I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

Vern braves and endures Wes Craven’s CURSED!

SPOILER ALERT !!

Hey folks, Harry here to bestow upon you the glory and the greatness that is the mighty Vern. He wades through films and text like the Grim Reaper in a Corn Field…. shitting out the husks of material that dreams of better days. Now he turns his excellence at Wes Craven’s troubled latest. A film left hemorraging from the Dimension process, but with a pedigree of cool otherwise. Let’s see what Vern says…

Harry –

Don’t know if you’re sick of me yet this week but I just saw CURSED one day early, so what the fuck man you know what happens next. A review, some belligerent talkbacks, etc.

This is the new one from Wes Craven, who in my eyes at least still has some small amount of credibility. I know he tries his damndest to piss it away on executive produced projects like DRACULA 2000, WISHMASTER, WES CRAVEN’S SO-CALLED CARNIVAL OF SOULS, etc. And he’s done some bad ones all throughout his career. Like DEADLY FRIEND and DEADLY BLESSING. I forget which one is which. One of them involves a robot. And VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN. And THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2.

CursedBut every once in a while he “hits one out of the park” as they say in baseball, and in everything else too I guess, but as a reference to baseball in those cases. I didn’t used to like LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT but last time I watched it it kind of won me over. It has some kind of horrible, repulsive power, despite (maybe even because of) the occasional out of place bits of comedy, in the middle of a series of long, ugly, drawn out death. He’s pretty pretentious to claim that the movie is about Vietnam, but it sort of makes sense. It’s definitely a movie ten planets away from the sanitized horror we get now.

And then there’s THE HILLS HAVE EYES. Not perfect, like TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE, but an enjoyably relentless take on the same sort of deal. I mean, obnoxious suburban family break down their motor home in the middle of a desert missile testing site inhabited by a tribe of vicious inbred mutants, and lose whatever humanity they had fighting for their lives… how can you go wrong with that setup? I’m sure they’ll figure out how with the upcoming remake, but for the first go-round they did well.

And then there’s A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET. Initiated a whole genre of surreal/cerebral slasher movies and elaborate latex makeup effects. Still creepy today. And I liked WES CRAVEN’S NEW NIGHTMARE, too. An early, serious version of “postmodern horror,” before we got so god damn sick of it.

And in between those there’s a bunch of pretty good or okay ones, like PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS and SWAMP THING and SERPENT AND THE RAINBOW.

And then SCREAM. I know everybody says they hate it now but I think it was pretty popular at the time it came out, according to research I’ve done. It started a whole new rush on the previously dead slasher genre. Imitated to death until the genre ate itself and shat itself out and then stepped in itself and had to wipe itself off of its shoe. Say what you will but there must’ve been something to it, is my guess. None of the other (probaly better) horror director icons from the ’70s and ’80s had a success like that in the ’90s. Not George Romero, not John Carpenter, not anybody. So Wes Craven gets a special ribbon for longevity. So maybe there’s some hope for him still.

Although, he did go through that thing where he said that he never wanted to be a horror director, and did that one movie about teaching violin, then went back to being a lifelong horror director again. And I believe his last movie was SCREAM 3 which I can personally testify to because I do believe I saw that one and I wouldn’t mind if I hadn’t. And now he’s spent years making this werewolf movie with the same guy who wrote SCREAM and has been pathetically trying to rehash the same formula ever since.

Okay now that I think about it, if Wes Craven has any credibility it must be stashed away somewhere in a shoebox, maybe with the Christmas tree ornaments in the upstairs closet, or buried out by the oak tree to dig up on a rainy day. And this movie CURSED isn’t convincing me otherwise.

What you got here is a werewolf movie, in the year 2005, that doesn’t at any time make an argument for why we want to see a werewolf movie in the year 2005. It starts out with a cliche – two girls go to get their palms read, end up getting a warning that they will die. Okay, so don’t worry, there’s gonna be some tweak on your expectations, right? No, that would be too cliche. They get eaten by werewolves.

The main characters are Christina Ricci (the little girl from ADDAMS FAMILY, now with boobs) and her geeky brother Jesse Eisenberg (some kid). Christina is starting to date Joshua Jackson (the little boy from MIGHTY DUCKS, now with stubble) who is about to open a hip (?) horror movie themed wax museum. Jesse likes some girl too but her mean jock boyfriend picks on him and calls him a fag, and he’s too timid to stand up for himself, oh no how will he ever prove himself to her and become a man, etc.

So anyway Christina and Jesse are driving down Mullholland Drive, the road not the movie, and of course they hit “some kind of animal” which causes them to swerve and run another car off the road. Inside the car is Shannon Elizabeth, that one gal they keep putting in movies for some reason, and then she gets eaten by a werewolf offscreen, and the two main characters get bit. Who knows what will happen.

Remember that movie, they open up the box and there’s these little old people inside. What the shit man, David Lynch, you’re just makin shit up as you go along.

Okay so we know now the movie is gonna be about they slowly realize they are turning into werewolves, they have to learn to deal with it, they read books about “legends” that tell them exactly what they need to know including that silver hurts werewolves but only using the zombie method of severing the brain from the heart will kill them (see man, it’s a TOTALLY DIFFERENT SPIN ON THE WEREWOLF. You have to cut off the head. Silver only HURTS, it doesn’t KILL them. TOTALLY NEW.) Also of course they gotta find out who the werewolf is that bit them and kill him or her to end the curse.

So what do they do to mix it up and make this a new take on werewolves? My guess is they thought this was a more character driven take on the genre with realistic characters and relationships. But you would only think that if you grew up chained in a dark basement watching soap operas on a fuzzy black and white tv, eating pig slop out of a metal bowl once every two days, or if you were the creator of DAWSON’S CREEK. AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON and GINGER SNAPS are character driven werewolf movies. This is not. Although the geeky brother is a mildly likeable underdog, the others don’t even really seem like characters, let alone people. Christina and Joshua have this relationship that consists entirely of discussing their relationship. “I never thought I’d meet a woman like you.” “I just don’t want to lose you.” “Things have been really weird, and I just need my space.” “Sometimes when I get close, I want to run away.” All that kind of crap. Who knows what they like about each other, since we don’t know what we like about them, or what they even do together. Do they have interests? Habits? Do they eat food or take naps? I don’t know. I think they just keep telling each other not to run away.

One thing I do know, Christina has a job working for The Craig Kilborne Show, which was an actual TV show back when this movie was being made, years ago. Now if that’s not a thrill seeing THE REAL CRAIG KILBORNE playing HIMSELF, I don’t know what is. Man, how did they ever get him. What an amazing coup. Take that, AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON. You may have had a great story and characters, a perfect balance of comedy and horror, unforgettable special effects and some of the best use of pop music in a modern movie… but did you have some prick that used to be on TV, playing himself? I DON’T THINK SO, BITCH.

There’s also a short scene where, performing the duties of her job, she does a pre-interview with Scott Baio. That’s right, CHARLES in motherfucking CHARGE. The dude from ZAPPED. Playing himself. Because of postmodernism, is why, I believe. Of course, they get nothing out of this. No laughs, no weirdly uncomfortable non-laughs, nothing. At least from me, because I was too distracted wondering how we were supposed to believe

1. Scott Baio was gonna be on a talk show in 2005, even a non-existent one starring that prick Craig Kilbourne

2. They were gonna have time to show clips from his old shows

3. The “pre-interview” would consist only of Christina telling him they were gonna show some clips, and no discussion of what to talk about or anything else

Maybe this is nitpicky in a werewolf movie, but I’m sick and tired of these lazy filmatists who can’t be bothered to find out what goes on in the real world before they commit their movies to film. People who watch movies, they live in the real world. They have used a computer before, they have seen news reports before, they have watched talk shows. So they know what they are like. If you’re trying to make it real then make it real, fellas. You created that stupid TV show, right? I’m sure you know talk show people. Ask them how they do pre-interviews. Use a little elbow grease, man. We’re paying money for this shit, sadly. You better do your fucking job.

