"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Road to Perdition

ROAD TO PERDITION is that gangster movie that came out to pretty good reviews a couple years ago that we all forgot about already, but I never saw it until now so I’m late to the party I guess. Please disregard.

This movie is modeled after old fashioned gangsters movies. But it’s based on a comic book by Max Allan Collins. The comic book itself is modeled after LONE WOLF AND CUB, either the Japanese comic books or the great movies based on the comic books, I’m not sure which. Also I’m guessing it’s a little bit based on some real life historical type business since it’s got Al Capone and whatsisdick Nitti in there and I think somebody said Elliot Ness is in the comic book, and maybe some other historical figures like Thomas Jefferson or Voltaire or one of those guys. As you know I don’t read comic strips, but I have read a good book by Collins called TWO FOR THE MONEY. Actually it’s two books reprinted as one by Hardcase Crime, taken from the Nolan series, which is modeled after Richard Stark’s Parker series. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 4th, 2006 | 3 Comments »

Vern Finds Al Gore’s INCONVENIENT TRUTH!!

Merrick wishes more people would at least think about stuff like this…

Vern got a look at AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH – Al Gore’s cinematic admonition regarding the various ecological “crises” facing our world today.

Regardless of politics, anyone who uses FUTURAMA as a learning aid (as Gore does here) is aiight in my book!

Here’s Vern…

This summer there will be many exciting movies you can watch. There will be guns, cars, pirates, snakes, probably Superman or somebody, maybe Spiderman will show up, maybe a time machine or space ape of some kind. These are all thrilling scenarios, but I got another one for you. What about a movie about A GOD DAMN GLOBAL CATASTROPHE? Cities under water. Whole lakes drying up. Glaciers disappearing. Hurricanes and tornadoes, bugs and diseases, miscellaneous terror. Pretty much everything horrible except giant snakes and killer bees. Innocent polar bears drowning right and left. A fuckin’ nightmare. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 3rd, 2006 | 6 Comments »

Vern’s Been To SILENT HILL!!

SPOILER ALERT !!

Hi, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab…

And so has Quint and, to my great pleasure, so have I. I’m not sure when Quint’s going to write about it, or even if he is, but I’ve got some things to say, and I’ll do my best to get them on paper before I head to bed. For now, though, here’s the one and only Vern, and he and I are really in tune today, since he seems to have reacted much the same way I did:

I’m not gonna lie. If you’re reading this, you probaly shouldn’t see this movie. I’m betting 95% of you who do are gonna hate it. At the screening I saw it at, people were laughing and loudly criticizing (and for some reason one crazy dude was naming the makes and years of the cars parked on the streets). The people I saw it with, who were more polite, said it was a huge pile of shit.

And in some ways they got a point. The dialogue in this movie is terrible. (Apparently that wasn’t Roger Avary’s job on PULP FICTION). It’s best when it’s just about running around facing creepy obstacles. The more it gets into plot and conversations, the more it loses its momentum. It’s pretty muddled and confusing and has an awkward explanatory narration near the end and like most of the movies by this director, the frenchman Christophe Gans, it’s probaly too long. (By the way, I looked it up and Christophe Gans is NOT Chris Gaines, that famous singer who looked exactly like Garth Brooks but with a soul patch. I know, I thought so too but let’s clear up that misconception right here.) (read the rest of this shit…)

April 21st, 2006 | 11 Comments »

Vern’s Seen ABOMINABLE! And So Has Everyone Else Online, It Seems!!

SPOILER ALERT !!

Hi, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab…

I had a chance to see the film myself this week, and I thought it was low-key fun. I think it makes a lot of first-time-filmmaker mistakes (Ryan Schifrin never met a close-up he didn’t like, for example), but every time the film strikes a false note, it also manages to do something very right. In the end, I don’t want to act like a Grinch when we’re talking about a Bigfoot movie, and I’m willing to bet this is a great movie to see with a group of friends. I saw it alone, and this one almost demands group participation. But enough about my reaction… here’s the one and only Vern, who will be back a little later this morning with another review, as well:

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet,

The other day Harry recommended this tiny little bigfoot movie called ABOMINABLE, directed by the son of legendary film composer Lalo Schifrin. Alot of people probaly thought Harry was full of shit since they’ve never heard of this movie and it’s not playing anywhere except one screen of one theater in Seattle and, according to legend, at Harry’s house. I mean if such a movie really exists, how the hell has it gone on so long without once being spotted by a credible witness? Why is it always some crazy redhead in a Tigger costume from Texas? (read the rest of this shit…)

April 21st, 2006 | 1 Comment »

Vern Ponders Seagal’s MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE Linguistics!!

SPOILER ALERT !!

Merrick actually looked up how to spell “shittiness”…

Vern just sent in this review of Steven Seagal’s new MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE.

