Posts Tagged ‘Steven Seagal’
Sunday, February 18th, 2007
Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.
It wouldn’t be a holiday weekend without our own Vern digging in with a review of a new Steven Seagal film.
Savor it like fine wine. I did.
FLIGHT OF FURY
Starring Steven Seagal
co-written by Steven Seagal
Well, it pains me to admit it guys, but Steven Seagal may be in a small rut here, at least movie-wise. Everyone knows his heart is in playin the blues right now, yet between guitar solos he’s still poppin out 3 movies a year. I’m definitely not counting my man out yet, especially with him directing PRINCE OF PISTOLS still a possibility. But after MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE, SHADOW MAN, ATTACK FORCE and now FLIGHT OF FURY all in a row, I feel like he’s not at his highest potential of achievement right now. Somebody forwarded me his tour rider for some reason (somehow people got the idea I was obsessed with Steven Seagal) and I noticed he’s drinking Red Bull, not his own Steven Seagal Lightning Bolt energy drink. So that might be part of the problem. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, remakes, Seagalogy, Steven Seagal
Posted in Action, AICN, Reviews, Seagal, Thriller | 4 Comments »
Monday, April 17th, 2006
SPOILER ALERT !!
Merrick actually looked up how to spell “shittiness”…
Vern just sent in this review of Steven Seagal’s new MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE.
Wow…what a sad title. Ever notice how the shittiness of titles seems commensurate with a project’s budgetary considerations, release plans, etc.? Someone should develop a “Historical Scale of Titular Shittiness” to see if this theory holds.
Seagal once broke Sean Connery’s wrist while training him for NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN. Let’s see if he now breaks Vern’s heart…
Hello, my name is Vern and I am currently rated one of North America’s top three or four practicing Seagalogists, as well as one of the top two Verns on google. I am the man to come to for the inside dope on every new Seagal picture. However for the last one, BLACK DAWN, the guy who gets me the early screeners fell through and I had to rent it after it hit the shelves just like anybody else. No big deal, I can take my lumps, but there’s a few guys out there – I remember Fat Paul was one of them, and a few others – they’re asking me if I can hook them up with the early review. And as someone who strives for excellence, I got no choice but to come through.
I missed my screener for MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE too but I managed to score the actual DVD just 48 hours before they hit the streets, and I’m here to share my preliminary findings. It’s an Easter miracle. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, Seagalogy, Steven Seagal
Posted in Action, AICN, Drama, Reviews, Seagal, Thriller | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, May 4th, 2005
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with Vern, at his hilarious best when picking apart Steven Seagal’s hilarious worst… Below, Vern pitches a new Seagal masterpiece to the studios, shames New Line for changing the title of SNAKES ON A PLANE and coins the term “Avid fart” which is brilliant. Enjoy!
Boys–
I wish I could review a new Steve Seagal picture for you fellas every day, but unfortunately he only comes out with them every 5 months. Looks like you ran my review of INTO THE SUN (click to read Vern’s comments on that particular movie) last New Year’s Eve, and now after nearly half a year of stumbling through life an empty shell, going through the motions, a movie called SUBMERGED will end the drought later this month. Harry, I assume we’ll be seeing this one on your DVD preview. You got fuckin SPLASH and NATIONAL TREASURE on there man I don’t see how you can justify dismissing this one. Not that I’m recommending this piece of shit, except to the most dedicated Seagalogists. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Anthony Hickox, DTV, Gary Daniels, Seagalogy, Steven Seagal, Vinnie Jones
Posted in Action, AICN, Reviews, Seagal | 7 Comments »
Friday, December 31st, 2004
SPOILER ALERT !!
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here, on the dawning of a new year with probably the most important story of 2004… That’s right… Our man Vern has an unhealthy addiction. Some like crack, some like weed, some like opium. Vern likes Steven Seagal. I don’t pretend to understand, just like I don’t pretend to understand ether addicts, but hey… someone’s gotta keep the love torch going for Seagal and Vern’s just the man to do it! I doubt I will ever willingly and knowingly watch another Seagal movie, but if I do this might very well be the one… Seagal singing? Seagal’s Angels? Released on my Birthday? Signs are lining up and if they click into place I will not be able to resist! Enjoy Vern’s man-love for Seagal! I know I did!!!
Howdy boys,
It’s been a while since I wrote anything for The Ain’t It Cool News. But the time has arrived. Once or twice, maybe three or four times a year, however often it is that Steven Seagal comes out with a new straight to video picture, it is my sworn duty to give you boys a holler. As you know I am one of North America’s leading Seagalogists, and I have found that your place is a good forum for sharing my initial findings as the new works are rolled out for study. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, mink, Seagalogy, Steven Seagal
Posted in Action, AICN, Reviews, Seagal | No Comments »
Friday, November 14th, 2003
Hey folks, Harry here… Vern, being one to only see the arty movies like the ones he mentions below is the perfect choice to review that hero of the Arthouses… I’m of course talking about Steven Seagal and his latest starring success… …ahem… Anyway, lest you get tired of reading about Seagal’s Private Investigator on Drudge-linked stories, now you get the skinny on the top man himself. And if you ever sit down with Seagal for lunch, play the… “How would you kill me” game, where you just continually ask him, once every 4 minutes or so how he would kill you. I hear this is amazingly entertaining as Seagal has an endless variety of ways to kill the annoying fuck sitting across from him. Go on, give it a try!