Anyway, the audience I saw it with was loud and obnoxious, commenting on everything, repeating lines, screaming at the characters, randomly howling, etc. But they were completely silent during the Scott Baio scene. No reaction at all. You know why? Because they cut this movie to a PG-13. They made it into a kid’s movie. And KIDS DON’T KNOW WHO THE FUCK SCOTT BAIO IS. So either make a kids movie with peeing and farting, or make a real horror movie. Don’t make a movie for little kids and then expect them to recognize stars from TV shows that were made before they were born. (I know. We’re getting old.)

And maybe that’s the real problem here, it’s a movie with no audience. It’s a horror movie with no gore, or scares that make you think you saw gore. It’s a werewolf movie where the two main characters are werewolves, but never fully transform into werewolves. (spoiler.) It’s a movie with all the smarts of a below average 14 year old, but with references to 20 year old TV shows. It’s a movie that tries to pass itself off as a new take on the werewolf genre, but just lifts one idea from AMERICAN WEREWOLF (waking up naked scene), one from TEEN WOLF (using werewolf powers to compete in sports and become more popular at school [seriously]), and does everything else LESS than we’ve seen before. The CGI effects are okay, not terrible or great. The transformation scene (all CGI) is only okay. When you make a werewolf movie in 2005, you gotta be wondering how you can make a transformation scene that will take advantage of modern technology to somehow stand out from the pack of AMERICAN WEREWOLF, THE HOWLING, or shit, even THRILLER. In this case, they musta just figured fuck it, why try. Let’s just do an okay morphing version of the same thing.

Hey, did you catch that? I wrote “stand out from the pack.” Because of wolves. I made one of those Gene Shalit style puns and I didn’t even mean it. I can do anything that fucker can do. I review circles around those guys. But enough about me, back to the special effects and how they are not enough to save this movie. There are also some scenes with a dude in a suit, that look like a dude in a suit. Since they happened in the horror movie themed wax museum, I was halfway expecting one of those “oh no, you killed the guy in the werewolf costume, not the real werewolf” scenes, which would’ve been worse.

Man, they even got a scene in a hall of mirrors. They probaly didn’t have enough mirrors, so it’s not even a chase scene, they just got the lights going on and off until the werewolf appears. Ooh, spooky, which one’s the real one, and which one’s the mirror? It could be a scene from Scooby Doo, but there’s no irony to it, no ENTER THE DRAGON reference, no innovative new twist on the ancient idea.

Also, they act like it’s a big surprise when the identity of the werewolf is revealed, but there’s really only two choices. Unless you count Scott Baio or Craig Kilbourne. If either one had turned wolf it might’ve been interesting, but no dice. (spoiler)

I only noticed two ideas in this movie that were original. So I’m gonna give them both away right here so you don’t have to waste your time. First, they got the homophobic jock bully who picks on Jesse all the time, and Jesse has to defeat the guy in wrestling to prove himself and stick it to the man and impress the cheerleaders. Usually that would come later on in the movie but they make it about halfway through, then after Jesse beats him, the jock comes over to his house, confesses that he actually is gay and tries to kiss him. An okay surprise, but I’m not sure Kevin Williamson (who is gay, I believe) thought things through too much. Because you see that with an audience of 2005 American teenagers, they all laugh at the faggot and gag and say “eeeeeewwwww!!!” Even here on the dangerous blue edge of the country.

Also, according to my nerd issues consultant from my Wednesday night creative writing class, this basic setup of the homophobic jock bully turned friendly gay guy was already done with a character on the “BUFFY” vampire tv show thing they had. So scratch that one.

The other one I don’t think I’ve seen before is a subplot about their pet golden retriever Zipper, who bites Jesse and gets infected. So he becomes a weredog, or a dogwolf, or something. A dog who turns into a wolf at the full moon. Or at midnight. Or at random. (They really don’t establish the werewolf rules too well in this movie, come to think of it.) Anyway, that makes for two good scenes. Both short. And that’s about it for imagination and new ideas.

How does a movie like this happen? I think we all know. This was filmmaking by committee. You didn’t have to read about it to know it. It has the rotten smell of executives all over it. They spray their territory, same way cats do. For the 2 or 3 days that there are articles about this movie, before it’s forgotten forever, every writer will say how the movie itself was “cursed.” I read an article in the “Fangoria” horror movie magazine where they explained the whole deal. They stopped filming in the middle, decided to rewrite the whole thing. At the time it starred Christina Ricci and Skeet Ulrich (remember that dude?) as her love interest. Then they decided to rewrite it so they were brother and sister. Eventually Skeet got fed up and left, so they made another character, Jesse Eisenberg’s, into the brother. Omar Epps and Corey Feldman were also in the movie at one time, but they got cut out. The article said that Freddie Prinze Jr. was added to the cast also but when I saw it today I sure didn’t notice him.

Wes Craven said it was a terrible waste of money and time and a horrible way to make a movie, but that ultimately he was happy with how it turned out and proud of the movie, as long as they don’t cut it.

So they cut it to a PG-13. The article includes a picture of a cut-off head and a gruesome mauled R&B singer with a severed arm and crossed eyes. In the movie they just fade to black. Oh well, why would anybody want to see somebody get killed by a werewolf in a movie about people getting killed by werewolves? That would be ridiculous, like putting explicit sex scenes in a porno.

I know most of the talkbackers hate me, but I bet this is one thing we can all agree on. This bullshit has to end. If somehow you are hurting for evidence that Hollywood executives don’t have the common sense of a house fly, look no further than this trend of PG-13 horror movies. I mean sure, it can work with a ghost story, but not anything else, because anything else requires killing. I never saw that PREDATORS FIGHTING ALIENS movie, but I still wonder what on God’s green earth those crackheads were thinking when they decided to make it a PG-13.

You say R-rated movies have too limited of an audience? Hmm, let me see if off the top of my head I can think of any precedent for successful R-rated movies, adored by adults and children alike.

Hmmmm. This is tough.

Wait, give me a minute.

Hmmm.

Well, all I can come up with is ALIEN, ALIENS, ALIEN 3, ALIEN RESURRECTION, PREDATOR and PREDATOR 2. Not sure if those are relevant to what you’re working on here.

Same thing with this. I’m sure they figure they got Wes Craven, they got Kevin Williamson, they want to attract a big teen audience, just like SCREAM did. With an R-rating. It was watched by teens, who were able to get in. Who are now 25, and don’t want to see a fucking PG-13 werewolf movie.

HINT TO HOLLYWOOD: PG-13 movies now are like PG movies were not long ago. PG-13 is SPIDER-MAN or PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN. It means it’s okay to bring your kids.

Adults, teenagers, horror fans, and shit, even kids, want to see R-rated movies. I don’t know if maybe you’ve heard of THE TERMINATOR or THE MATRIX or maybe THE ENTIRE HORROR GENRE. But those are examples of movies that should have R-ratings that are able to still make tons and tons of cash for you to buy your cocaine with.

This is not a process that works. You can’t have somebody half finish a script, then start filming, then tell them you want something else and have them rewrite it, then when it’s finished try to cut it into something else you thought of later. How many times can you make that mistake and not figure out what’s what? I’m telling you guys, you just can’t make a good movie the way you are trying to make movies. You can’t even make a good sandwich that way. You’d end up with peanut butter and dijon mustard, with lightning bolt shaped bread that has jalapeno cheese sauce in the crust, and a little screen made out of white chocolate that you can use to look up football scores and download the new song by Ludacris. These people cannot be trusted to make decisions about art or entertainment. They should not be allowed out of their houses.

