BASTARD SWORDSMAN is a 1983 Shaw Brothers production that tells the story of Yun Fei Yang (Norman Chui, HEROES OF THE EAST, ZU WARRIORS FROM THE MAGIC MOUNTAIN), a miserably treated servant of the Wudang kung fu school. He cleans floors and delivers soup and stuff but also in the opening scene the motherfuckers make him run around holding wooden targets for knife practice. When he complains that they’re throwing the knives at him instead of the targets he gets chewed out and called a bastard.

“You can beat me, but don’t call me bastard,” he says, so they immediately beat him and call him a bastard. Sister Lun Wan Er (Leanne Liu, HOLY FLAME OF THE MARTIAL WORLD), daughter of the chief and only female student at Wudang, not only intervenes but brings him to the Hall of Justice to report what they’re doing to him to the uncles. She means well but all it does is get him dressed down some more and told “You’re being unreasonable.”

When Sister says the uncles are being unfair one o them says, “Nonsense. If we were unfair would the chief assign us to be guardians of the law?” In other words authority is always correct by reason of being authority. And authority has decided that the bullies get to keep bullying but Yun Fei Yang has to carry fifty water pails a day.

Meanwhile, some important Martial World political shit is going on. Once every ten years is the contest between Wudang and Invincible Clan. Wudang’s chief Qing Song (Wang Yong, CORPSE MANIA) lost the last two to Dugu Wu Di (Alex Man, CHINA WHITE) and worries that as much as he’s improved over the decade it’s possible that Wu Di’s Fatal Skill could’ve advanced to the seventh level, in which case he’d lose and be forced to retire, obviously. The numbers speak for themselves. When the duel begins and it turns out Wu Di has reached the eighth level, Qing Song concedes.

But don’t worry, Wu Di is very reasonable. “Alright, I’ll spare you again this time. I’ll give you two years within which if no one from Wudang could beat me I’ll come to Wudang and kill everyone myself.” Oh geez, thanks Wu Di, you’re too kind!

Wu Di tells his daughter and students that he’s going to train in seclusion for two years, and that no one is to harm Qing Song, but right after that Qing Song gets jumped anyway, and rescued by a handsome dude with a white ribbon in his hair named Fu Yu Xue (Tony Liu, THE BIG BOSS, FIST OF FURY, WAY OF THE DRAGON, ENTER THE DRAGON). This guy becomes a student of Wudang, catches Lun Wan Er’s eye, and suddenly she starts being mean to Yun Fei Yang.

As if our boy hasn’t already been humiliated enough, the dudes find a love letter he tried to leave for Lun Wan Er, and he’s forced to read it to her in front of everybody at the Hall of Justice (then given more punishments). He finally goes to the chief and tells him about all the bullshit he deals with all day and even Qing Song, who seems wiser than the Guardians, tells him “You’re only one of the servants.”

This has all been the first half hour of the movie, and then there’s a big twist: at night Yun Fei Yang jumps out the window, runs around on the tree tops and practices incredible sword skills which have been taught to him by a mysterious masked man who forbids him to reveal his skills to anyone.

When it’s mentioned that Qing Song refuses to train him he says, “I do not relish that opportunity. His pupils are not that great.”

During daylight the chief, fearing the imminent demise of Wudang, chooses six students “to train separately in the six secrets to fight against Invincible Clan” (throat piercing spear, eight diagram pole, five tigers fist, etc.), and obviously he doesn’t choose the servant, but does choose the new guy, Fu Yu Xue, who by the way it turns out staged the Invincible Clan attack as an elaborate plot to infiltrate the clan and take over as chief. Man, I never trusted that carpetbagger. He kills the chief with a dart and everybody blames Yun Fei Yang. Same as it ever was. At least our bastard is finally free to reveal that he can literally run circles around them, fly around upside down, gliding off into the night. Fuck ‘em. Forever.

