"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Sting

STING is a 2024 killer spider picture, but it’s not the French one that I already reviewed. That’s INFESTED. This one is set in New York City but hails from Australia. I remember seeing a trailer and being interested, I think I heard not-great things when it came out, but then when I saw it was on Hulu I noticed that the writer-director was Kiah Roache-Turner. That’s the guy that did WYRMWOOD: ROAD OF THE DEAD (2014) and WYRMWOOD: APOCALYPSE (2021), two fun movies about people roaming a post-apocalyptic world with cars powered by zombie breath. Well shit, yeah, I’ll watch his spider movie.

Just like he did in WYRMWOOD, Roache-Turner uses an absurd and inexplicable sci-fi disaster to set up the scenario he wants to tell a story within. A news broadcast tells us we’re in the midst of the worst ice storm in New York state history, and that it’s believed to be connected to the asteroid shower that came unusually close to Earth. During the opening credits a tiny rock from space shoots through an apartment window and a dollhouse inside the apartment.

The rock cracks open and a spider crawls out and through the floors of the miniature home. The sequence is very stylized, and foreshadows that this spider will grow to this scale in relation to the actual building, so I wasn’t sure until after the credits that yes, this literally happened in the story – a spider fell from the stars, like the Blob or the Body Snatch plants or Venom in SPIDER-MAN 3. (read the rest of this shit…)

December 5th, 2024 | 7 Comments »

Blue Giant

Look, I’m not trying to be a role model here, I’m just telling you what happened. I saw that there was an anime movie about jazz musicians, and I was intrigued. It’s called BLUE GIANT, and it’s from 2023, directed by Yuzuru Tachikawa (DEATH BILLIARDS), based on a manga by Shinichi Ishizuka, adapted by someone who goes by “NUMBER 8” and served as “editor and story director” for the manga. The studio behind it is called NUT. You can get it on blu-ray and it’s also on Netflix.

It’s about this young guy named Dai Miyamoto (Yuki Yamada, SHOPLIFTERS, GODZILLA MINUS ONE) who’s introduced living out a Bleeding Gums Murphy fantasy, playing saxophone alone, outdoors by a river bank on a snowy night, the sound of the wind and his gasps of breath as prominent as the squawks of his horn. He vows to become the greatest jazz musician in the world, and moves to Tokyo, where he surprises Shunji Tamada (Amane Okayama), an old friend from back home in Sendai, by showing up at his doorstep. (read the rest of this shit…)

December 4th, 2024 | 9 Comments »

Skinned Deep

SKINNED DEEP is a movie released direct-to-video in 2004 by Fangoria and Gorezone Video. For that reason I recognized the cover but never paid any attention to it until Mr. Majestyk recommended it. Turns out it’s a really interesting one – if not great, at least very distinct. It’s the directorial debut of Gabriel Bartalos, a makeup effects guy who worked on DOLLS, the LEPRECHAUN movies and the BASKET CASE sequels. More recently he did the zombie horse in ARMY OF THE DEAD and worked on DESTROY ALL NEIGHBORS.

Different parts of it reminded me of HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES, THE ROAD WARRIOR, THE HILLS HAVE EYES and TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE 2, except with acting out of a John Waters movie and a few characters that would work in FREAKED or a Brian Yuzna movie. It has a grimy indie look to it and okay, I’m doing the math in my head here and it does seem that 2004 was 20 years ago, but I definitely would’ve guessed this was older than that – in a good way. This does not seem like the same year as DAWN OF THE DEAD remake, SEED OF CHUCKY, CURSED and EXORCIST: THE BEGINNING. I don’t know, maybe it’s that low budget rawness.

It opens with a (reportedly done for real) scarification ritual branding an S and a D into skin, which is not part of the story, just an intense way to lead into the title card. Next an old man driving at night is killed by a monster-faced man with goggles bolted into his head and a bear trap jaw who swings a grappling hook at him and causes his car to flip. This is intercut with close ups of a bodybuilder flexing. We don’t see the muscle man’s face, and much later we’ll learn that he doesn’t have a head at all. This one is pretty different from other movies, is what I’m getting at here. (read the rest of this shit…)

December 3rd, 2024 | 5 Comments »

Nutcrackers

NUTCRACKERS is a new David Gordon Green movie that went straight to Hulu. Since 2018 he’s directed four Blumhouse horror sequels (HALLOWEEN, HALLOWEEN KILLS, HALLOWEEN ENDS, THE EXORCIST: BELIEVER), at least three of them controversial/hated, plus 15 episodes of television. Personally I like his horror phase and wouldn’t mind if he kept going, but I’m also excited that he’s returned to standalone indie films.