Something else about the PG-13 rating too. You’re worried about piracy killing the movie industry? I actually WISH these little bastards were staying at home pirating movies instead of watching them in public with us grownups. You ever tried to watch a horror movie with a bunch of teenage kids who need something to do and go to a movie they know nothing about because their friends are going? You sit there waiting for the movie to start being ear-raped by every bad consumer product and musical style ever invented, then you spend the whole movie gritting your teeth trying not to punch some asshole that won’t shut up through the whole god damn movie. You want to save movies, start with the moviegoing experience, so people still have a reason to go. You have only yourselves to blame. Until you straighten up I’m passing out blank DVDs to every stupid kid I see. You people should be ashamed of yourselves what you’re doing to our culture.

Anyway, no, this is not the second or third coming of Wes Craven. This one will be LESS memorable than SHOCKER. So don’t get your hopes up.

No boobs either by the way. PG-13.

sorry to bring bad news Harry.

your friend,

Vern

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/19507

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 3:09 a.m. CST

    Wny No “R”?

    by Tripman5000

    .Hollywood is wimping out and the public will reject watered down shit sooner rather than later.

    First too!

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 3:11 a.m. CST

    surprise, surprise

    by blue7

    Great job, Craven, on securing the PG-13 so the widest possible audience can ignore this stupid piece of shit. What exactly have you done that’s been worth a hot fart in the last, like, 15 or 20 years?

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 3:15 a.m. CST

    The single best and funniest review in the history of Ain’t It C

    by heywood jablomie

    Whoever you are, Vern, this Bud’s for you.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 3:16 a.m. CST

    HOT SHIT

    by Darth Borgnine

    You said it Vern. Fucking loudmouthed teens and studio execs should all eat shit and die.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 3:27 a.m. CST

    BEST REVIEW EVER!

    by JethroBodine

    YAY! I love it when a reviewer will honestly tell it like it is. I applaud thee.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 3:35 a.m. CST

    damnit Vern

    by rebel299

    now, if i get bored out of my mind i might go see this just because i can catch a glimpse of Scott Baio. looks to me like that might just be the only interesting thing in this watered down piece of modern horror shit. fuck studios wanting pg-13 movies because they think they can make more money. fuck them up their stupid asses.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 3:39 a.m. CST

    “Mullholland Drive, the road not the movie,”

    by chrth

    LOL!

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 3:49 a.m. CST

    The original SCREAM was pretty dang good, and I still like it al

    by Tall_Boy

    But, damn PG-13, as said before

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 3:50 a.m. CST

    Who in the hell would see this anyway?

    by Heckles

    It was made in 2003, shelved, and there wasn’t a press screening (hint: it smokes rope.) There’s a review for you, AICN.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 3:54 a.m. CST

    Wierd…..

    by Chief J

    A Vern review without one mention of Guillermo Del Toro or Blade 2? Especially in an article that mentions successful R-rated movies? Crazy. The idea of a cool werewolf movie sounds easy, but a film has to come around and prove thats just not the case.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 3:54 a.m. CST

    Don’t bag on Scream

    by ryLRci

    That movie single handedly revived horror and it was a sick-ass movie. As for Cursed, I’m compelled by Ricci and Craven but Mya, Shannon Elizabeth, Scott Baio, Kevin Williamson, and no press screenings are screaming “shit”. Not sure. Not sure.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 4 a.m. CST

    Pretty f*cking good review….

    by slobmyknob

    ….nice job. I agree 100%!

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 4:22 a.m. CST

    DVD scam!

    by Kyle.Reese

    The rise in PG-13 (or 12A films here in the UK) is a scam devised to sell director’s cut DVDs!!! Think about it, people pay for a chopped up movie that makes no sense and then pay double (even triple) the ticket price for the complete film on DVD… This is one of the reasons I hated Lord of the Rings (one of many).

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 4:39 a.m. CST

    Vern, you ROCK!

    by Spaceman Spliff

    That has to be the most entertaining, well-written review I’ve read in a long time. (Yeah, I know: a review of a review. Very Po-Mo.) I saw Ricci on The Daily Show tonight, and when she said how the movie was made I knew it’d be a big, smelly steamer. (Don’t you feel sorry for all those actors who have to go on TV and lie about what a big, smelly steamer their latest isn’t?) It pains me to see the werewolf genre gang-raped again and again, especially since one of my earliest cinematic memories is getting the shit scared out of me at a drive-in at age 9 by “American Werewolf in London.” (That movie put me in therapy. Literally. I couldn’t open a shower curtain for years without expecting to be stabbed in the chest by a Nazi orc. Or whatever. The Point? I have RESPECT for that movie.) “Ginger Snaps” was cool, but how many of those are they up to now? Five? I’m grateful to be waved off of yet another disaster. Keep ’em coming, Vern; I’ll keep reading.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 4:53 a.m. CST

    I gave up

    by donner

    If I wanted to read an essay I’d go to a university

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 5:07 a.m. CST

    p..p…plant!

    by Dolmes

    Yeah right

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 5:21 a.m. CST

    we told you almost a year ago a pg13 would fuck the film

    by Spacesheik

    why are people surprised – craven is overated anyways, he doesnt know how to stage scenes or use widescreen in any form – craven is like john carpenter on a perpetual bad streak.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 5:37 a.m. CST

    the vern reviews

    by Son of man

    longest review i’ve read. and didnt even notice. perhaps this guy is good.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 5:56 a.m. CST

    Love that Vern man!

    by ScaryJim

    another great one from Vern – i suspected as much after reading the ‘vampires 3’ review. LOL . Even if i do like ‘mulholland drive’ alot (the movie not the road) Harry this guy needs to be on your staff .

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 6:22 a.m. CST

    Bullshit Free Rock N Roll For Werewolves

    by reni

    The Howling and American Werewolf are almost 25 years old. They piss on this stuff. It’s a joke. When are Studios going to learn? By the way Vern 5 On The Outside is magnifique. As they say in Oldham. Good work Bruv.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 6:30 a.m. CST

    Re: heywood

    by jollysleeve

    Clearly, you’ve never read Vern’s review of the Steven Seagal movie “Out For a Kill.” Seriously, anyone still on the fence about Vern should take a visit to his site and read some of his past “Vern Tells It” essays. I guarantee afterward, you will either be making “Vern For President” campaign buttons or you’ll vow never to read another review of his again.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 6:45 a.m. CST

    He does go on a bit though……

    by Big_Bubbaloola

    So you didnt like the movie!! Just leave it at that, possibly with a bit of explanation. Some good gags though. As for the PG-13 crapola……par for the present course my friends…….par for the motherfucking course.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 6:53 a.m. CST

    Spoiler warnings go BEFORE the spoiler

    by FrankDrebin

    Dogs are related to wolves, so if a human who get bit turns into wereWOLF, (SPOILER) shouldn’t the dog have turned into a wereHUMAN?

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 7:30 a.m. CST

    whats his webby then

    by ScaryJim

    URL ?

