"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

June 1, 2005

I wasn’t sure if I should watch THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS for this series, wasn’t sure if I’d get anything out of it, and certainly I don’t know how to go into as much detail about a movie like this as I do the ones about some sort of punching or slashing. But, you know, it’s a drama aimed at young women, based on a popular young adult novel, not the sort of thing I pay attention to, and yet it was enough of a phenomenon that we’ve all heard of it. It got a sequel, its cast went on to bigger things, it is notable. Now, I won’t go into detail about questions like did I find myself producing tears at certain parts, or did I not do that… I mean, who’s to say, really? There are many different perspectives, and what relevance does that have anyway. We don’t need to get into that. Let’s stick to the movie. Come on guys stop clowning around.

SUMMER 2005If you’re like me and didn’t really know exactly what this was, here’s the deal. Four girls in Bethesda, Maryland have been best friends since birth (because their mothers met in an aerobics class for pregnant women). As teenagers Lena (Alexis Bledel, SIN CITY), Bridget (Blake Lively in her first major role), Carmen (America Ferrera, REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES) and Tibby (Amber Tamblyn, THE RING) are about to spend their first ever summer apart, due to various vacation plans. On their last shopping trip together before parting ways they find a pair of used jeans that have the magical quality of fitting perfectly on each of them despite their very different body sizes. Then they break into the abandoned studio where their moms had that class (just go with it) and do a little ritual where they come up with rules for how to share and respect the pants. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 2nd, 2025 | 10 Comments »

Bastard Swordsman

BASTARD SWORDSMAN is a 1983 Shaw Brothers production that tells the story of Yun Fei Yang (Norman Chui, HEROES OF THE EAST, ZU WARRIORS FROM THE MAGIC MOUNTAIN), a miserably treated servant of the Wudang kung fu school. He cleans floors and delivers soup and stuff but also in the opening scene the motherfuckers make him run around holding wooden targets for knife practice. When he complains that they’re throwing the knives at him instead of the targets he gets chewed out and called a bastard.

“You can beat me, but don’t call me bastard,” he says, so they immediately beat him and call him a bastard. Sister Lun Wan Er (Leanne Liu, HOLY FLAME OF THE MARTIAL WORLD), daughter of the chief and only female student at Wudang, not only intervenes but brings him to the Hall of Justice to report what they’re doing to him to the uncles. She means well but all it does is get him dressed down some more and told “You’re being unreasonable.”

When Sister says the uncles are being unfair one o them says, “Nonsense. If we were unfair would the chief assign us to be guardians of the law?” In other words authority is always correct by reason of being authority. And authority has decided that the bullies get to keep bullying but Yun Fei Yang has to carry fifty water pails a day. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 29th, 2025 | 4 Comments »

Mission: Impossible – The Final Reckoning

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – THE FINAL RECKONING does not necessarily seem like “well guys, that’s the last one” at the end, but as a whole it definitely does play like they’re trying to wrap things up. Though the seven previous films in the series have been mostly disconnected, this one follows the series’ only cliffhanger, and has multiple instances of people discussing the past adventures of Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise, THE MUMMY), complete with clips. It has two big story threads that tie directly to Brian DePalma’s part I, plus a connection to J.J. Abrams’ part III. Both the NOC list and the Rabbit’s Foot come up – mcmuffin reminiscences from a movie series that has lasted more than four times as long as the TV series it was based on. And that ran for seven seasons!

I think it lives up to the series’ 29-year-long tradition of great entertainment, but it is also by far the sloppiest chapter. That’s not to say it’s lazy – quite the opposite. I think it just got too wild and out of control to ever sculpt it into an elegant shape. They might still be chiseling away at it as we speak. 

