Posts Tagged ‘DTV’
Friday, January 5th, 2007
Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.
Only Vern could write this review.
This is why we love him.
All throughout human history, Man and Woman have faced dangers and struggles which they could not hope to overcome. Even in the modern world, we often find ourselves feeling helpless and inadequate in the face of forces beyond our understanding. There are things we simply cannot control, things we must grimly accept as realities of contemporary living. Hurricanes. Tsunamis. Diseases. Wars. Remakes. Sequels. DTV sequels to remakes. Some of them starring Kevin Sorbo from TV’s HERCULES THE LEGENDARY JOURNEYS. In this case we are facing WALKING TALL: THE PAYBACK, which fits into the last 3 or 4 categories.
But I am here to bring a message of hope. I have seen the WALKING TALL remake sequel. And I believe we will survive, probaly. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, DTV sequels
Posted in Action, AICN, Reviews | 2 Comments »
Thursday, December 14th, 2006
ATTACK FORCE is Steven Seagal’s latest, where he takes on a bunch of sexy people given super powers by an experimental military drug. But until recently it was listed on IMDb as HARVESTER, where he takes on a bunch of aliens. After I savaged the last one, SHADOW MAN, I got a nice email from Seagal’s co-writer Joe Halpin, who I found very humble and down to earth. Having his ear for a minute I didn’t want to be rude and bury him in an avalanche of questions, but I couldn’t resist asking if this HARVESTER movie would really end up being about aliens, or if they would chicken out like they did with the “biological mutants” that ended up not being in SUBMERGED.
His answer: “Who knows.” He explained that they had shot it both ways. It could be about aliens, it could be about European mobsters, the studio and Seagal would have to come to an agreement in post-production. This of course brings up alot more questions (the main one being “Shouldn’t you decide on the premise before shooting the movie?”) but it also gives a huge amount of insight into how Seagal’s DTV movies end up the way they do. I mean, if they don’t even know who he’s fighting until after they’re done, no wonder they end up with these weird overdubbed lines, randomly dropped story threads, etc. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, Seagalogy
Posted in Action, Horror, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit, Seagal, Thriller | 12 Comments »
Wednesday, December 6th, 2006
get it, gingerDEAD instead of gingerBREAD
For hundreds of years, gingerbread has been a delicious and vibrant European treat. It was used to make soft cakes that would be drenched in hot lemon sauce and whipped cream, or for ornate candy-covered houses like the “witch’s house” from the fairy tale Hansel and Gretel, or to form the shape of a small man, a reflection of its creator. As man is to God, gingerbread man is to man. And therefore also to God.
No one knows the origin of gingerbread, because how do you pin down something like that? I’m sure they could figure out who invented the McRib Sandwich, but not gingerbread. Some believe it came from the Eastern Mediterranean, and spread across Europe as soldiers came home from the Crusades. At least something good would’ve come out of the Crusades then. Wherever it came from, its ginger packs a powerful punch, so much so that throughout the 17th century you needed a license to bake gingerbread except at Christmas and Easter. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Charles Band, DTV, Gary Busey, Robin Sydney
Posted in Comedy/Laffs, Horror, Reviews | 9 Comments »
Thursday, September 21st, 2006
The original TOOLBOX MURDERS was made because of TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE. You can’t really say it’s a ripoff, because the movies don’t have much in common. But on the DVD, the producer explains that he read in Variety or somewhere about the amount of money TEXAS CHAIN SAW had made so he rented a print of it and hired a screenwriter to watch the movie and make something like that.
So it’s weird that 24 years later poor Tobe Hooper, director of TEXAS CHAIN SAW, wound up doing a remake of TOOLBOX MURDERS. But just like before, his movie doesn’t have much connection with the movie that inspired it. There’s a guy in a ski mask killing people with tools in an apartment building, but everything else is different. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Angela Bettis, DTV, Juliet Landau, Rance Howard, remakes, Tobe Hooper
Posted in Horror, Mystery, Reviews | 4 Comments »
Sunday, August 13th, 2006
Hey folks, Harry here – with the latest from Vern. This time, Vern tackles the ever evolving career of one, Wesley Snipes. I miss Wesley Snipes. He was never just the muscle action guy and I kinda hate that THAT is what he’s becoming in these cheap straight to DVD flicks. Snipes is a dramatic actor of an immense amount of range. He just needs to calm down and begin straightening out a lot of the bad press he’s had – and just do the work. Put himself in some independent films – showing his range and humility and getting back to where filmmaker’s won’t be taking a “chance” directing him, but taking the OPPORTUNITY to use him. He’s incredibly talented, I just want to see that back on screen again. Here’s Vern to tell us if we see any of that talent in HARD LUCK…
HARD LUCK
Well boys, time for another chapter in the ongoing drama THE MYSTERY OF WESLEY SNIPES, where we explore why a talented individual who starred in the three hit BLADE movies keeps doing nothing but straight to video. This new one, HARD LUCK, comes to video in October. While it’s not a particularly good movie, and it definitely shouldn’t be released theatrically, it’s at least a step up from the generic and sometimes horrible DTV action movies he’s been doing lately. It’s kind of a quirky crime movie with some occasional funny touches and an unorthodox (but not revolutionary) structure. The big news is that it reunites him with NEW JACK CITY’s Mario Van Peebles, who is director, co-writer and co-star of HARD LUCK. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, Mario Van Peebles, vampires, Wesley Snipes
Posted in AICN, Comic strips/Super heroes, Crime, Drama, Martial Arts, Reviews | 1 Comment »
Saturday, June 24th, 2006
SPOILER ALERT !!