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 7:35 a.m. CST

    RE: DVD Scam

    by RamRodVegas

    I agree with Reese… I’m about 26 and went to go see Boogeyman, which lacked both Boogey and Man.. and wound up in a packed theater full of kiddies who were dropped off at the theater with their multi-lighted cellphones going off and talking throughout the whole thing. Going to see a PG-13 horror at the theater sucks.. but honestly, it’ll make the $$$ because kiddies love horror, especially if it’s PG-13 and they can get in to see it. And then they’ll turn around and buy the DVD special edition in like 2 months… then when Cursed 2 comes out starring Willie Ames trying to break out of his “Bible Man” character they will continue to flock and spend more money… That’s why Netflix has already saved me hundreds of dollars from not buying “Extreme Unrated Director Ultra Editions…”

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 7:37 a.m. CST

    SCRATCH THAT

    by ScaryJim

    i’m a stupid blind motherfucker sometimes . No offence to the stupid and blind.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 7:37 a.m. CST

    Re: DVD Scam

    by RamRodVegas

    But then again…are we sure that the Charles in Charge DVD Season 1 set isn’t coming out yet? Could explain his appearance in the movie…

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 8 a.m. CST

    You had me, Vern, you did

    by BitterMan23

    But you ruined it at the end by dissing Shocker. WTF!!! Shocker is by far, the single best late 80s horror. The soundtrack is even better than Lost Boys’. Im still pissed at Uni for not releasing the special edition in Region 1 as they did for the others.

    Anyway, hilarious reviews like this only make me WANT to see the movie so i can laugh along with ya.

    I’m torn between my love of Craven and my downright hatred of Dimension/editing. Maybe ill flip a coin…

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 8:56 a.m. CST

    People Under the Stairs

    by Buddapest

    Only reason I saw that unwatchable piece of crap was because my cousin and I were being paid to count the number of people in the audience. I hated it!

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 9:01 a.m. CST

    Theater experience has become unpleasant

    by Jack Burton

    It’s definitely worse in PG-13 movies, but R rated flicks still draw the jackasses too. I saw “Constantine” and the guy behind me spent good parts of the movie drumming on his drink cup and loudly exclaiming how much he was enjoying the movie to his wife/mother. The guy was at least 40. On the flip side, when I saw “Saw” a group of teenage girls brought along their obviously challenged friend because she asked questions every 20 seconds and said things like “The phone is ringing.” when a phone rang on screen.

    Thank god for home theater and netflix. Instead of going to see 20 or 30 movies a year I’m down to about 5, and that is due to the rudeness of the people in the audience, although the 20 minutes of commercials hawking Axe body spray definitely contributes to the bad time.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 9:06 a.m. CST

    Fuck Hollywood (dont censor me!)

    by KingKrikkit

    I gree with you all really, esp RamRodVegas, I saw Boogeyman on my birthday and was not only completely disappointed in the film, but it was full of kids I had to tell to shut up at least 3 times… its ridiculous…

    I wish people in Hollywood would throw away thier “hollywood guide to movie formulas” and give people money to make films that are interesting, original, enetertaining, surpising and when neccessary, scary and gory as hell. I’m sick of it and truly the only way to stop it is to not see the movie. I seriously havent seen Catwoman and never will… not even for free… btw, Halle Berry has privately said she HATED Catwomen and absolutely does not want to do a sequel, even though she contractually obligated to do one, she knows it mortally wounded her credibilty and her career, and the studio knows it sucked but guess what? the bottom line showed that money was made in the end, so the studio greenlit a sequel! to a universally hated movie!!! because it made money!!! fuck Hollywood….

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 9:16 a.m. CST

    Damn!…

    by Kid Z

    …”the genre ate itself and shat itself out and then stepped in itself and had to wipe itself off of its shoe”… that’s just…POETRY, man!

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 9:23 a.m. CST

    Awesome review Vern…

    by Anlashok

    I’ll steer clear of this one, damn, and love werewolf movies.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 9:34 a.m. CST

    whos craig kilborne?

    by dr.bulber

    n whos scott baio?

    i gotta pee.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 10:04 a.m. CST

    I agree on DVD scam

    by Funmazer

    it happens to pretty much every sub $75 mil grossing comedy, even the theatrical “R” rated ones (like White Castle and Anchorman) and underperforming action PG-13 stuff like AVP and King Arthur. I saw the unrated Arthur on DVD and it wasn’t too bad, but I realized “A PG-13 version of this in the theatre must have been a confusing choppy mess” So a movie will only retain its original form on DVD if A) Grosses over $75 mil B) Directed by someone big C) Is important “art” or Oscar film. The problem with this is that it weakens the theatrical experience – when DVD becomes the format of choice to see “real” versions of films. The “R is evil” thing is so stupid, there’s TONS of huge hit “R” movies – although a common theme is that they’re also usually good movies. However think about it – the big hit movies that studios release as “R” are also usually the ones with big stars, big budgets and big directors (Gladiator, Private Ryan, Matrix) So even though people will GO to an “R” movie in droves the studios only trust the rating to “premium” films and not little stuff like horror movies. And yes don’t tell Hollywood but little kids watch “R” rated movies. On DVD. So much for protecting them in the theaters! :)

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 10:21 a.m. CST

    If you want to see major Studio Surgery…

    by Christopher3

    Check out the DVD for John Dahl’s “Joyride”. I think there’s like 10 different branching versions of that movie on the disc.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 10:42 a.m. CST

    I’d eat the corn out of Christina Ricci’s shit

    by I Dunno

    And I don’t even like corn.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 10:47 a.m. CST

    Craig Kilborn Fucking Rules!!

    by Flaparoo

    Kilby is the fuckin man, no matter what anyone else says.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 10:58 a.m. CST

    hey, this guy’s all right!

    by Hud

    absolutely spot on about how the various producers and kibbitzers have no business being anywhere near creative endeavors.

    I also like what he says about the plague of PG-13. I guess the good news is that it forces adults to forgo the movies (and most packaged entertainment) and get their jollies and enlightenment from real life if they can.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 11:25 a.m. CST

    (spoiler)

    by symphy

    I think my favorite thing about the review was that the spoiler warning came after the spoilers. Because it doesn’t matter, because it sucks. Great review.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 11:30 a.m. CST

    Vern, you’re getting an A for effort. Now jump in that lake and

    by Silver_Joo

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 11:34 a.m. CST

    Filmjerk called it “an editorial Boston Tea Party”

    by LaudnerGomez

    http://www.filmjerk.com/new/article-1207–0-0.html

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 11:38 a.m. CST

    Ramrodvegas and the teen-filled theater…

    by zer0cool2k2

    I also went to see Boogeyman on opening weekend, and the only thing that made it harder to watch than the noisy teenagers was my friends constantly yelling at the teens to shut the fuck up. One of my female friends almost got into a fight after commenting about some woman who had brought her baby to th theater. About 20 minutes in, the theater cops had to come and stand on each side of the theater to keep things quiet. My friends vowed to stay away from the multiplex after that, and now only want to go to our local Movie Tavern, with it’s small screens and inferior sound. (Yay!) I did manage to get them to Constantine at the mall Gigaplex, thanks to it’s R rating. I just don’t seem to remember being all that noisy when I was a kid at the theater. I wanted to watch the damn movie! Of course, I didn’t have a cell phone to yack on, or the knowledge I could watch the DVD in a month if I missed anything either. Then again, i don’t remember having any particular problem getting in to see R rated movies when I was a teenager either.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 11:38 a.m. CST

    “That’s right, CHARLES in motherfucking CHARGE.”

    by Childe Roland

    It’s golden tangentials like these that are rapidly making Vern my favorite Ain’t it Cool reviewer. But you’ve got to tighten it up a bit, brother. Attention spans just aren’t long enough to follow you all the way home when you detour through the woods to show us the place where you smoked your first cigarette and shot your first squirrel with a BB gun. Less is more, man. Especially when it’s good. Oh… and this movie sounds like a tired old serving of leftover ass.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 11:42 a.m. CST