I’m not one to complain about long runtimes and unnecessary scenes, especially when the format demands zipping around through a string of incidents, but the first 45 minutes or so of this thing alternately feel like they didn’t have time to finish the edit or like we’re watching consecutive episodes of the world’s most expensive Quibi series. It opens with Ethan watching a VHS tape that’s his “your mission should you choose to accept it” message, though this time from President Erika Sloane (Angela Bassett, F/X), and it’s a very long “as you know” type explanation of what happened in MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – DEAD RECKONING PART ONE, what has happened in the months since, and a reminder that he has the “cruciform key” everyone wants, that he can use to open a thing in the sunken Russian submarine the Sevastapol for access to the source code of the rogue artificial intelligence known as “The Entity” that he wants to destroy and everyone else wants to control. Though it’s obviously ridiculous for her to be telling him this stuff he already knows, and it’s awkward in its length, the forced exposition kicking off a mission is part of the fun of this series. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 28th, 2025 | 53 Comments »

Presence

Peter Andrews

is

PRESENCE


Somehow in the last several years Steven Soderbergh became mostly a streaming guy. MAGIC MIKE’S LAST DANCE played theatrically, but other than that since 2019 it’s been HIGH FLYING BIRD and THE LAUNDROMAT on Netflix, LET THEM ALL TALK, NO SUDDEN MOVE,  KIMI, the great mini-series Full Circle and the… app (?) Mosaic on HBO MAX, plus a web series called Command Z. So it’s good to have him (briefly) back on the big screen. PRESENCE was the first of two Soderbergh joints released in theaters this year. I caught BLACK BAG but this one came and went too fast for me despite being released by Neon.

That’s okay, it’s not one of his crowdpleasers, it’s one of his Soderbergh-wants-to-try-something movies. Small, simple, kinda raw, built around a simple conceit: a ghost movie from the point of view of the ghost. If you’re thinking “Oh shit, Soderbergh did his first horror movie!” I’d ask you to hold on a second. Technically I think it qualifies, but he’s definitely not aiming for the cover of Fangoria.

(read the rest of this shit…)

May 27th, 2025 | 8 Comments »

Striking Rescue

STRIKING RESCUE is not a title I really understand. The movie is not about a rescue that made me say “Wow, what a striking rescue!” I guess maybe I was struck by it? I don’t know. But I do know I enjoyed the movie. It’s a Chinese production, with a largely Chinese cast, but it’s a Tony Jaa movie set in Thailand. The plot is only passable, and playing a character that’s all anger and no innocence means he lacks some of the usual Jaa appeal, but the action is voluminous and ferocious. He still has it, and tariffs have clearly not depleted the Chinese action movie industry’s reserves of elbow grease.

It opens in classic Jaa fashion, with his character Bai An wrapping those giant fists in ragged tape, practicing his trademark earth-shaking elbows, knees and kicks on a stack of tires and a padded wooden dummy, splattering water and dust through the sunbeam that lights the scene, and CG glass shards through the credits. As he hits harder and harder there are flashes of a car flipped over, a wife and daughter shot, Bai An’s cries of anguish. And then we’re back to today and he’s out in a crowded market following somebody. Right into it. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 26th, 2025 | 16 Comments »

I was on Vampire Videos

When I was invited on the podcast Vampire Videos I had to come up with a vampire movie to discuss that hadn’t already been covered in 108 previous episodes. I didn’t want to watch AGAINST THE DARK again and someone had gotten to ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER right before me, but I remembered liking this post-apocalyptic priest vs. monster vampires movie called PRIEST. (You may have seen me mention this when I reviewed the director’s later movie DARK SKIES some weeks back.)

Here’s the episode. Enjoy!

VAMPIRE VIDEOS #109 – PRIEST (2011)

May 26th, 2025 | No Comments »

Unleashed (20th anniversary revisit)

May 13, 2005

UNLEASHED (a.k.a. DANNY THE DOG) is a movie I reviewed when it came out 20 years ago, but unlike MINDHUNTERS I’ve rewatched it a few times over the years. In fact I found some notes and screengrabs from an unfinished review when I last watched it in 2021. It’s a truly international creation, an English-language Jet Li vehicle co-starring American Morgan Freeman, produced and directed by Frenchmen, choreographed by Hong Kong legend Yuen Woo-ping and filmed and set in Glasgow, Scotland, but it feels like it has a unified vision, a very specific take on how to make a 2005 action movie with a big heart.

