Archive for the ‘Comedy/Laffs’ Category
Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
The first thing you see in this movie: “inspired by a true story.” The last thing: “Dedicated to the memory of Sheriff Buford Pusser.”
In between, you got nothing to do with Buford Pusser, except a sheriff with a stick. See, that’s what happens when you raise an entire generation on nothing but Diff’rent Strokes and Duran Duran. They get confused. They grow up, they start running things, but they got heads made out of oatmeal. It’s like letting a dog mow your lawn. If you train it right, it might be able to push the mower around, but it’s gonna do a really bad job by human standards. These kids today, they don’t understand reality. To them, “reality” means you have to eat bugs and stab your best friend in the back to win money. So let me explain it to you knuckleheads. MOVIES ARE NOT REALITY. Because a movie was made in the ’70s does not mean that it actually happened. If you make a remake of Saturday Night Fever or Star Wars, you can’t say “based on a true story.” You have to say “based on a movie you already saw.” (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Johnny Knoxville, Neal McDonough, sort of remakes, The Rock
Posted in Action, Comedy/Laffs, Drama, Reviews, Thriller | 1 Comment »
Sunday, June 20th, 2004
I had no problem skipping this one when it came to theaters, but it was on DVD where the problems came up. Sure, I tried, but then motherfuckers kept recommending it to me. Saying it was “actually good” and “alot of fun” and all that kind of nonsense. After a while I figured well why not, give this Rock dude a shot. I skipped his mummy pictures, so all I know is he was in BEYOND THE MAT and he seemed like a nice guy. Goes by the name of Dwayne, I believe, in everyday life, but for wrestling and movies it’s last name Rock, first name The. No relation to Chris.
The movie was pretty much what I expected when I first succeeded in skipping it. Unfortunately when they’re trying out action heroes that have not yet convinced the Hollywood suits, they have to team them with some company man as his partner/buddy/”comic” relief sidekick. For example they pulled this shit on Chow Yun Fat in BULLET PROOF MONK and here they have the same fucking narc, Sean William Scott from the AMERICAN PIE teenage pictures, saddling down The Rock, making sure he stays in line and doesn’t pull anything funny like making a great movie. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Christopher Walken, Ernie Reyes Jr., Peter Berg, Rosario Dawson, Seann William Scott, The Rock
Posted in Action, Comedy/Laffs, Reviews, Thriller | 4 Comments »
Monday, June 14th, 2004
SPOILER ALERT !!
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with gobs of reviews from the SEATTLE INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL, which seems to have been kicking all kinds of ass lately. Below you’ll find our man Vern’s look at a flick from Clooney and Soderbergh’s production company, Section 8, called CRIMINAL. I love me some John C. Reilly and Diego Luna is fast becoming one of my favorite young actors after his groundbreaking performance in Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN and his love-struck puppy dog character in THE TERMINAL… Not that I have seen that yet… ahem… Here’s Vern for more on this damn cool sounding flick!
Boys –
I’m sure you’ll get more reviews on this one so I’ll keep this one short. Also because I’m a chump and haven’t ever seen NINE QUEENS, the picture from the land of Argentina which this is a remake of. Anyway CRIMINAL is the americanized version which premiered tonight in Seattle. The movie stars John C. Reilly (who was there) and Diego Luna. It’s directed by this guy Greg Jacobs, who was assistant director on an assload of Steve Soderbergh movies, but this is his first as a non-assistant director. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Gregory Jacobs, John C. Reilly, Maggie Gyllenhaal
Posted in AICN, Comedy/Laffs, Crime, Drama, Reviews, SIFF | No Comments »
Sunday, August 31st, 2003
Well friends I’m back after a few months of travelling around the world learning every martial art known to man, or maybe just not being inspired enough to write. One of the two. I would like to thank the people who wrote me nice e-mails to make sure I was okay or encourage me to Write again. Also I would like to thank the people who sent me advice about paying my mortgage, penis enlargement, the hot new mother and daughter pictures, my details and especially the wicked screensaver.