    20 MInutes B4 the Show/DVD Rip Off

    by RamRodVegas

    Yeah, I hate the 20 minutes of commercials before the show, too.. Granted some have “sneak-peaks” at upcoming movies or TV series or something like that.. but if you go to the movies more than once a month you sit through the same crap every time!! And god forbid showing up five minutes before the movie, because all the good seats are gone.. Going to the theater has jumped the shark, if you ask me.. that’s why I’m sticking to my home theater system… If you plan on going to the movies, you have to pre-purchase your ticket to ensure you get one.. get there 45 minutes early to get your ticket, get your over-priced concessions and then find the right seat… then sit through the commercials.. What’s worse is that the theater here has TV’s with commercials to watch while you’re waiting in the snack line!! Soon enough.. major studios will release a movie and when it tanks put it on DVD 2 or 3 weeks later as a bare bones DVD.. then in 3 or 4 months release the “Special Edition” and then on it’s 1 year anniversary release an “Ultimate Reunion Edition”.. and the list goes on and on…

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 11:49 a.m. CST

    Ramrodvegas and the teen filled theater

    by RamRodVegas

    Zer0, I agree.. but then again look at the quality movies we grew up with and the quality movies the teens of today are growing up with.. I went to the movies to watch and love movies.. I didn’t go to jerk around.. that’s what school was for.. But honestly, I think the studios should take some heat for the crap bombs they keep releasing and its effects on teenage behavior at the theater.. I didn’t have to yell at anyone to shut up when I saw SW Episode I or Episode II on opening night at Midnight in a theater filled with people.. Even though the conversations could have probably been more interesting..

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 12:04 p.m. CST

    I vote for Vern as head of production of every studio en Hollywo

    by Huevo

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 12:21 p.m. CST

    I’m with everybody else

    by BankyFan

    This is one of the best reviews this site has ever posted.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 12:27 p.m. CST

    The theater experience

    by Big Bad Clone

    I like the movie theater. I just hate the fucks in there. I almost thought Sideways was narrated with the way the asshat behind me was describe the movie to wife that kept shhing him. Actually watching the Grudge was fun since the people in there where of the “Don’t go in there, ghost gonna get yo ass” variety and would actually scream at the “scary” parts. BUt in the whole people just don’t shut the fuck up. Hell, I like to make fun of movies at home. When I could fucking rewind or I at least can do it with a friend who shares my sense of humor. What I’m not going to do is drop a bunch of money to listen to talk about whatever the fuck you could talk about later. — Oh and PG-13? Please, motherfucker, that’s just bullshit.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 12:33 p.m. CST

    shit though it may be, this movie makes perfect sense…

    by Blacklist

    yes, retarded little teenagers want to see R-rated movies, but they can’t right? Not unless they get their parents to go with and buy the tickets, and that would defeat the point. Little 16 year old Skyler McTarget-Audience and his girlfriend want to go see a ‘scary’ movie for some kicks. How are they going to get into an R-rated movie and still have it make money? Buying tickets to Fat Albert then sneaking into Cursed doesn’t do Dimension any good. And of course, we have Scream to thank for the nu-metal/hip-hop infused MTV slasher genre now. Movies that play like extended trailers for other movies coming out that will no doubt be the exact same as the ones before. Getting upset at Cursed is like getting upset that the new O-town album sucks.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 12:49 p.m. CST

    Blacklist is Right

    by RamRodVegas

    Yep, it does make sense, to the kiddies, to the marketing people to all of those other people.. I think that most people are angry about it being PG-13 is because we want a movie to be a certain way, if you’re going to attempt to do the Werewolf genre in a “hip new way” then do it right.. that’s all.. Don’t water it down and make it appear to be what it isn’t.. It’s o.k. to get upset at Cursed because it’s not what we want.. just like any album from O-town is probably not what we want either.. As for Scream, I think compared to movies like The Cursed, Scream will probably look like Ben Hur.. the simple reason is because Craven and Williamson are trying to rehash some magic that they once had.. and with Scream I wasn’t so much a big fan of the gorey killings but essentially who was killing everyone.. it was the mystery that drew me in with that.. If Craven is going to rehash and backtrack and do something he’s done before then why not direct another Nightmare on Elm Street? Heck, team up with Sean Cunningham and direct Jason Vs. Freddy 2.. Robert Rodriguez certainly didn’t mind teaming up with other directors for Sin City.. and from what I see that is for the art of motion picture making.. This Curse movie is just Craven getting a paycheck and proving that Williamson is an unoriginal writer with no more ideas.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 1:04 p.m. CST

    Arclight

    by RamRodVegas

    Well, I’m on the other East Coast and live about 45 minutes south of our Nation’s Capital, so, unfortunately there really aren’t theaters like that near me. I have to settle for Regal Theaters.. which guarantee to stick it to ya when you walk in.. I would love to go to an Arclight theater.. and probably will one day.. by the way.. how many free tickets are they giving you for that post? Ha ha!

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 1:25 p.m. CST

    House of Wax dont look too bad now huh? And it’s RATED R.

    by Mr. Profit

    Cursed is fucked. I’m tired of teens who are now given too much power as an audience. Movies should be Rated R. And for the whole DVD crap where they release unrated versions…. If the movie is shitty in the theater, why would I buy an unrated version. Screw Wes. He’s a fucking hack now.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 1:35 p.m. CST

    Fuckin A Vern!

    by Manaqua

    The whole process has become so damn infuriating, its fucking ridiculous. The money men making artistic decisions. Its as if Picasso or Da Vinci couldn’t afford art supplies and needed financing and as they created their works they were surrounded by a comittee of artistically and creatively inept assholes trying to tell them how to draw and paint just because they bought the fuckin paintbrush. Fucking infuriating I tell you! Nice piece Vern. M.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 1:40 p.m. CST

    Dude…

    by buxley

    You need an editor.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 2:27 p.m. CST

    Holy Shit

    by The Thinker

    Vern, that was one of the best reviews/editorials I’ve ever read on this site. You have pinpointed exactly what the fuck is wrong with filmmaking-by-committee. This article needs to be forwarded to every airhead exec in Hollywood.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 2:28 p.m. CST

    pg13= ring, ring2, grudge, boogeyman, cursed, white noise

    by Spacesheik

    this is the new face of horror

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 3:16 p.m. CST

    Two years for this?

    by stewiegriffin

    I’m speechless. I sat around for two years waiting for this flick to come out and this is the best they could do? No plot, no scares and the fx were cheap as all hell. What a let down…I want my f*cking $10.50 back!!!

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 3:26 p.m. CST

    Whip it good!

    by Ninja Nerd

    Vern….excellent review. I love werewolf movies; from Lon Chaney, Jr. to Ginger Snaps. This one (Cursed)is a pass. As for the ADHD teen shitheads in the theatre yakking on the phones…I don’t put up with it. I have no problem “getting wolfy” and scaring them worse than any flick could. Of course, I’m 6’2″, 210, a somewhat deranged Viet Nam vet with Black Belts in Karate and BJJ with the James Earl Jones voice, so it’s admittedly pretty easy to get a pimple-faced geek to shit himself.

