"I'll just get my gear."

Archive for January, 2000

Cool Girl

Monday, January 31st, 2000

Hey guys, it’s me Vern. Author of Vern Tell’s It LIke It Is weekly column. Well I am changing the sight around a little bit, adding some new categories and what not so that’s why some things might be screwy here and there.

For a minute there I took off the reel.com banners cause I’ve been having trouble with them and these “Pages That Pay” fuckers. As you may know I signed up for this sponsorship program so you could help a motherfucker out and many of you have been kind enough to do just that. Help a motherfucker out. (me.)

Unfortunately not a cent of orders has shown up on my “pages that pay report”, even though I’ve been reminding them and even sending them the order numbers and what not. They always say they will straighten it out and then they don’t. Well now they say it’s just not showing up on my report and it’s coming through though anyway. I will keep the banners up until next week and if they don’t fix the problem those motherfuckers will be sorry they were ever born in a world where the internet connects between them and Vern. (read the rest of this shit…)

And the winner is… Bruce Campbell

Monday, January 24th, 2000

Hello and welcome to my landmark 17th column. The reason this is so special to a motherfucker like me is that this is the first time I have written a column since seeing the Golden Globe Awards program. I have never watched this show before but as an important film Writer I felt it was my duty, my privelege and oh hell it was my honor to watch this awards broadcast presentation.

You see now that I am a part of the Cinema Writing community I am starting to anticipate the OScars awards ceremony. I know it will not quite be the Outlaw Awards but then what the hell is? You gotta keep an eye even on the mainstream fucks and what they are up to as far as giving awards. Since I have been out of the picture for a while and I wasn’t really as much of a Cinema appreciater before going down I really can’t remember the last time I saw them. I vaguely remember Marlon Brando’s indian gal but that’s about it. Anyway according to some information I have researched it turns out that the Golden Globes are one of the major precursors, inspirations and omens for the oscars. They are given out be the foreigner press who I don’t think are actually critics, alot of them may just write gossip if I understand correctly. But anyway, they are what alot of dudes apparently use to predict the oscars. (read the rest of this shit…)

From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman’s Daughter

Tuesday, January 18th, 2000

Well ever since Scream 3 I have been trying to see bad sequels to movies I haven’t seen in the first place. And this one holds a particular specialness to me because it is a part 3 and I am a scholar of part 3s.

Actually, this one isn’t all that bad, for one thing it can get away with not being in 3-D. Unlike Scream 3 it has an excuse because it’s straight to video, and I mean who the fuck wants to sit at home by yourself wearing 3-D glasses. I mean give me a fuckin break.

Anyway this western doesn’t really “hang together” as the famous shoplifting critic Rex Reed might say but it does have its moments which is a hell of a lot more than you can say for most straight to video part 3s in my opinion. The opening to be specific is very strong, with an obvious Sergio Leone influence. It’s in the desert with bright, bleached out photographication and lots of heightened sound effects. You hear the wind and the rattlesnakes and the incessant clicking of guns like you just hooked your hearing aid up to a car battery. (read the rest of this shit…)

Motherfucker in the Mainstream?

Monday, January 17th, 2000

Last week as you know I presented to you the first annual Vern’s motherfuckin Outlaw Awards. I really wanted to make a real event of this, to bring more attention to 1999 Outlaw Award Winner for best picture since I got out of prison Fight Club. so I had that cokehead Walter Leno whip up a press release about it, real professional and all. I sent it out to a couple people, one of them being the ain’t it cool news since they had been Positive enough to print my Curtis Mayfield piece the week before.

Well to my surprise this Father Geek charcater must respect my work, either that or he’s making fun of me because he posted the press release as is. (Well, at the end he Wrote “catch you later” which neither me or walter actually Wrote, that was pure fabrication.)

Now I think some of you motherfuckers might be kind of concerned about ol’ Vern. Here he is on a popular mainstream type sight, he’s got some pretty boy cokehead Writing everything for him all slicklike. That motherfucker has SOLD THE FUCK OUT!

So for you worrying motherfuckers, I have a little story. Most of you have probaly heard by now I was in prison for a while up until last August, well that is where this tale takes place. You see, in the joint we had special entertainment evenings about every month or so. What they do is they hire some poor sap standup comedian to perform for a “captive audience” if you know what I mean. (Meaning we were in prison.)