Wow…what a sad title. Ever notice how the shittiness of titles seems commensurate with a project’s budgetary considerations, release plans, etc.? Someone should develop a “Historical Scale of Titular Shittiness” to see if this theory holds.

Seagal once broke Sean Connery’s wrist while training him for NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN. Let’s see if he now breaks Vern’s heart…

Hello, my name is Vern and I am currently rated one of North America’s top three or four practicing Seagalogists, as well as one of the top two Verns on google. I am the man to come to for the inside dope on every new Seagal picture. However for the last one, BLACK DAWN, the guy who gets me the early screeners fell through and I had to rent it after it hit the shelves just like anybody else. No big deal, I can take my lumps, but there’s a few guys out there – I remember Fat Paul was one of them, and a few others – they’re asking me if I can hook them up with the early review. And as someone who strives for excellence, I got no choice but to come through.

I missed my screener for MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE too but I managed to score the actual DVD just 48 hours before they hit the streets, and I’m here to share my preliminary findings. It’s an Easter miracle. (read the rest of this shit…)

April 17th, 2006 | 1 Comment »

Groundhog Day

Last week I reviewed this movie THE ICE HARVEST which I thought was only okay. And I think I blamed director Harold Ramis, who I accused of mediocrity. Then the other day, through coincidence or karma or something, I ended up watching GROUNDHOG DAY, which is the Bill Murray movie Ramis directed back in 1993.

I’d seen this movie before but I actually forgot how good it was, so I gotta give Mr. Ramis credit. I give credit where credit is due, and credit is due right here. Harold, here is your credit. Take it.

I’m sure you’ve seen this one before but if not here’s the deal. Bill Murray is a bitter, cynical weather man who has to go to Punxatawney to cover the Groundhog Day ceremony where they pull the groundhog out of a tree stump and pretend to ask him if he saw his shadow or not. Bill clearly hates this shit so he gets it over with and tries to get the hell out, but a blizzard (which he had predicted would not happen) strands him at a bed and breakfast. (read the rest of this shit…)

April 15th, 2006 | 16 Comments »

Brick

BRICK sounds like a good name for a blaxploitation movie about a dude named Brick, but that’s not what it is. It’s actually a detective movie starring all teenagers. There are only two grown ups in the whole movie, and one of them, incidentally, is Shaft.

At first I thought it was like RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK: THE ADAPTATION where a bunch of kids made the movie but they didn’t know very many grownups who would hang out in the backyward with them so they just got their friends from class to play adults. But then I realized no, it’s just a gimmick. It’s kind of like those movies like BUGSY MALONE and HAWK JONES where it’s kids playing adult type characters. Or like that episode of M.A.S.H. where a magic genie turns them all into kids but they have little kid-sized army uniforms and they build a tree house and do combat surgery in there. Or what about Veggie Tales, it’s like that only instead of vegetables as the Bible it’s teens as hard boiled noir type characters. (read the rest of this shit…)

April 14th, 2006 | 4 Comments »

Vern dons goggles to see HOLLOW MAN 2… yes, HOLLOW MAN 2!!!

SPOILER ALERT !!

Hey folks, Harry here… I feel it’s my duty to bring this Vern review – as I was amongst the first to herald the genius of Paul Verhoeven’s HOLLOW MAN… sadly the version I saw well in advance of the release of that film is not the film that everyone else saw. I still like the one that was released, but no where near the longer edit which I feel was far far better. Well here’s Vern with a look at the much needed sequel! Here ya go…

Boys–

Like most DTV sequels, the title HOLLOW MAN II immediately brings up a question: who the fuck are they making HOLLOW MAN II for?

Well in this particular case, I am gonna have to step forward. I am the guilty party. They are clearly making this movie for me, and I can prove it. (read the rest of this shit…)

April 12th, 2006 | 4 Comments »

The Godfather

That’s right, the god damn GODFATHER. I mean, what is there even left to say about THE GODFATHER? Well, I’ll tell you.

Bear with me though, I’m about to mention Steven Seagal again. Yesterday I was reading Seagal’s entry on wikipedia when I came across a section talking about the field of Seagalogy, mentioning me as the inventor and linking to a separate entry just about me. I couldn’t believe it. After all I’ve been through – getting rejected from the Online Film Critics Society, being hated by the newsies on Ain’t It Cool for years, failing to stop the Iraq war and even, as you can see above, watching GARFIELD – after all that struggle, here I am, acknowledged in reference material, and described as a “noted internet film critic.”

Can you believe that? Noted. (read the rest of this shit…)

April 8th, 2006 | 5 Comments »

The Ice Harvest

I was excited about this at one point, but I missed it when it was in theaters. I thought it was a diamond heist movie starring Billy Bob Thornton, but it turns out Billy Bob is the co-star and there are no diamonds. The ice in the title is literal, because it’s winter. Christmas Eve, to be exact. There’s not snow though, just frozen rain, which is not something you see in Christmas movies very often, and rings true to me since here we’re lucky to even see that. (I don’t know about Kansas.)