SUMMER 2005Li plays Danny, a feral person raised in a cage by the cruel gangster Bart (Bob Hoskins, SUPER MARIO BROS.) and trained to be his attack dog. When Bart needs to intimidate debtors or enemies he simply removes Danny’s metal collar and he will go ape shit, destroying everyone in the room with blunt martial arts savagery. Danny is severely traumatized – is he also developmentally disabled in some way? This is never discussed, but for whatever reason he’s very childlike, and he doesn’t know to yearn for a better life until he happens to find one after Bart is attacked by rivals and seemingly killed. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 22nd, 2025 | 8 Comments »

Mindhunters (20th anniversary revisit)

May 13, 2005

I think it’s fair to say that, at least at one time, Renny Harlin’s MINDHUNTERS held a revered status around here. When I reviewed it a couple years after it came out I was thoroughly won over by what I described as “a movie that is really fuckin dumb, but in a good way.” Many readers shared my joy and when, on some other review I can’t find right now, a commenter mentioned being a stand-in the the legendary liquid nitrogen kill scene, we treated him like a superstar. I hold much of this movie in my treasured cinematic memories that I bring up from time to time, but have I ever watched it a second time before now? Not that I remember. So this retrospective was a good idea.

SUMMER 2005(Note: I didn’t re-read the old review until after writing this one, so forgive me if there’s a little overlap.) (read the rest of this shit…)

May 21st, 2025 | 8 Comments »

Jiminy Glick in Lalawood

One movie that came out on May 6, 2005 was Ridley Scott’s crusades epic KINGDOM OF HEAVEN. It was poorly received in the U.S. at the time but later had a widely-considered-superior director’s cut, which I have reviewed. Today I’ll consider a different May 6th release that has not yet had its director’s cut re-evaluation moment.

I don’t remember if I knew about JIMINY GLICK IN LALAWOOD when it came out in its limited release, during which according to Box Office Mojo it collected $36,039. (I assume they rounded to the nearest dollar – the real total could be as much as 49 cents higher.) But there was no chance I would’ve gone to see it then. I confess that as much as I’d loved THREE AMIGOS and Ed Grimley growing up, in the aughts I did not think Martin Short was funny anymore. I was also instantly turned off by fat suits (which I wasn’t really wrong about), so I turned my nose up to Primetime Glick, the Comedy Central show where this hack entertainment journalist character did sort of Space Ghost Coast to Coast style awkward improvised celebrity interviews.

But let me point you to a historical note. Two weeks before JIMINY GLICK IN LALAWOOD came out, the first ever Youtube video, Me at the zoo, was uploaded. During the intervening two decades, through the medium of Youtube clips, I have become aware that Jiminy Glick does in fact make me laugh, so I was actually excited to watch the movie version.

SUMMER 2005Well, the character is still funny. And it seems like a great idea for an improvised movie: he goes to the Toronto International Film Festival. They were able to improvise scenes with actors attending the actual festival, and debut the movie there the following year. There is a plot and new characters and what not, but most of the laughs come just from Jiminy saying ridiculous things to real celebrities. They take advantage of the setting to interview actors on the red carpet (Kiefer Sutherland, Sharon Stone, Jake Gyllenhaal, Forest Whitaker, Susan Sarandon) and even film some bits with Jiminy at parties (annoying Kevin Cline by following him around, thinking Whoopi Goldberg is Oprah Winfrey). They also cheat by having in-studio interviews like the show, including Steve Martin, Kurt Russell and Rob Lowe. All of these people get the joke, but some are better at playing along. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 20th, 2025 | 3 Comments »

House of Wax (2005)

Summer is headed our way, there’s actually a slate of incoming would-be blockbusters I’m excited for this year, and this is also the season when I like to look back thoughtfully and/or nostalgically at memorable summers of the past. As with so many things I get in the habit of doing annually, I’ve painted myself into a corner – I’ve already written about so many movies and so many specific years that it becomes harder to find fresh ground. But on the positive side I’ve been reviewing movies for so god damn long that I can look back at a summer from during my career and realize that enough time has passed that I really could look at most of those movies with new eyes.

SUMMER 2005Case in point: the summer of 2005. Doesn’t sound like that long ago when I say it. I was definitely a grown adult at the time, and I’d been a self-appointed film critic for 5+ years, even self-published a best-of collection. But I have run the numbers and though of course I’m open to corrections on this I do believe that particular year was 20 (twenty) whole years ago at this time. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 19th, 2025 | 8 Comments »

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