    LOL.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 3:31 p.m. CST

    White Noise the new face of horror?

    by LordOfTheThings

    Michael Keaton staring at a blank TV set for two hours qualifies as horror? Man, we’re friggin’ DOOMED.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 3:36 p.m. CST

    On the merets of Wes Craven

    by Halloween68

    Wes Craven has a one-handed toss off of good to decent movies. The original Elm Street and Serpant and the Rainbow come to mind as the only out and out winners. The Hills Have Eyes I liked the first time I saw it but now I have trouble sitting through. I think it’s because I’ve seen Weird Science like 300 times. In any event, Dream Warriors is entertaining…and…and… Well, no, that’s it. Oh, and Chillers was pretty good. That’s it though. Period. All the other Elm Streets are for the sake of Robert England’s career and have no redeeming value whatsoever. A New Nightmare was the cherry at the top of the big steamin’ pile of poo. What a waste that was. The rest of those titles you mentioned have about as much entertainment value as my grandmothers collection of antacid tablets. Wes Craven deserves nothing from us until he proves to be more than fluke. I’m still waiting. And PS… I thought Scream sucked the first time I saw it. And guess what? It still sucks. And it didn’t do anything for anything. Except maybe spawn Scary Movie and a bunch of half-assed Dawson Creek slasher films. Hey, I appreciate all the skin, but I’d like to see something worthwhile at least one of these times. The only thing that Scream has done for the horror genre is muddy up the toilet water.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 4:10 p.m. CST

    Dream Warriors was written by Craven, not directed. Craven is a

    by Mr. Profit

    ANOES Great. New Nightmare, Last House, and Scream were OK. But Hills is overrated and stupid. And his other movies were forgetable. And why would anyone even go see this crap. I hope that it makes no money.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 4:41 p.m. CST

    pg13, teens, babies and sucky movies

    by GrandoCarIissian

    those people who got all pissed off about janet jackson’s boobie are the same people responsible for all these pg-13 movies. the ratings used to be advisories, theaters never actually enforced them, but now because of a small vocal group of people who think that anything they find offensive should not be available to ANYONE, theaters start cracking down on the ratings and they have to make the movies pg-13 to get the same audiences they could get with an R movie 10 or 20 years ago. I saw the R-rated constantine this weekend and saw one group of teens get turned away after buying their tickets because they didn’t have an adult with them, then saw another group of teens who had snuck into the movie get kicked out during the opening credits. yes the movie studios share in the responsibility, but i’m sure they’d be happy to make more R-rated movies if they didn’t have so many uptight nazis demanding their heads every time they see a bit of blood or a bit of boobie on the screen. it’s ironic too, that these people are so worried about this stuff when it’s so easy to get it on the internet. the R-rated movies today don’t have nearly the gore or nudity they had 20 years ago, but i can go to rotten.com or any of the 1000 porn site addresses i get in my email every day and see shit that never would make it into one of those older R movies. so while the thought police are busy sanitizing movies and television and music and making life less enjoyable for the rest of us, their 13-year old sons are off in their bedrooms jacking off to horsesgivinghead.com and downloading al-qaeda beheadings from iraq. and then there’s the idiots at the other end of the spectrum who don’t seem to understand that R-rated movies aren’t a good place to bond with your 1-year old toddler for two hours. i’ve seen both constantine and saw in the theaters, and both times i had no problems with any loud teens in the audience, but i DID have to put up with a baby bawling his head off during the movie because some moronic couple was too cheap to hire a babysitter for a couple hours. i don’t know if moviegoers today are more or less rude than they used to be, but i notice it more. on the other hand, my personal experience is that elderly people are actually worse than teenagers. most of the films i’ve seen, the teens shut up once the movie started, but there’s always some old couple who have to discuss the movie the whole way through (and since they’re old, they have to discuss it LOUDLY), or some old guy is constantly explaining what’s going on to his senile 80 year old hag of a wife. used to be the movies were the place to go to get away from the distractions of life, but now people bring those distractions along with them to the theater. it sucks because i usually prefer seeing movies, at least certain ones, in the theater. i like the movie-going experience, but i just can’t take the rudeness of other people anymore. now i’ve got my 60″ widescreen tv and my surround sound system and i’ll be going to a lot less theaters and waiting to rent the “real” versions of these films on dvd instead. but i’m also impatient so as much as i’d prefer to wait for episode III or sin city or king kong to come out on dvd, i know i’ll end up back in the theater for them and probably straining to hear the movie over all the crying babies, ringing cell phones, and old people who won’t shut up.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 4:43 p.m. CST

    Sunday afternoon matinees are usually the best time for me

    by Blacklist

    I had a similarly terrible experience opening weekend for Texas Remake Massacre. Nevermind what drove me to watch garbage like that (Jessica Biel did), but Saturday night and the theater was crawling with the under 17 crowd. Amazing how all of them got in there. 20 minutes into the movie, the noise got so bad I went out to the front desk and got a ticket for Sunday afternoon, maybe 12:30ish. Much better experience. I think there’s something about watching movies like that at night that the kids like. A lot of other people my age were there too, so maybe they had it figured out already. But yeah, home theater is highly preferable to the multiplex. And with HD-DVD and Blu-ray coming out in the future, I’ll probably go there even less often.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 6:20 p.m. CST

    THANK YOU VERN!

    by ultragoregrind

    Vern- you nailed it here man. i have been getting so sick of the constant stream of pg13 “Horror” movies. it seems like a great way to scam the viewers (get the kiddies in for the pg13 cut in the theater, then try to get at the real horror fans with an unrated dvd). FUCK THAT. GIVE US REAL HORROR! HARD R 4 LIFE

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 6:35 p.m. CST

    Arclight

    by splbrg75

    The Arclight does indeed rule. I hardly go anywhere else now. And I HOPE they keep raising the price, that seems to keep the rabble of dickweeds away.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 6:58 p.m. CST

    Note to self

    by snow scorpion

    The next time you read one of Vern’s reviews, start at the end and work your way to the start.

    The actual – and very long-winded – review STARTS with the NINTH paragraph.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 8:36 p.m. CST

    FANTASTIC review, Vern

    by Immortal_Fish

    Loved it. This was standard Pyul quality, outdoing his Punisher review. Couple o’nits. AVP was PG-13 to attract the audience of the successful AVP video game franchise. R-ratings being inaccessible to the young is bull. How else could Toxie end up on Saturday morning TV? And as for boobies in a PG-13 flick, it’s possible. I give you Res Evil: Apoc.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 9:42 p.m. CST

    I agree with what’s said

    by Archduke_Chocula

    The cinema going smartass must go, or be told to shut the fuck up more, My tript o see Hellboy was plagued by it until the guy inf ront told them “Shut yer fucking mouths!” Which made me laugh a lot, but I saw Incredibles and the people behind me wouldn’t stop talking….when Mr. I is sent to Nomanisan Island to fight the Omnidroid they exclaimed “I’VE seen BETTER” WHO fucking CARES what you’ve seen!? Fucking bastards.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 9:54 p.m. CST

    “Turn that phone off or I’ll have them take it away from you.”

    by Immortal_Fish

    This is a line that Bill O’Reilley claims to have said more than once at a movie theater. Love him or hate him, this TB proves how many folks share his opinion. I still have room on one hand to count the number of times I’ve used this line myself, but can attest to the fact that it does indeed work. Onlookers usually get the point too. Cinematic solace can be attained if you bear the testicular fortitude.

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 10:38 p.m. CST

    miscellaneous

    by Vern

    Thanks for the comments everybody. We got a regular oprah book club going here. Sorry about the length, I get on a roll sometimes I guess. Plus Harry makes it seem longer with this new column format. Anyway to the guy who stood up for SHOCKER. I haven’t seen that thing in years so maybe it’s better than I remember. But it definitely is FORGETTABLE which I think is what I said, because I forgot it. Anyway maybe I’ll watch it again, thanks for the tip. Also, I kind of feel like I should apologize to Wes Craven. I was a little bit harsh to him at the beginning there. I still like the guy. I got hope for him. Everybody can turn themselves around, take me for example, or Darth Vader. But just because it was the studio that fucked it up most didn’t mean I was gonna let Craven off the hook. People gotta take responsibility for taking a job like that in the first place, they can’t just blame the boss. (Unless it really was a good movie at the start, who knows.) [For the record though Wes Craven has not been pointing fingers alot, he has been almost Jesus-like in turning the other cheek towards Miramax after this mess.]

