"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Vern’s Peace Initiative

As if the whole world wasn’t going to shit already, now we got this war going on between Israel and Hezbollah in Syria. Or according to some people, between the US via Israel and Iran via Syria via Hezbollah in Lebanon or I don’t know. Whatever the fuck is going on over there, it’s not good. People are dying every day and it seems like this could be just the humble beginnings of this latest phase of the world’s biggest mess.

In the old days, like, say, seven years ago, what we would do is the President would make some phone calls, send some diplomats, try to figure out how to get those assholes over there to chill the fuck out. “Come on guys, it’s not worth it.” Like when your buddy’s had a few too many drinks and starts getting in a guy’s face in an argument over a girl or a shoe or a slice of pizza or something. You gotta give your buddy some perspective before things get ugly. (read the rest of this shit…)

August 13th, 2006 | 70 Comments »

The Descent

“From the studio that brought you HOSTEL and SAW…”

(comes a British movie from last year that they bought the rights to.)

Let’s say you’re six ladies (5 British) who go together to explore an uncharted cave somewhere in the Appalachians. And after you crawl through a very narrow tunnel, your entrance caves in and as far as you know there’s no way out, you’re under 2 miles of rock and nobody knows you’re there.

Well, you gals are pretty much fucked. So it’s almost beside the point that after you wander around for a while longer you’re gonna run into some weird underground fuckers (or wufs) who are gonna crawl around squealing like fighting cats and try to eat you. (read the rest of this shit…)

August 8th, 2006 | 3 Comments »

Miami Vice

MIAMI VICE is the movie version of the old TV show from the ’80s about Crocket and Tubbs. It’s written and directed by Michael Mann, executive producer of the TV show, now known as the humorless, pretentious, talented jackass behind COLLATERAL, HEAT, etc.

Remember that show? We, as a nation, stopped wearing socks when that show came on. We stopped shaving. We started wearing pastel shirts under white Armani jackets. We drove Ferraris and had pet alligators. We listened to Phil Collins and Glenn Frey and all that shit. Our hearts pumped to the rhythm of Jan Hammer’s awesome electronic drum pads. It was who we were as Americans. At least that’s what I keep reading in reviews of this movie. Actually, it is partly true, everybody loved that show and people did try to dress up as the characters. Like you Star Wars freakos only it was considered legit. Everybody from little kids to old men in walkers was wearing those ridiculous white suits and sunglasses. Pretending to be an actor on TV pretending to be a cop pretending to be a drug dealer. It was a fun time and it might be fun to make a movie that transports us back to those days. (read the rest of this shit…)

August 7th, 2006 | 34 Comments »

Vern Revvs Up For TALLADEGA NIGHTS THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY !!

Merrick here…

Here’s the inimitable Vern with a look at TALLADEGA NIGHTS: THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY – a film I really, really enjoyed (the racing sequences were surprisingly well done, too!)

What does Vern think? Read on…

I don’t usually review these “comedy” type movies for you guys but I felt like maybe I should do this one just to show some of my talkback pals that I do know how to laugh and have a good time, etc. I think last time I reviewed a comedy for you guys it was the fucking WEDDING CRASHERS movie and I caught some hell in the talkbacks for saying that it was “something your friend’s girlfriend who you hate would claim is really good.” Of course, America is in a vulnerable state right now so she quickly fell in love with the movie and they are still happily married. So I was very wrong when I said nobody would remember it two weeks after it came out on video. Even I still remember the movie and how much you motherfuckers are crazy for thinking it’s good. (read the rest of this shit…)

August 2nd, 2006 | 2 Comments »

I Come in Peace

I COME IN PEACE aka DARK ANGEL

Craig R. Baxley’s second directorial work (after ACTION JACKSON, before STONE COLD) is probaly his weirdest. It’s kind of like the cop movie version of BROTHER FROM ANOTHER PLANET. Dolph Lundgren plays a plays-by-his-own-rules cop whose partner dies in a drug sting that happens to also be interrupted by an alien invader with a trenchcoat and glowing eyes. This guy, I don’t know what his name is but he’s not a lovable E.T. type alien, he’s just a tall scary dude who goes around and says “I come in peace” but then shoots a weird tube out of his palm into your head and sucks out your endorphins. I could’ve sworn he stole the heroin from the drug dealers, but the reason he’s on earth really is not to steal heroin, it’s just to farm people for endorphins. We learn later from an outer space cop who’s chasing this guy that endorphins are a valuable drug on whatever planet they’re from, I guess we’ll call it Planet Icomeinpeace. He must be stopped because if he goes back to Icomeinpeace and gets alot of alien space dollars for his endorphins (or “dorph” as I bet they call it on the space streets) then other aliens are gonna figure out how easy it is to cop dorph out of our heads and it’ll be over for the human race. (read the rest of this shit…)

