hard to explain. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 16th, 2001 | No Comments »

That sick Vern takes in ED GEIN

Hey folks, Harry here with that sick bastard Vern and his fascinating look at that sick bastard, ED GEIN… well, technically it focuses on that Steven Railsback film that we premiered at BUTT-NUMB-A-THON 2 last year as the ender… The film is definitely not for all tastes, but for those with an eclectic bite… well, it hit the spot. Here’s Vern… a cousin of some sort to Moriarty (20 times removed I believe)…

Hey boys I got a new one for you. There is a movie coming to video called ED GEIN, about this sick fuck named ED GEIN. If you like movies about a guy running around in the moonlight howling and beating a drum and wearing a lady’s privates for his clothes, then this is the movie for you. But more about that later. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 14th, 2001 | No Comments »

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  • Hey bud, thanks for reading.

    Don't feel obligated, but here are some

  • WAYS YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SHIT OUT OF VERN & OUTLAWVERN.COM

    if that's your thing:

  • 1. Patreon

    Toss me a couple bucks a month, support the good shit, also get access to a bunch of exclusive writing. This is my primary source of writing money that has allowed me to cut down to part time at the day job. Thank you!

  • 2. Buy my books from your local bookseller or somebody

    click here for my Amazon author page

    (NOTE: My ten year contract has passed on the Titan books, so I don't get residuals on them like I do WORM ON A HOOK and NIKETOWN, but I would love for you to read them because I'm proud of them)

    EXTRA CREDIT: Review them on Amazon! That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.

  • 3. If you ever buy from Amazon, go through my links or search engines



    (you pay the same amount you were gonna pay anyway they cut me a little slice)

  • I also have an Amazon UK one:

    (I can't get the search box widget to work anymore, so click on MOONWALKER and then search for what you want.)

  • 4. My exciting line of fashion and leisure products

    (I get a couple bucks per item, you get a cool t-shirt, mug or lifestyle item)

  • 5. Spread the word

    Tell your friends about my reviews and my books and everything. Only cool people though please, we don't need a bunch of suckers and/or chumps around here.

    THANKS EVERYBODY. YOUR FRIEND, VERN

    * * * *

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