  • Feb. 25, 2005, 11:33 p.m. CST

    Best-Review-Ever

    by Veraxus

    OMG, it’s like my brain was projected onto the computer screen! I mean, fuck, I don’t even have to make the PG13 ratings-rape thread this time. Vern, you fucking rule, why the hell aren’t you being paid to do professional reviews somewhere?

  • Feb. 26, 2005, 12:21 a.m. CST

    Vern is the Hunter S. Thompson of AICN

    by truthseekr1488

    Lightning-bolt shaped jalapeno cheese bread, indeed.

  • Feb. 26, 2005, 12:22 a.m. CST

    If you didn’t get that he put (spoiler) after the spoilers becau

    by HanFiredFirst

    …then you’re the kind of dipshit that will probably go to see this kind of shitty flick.

  • Feb. 26, 2005, 1:04 a.m. CST


    by Vern

    Sorry about the spoilers bud just a little mixup there. I think he understood that I just got a little confused there. As for the Hunter S. Thompson thing somebody said, thanks for the compliment but that’s a little over the top there. My apologies to the late doctor. Glad you enjoyed it though. This is weird for everybody to be complimenting me instead of trying to run me off the internet. What did I do different?

  • Feb. 26, 2005, 2:28 a.m. CST

    Great review

    by BlackBeltJones

    A review that was well written and informative. Still second place to any Neill Cumpston review, but great never the less. And it is sad that all of these movie studios are trying to release everything as PG-13. It is like the gaming industry trying to hit the Teen rating. Cutting out the blood from a WWII shooter, etc. Just sucks ass.

  • Feb. 26, 2005, 4:32 a.m. CST

    fangoria article

    by AshFett

    Does anyone know which issue of Fangoria has the full story about Cursed? Is it the current issue? I’d really like to read that. Besides Skeet Ulrich, wasn’t Scott Foley in this movie once upon a time too?

  • Feb. 26, 2005, 6:57 a.m. CST

    I am here at 3:am, just had the best pizza delivered and was ROC

    by MentallyMariah

    Seriously I had to go see Cursed tonight out of curiosity and mediocre would be giving it too much props…It wasn’t House of the Dead or Alone in the Dark bad, no those movies are so fucking bad that it makes bottom shelf $5.99 porn look good…but Cursed was entirely a diffrent speciman.. I must say that Kevin Williamson was much to horror is what Tiffany was to radio or Debbie Gibson, One hit Wonders…Nothing in this movie was cheeky, When it started I was expecting the opening kill, instead we get a fade away from the carnival…But I must admit I had a guilty pleasure of seeing Shannon Elizabeth stuck in her car seat hanging upside down, that was a bizzare moment, How embarressing for her. Also Why when in a movie when they show club or party event scenes, the music and atmosphere seem SOOO CHEESY! Like when Christina Ricci goes to that Endangered Animals Benefit what not, the first song Lets get this party jumping or something like that, God that was crindge inducing, Do people in Hollywood go to lame parties like that? Maybe in the early 80’s, but not 2005..also when they first showed Mya and Shannon Elizabeth in the first scene, I swore they were TRANNIES!!

    I walked out 15 mins before this movie ended, I could not take it anymore..This was one of the best reviews on Ain’t It cool News in a long time, vern you read it to filth honey and it’s about time those bitch ass studio heads wise up and pay attention…Who the fuck are they making movies for? You can hear my audience tonight just sit there like the life was being sucked out of them…sure they giggled and jumped in a few scenes, but towards the end, the horror museum scene, Everyone in the 366 max auditorium had only one thing on their minds…Man this movie SUCKS ASS!!!

  • Feb. 26, 2005, 8:29 a.m. CST

    I must agree with everybody about the the middle school crowd at

    by Barry Egan

    It’s as if their parents think the people at Loew’s or AMC are responsible for watching their kids on a Saturday night. There must not be any money in kidnapping any more. I live in the Kansas City area and one local theater has a nobody under 5 admitted rule. They also have a policy that kids under 16 must be with parents and must be seeing the same film. It’s about the only place I will go to watch movie now.

  • Feb. 26, 2005, 8:31 a.m. CST

    the Weinsteins and the cutting of films

    by Barry Egan

    I would recommend the book “Down and Dirty Pictures” to anybody who hasn’t yet read it. It’s about the Weisteins and how Miramax and Dimension cut away at films for maximum profit. oh, and apparently the Weinsteins are assholes.

  • Feb. 26, 2005, 12:23 p.m. CST

    Vern tells it like it is

    by Son Of Batboy

    Spot on review. Sums up everything I hate about movies today. Ear rape indeed. Like I need to hear all that crap. They ought to have prison inmates with bats in every theater beat the little shits every time they open their traps. Then when their mom comes to pick them up after spending the day at Walmart, beat her too.

  • Feb. 26, 2005, 2:57 p.m. CST

    Interesting how this TB has turned into a welcome rant about the

    by Prof. Pop-Cult

    Personally, I don’t even bother seeing most films first-run in the theater. I’m a young man so I figure all these movies will be available on DVD (or another future format) for me to watch for the rest of my life. If there’s a movie that I MUST absolutely see (i.e. Episode III), I wait about a month after its premiere and then I watch it during the matinee on a weekday, early in the week (like a Monday or Tuesday). I avoid most PG-13 movies too. Also, I find that the audience in an arthouse theater, where the indie and artsy flicks are played, tend to be better behaved. Considering that the price to rent a DVD is less than going to the theater, I’d rather spend my money on something else than at the theater — dinner at a local restaurant, buy a book at the used bookstore, admission to a local club, etc.

  • Feb. 26, 2005, 4:28 p.m. CST

    PG-13 bullshit persists: “Be Cool”, a PG-13 Elmore Leonard adap

    by Barry Egan

    A PG-13 Dutch Leonard adaptation sounds like a recipe for disaster, like The Big Bounce.

  • Feb. 26, 2005, 9:37 p.m. CST

    love the review, hate the ‘faggot’ comment

    by Kilroy

    Aint it cool news is gleefully unPC and that’s great but …. calling the gay guy in ‘Cursed’ a faggot (as if there’s no other way to make the point) is messed up. Swaggery, off the cuff and biting can be fun to read and Vern is fun to read – just not when he’s using small minded slurs. No wonder crowds still cringe at the thought of a gay character in a movie, language like ‘faggot’ surely keeps the hate a comin.

  • Feb. 26, 2005, 10:07 p.m. CST

    This must be a good review…

    by tango fett

    Only one person shouted “PLANT.” I feel lucky that the security at the local theater in Austin, MN is really careless, so my and my friends snuck into Constantine (which is a damn good movie. I thought it was better than Hellboy. Take it, bitches). We were afraid we were gonna get kicked out when a worker came up to us, but he just told me to put my feet down. While this doesn’t have much relevence with the topic at hand, I’m all in favor of people talking during a movie but ONLY if the movie sucks (like the Grudge. We had a blast pulling a MST3K on it). Oh, and a great review Vern. Keep ’em coming.

  • Feb. 27, 2005, 12:32 a.m. CST

    Kilroy

    by Vern

    I think you missed the spirit of my comment there friend. I don’t call people fag or faggot. This may sound anti

  • Feb. 27, 2005, 3:13 a.m. CST

    Wes Craven has lost it.

    by ZeroCorpse

    He’s sucked ever since Scream. It’s a shame because he used to be great, but now he’s just wasting my fucking time. I totally agree- A PG-13 horror film is NOT a horror film. I’d kill for another Sam Raimi horror flick! Well… At least we got SAW this year.

  • Feb. 27, 2005, 3:43 a.m. CST

    I’m not sure which is the worst…

    by nsomnia

    …the movie I saw today, definitely the worst movie of the past decade in any possible way, or this review that would make it almost enjoyable. Harry please don’t headline with reviewers who will kill the attention spam after three lines, probably not over 15 years of age and without a clue.