August 1st, 2006 | 6 Comments »

Open letter to Mel Gibson after his drunk driving/Jew hating incident

Dear Mel Gibson,

You fucked up, dude. First you let MAD MAX 4 slide away from our grasp, now this whole “I hate Jews when I’m drunk” business. So here’s what you do now, Mel. There is one and only one way you can have a shot at fixing this: a documentary.

You already took the first step that I was gonna suggest, you are making arrangements to meet with leaders of the Jewish community to be scolded and hopefully learn some things. You will definitely be spending some time at the Holocaust museum, my friend. Probaly less than you deserve. But what I’m telling you is, you’re gonna have to film some of these meetings.

Like it or not, you are in the public eye (see your crazy movie PAPARAZZI for more info). Everybody knows you are a fuckin anti-Semite nutbag now, so if you’re gonna be Mel Gibson the Huge Movie Star again you need to convince us that we can trust you again. That’s why you’re gonna make this documentary about your journey from “crazy drunk guy who hates Jews” to the new, down-with-the-Jews Mel Gibson of the future. (read the rest of this shit…)

August 1st, 2006 | 1 Comment »

Firestorm

This is a pretty enjoyable, totally forgettable action movie directed by Dean Semler, a cinematographer who also directed Steven Seagal’s historic first DTV picture THE PATRIOT. The star is Howie Long, formerly of the Oakland Raiders, currently of the Radio Shack commercials. After a supporting role in BROKEN ARROW they tried to give him the football-star-to-action-star transition like they did to Brian Bosworth. The Boz never caught on big, but he was able to continue starring in DTV movies for several years after STONE COLD. Things didn’t work out that way for Howie, and this is his only starring role. I was gonna say he was more comparable to Lyle Alzado, but I just looked up Lyle and he’s starred in more than I realized. So I don’t know who he’s comparable to.

Anyway, Howie’s movie career was not a success, that is if you define success as “the ability to make enough money that they can keep making action movies starring this particular football player.” That never happened, but as far as I’m concerned he is successful in this movie. He’s square but likable and I guess it’s just nice to see a capable hero you haven’t seen a million times before. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 30th, 2006 | 7 Comments »

Wassup Rockers

I enjoy a good pervy Larry Clark movie, but I don’t know many people who do. But never fear. I am here to tell you that this is his most accessible because it’s a whole movie based around how likable the characters are instead of how despicable they are. You actually root for these guys. It’s incredible.

I’m not gonna lie to you. You still gotta get past the fact that Larry Clark is a creepy, dirty pervert. This movie opens with a video interview of one of its young stars that has the vibe of that infamous Calvin Klein kiddie porn commercial (in other words, this is a film by Larry Clark). The interview itself is great because the kid, Jonathan, is a non-actor talking about his life and some of the things he talks about we end up seeing re-enacted in the movie later. But you might be a little uncomfortable with the fact that he’s sitting on a bed with no shirt on talking to Larry Clark. Not the most savory individual to be hanging out in a kid’s bedroom. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 29th, 2006 | 2 Comments »

Lady in the Water

M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN’S LADY IN THE WATER
a bedtime story by M. Night Shyamalan
directed by M. Night Shyamalan
produced by M. N. Shyamalan
written by M. Night Shyamalan
co-starring M. Night Shyamalan
inspired by the true adventures of M. Night Shyamalan
dedicated to M. Night

The movie I really wanted to watch this week was WASSUP ROCKERS, but for some reason it went straight to the second run theater in Seattle. That theater’s a little out of the way for me and today I just wanted somewhere nearby with some air conditioning, so instead of seeing Larry Clark ogle Hispanic skateboarders from Compton I got to see M. Night Shyamalan ogling Ron Howard’s daughter. I’m not sure which one’s freakier. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 25th, 2006 | 10 Comments »

Torque

and the rise of the American Furious Movement

TORQUE is the most spectacularly ridiculous movie I’ve seen in a while, making even 2 FAST, 2 FURIOUS seem pretty reasonable and down to earth. The movie opens with a shot of a tortoise standing between two street race cars at a starting line. The cars take off down a dusty road at impossible speeds. Suddenly, reflected in one car’s rear-view mirror, is some dude on a motorcycle. He has a hard time passing the cars but once he does he does a big wheelie and leaves them in the dust. A street sign spins uncontrollably in the wake of the motorcycle creating the illusion that it says “CARS SUCK.” And from there we cut to the opening credits.