It’s not exactly a heist movie because like RESERVOIR DOGS or something you never see the theft itself. John Cusack (the rich man’s Scott Baio) is a Kansas mob lawyer and Billy Bob Thornton (ON DEADLY GROUND) is his partner in skimming. They have just stolen upwards of $2 million from their boss, but can’t leave town yet due to the ice. The movie is about them trying to hang out and play it cool for a few hours before they can leave. They figure the boss won’t know about the missing money until they’re gone, but this seems to be incorrect since Cusack keeps seeing an enforcer played by Mike Starr (ON DEADLY GROUND) going around town looking for them. (read the rest of this shit…)

April 5th, 2006 | 4 Comments »

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »
  • Hey bud, thanks for reading.

    Don't feel obligated, but here are some

  • WAYS YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SHIT OUT OF VERN & OUTLAWVERN.COM

    if that's your thing:

  • 1. Patreon

    Toss me a couple bucks a month, support the good shit, also get access to a bunch of exclusive writing. This is my primary source of writing money that has allowed me to cut down to part time at the day job. Thank you!

  • 2. Buy my books from your local bookseller or somebody

    click here for my Amazon author page

    (NOTE: My ten year contract has passed on the Titan books, so I don't get residuals on them like I do WORM ON A HOOK and NIKETOWN, but I would love for you to read them because I'm proud of them)

    EXTRA CREDIT: Review them on Amazon! That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.

  • 3. If you ever buy from Amazon, go through my links or search engines



    (you pay the same amount you were gonna pay anyway they cut me a little slice)

  • I also have an Amazon UK one:

    (I can't get the search box widget to work anymore, so click on MOONWALKER and then search for what you want.)

  • 4. My exciting line of fashion and leisure products

    (I get a couple bucks per item, you get a cool t-shirt, mug or lifestyle item)

  • 5. Spread the word

    Tell your friends about my reviews and my books and everything. Only cool people though please, we don't need a bunch of suckers and/or chumps around here.

    THANKS EVERYBODY. YOUR FRIEND, VERN

    * * * *

  • Recent commentary and jibber-jabber

    • Chiller van rental on Frozen: “Thank you for all of your help. Your carrier became superb and really FAST. Many thank you for you type…” Apr 8, 06:33
    • daniel on A Working Man: “The constant scenes of surveillance and interrogation slash torture (other than co-creating the character of Bane, Chuck Dixon is also…” Apr 8, 00:13
    • pegsman on A Working Man: “I’m glad there is at least one semi-big star out there who chooses to take a leaf out of Charles…” Apr 7, 22:24
    • Mr. Majestyk on A Working Man: “I mean, that’s just the classic western format: Rich land baron abuses the townsfolk, using his money and influence to…” Apr 7, 20:51
    • Schmoe Gunn on A Working Man: “I saw WORKING MAN and BEEKEEPER on the same day, and what struck me is that both are built around…” Apr 7, 16:43
    • ejsteeler on A Working Man: “Vern, I always respect your reviews and your position of looking at things from a half-glass-full perspective, but this one…” Apr 7, 13:06
    • PetrosMT on A Working Man: “Extremely middling Statham Vehicle if not a straight up disappointing since it’s his next movie after the great Beekeeper with…” Apr 7, 12:55
    • Birch on Alpha (2025): “I was much, much more negative on this, although the day I saw it I was in a very bad…” Apr 7, 12:46
    • Zed on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “@Alex/CJ Yeah, exactly. As a kid I knew him from Roger Rabbit and the Mario Bros movie and thought of…” Apr 7, 12:25
    • Alex R on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “Not to provide half the comments on this thing and then apologize for doing so a half-dozen times, but sincere…” Apr 7, 11:32
    • Borg9 on A Working Man: “Always nice to see Statham reunited with Jason Flemyng, especially when Flemyng gets to revisit the Russian accent he used…” Apr 7, 11:25
    • CJ Holden on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “Bob Hoskins was the king of actors who could alternate between playing the scariest motherfuckers and lovable father figures.” Apr 7, 10:26
    • Alex R on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “@Zed– I loved him in Roger Rabbit and Hook when I was a kid and then as I grew up…” Apr 7, 07:52
    • Zed on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “Any forum gets less fun when terfs start waving their colors and whining about people being rude to them. If…” Apr 7, 07:23
    • Borg9 on Project Hail Mary: “Oh man, Pegsman! Don’t get me started on the tax implications of fast tracking a programme to send Ryan Gosling…” Apr 7, 06:55

  • Recent Commented on Posts

  • Most Comments