As usual, it is hard to write about politics these days because holy jesus, where do you even start? I have noticed that there were a whole lot of us who were right, and a couple people on tv who were wrong, and yet I haven’t seen anybody saying I told you so. Thanks alot assholes, for taking the fun out of “I told you so.” It sucks to be right when being right means that all those troops you supported so god damn much are left rotting in the desert with no mission, no welcome, no desire to be there, and no hope for coming home any time soon, unless they run over a bomb and lose a couple limbs. Every once in a while you see one of them on tv looking sad, and you have to imagine a little thought balloon over their head that says, “4 more years!?” Oh well, it’s a volunteer army, I guess you can’t really complain that you got shipped off to your doom by the same assholes who turned around the very next day and cut your benefits and your pay. I wonder how many of those congress bitches were still wearing their american flag pins when they signed that into law? No biggie, when we’re done arguing about gay marriage and the ten commandments maybe we’ll look into bringing them home. IF there’s time. I doubt it but maybe. Keep your pants on, troops. Go USA. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Ang Lee, Danny Boyle, Eric Bana, McG, Nick Nolte, Ronny Yu, slashers, Steve Norrington
Posted in Action, Comedy/Laffs, Comic strips/Super heroes, Crime, Drama, Horror, Reviews, Romance, Thriller, Vern Tells It Like It Is | 22 Comments »
Saturday, June 14th, 2003
Hey folks, Harry here… 800 BALAS is brilliant, wonderful and perfection. The cold cracked heart of a cynic without familial love and respect that has killed their own inner child is the only type that wouldn’t appreciate this movie. A film that dreams of a community of Spaghetti Western Stunt Men – a dying breed trying to hold on to the culture and life they’ve built and carved out of the tough terrain of Spain. A story about a boy raised by women trying to find the man within himself by seeking out his Grandfather. It’s about old men and their old tales and the truths behind all those lies they tell. Here’s Vern with his take on one of my absolutely favorite films of 2002…
Howdy fellas.
Hey man, just finished watching this roughcut of ALIEN VS. FREDDY that I downloaded. Man that movie sucked they even had timecode in the corner. Don’t worry though I won’t be filesharing it, people should be willing to pay to see movies. So I’m just gonna sell burns of it on e-bay.
Ha ha very funny anyway boys I just saw Alex de la Iglesia’s 800 BALAS (800 BULLETS to us) at the Cinerama. I’ve been waiting for this sucker for a while because I really enjoyed DAY OF THE BEAST and DYING OF LAUGHTER and I kind of liked PERDITA DURANGO too. Javier Bardem was such a nightmare in that movie, sporting a horrendous schlong, killing chickens and deciding one day hey, let’s go eat some white people. I was kind of surprised when he turned out to be a sex symbol. Same thing with Benicio del Toro. The ladies love him and the first shot in FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS is him pouring beer on his fat belly. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Alex de la Iglesia
Posted in AICN, Comedy/Laffs, Reviews, SIFF | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, June 10th, 2003
Hey folks, Harry here… Underground Comix are one of the great joys on this planet, one that unfortunately… many in the world have not experienced. Most folks that know of Harvey Pekar, probably know of him via either his Letterman appearances long ago or his radio show. However, they are missing the glory that is AMERICAN SPLENDOR. A comic with his brilliant narrative and the illustrative talents of gods like Robert Crumb (you know him), Paul Mavrides (co-artist with Gilbert Shelton on some of the genius that is THE FABULOUS FURRY FREAK BROS.) and Frank Stack (those wonderful NEW ADVENTURES OF JESUS!) While I’m dying to see this film, having been a reader of AMERICAN SPLENDOR – pretty much all my life… at least since STAR WARS entered the world, I have one thing that I’m dying to see more than this flick… Next year’s edition of AMERICAN SPLENDOR – which will deal with Pekar’s experiences at Sundance, Cannes and whatnot. Could be AMAZING stuff. His Blog at http://www.harveypekar.com has been pretty great through all of this. Here’s the trailers and VERN’s take on the film which has won awards at both Sundance and Cannes.
Howdy boys,
Vern here still at the Seattle International Film Festival which is a very good film festival to go to in my opinion, because you just have to take the bus to get there. If you live in Seattle.