Ben Stiller (NEXT OF KIN) stars as Michael Maxwell, an obnoxious Chicago real estate guy happy to tell you about the big deal he’s in the middle of or complain about the young guy Devon trying to steal it from him. Before he can get back to work he has to drive (in his yellow Porsche) to Wilmington, Ohio, he thinks to sign paperwork for his four nephews to be adopted after the death of his sister and her husband in a car accident. But as soon as he shows up the social worker (Linda Cardellini, CAPONE) tells him the foster family didn’t pass the background check so it’s on him to watch the kids until another one is found. Sorry dude. (read the rest of this shit…)

December 2nd, 2024 | 9 Comments »

Happy Sweet Potato Day

Happy Thanksgiving for those who celebrate. I can’t stop worrying about shit but I have much to be thankful for, including/especially all the great people here, the fact that anybody still reads my reviews, takes my recommendations, recommends things to me, and wants to hang out and talk about it with me and the community here you’ve all helped create. I hope you can have some good food today, maybe see family or friends, maybe avoid them if that’s better. I’ll keep striving and I hope you do too. Thanks everybody!

November 28th, 2024 | 26 Comments »

Fantastic Planet

FANTASTIC PLANET (La Planète sauvage) (1973) is a wholly unique experience in animated features. It was made a couple years before I even was, and to this day they don’t make ‘em like this. Soon, though. One of these days it’s gonna catch fire the way anime giant robots did, or fairy tale musicals, or computer animated comedy adventures with a high concept and it’s funny but then it’s serious but don’t worry also it’s still funny, yet surprisingly sweet. Have you seen any animated movies like that? I’ve seen a couple.

That’s gonna be the pattern with FANTASTIC PLANET, too – every entertainment conglomerate and their sister company is gonna come up with their variation on a bizarre alien world with strange creatures and plants, set to kinda funky psych music, animated with cut-outs of ink and colored pencil drawings, looking like the cover of an old sci-fi paperback that you read and can’t quite figure out which scene they’re depicting there. That’s what the people want so there will be a hundred movies like that and they’ll all blend together and be okay but never as good as the original.

This is the story of a guy named Terr (Jean Valmont, IS PARIS BURNING?), who lives on the planet Ygam. He’s an Om, which is Ygam for human – they were transplanted here, like mogwais (if you, like me, believe the GREMLINS novelization). He narrates the story and in the opening scene he and his mother are chased by Draags, the blue-skinned, red-eyed humanoids who are the dominant species on Ygam. Relative to a Draag, Oms are tiny, maybe bigger than a bug to us, but smaller than a mouse or a smurf. (read the rest of this shit…)

November 27th, 2024 | 7 Comments »

Wishmaster 2-4

WISHMASTER was a theatrical release, and given its low budget a profitable one. A year later, producer LIVE Entertainment was acquired by Bain Capital, restructured and rebranded Artisan Entertainment. While distributing real movies in theaters (including absolute classics GHOST DOG: THE WAY OF THE SAMURAI and THE LIMEY), they also started dipping into DTV sequels like the appalling CANDYMAN: DAY OF THE DEAD, the enjoyable THE SUBSTITUTE 2: SCHOOL’S OUT, and yes, a whole trilogy of WISHMASTER followups, starting with WISHMASTER 2: EVIL NEVER DIES (1999).

The sequels are not presented by Wes Craven, but funny enough the writer/director of part 2 is the same guy who did A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2, Jack Sholder. Sadly this is not on the level of FREDDY’S REVENGE, much less THE HIDDEN. He told interviewer Hellter from Gruemonkey that he’d turned down the first WISHMASTER and “didn’t especially like” it, then “needed the work” when part 2 came his way. But he was happy that he got to write it and “had a lot of creative freedom as long as I could do it for the budget.” (read the rest of this shit…)

November 26th, 2024 | 13 Comments »

Wishmaster

I remember seeing WISHMASTER in the theater in 1997. More than that I remember cleaning the theater, because I worked there. There weren’t many people going, so there wasn’t much to clean, but I would try to be around at the very end of the credits because I thought it was funny that you hear the Djinn saying “Careful what you weeessshhh for!” in his ludicrous evil voice. That was the main thing I remembered.