  • Feb. 27, 2005, 4:23 a.m. CST

    thank you nsomnia

    by Vern

    I was starting to think I lost my touch

  • Feb. 27, 2005, 3:04 p.m. CST

    “…shitting out the husks of material that dreams of better day

    by Ribbons

    I’m not usually one for taking jabs at Harry’s writing, but am I the only one who that made no sense to at all?

  • Feb. 28, 2005, 10:48 a.m. CST

    I remember the golden days of cinema

    by cookylamoo

    when movie theatres actually had an ushering staff and didn’t just get by with a ticket seller, a popcorn vendor and a janitor. You know, the days when you could actually go to the staff and have someone thrown out. I guess today the ushers (if they exist) are either afraid of getting shot or else, being the same age, they’re on the side of the talking kids. What amazes me most is how the talkers always skip the commercials, arrive just before the movie begins and then sit directly behind you.

  • Feb. 28, 2005, 4:42 p.m. CST

    Vern’s response

    by Kilroy

    Hey Vern, I apologize for jumping the gun, I was misconstruing your meaning. Without quotes around the word, I took it to be your language, not a reference to the audience’s point of view. Reading it over, I see your meaning perfectly.

    By the way, I like what you had to say in your response to my post, pretty damned classy if you ask me.

  • March 1, 2005, 12:09 p.m. CST

    D.A.C. (DEFENDERS OF ACTION CINEMA) SUPERB REVIEW, VERN!!! THE

    by DEFENDERS

    Thanks Vern!! A more relevant review could not have been written.

    D.A.C (Defenders of Action Cinema)

    Tron-One

  • March 1, 2005, 4:29 p.m. CST

    One Huge, Glaring Mistake

    by jmn485

    Okay, so it’s Wes Craven and Kevin Williamson and post-modern and inside Hollywood and all that shit and they pick Scott Baio to play himself and in one early draft of the screenplay had him as a werewolf. Okay. But why Scott Baio? Because, and I can’t believe I’m the first one to point this out, there IS an actor who, as a TEENager, played a wereWOLF who TWO years ago was doing fucking jack with his career. But then he started doing a show with Portia DiRossi (who at one point was actually in this soon to be detonated bomb) and received critical acclaim and an Emmy and is now working steadily in TV and film again and, let me point out again, whose playing of a werewolf in this crock would have been at least ACTUALLY post-modern if not actually clever.

    Here’s what I envision:

    Obnoxious Talk Show Host: “So why no ‘Teen Wolf Three’?”

    Jason Bateman: “I was too good! My performance was too real, too powerful. The line between horror and comedy is thin and I went too far one way with my realism. I scared small children and teenagers.”

    But there’s self-referencial jabs at the PG-13 rating, the delicate balance between horror and comedy, and Jason Bateman’s then washed up career, all wrapped in shitty dialogue. I just woke up 20 minutes ago and already I’m off and running faster than Kevin Williamson. I’m going back to bed before I find out Mel Gibson’s playing a DEA agent who goes undercover in a biker gang. What? FUCK!

  • March 7, 2005, 1:03 a.m. CST

    Learn how to spell, dude

    by AZJim

    No, Vern, I’m just kidding. Hope I didn’t get your hopes up. Another great review, simply awesome. That bit about if the Hollywood studio execs tried to make a sandwich is just about the most brilliant film writing I’ve read in months.

    These people who complain about the length of the review give me one more reason to fear for the future of this planet. I mean, if you can’t sit and read great big easy (and entertaining) words on a computer screen for ten minutes, what hope is there of you being able to sit through a ninety minute movie without talking on your cell…Oh, wait. Now I know who you people are.

  • Oct. 23, 2007, 5:48 a.m. CST

    by aint_it_cruel?

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.
This entry was posted on Friday, February 25th, 2005 at 4:02 am and is filed under AICN, Comedy/Laffs, Horror, Reviews, Thriller. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

11 Responses to “Vern braves and endures Wes Craven’s CURSED!”

  1. In order to work 50 weeks a year, you’re going to have to work 30 weeks; in order to work 30 weeks,
    you’ll likely have to work 10. If I knew how
    to bake cookies, I would do that and send over a care package but Im much better at telling
    jokes so I go there and entertain, shake hands and thank the men and
    women who serve our country. He represented his homeland in four Olympics and is a three-time indoor world
    champ in the 1500 meters.

  2. “Jesse Eisenberg (some kid)” !

  3. This was before ZOMBIELAND and THE SOCIAL NETWORK. I can’t say I would ever have guessed that he’d star in those two movies after this one. It’s good to see the guy upping his game.

  4. Also I believe it’s customary for Vern to credit actors with the more obscure and / or Seagal-related stuff they’ve done (hence “MICHAEL CAINE – ON DEADLY GROUND”) but I don’t think Jesse Eisenberg was ever actually thrown through a sheet of glass by Seagal (yet).

  5. I saw him at the airport once. It was in between ADVENTURELAND and ZOMBIELAND. I was really early to pick up my mom and was just sitting around in baggage claim reading a book. I was the only one there. After a bit a guy and girl came along. She went away somewhere and he sat down a little ways down the aisle of seats from me. I looked over, recognized him, did a double take (which he saw) and then went back to reading my book. Eventually the area got super crowded, his friend came back, they did whatever (got luggage, met someone, whatever it was) and then left. No one else said anything to him or seemed to be watching him. I wonder if he can still hang out at an airport in cognito.

  6. I think World Eater is just pointing out that it’s funny that I sort of called Eisenberg a nobody in this review and not too long later he’s an Oscar nominated Superman-fighter. I like to think he was hurt by the disregard in the review and it forced him to work harder.

  7. Speaking of Eisenberg, anybody see AMERICAN ULTRA? Seems like it came and went without anyone even noticing, but I liked it. Good violence, some laughs, really good chemistry in the surprisingly plausible central romance. Plus Walton Goggins gets to play a giggling psycho with a few unexpected twists. Max Landis might be a textbook douche but so far I’ve more or less enjoyed everything he’s gotten produced. He’ll probably never top DEER WOMAN, but that’s hardly something to be ashamed of. If he could just shut up and write and leave the raconteuring to his pop, I might be able to call myself a modest fan without a list of caveats longer than the list of side effects at the end of an allergy meds commercial.

  8. Didn’t really like AMERICAN ULTRA. I felt it had way too many undercooked subplots with no payoffs and since the irreverence isn’t charming or frequent enough it all felt kinda flat in the end. I did like Eisenberg in it though and he does have good chemistry with what’s her face. As we saw in ADVENTURELAND of course. Maybe she should play Lena Luthor?

    Problem with Landis’ writing is that he tries to go too complex and never follows through. He needs to learn to scale back more and stop trying to seem too random for no reason. Quirkiness isn’t quirky if it’s being forced.

    In writing you either go all in or just don’t even bother putting the tip in. I do agree with his views about the Marvel movies though. I think as someone from my generation he’s familiar with a more diverse and colorful Marvel universe than even modern readers may not know if.

  9. Hey Vern, did you ever review the WISHMASTER series? I know you’ve referenced them a bunch of times, but I can’t find them in the archives. I’d say “I wish you’d review them”, but I’m afraid the Djinn might appear and kill me in a way barely related to what I wanted, like shoving a computer monitor into my eye socket or something. He’s a real jerk about interpreting wishes, that guy.

  10. I only saw the first one. On the big screen, too. They’re probly more enjoyable now, and there’s a box set coming out. Good idea.

  11. Prior warning: The first two are silly but very enjoyable. The last two are bland, cheap, shot-back-to-back-in-Canada DTV and are very difficult to sit through.

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