Anyway here’s the deal, I know you guys are still arguing about “is the Incredible Hulk phoney looking or not” and etc. but I got another comic book movie that is gonna blow you fuckers through the back of the theater. You thought Huge Ackman was born to play Wolverine, you thought Wesley Snipes redefined comic book acting with his performance in Blade, well what about Paul Giamatti playing Harvey Pekar in AMERICAN SPLENDOR? His super powers involve that he writes a comic book, he is a file clerk at a hospital, etc. This is a great performance and a good movie and why are you looking at me so blankly. It won sundance man come on. Did spider-man ever win sundance? Did snoopy ever win sundance? Not even once, in my opinion. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: biopic, Harvey Pekar, Paul Giamatti
Posted in AICN, Comedy/Laffs, Drama, Reviews, SIFF | No Comments »
Tuesday, April 15th, 2003
You probaly heard of this cute little Mexican sex movie that was nominated for some oscars. It’s really a sentimental story about two young friends on a road trip but it’s also about their sexual experimentation and it’s got alot of the NC-17 sex that’s so hot there were urban legends going around that the sex was all real. So naturally they hired the director to do the next henry porter movie.
The title translates to AND YOUR MOTHER TOO or, in other words, I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER. I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER is directed by Alfonso Cuaron who also directed A LITTLE PRINCESS, an extremely well made fable that’s probaly the real reason they hired him to do Henry Porter. That movie is about a little girl who defies her harsh boarding school by escaping into an imaginative story world. There’s ten headed monsters and all kinds of shit. Everything you want in a henry porter adventure. Shit I admit it I loved that movie, I just never reviewed it because I’m still embarassed by that time I reviewed FLY AWAY HOME. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Alfonso Cuaron, Diego Luna, Emmanuel Lubezki, Gael Garcia Bernal, Maribel Verdu
Posted in Comedy/Laffs, Drama, Reviews, Romance | 1 Comment »
Friday, March 28th, 2003
Chris Rock is kind of a weird dude in my opinion. Remember when he was first on Saturday Night Live? The guy didn’t seem funny at all, and they would just bring him out whenever they needed a black guy. It took a while but eventually he started to get better material and he really broke out, and when he left the show people really started to realize what a smart guy he was. His standup specials are great, his Chris Rock Show was great and he produced that movie POOTIE TANG which is one of the more madly brilliant cult hits of the past such and such period of time.
But despite all this his movie career is only a level or two above David Spade’s. His heart is in the right place but he ends up making corny shit like CB4. When he tries for more credibility he instead ends up in a god damn Kevin Smith movie. I guess NURSE BETTY was okay but still, the guy is obviously capable of so much more. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Bernie Mac, Chris Rock
Posted in Comedy/Laffs, Reviews | No Comments »
Wednesday, February 5th, 2003
Somehow this week I ended up seeing two independent movies starring Kieran Culkin as a troubled rebel kid in a private school uniform. That’s just the way life is sometimes, I guess.
You know my theory about Culkins. They squirt ’em out on a conveyor belt somewhere and sell ’em cheap to filmatists. I’m not sure they even have separate identities, they probaly just call them “Rory” when they’re young and “Kieran” when they’re a teen and “Macaulay” when they quit acting and start going to clubs. If you buy the media hype about them being actual kids, then Kieran must be the most successful of the group because he’s doing legitmate acting roles and he must be 16 or so. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Bill Pullman, Claire Danes, Emile Hirsch, Jeff Goldblum, Jena Malone, Jodie Foster, Kieran Culkin, Susan Sarandon, Vincent D'Onofrio
Posted in Comedy/Laffs, Drama, Reviews | 5 Comments »
Wednesday, February 5th, 2003
Vinnie Jones was the highlight of LOCK, STOCK, AND ETC. ETC., playing the shotgun carrying thug who brings his son with him on the job (SEE: theory of badass juxtaposition; Vern, author). He had a very convincing tough guy, take no shit presence, and I’ve enjoyed seeing him in motion pictures since then, even though most of the british crime pictures that have come my way have been self conscious garbage trying to imitate that earlier picture. I know alot of you liked SNATCH but, I mean, jesus people. Let’s have some standards, is all I’m saying, in my opinion.
According to the british, Mr. Jones was already a famous soccer player known for grabbing a guy in the nutsack during a game. Not in a loving and consensual way either, from what I understand. I guess that’s how people knew he was tough even though he was running around in little shorts bouncing a rubber ball on his head. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: David Hemmings, Jason Flemyng, Jason Statham, remakes, Vinnie Jones
Posted in Comedy/Laffs, Reviews, Sport | 1 Comment »