Vern reviews BELLY OF THE BEAST by Ching Siu-Tung
Boys –
I know you are fans of the hong kong cinema, martial arts, karate, and etc. So I bet you probaly know who Ching Siu-Tung is. Or maybe you know him as Siu-Tung Ching, or Siu-tung Chin, or Tony Tung Yee Ching, or Xiaodong Cheng, or Tony Ching Siu Tung, or just plain Tony Ching. I don’t know, the dude has lots of names. But the point is not what the dude’s name or names is, the point is what the dude does. He may not be as well known in the united states of america as your John Woos or your Yuen Woo Pings or your Tsui Harks. But I bet you’ve seen some of his works before. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Ching Siu-Tung, DTV, international co-productions, Seagalogy, Steven Seagal
Posted in Action, AICN, Martial Arts, Reviews, Seagal | 4 Comments »
Friday, July 4th, 2003
Hi, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab…
No hot air balloons in this one. At least, not to the best of my knowledge. But who cares what it’s about? I’ll take any opportunity to read a review by Seattle’s finest film analyst, the one and only Vern:
Boys –
Well I think it’s been a real good movie summer so far with RETURN TO THE MATRIX and THE AMAZING HULK and CHARLIE’S ANGELS GO FULL THROTTLE and JOHN ASHCROFT VS. THE X-MEN and etc. But now we’re at that crossroads of summer where it could go either way. Now it’s the more iffy movies and the sequels you’re not sure you want or you know for sure you don’t want. Okay, sure, people always wanted TERMINATOR 3 but did they want it if it had to be directed by the guy who made that submarine movie that they never bothered to see, even though they heard Bon Jovi got his head chopped off? A more extreme case is BAD BOYS PART 2. Oh yeah, I always wanted to revisit those great characters, officer (insert will smith’s character name) and officer (guy from big momma’s house). It will be great to find out what has happened to them since that bank robbery, murder, drug deal, kidnapping or whatever the fuck it was that they stopped back in that other movie. I wonder if they still like to sing the theme song from “COPS”, which was already a dated reference when the first movie was made like TEN FUCKING YEARS AGO. Maybe this one will be more up to date and they’ll get some Judge Ito jokes in there. Maybe throw in a “Is that your final answer?” (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, Seagalogy, Steven Seagal
Posted in Action, AICN, Crime, Reviews, Seagal, Thriller | 4 Comments »
Saturday, November 16th, 2002
I don’t know how to explain my fascination with Steven Seagal, but you can read my review of ON DEADLY GROUND and maybe you’ll understand. I don’t think the dude is exactly advancing the cause of Badass Cinema with his works, but I still enjoy every new chapter of his saga.
This time around we find Seagal working with a young rapper named Ja Rule, stealing cars for some European guy. BUT NEVER FEAR. Although Seagal may SEEM to be a mere car thief (or I guess, since he’s Steven Seagal, an ex-CIA black ops car thief), it is heavily implied in the opening scene that he MAY actually be some kind of undercover FBI agent. I don’t want to give anything away though, who knows if he really is undercover or not. Nobody really knows until they themselves have seen the movie. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Don Michael Paul, Ja Rule, Kurupt, Morris Chestnut, Nia Peeples, Seagalogy, Steven Seagal
Posted in Action, Crime, Reviews, Seagal, Thriller | 20 Comments »
Monday, October 14th, 2002
SPOILER ALERT !!
Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
Wow. Bob and David are everywhere right now, and it sounds like they’re having a great time. I still don’t know if I’m going to be able to get into the insane benefit show they’re part of in a few weeks, and I missed this. Still, if we had to have anyone cover it for us, thank god Vern was the one who went. You’ll see why when you read this…
Boys–
I know how you feel about film festivals. You’re for them, right? I think one of you said you were. I’ve seen a couple good pictures at the Seattle International Film Festival but that’s about it for me. Until today, when I decided to venture south to the Olympia Film Festival. And I’m real glad I did.
Usually I avoid Olympia. I know it’s our state capital, it once had a fine brewery and they got lots of college kids who brag because the rock band Sleater-Kinney was named after a street they still have near there. But I mean come on. The street isn’t even that good. In the downtown area the buildings are too far apart, and everything is closed. At least on Sunday. Anyway today they finally got a reason for me to go there: ON DEADLY GROUND. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Billy Bob Thornton, Joan Chen, John C. McGinley, Michael Caine, Mike Starr, R. Lee Ermey, Seagalogy, Steven Seagal, Sven-Ole Thorsen
Posted in Action, AICN, Reviews, Seagal, Thriller | 9 Comments »
