chapter 5
released June 8th, 2001
I skipped EVOLUTION in the summer of 2001 because it didn’t look very good. Hey, what do you know, it turns out me-of-ten-years-ago knew what he was doing. But for this important scholarly work it was crucial that I not just view the 2001 movies people remember. To truly get a feel for the period I had to watch at least one movie that came out that summer and then nobody ever thought about it again.
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(disclaimer: I started writing this review before everybody was writing about RED STATE playing at Sundance, and before you guys all discussed Kevin Smith to death. But I still decided to finish it because the tortoise vs. the hare, etc.)
Kevin Smith has been in the news lately for not wanting to be in the news. He’s done a few interviews about how he refuses to do interviews, and sights like /film have been kissing his ass for basically saying that sights like /film can kiss his ass. He has been doing promotion for his new movie RED STATE by going around saying that he will refuse to do any promotion for his new movie RED STATE.
I had no problem skipping this one when it came to theaters, but it was on DVD where the problems came up. Sure, I tried, but then motherfuckers kept recommending it to me. Saying it was “actually good” and “alot of fun” and all that kind of nonsense. After a while I figured well why not, give this Rock dude a shot. I skipped his mummy pictures, so all I know is he was in BEYOND THE MAT and he seemed like a nice guy. Goes by the name of Dwayne, I believe, in everyday life, but for wrestling and movies it’s last name Rock, first name The. No relation to Chris.
The movie was pretty much what I expected when I first succeeded in skipping it. Unfortunately when they’re trying out action heroes that have not yet convinced the Hollywood suits, they have to team them with some company man as his partner/buddy/”comic” relief sidekick. For example they pulled this shit on Chow Yun Fat in BULLET PROOF MONK and here they have the same fucking narc, Sean William Scott from the AMERICAN PIE teenage pictures, saddling down The Rock, making sure he stays in line and doesn’t pull anything funny like making a great movie. Nope, the wacky buddy is always there to make up a couple jokes at the beginning and repeat them over and over and over and over again until the end of the movie. If there is a part that is mildly amusing, don’t worry, you are sure to see it again. There is no need to rewind. There is alot of unneccessary shtick type business. Alot of stupid shit like oh no, they crash a car off a cliff and scream, or oh no, a monkey jumps on their head. Who knows what kind of craziness will happen next? And Ewan Bremner from Julian the Donkey Boy is in there as an outrageous scottish pilot, and everytime he comes on screen you can tell that the filmatists thought it was hilarious, but you really have no idea what it is about him that is supposed to be so hilarious. I’m sure it was great though if you made the movie. Just not if you watched it. (more…)
What this movie is about is pie fucking. There is a kid who fucks a pie in it. There is also a guy who fucks a grapefruit apparently but you don’t see that. But this guy fucks a pie.
The version I saw is the unrated DVD, which I guess has extra pie fucking footage. in the original apparently it was a standing up with the pie position, wheras here it is a missionary position with the kid mounting the pie. The cover of the unrated DVD shows all the young gals on the cover but don’t be fooled, none of them do any pie fucking in the movie, it is only this one guy.
That is only one part though, the rest is about four high school seniors who make a solemn vow to lose their virginity by the night of the big prom or whatever. Then they all go on a bunch of shenanigans trying to find a young gal to have sex with, and they all screw up really bad, and then they decide that the whole thing is stupid and there are more important things than getting laid and just forget it. And then about thirty seconds later every last one of them suddenly finds somebody and starts humping up a storm.
As you can imagine this is pretty standard stuff, but the actors are all likable and there are some funny jokes. There is some observant humor about how kids use scrambled cable channels to get off. But is this kid stupid or what, there is plenty of unscrambled porn right there on the internet. But then again he’s a pie fucker so who knows.
The main thing I noticed about this movie is that kids today don’t show any appreciation for a blowjob. This little ingrate has a pretty gal sucking him off every day and he’s still desperate to “lose his virginity.” Hell I am not saying I wasn’t lickin and moanin in my day but jesus when I was in high school most kids would get down on their knees and thank the lord jesus christ every time they got even a handjob. If they got to stick their finger in for a minute that was an exciting month. And if they were DAMN lucky and did all their rosaries or whatever then MAYBE they’d get a little poke – and only then would it be even a REMOTE POSSIBILITY that they’d get to the oral business. Holy christ, sliding it in a girl’s MOUTH, that was more than they dared dream of! (more…)
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