You hear that, FAST AND THE FURIOUS? The gauntlet has been thrown down. Cars suck, motorcycles rule. Or own. Or whatever it’s called now. In case FAST AND THE FURIOUS came into the movie late though, because it was out in the lobby text messaging somebody, there is a part later on where the hero says, “I live life a quarter mile at a time,” and his girlfriend says, “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” These movies may start some kind of deadly motorcycles vs. cars feud, but they’re both from the same producer, Neal H. Moritz. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 22nd, 2006 | 15 Comments »

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »
  • Hey bud, thanks for reading.

    Don't feel obligated, but here are some

  • WAYS YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SHIT OUT OF VERN & OUTLAWVERN.COM

    if that's your thing:

  • 1. Patreon

    Toss me a couple bucks a month, support the good shit, also get access to a bunch of exclusive writing. This is my primary source of writing money that has allowed me to cut down to part time at the day job. Thank you!

  • 2. Buy my books from your local bookseller or somebody

    click here for my Amazon author page

    (NOTE: My ten year contract has passed on the Titan books, so I don't get residuals on them like I do WORM ON A HOOK and NIKETOWN, but I would love for you to read them because I'm proud of them)

    EXTRA CREDIT: Review them on Amazon! That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.

  • 3. If you ever buy from Amazon, go through my links or search engines



    (you pay the same amount you were gonna pay anyway they cut me a little slice)

  • I also have an Amazon UK one:

    (I can't get the search box widget to work anymore, so click on MOONWALKER and then search for what you want.)

  • 4. My exciting line of fashion and leisure products

    (I get a couple bucks per item, you get a cool t-shirt, mug or lifestyle item)

  • 5. Spread the word

    Tell your friends about my reviews and my books and everything. Only cool people though please, we don't need a bunch of suckers and/or chumps around here.

    THANKS EVERYBODY. YOUR FRIEND, VERN

    * * * *

  • Recent commentary and jibber-jabber

    • Alex R on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “Again, do you sincerely think “eat shit and die” is a death threat? It’s mean– I’m definitely not being nice…” Apr 6, 07:05
    • PetrosMT on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “I was very clear that the dangerous part is the adjectives. By now you are so selectively taking everything out…” Apr 6, 06:58
    • Alex R on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “Legit asking what the danger is in me telling you to eat shit and die. Like, am I going to…” Apr 5, 19:08
    • Alex R on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “You used the heinous word “bullshit,” and I specifically remember the way it made my monocle fall from my horrified…” Apr 5, 19:03
    • PetrosMT on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “Alex aside from all the mean spirited vitriol coming my way, I re-read my first comment to see if indeed…” Apr 5, 18:23
    • Gepard on Project Hail Mary: “It’s funny if Weir is claiming Grace was the first character he’s written who *isn’t* a self-insert, because it sure…” Apr 5, 18:06
    • Alex R on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “clarifying that a person isn’t hateful for being condescending to me. using the word “hateful” because of the line “And…” Apr 5, 16:14
    • Alex R on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “PetrosMT: Yeah, so I’m going to “start cursing” in my response to you and not feel like I crossed some…” Apr 5, 16:06
    • Borg9 on Project Hail Mary: “No doubt there’s some good science in the book but not a lot gets through to the movie. I really…” Apr 5, 06:25
    • Schmoe Gunn on The Man From U.N.C.L.E.: “This one is a mixed bag. The biggest flaws are: (1) being a loquacious pedant is not the same thing…” Apr 4, 20:42
    • Skani on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “I enjoyed this film. Could it have been more ambitious or expansive? Sure. Could it have been a different, non-JURASSIC…” Apr 4, 15:29
    • Skani on Primate: “I thought this was solid fun. Pretty brisk, novel premise. A future classic? I wouldn’t bet on it. But it…” Apr 4, 15:21
    • PetrosMT on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “Hello again guys! I’m from Greece, been reading and writing here since forever, can grasp the English language even thought…” Apr 4, 05:31
    • KayKay on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “Thank you Acid Burn. All good.” Apr 4, 02:38
    • Schmoe Gunn on Widows: “One sign this movie aims to claim a permanent space in the genre’s pantheon is that it chooses to treat…” Apr 3, 23:21

  • Recent Commented on Posts

  • Most Comments