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with Vern, who is in top form with his review of I’LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, the direct-to-video sequel of that b-level franchise. Once again, my words are meaningless when one as great as Vern is waiting for your attention, so I will give the man his stage. Enjoy!
Howdy fellas –
I’ll always know what you did last summer. You wore short sleeves and complained about Star Wars 3 alot. Also, that’s the name of the new DTV sequel to I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. It’s from the director of TROIS 3: THE ESCORT and the writer of OCTOPUS 1&2 and stars a bunch of young TV actors I never heard of.
When last we left our heroes (you know, the kids who ran over a guy and then lied about it), they were in the Bahamas fighting against a vengeful fisherman with a hook. There was no need for a surprise twist of who the killer was, it was still the guy with a hook. I believe Jeffrey Combs was involved, the R&B singer Brandy (who your parents used to listen to) survived due to contract negotiations, and an uncredited Jack Black grunted “it’s all good” as he was gored to death. I’m sure other things happened but that’s what I remember. Then Jennifer Love Hewitt had to leave to prepare for the GARFIELD movies. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, DTV sequels, slashers
Posted in AICN, Horror, Mystery, Reviews | 4 Comments »
Monday, June 19th, 2006
SHADOW MAN, I’m sorry to say, is the most boring movie Seagal has made so far. At least on my first viewing. To be fair, both THE FOREIGNER and THE PATRIOT seemed alot more fun the second time I watched them. In some ways maybe Seagal movies are like operas, you gotta understand the plot first before you can appreciate all the pageantry. But still, this is not one of my favorites.
(No, I’ve never seen an opera before, I’m just guessin.) (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, Seagalogy
Posted in Action, Reviews, Seagal, War | 5 Comments »
Saturday, May 27th, 2006
Hey folks, Harry here with Vern’s latest review of something odd and amazing… namely ROAD HOUSE 2. Now I want to clarify something for Vern and lots of you. I honestly feel that if you are not of comic lover, there’s a very good chance you’ll like X3. And just because you haven’t read as much, or if you can divorce what you’ve read from what the film was… or however you approached X3… you’re absolutely right and valid in your opinion. There are no wrong opinions… unless you’re a Republican. Giggle. Anyway – here’s ROADHOUSE 2 and VERN – enjoy…
My dear readers,
Well hopefully you guys missed it but I guess I kind of blew it with my last review here. I did X-MEN PART 3 which I remember enjoying but it turns out I was incorrect. There was some sort of error involving a magic crystal and fire birds or something like that, it’s kind of over my head but the point is I didn’t know enough about comic book graphic novel funnies to really grasp the true meaning of that movie. They’re telling me I was mistaken. Sorry nerds.
Okay, so I don’t know the Darth Phoenix Saga from the Phoenix Suns. So sue me. But don’t be such a Magneto. The Ain’t It Cool News is big enough for comic book fundamentalists and infidels alike. We can live in peace and we can share our passion for the films of cinema and/or DVD. All I can do to make things right is return to an area I have more expertise in than children’s comic strip books: the area of straight to video sequels to ROAD HOUSE. I dare any one of you fuckers to question my credibility on this topic. You can’t. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, DTV sequels
Posted in Action, AICN, Reviews | 4 Comments »
Monday, April 17th, 2006
SPOILER ALERT !!
Merrick actually looked up how to spell “shittiness”…
Vern just sent in this review of Steven Seagal’s new MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE.
Wow…what a sad title. Ever notice how the shittiness of titles seems commensurate with a project’s budgetary considerations, release plans, etc.? Someone should develop a “Historical Scale of Titular Shittiness” to see if this theory holds.
Seagal once broke Sean Connery’s wrist while training him for NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN. Let’s see if he now breaks Vern’s heart…
Hello, my name is Vern and I am currently rated one of North America’s top three or four practicing Seagalogists, as well as one of the top two Verns on google. I am the man to come to for the inside dope on every new Seagal picture. However for the last one, BLACK DAWN, the guy who gets me the early screeners fell through and I had to rent it after it hit the shelves just like anybody else. No big deal, I can take my lumps, but there’s a few guys out there – I remember Fat Paul was one of them, and a few others – they’re asking me if I can hook them up with the early review. And as someone who strives for excellence, I got no choice but to come through.
I missed my screener for MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE too but I managed to score the actual DVD just 48 hours before they hit the streets, and I’m here to share my preliminary findings. It’s an Easter miracle. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, Seagalogy, Steven Seagal
Posted in Action, AICN, Drama, Reviews, Seagal, Thriller | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
SPOILER ALERT !!
Hey folks, Harry here… I feel it’s my duty to bring this Vern review – as I was amongst the first to herald the genius of Paul Verhoeven’s HOLLOW MAN… sadly the version I saw well in advance of the release of that film is not the film that everyone else saw. I still like the one that was released, but no where near the longer edit which I feel was far far better. Well here’s Vern with a look at the much needed sequel! Here ya go…
Boys–
Like most DTV sequels, the title HOLLOW MAN II immediately brings up a question: who the fuck are they making HOLLOW MAN II for?
Well in this particular case, I am gonna have to step forward. I am the guilty party. They are clearly making this movie for me, and I can prove it. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Christian Slater, DTV, DTV sequels
Posted in Action, AICN, Horror, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit, Thriller | 4 Comments »