Though Yun Fei Yang is still loyal to Wudang and wants to prove his innocence, the daughter of Wu Di, Dugu Fang Er (Yeung Ching-Ching, 8 DIAGRAM POLE FIGHTER, THE BRIDE WITH WHITE HAIR 2) welcomes him to their kingdom, at which point many secrets are revealed about why he’s the Bastard Swordsman. Turns out Qing Song was his dad as well as his secret teacher! The reveal of this and other “sordid affairs” are illustrated with flashbacks shot as if through a kaleidoscope, and those aren’t the only cool in-camera effects in this one – similar reflective effects are used to create magical energy beams and shit.

I apologize for already trying to explain too much of the plot. It’s complicated and you had to be there. But this is a fun movie because it’s all that kung fu intrigue and then the fights are circa 1983 wuxia style. Qing Song enters a scene by flipping onto his throne. People leap and stand on the tips of their enemy’s swords, bending them. Swords are caught in teeth. Stacks of papers or leaves are blown at people and shredded to land in piles spelling out Wudang. Lasers are fired from palms. There is coordinated group fighting called “dipper sword formation” that’s almost like synchronized swimming, or a cheerleader routine in the case of this part where they glide up onto each others’ shoulders forming crosses with their swords:

There are lines like “This formation is really something. Once unleashed it cannot be contained. After 49 moves they are sure to die.” You gotta love lines like that.

Obviously that ratfucker with the white ribbon takes over Wudang and our Bastard Swordsman has to defeat him. He knows to do it he’s gonna have to learn the ancient Wudang secret called Silkworm Skill. The training involves magical shit and literal girl power. By this I mean that he’s told, “It needs the convergence of three Yin forces to release its highest powers” and he asks “What’s that mean?” and she says “I’ll tell you in a while.” No need to bother your pretty little head about it, Bastard Swordsman. The women will take care of it.

As cool as Silkworm Skill sounds it’s actually cooler than I imagined. First of all, a cocoon actually forms around him during training and then he emerges as a “butterfly” with white hair and better kung fu.

Second of all, he can create magical glowing animated threads with his hand movements.

Third of all, the animated threads can turn into physical web to tie on to his opponent.

Fourth of all, #1 (cocoon) was obviously the coolest one and that comes back during the fight – he builds a cocoon around himself, it glows and you can see him inside doing moves, then it bounces around the courtyard while he has a duel inside it!

In the end not to give it away but the Bastard Swordsman may or may not be victorious. (He may.) What’s great is that all those fuckers who were so cruel to Yun Fei Yang finally realize that he’s awesome, and try to act like they’re his pal now. “You have at last done something of value for Wudang!” one says. “All your sufferings and humiliations have become worthwhile!” says another. He could be the new chief of Wudang so they gotta start kissing his ass.

Now that he’s proven himself and worked his way from the bottom to the top, he doesn’t give a shit. He immediately leaves to wander the world. So long Wudang, good luck getting by without your best servant. Lun Wan Er asks to go with him, so I guess that supports that whole idea that it’s better to play hard-to-get.

I suppose we should address that although he does sometimes use a sword, it doesn’t seem like enough of his whole thing that’s he’d ever identify specifically as a swordsman. The Silkworm Skill seems more like the important part. But I don’t know what they could use that would be more accurate – SILKY BASTARD? I mean I’d like that but I can see why they wouldn’t use it.

BASTARD SWORDSMAN was written, directed and action designed by Tony Lou Chun-Ku (THE HOLY VIRGIN VERSUS THE EVIL DEAD), with co-choreographer Yuen Tak (DRAGON FROM RUSSIA, MY FATHER IS A HERO, GALLANTS). According to a web translator, the title 天蠶變 means “THE SKY CHANGES.” Which is a cool title, but not BASTARD SWORDSMAN cool.

You know how everything is based on i.p. now? This was based on a 1979 TV series called Reincarnated, which told some of the same story in 60 episodes, airing five days a week like a soap opera. Chui starred in the show too except he got pissed and quit, so they had his replacement emerge from the cocoon to explain the new face. I bet Chui was jealous he didn’t get to be in the cocoon, that’s why he’s in it so much in the movie version.

Thanks to Mr. Majestyk for endorsing this one, which also falls into a previous rule he told me that any movie that has a Wu-Tang album named after it is worth watching. This one half-inspired the new Wu-Tang and Mathematics album Black Samson, the Bastard Swordsman. (BLACK SAMSON is pretty cool too.)