It definitely did not impress me back then, and I’m afraid this is not one of those SLEEPWALKERS situations where I just wasn’t ready. But I can at least say that WISHMASTER is pretty good for a laugh when it’s decades after the fact and you’re not hoping for anything genuinely good, let alone an exciting new horror creation from Wes Craven (who “presents” it).

I’m not sure what Craven contributed, if anything, but the director is Robert Kurtzman, who is usually not known as a director. He’s the K in KNB EFX who in his capacity as a makeup FX genius helped create versions of Freddy, the Predator, Leatherface, Darkman, Pumpkinhead and more. As a filmmaker his biggest feat was writing a 24-page vampire treatment and commissioning newcomer Quentin Tarantino to write a script based on it, then after not getting it off the ground letting him give it to Robert Rodriguez.

Not that I wouldn’t love to see Kurtzman’s FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, but he obviously couldn’t have done anything slick like Rodriguez did. He makes true b-movies like THE DEMOLITIONIST, starring Nicole Eggert from Charles in Charge as as a zombie cyborg cop. Even though this here genie movie got a wide theatrical release, it’s coming from the same realm.

The villain of WISHMASTER is a nameless Djinn played by Andrew Divoff (TOY SOLDIERS, EXTREME JUSTICE, AIR FORCE ONE). We’re told by one of the movie’s exposition-providing mythology experts to “Forget Barbara Eden. Forget Robin Williams. To the peoples of ancient Arabia, a Djinn was neither cute nor funny.” Instead they are “creatures condemned to dwell in the void between the worlds.” (read the rest of this shit…)

November 25th, 2024 | 12 Comments »

Rez Ball

REZ BALL is a recent sports drama that went straight to Netflix. I wouldn’t normally even know about something like that, but it’s co-written by Sterlin Harjo, creator of one of my favorite TV shows ever, Reservation Dogs (2021-2023). This is a little more along the lines of his indie dramas (I’ve previously reviewed his movies FOUR SHEETS TO THE WIND and MEKKO).

The director is Sydney Freeland, who set it in her home state of New Mexico (Harjo’s are usually in Oklahoma). Like Harjo, she established herself with a drama at the Sundance Film Festival (DRUNKTOWN’S FINEST in 2014). Since then she’s directed lots of TV, including two episodes of Reservation Dogs and four of Echo.

It’s a high-school-basketball-team-comeback story, and narratively doesn’t deviate much from what you expect. So there’s a bunch of tragedy at the beginning involving the troubled life of “The Braided Assassin” Nataanii Jackson (Kusem Goodwind), star player of the Chuska Warriors. He’s got a really compelling, stoic presence and I really thought he was gonna be the main character, but when the team is forced to go on without him you realize oh, this is about his smiley buddy Jimmy Holiday (Kauchani Bratt) having to come into his own. (read the rest of this shit…)

November 21st, 2024 | 2 Comments »

Trigger Warning

TRIGGER WARNING is a b-action vehicle for Jessica Alba (MACHETE, MECHANIC: RESURRECTION). You don’t see her in big movies anymore but she looks basically the same as you remember and she’s playing a CIA covert ops badass whose father dies, so she comes home to her small town, uncovers a criminal conspiracy and fucks up some motherfuckers.

When I saw the trailer I was thinking it was like how Netflix gave tough lady action vehicles to Allison Janney and Halle Berry and different people. But then it opens with a war scene in Syria and I thought oh no, this is more like a recent made-for-VOD movie that Dolph Lundgren and Mickey Rourke would each have a couple scenes in. That’s the general feel of the thing, and storywise it’s all well-worn tropes, very low on original spins. It’s generic – all the numbers are there, all in order – but slightly above average for this sort of thing. Alba seems very dedicated and is cool in it, so at the bare minimum level of “is it a movie where Jessica Alba beats up a bunch of chumps?” it is successful. (read the rest of this shit…)

November 20th, 2024 | 8 Comments »

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