I don’t know where they get these guys. I don’t even have a clue what kind of scene or school of comedy they might come out of, or if they are good or bad. for all I know these guys could have been the next Richard Pryor but the thing is, you can’t hear hardly a word they say! The moment they step out on the stage and start crackin wise, the audience eats them alive. FUCK YOU COCKSUCKER I’M GONNA STICK IT SO FAR UP YOUR CORNHOLE etc. etc. (read the rest of this shit…)

Teaching Mrs. Tingle

Sunday, January 16th, 2000

Well I don’t know if any of you saw this but there was a gal in my guestbook who Wrote that I shouldn’t date gals in their late teens and early 20s which I believe she said was disgusting on account of my age. Well the more teen movies I get hoodwinked into seeing by these young gals the more I agree with that sentiment. The latest is an embarassing load of shit by the name of Teaching Ms. Tingle.

Let me give you motherfuckers an analogy here. When I was in the joint there was a talent show they would do sometimes. And alot of times some dumb motherfucker would sign up, “Yeah, I’ma do some tap dancing” or “Yeah man I got a monologue you know, what you didn’t know? Yeah I’m an actor bud, gotta monologue here nahmean?” (read the rest of this shit…)


Thursday, January 13th, 2000

This is a good picture by a Cinema Artist who knows what the fuck he’s doing but still it’s almost too much for ol’ Vern and I’m gonna tell you why. But hold on there bud I’ll get to that in a minute.

The movie starts out with the song “One is the Loneliest Number” and maybe it’s just me but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that every one of the motherfuckers in this movie is lonely as hell. You got the divorced cop who drives around talking to himself about his job pretending he’s on COPS. You got the young coke snorting gal who sleeps with older dudes like myself and enstranges from her parents. You got her dad, the game show host dying of cancer; you got the TV brainiac kid that hates answering questions, the former brainiac that wants braces for god knows why, the old man on his deathbed, his emotionally unstable young wife, his nurse… I mean I could go on all day but you might as well just see the thing and make a list of all the characters yourself. I mean hell I know I’m Writing a review here but you can’t expect miracles out of me jesus. (read the rest of this shit…)

Sean vs. jealousy

Monday, January 10th, 2000

Well looks like we all survived the Y2k which is good news in my opinion. Sorry about putting up the wrong column last week I hope it didn’t put anybody in a panic. But I guess if you were hiding down in a bunker and the only sight you went to for information was mine, then thanks a lot I preciate the support. If not then fuck off, I guess.

Well my new year’s resolution as far as I’m concerned is to try to get more established as an online film Writer. And in order to do that I realized I had to work my fucking ass off, starting this last week. And hell man I don’t know if you noticed but I did 1) this column 2) a whole hell of a lot of reviews and 3) a whole god damned awards show. I mean shit man you motherfuckers should be THANKING me for all this. In my opinion. And there is more to come.

So after doing those three things I think it’s high time to stretch my legs a little bit and get away from the topic of Cinema. I have a review of a new movie Magnolia coming up but I figured this is a column, sometimes I should keep the movie reviews in the movie review section, why don’t I use the column to just set my spirit free, look for a muse and just go fucking buck wild. I mean just use the column to do something a lot more personal, something about my past or my Journey or what is going on in my heart and soul, spirituality, etc. Or in this case Write about gossip. (read the rest of this shit…)

Nothing Lasts Forever: The Birth of Die Hard

Monday, January 10th, 2000

If you’re like me, you’ve wondered for years how much Bruce Willis’s DIE HARD (1988) owes to the book it was based on, NOTHING LASTS FOREVER by Roderick Thorp. And then you bought the book on e-bay but didn’t get around to reading it for a while because of an addiction to Richard Stark novels. But now you finally read the whole thing, rewatched DIE HARD and are ready to share with the world a comparison of the movie to the novel. Me and you, we’re in this together, like Bruce and Sam in part 3. We’re gonna do this.

The “ultimate Die Hard dvd” has little mention of the original novel, other than director John McTiernan admitting he never read it. And a quick internet search (a research technique I expect to see in DIE HARD 4.0 if they ever really make it) brings up no detailed comparisons between the movie and the bool. But I’m sure there must be one out there somewhere. Fortunately, I am a fuckin pro at this shit. I done this for myself with MILLION DOLLAR BABY, POINT BLANK/PAYBACK, THE OUTFIT, two Seagal movies, and others. Also I have a commitment to excellence. So I guarantee this will be the #1 DIE HARD/NOTHING LASTS FOREVER comparison on the internet.


The book is about Joe Leland, not John McClane, a retired (not vacationing) cop going to visit his daughter (not wife) in L.A. at Christmas time. In the movie he’s estranged from his wife, in the book he was divorced from his wife and she later died. His daughter used to be married to a chump he didn’t like and has taken his name, Generro (in the movie that’s his wife’s maiden name that she uses at work).

Like in the movie, Leland is on the outskirts of an office party with his shoes off (washing his feet though, because he was told it keeps you from being tired at the end of a day) when he hears gun shots, because terrorists have taken the office hostage. He spends the rest of the book as a fly in the terrorist’s ointment, picking them off one by one, blowing shit up, communicating with them and police on the outside using a CB. Like in the movie, the terrorists are German, and sometimes talk in German so he won’t understand. One major difference is that the book always follows Leland, it doesn’t cut away for scenes on other floors of the building. So unless he’s spying on them, we don’t know what the terrorists are up to. (read the rest of this shit…)

Die Hard: With a Vengeance

Wednesday, January 5th, 2000


My first time

Well I have found that a lot of my readers have also come to love the films of the Bruce Willis Die Hard series. But I wonder how many of you are in the same situation as me. Die Hard comes out in 1988, you love it. Die Hard 2 comes out a couple years later, pretty fucking good. Die Hard part 3 comes out but wait a minute, you are incapacitated and/or incarcerated at the time and are not able to ever get around to seeing the thing until letterbox video in the year 2000.

So yes, this is my first time for Die Hard With a Vengeance which is what they call part 3 for whatever reason, not sure about that one get back to me on that one later.

The other Die Hards took place in a limited setting – part 1, they take over a building. Part 2, they took over an airport. Part 3 opens by montaging New York city to the tune of “Summer in the City” by the Lovin Spoonful. You got the cars, you got the people, you got the stores and then oh yeah you got a big explosion. So right away you say wait a minute, these terrorists, these motherfuckers are working on a bigger canvas this time. That canvas, in my opinion, is called New York city. So it’s a whole different thing we’re dealing with here McClane.

Now the second difference here is that McClane doesn’t just happen to be there by coincidence. In fact he’s on suspension and he’s out drinking and they have to find him, because the mastermind who calls himself Simon asks for McClane specifically. (Not to give anything away but he is Hans Grueber’s brother out for revenge.)

In my opinion the opening is the best part of this piece. This one harkens way the fuck back to Bruce Willis’s Die Hard 1 (1988) in which John McClane was introduced as Hollywood’s most fucked up action hero. He’s separated from his wife, he fucks up bad and starts arguing with her, I mean the guy’s falling apart so much he’s walking around without shoes on. (read the rest of this shit…)


Monday, January 3rd, 2000

My friends, if you are reading this then chances are motherfuckers have erupted into chaos. The y2k millennium bug has stripped the world of much of its established technologies. The days look like night cause of the smoke in the air, the sound of sirens is familiar and the streets are filled with broken glass and the trampled skeletons of the weak. There most likely is no trustworthy money system due to the loss of bank records and computer databeses. The stores have been looted to the bone leaving only a matter of time before most of our resources are used up.

Your life may be in danger while you read this because you are among the elite, the computeratti. Either that or you have backstabbed others to get where you are. You probaly had to lie, steal, fight, maybe even kill for the electric power, computer system and phone lines that you are using to access this web sight. And I wanna tell ya bud I really preciate the support.

If today is Tuesday January 11 2000 or later and this is the most recent column posted, then I have missed the deadline for VERN TELL’S IT LIKE IT IS #15, my second column of the new Millennium 2000. To be frankly honest bud that means ol’ Vern has probaly gone out in a blaze of glory, I’m thinking maybe in a terrorist bombing, apocolypse type situation or battle with oppressive police forces. I guess I could have got run over, heart attack, shot or starved to death but I just hope its something good whatever it is. At the very least I got my computer ripped off or been taken prisoner by marauders. (read the rest of this shit…)