"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

The Gladiator

tn_thegladiatorTHE GLADIATOR is another movie I found on VHS by accident while browsing the video store. It’s a car vigilante TV movie, so I was surprised to find it with the Abel Ferrara movies. Yes, the director of KING OF NEW YORK and BAD LIEUTENANT also did a TV movie starring Ken Wahl and guest starring cheeseball ’80s top 40 DJ Rick Dees as his obnoxious boss. From about ’85 until ’88 Ferrara mostly worked in TV, doing some episodes of MIAMI VICE and CRIME STORY, plus this one in ’86. Seemed like something I should investigate.

Wahl plays Rick Benton, a stoic car mechanic working for Dees’s specialty car business. The only people in his life are his kid brother who he raised (Brian Robbins, director of NORBIT), his Vietnam buddy who works at the junkyard, and a customer he’s starting to date, talk radio host Nancy Allen. He works for rich people but chugs along in the kind of lower middle class existence not usually depicted casually in a TV movie. A couple nice touches I noticed: they eat on paper plates, and they wrap gifts with the Sunday funnies. You ever notice how presents on TV and movies are usually perfectly wrapped with shiny bows and sometimes even lids that just lift off? I could never pull that off. The Sunday funnies is more relatable. Good one Ferrara. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 16th, 2009 | 25 Comments »

The Stunt Man

tn_railsback1My Steve Railsback double feature concludes with the odd 1980 movie-movie THE STUNT MAN.

I don’t know what I was expecting from THE STUNT MAN, but it wasn’t this. It opens with a shot of a dog licking his balls, which is appropriate because this is another movie about making a movie. Two cops are chasing Steve Railsback for crimes unknown. He gets away but, through a complicated series of events, winds up hiding out on the set of a WWII movie pretending to be a stuntman named Bert who is actually dead due to a stunt gone wrong. The identity-switch is arranged to cover the ass of the eccentric director (Peter O’Toole) and he quickly falls for the female lead (Barbara Hershey), who he considers famous because he recognizes her from a sexy dog food commercial.

The police keep hovering nearby and he continues to work on the movie as a stuntman, comparing his situation to a war buddy who stepped on a landmine and couldn’t step off because that’s how you get blown up. But strangely it never really goes back to the story of him being a fugitive. It’s just this really surreal, inventive story about his possessive love for Hershey, his friendship with O’Toole, and eventually his fear that it’s all a conspiracy to kill him in a re-try of the stunt that killed Bert. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 15th, 2009 | 16 Comments »

Turkey Shoot

tn_railsbackTime to get back to my ongoing study of the works of Brian Trenchard-Smith. This one will also be part 1 in a Steve Railsback double feature.

TURKEY SHOOT is one of the Brian Trenchard-Smith pictures I had heard of before I started going through his filmography, although I knew it under the American title ESCAPE 2000 (which is what it’s called on the Anchor Bay DVD). It takes place in a dystopian future where “deviants” have been locked up in camps to be brainwashed and abused. Not sure if this happens at all of them but at this particular one, Camp 42 I believe, they also let the inmates run around in some wilderness to be hunted by rich people. Hence the title “TURKEY SHOOT.” It’s kind of like in the U.S. a couple years ago what we would’ve called “DICK CHENEY PHEASANT HUNT.” Means the same thing.

Our heroes are naive Olivia Hussey, sexy Lynda Stoner, and defiant Steve Railsback. Railsback gets a pretty badass setup because the headmaster, Thatcher, lists all the different camps he’s escaped from, and you know he’ll be adding Camp 42 to the list soon. I love Railsback from ED GEIN, LIFEFORCE, etc. but to be honest he doesn’t have that great of a character in this one. He mostly just runs around. Not that he’s not good at running around, it’s just not that memorable a part. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 14th, 2009 | 14 Comments »

Collateral Damage

tn_collateraldamageAfter revisiting THE RUNNING MAN I decided it would be a good time to catch up on a more recent Schwarzenegger movie I had skipped before.

COLLATERAL DAMAGE is a dumb movie, and not the good kind of dumb. On paper it sounds like it has a zeitgeisty post-911 exploitation revenge premise, but it completely fails to deliver on that premise. It supposedly (according to director Andrew Davis in the DVD extras) means to subvert expectations by having a hero who saves lives instead of takes them, but that point gets muddled too. It’s not a good action movie and it sure as shit doesn’t come across as an effective drama about war, terrorism, interventionism, the cyclical nature of violence, or intercontinental travel. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 13th, 2009 | 21 Comments »

The Running Man

tn_runningman1Arnold Schwarzenegger is… THE RUNNING MAN. That’s actually what it says on the credits, which makes me feel good, makes me proud to be an American. In fact, I’m gonna make a new tag for this review called “is…” If you can think of some other movies where the star “is…” the title, let me know. But only if it’s in the actual opening credits, not just the trailer or the poster, at least for now. We’ll see how many we can find.

THE RUNNING MAN was a book Stephen King wrote in 1982 when he was on the lam and hiding out under the alias Richard Bachman. I read it back in the ’80s so I don’t remember it in much detail, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the same kind of goofy cartoon shit as the movie. It was about a brutal game show of the future where contestants tried to get across the country without being killed. I think there were bounty hunters after them, but also they’d become famous through the show and regular people would try to kill them to collect a reward. It’s like American Idol except instead of participating by calling in you do it by shooting at the guy. The main character was kind of like Kowalski in VANISHING POINT, he ended up capturing the hearts of everybody at home and they started rooting for him to get away. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 12th, 2009 | 54 Comments »

Vern reviews S.DARKO direct to video…

To H. Knowles, M. Beaks, Q. Vespe and A. It Cool News:

Hey everybody,

Vern here. I have been known to review a DTV sequel or two, so somebody requested I report on the quality of S. DARKO: A DONNIE DARKO TALE, available on the DVD as of today. So don’t ever say I didn’t give back to the community.

It’s been a while, but if I remember my DONNIE DARKO right, a bunch of weird shit was going down with a bunny man and hallucinations and mysteries and what not, so there was time travel and apocalyptical type shit, turned out the bunny was a dude in a Halloween costume that got hit by a car, Donnie was killed by a plane engine landing on his house, trippiness, etc. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 12th, 2009 | 5 Comments »

The Limits of Control

tn_limitsofcontrolIn Jim Jarmusch’s new one, Isaach De Bankolé plays a man (“Lone Man” according to the credits) on a mission. He meets some guys at an airport who give him a key and a box of matches and tell him to go to a certain cafe and wait for “the violin.”

So he flies there, checks into the hotel, goes to the cafe, waits around, nothing happens. Goes back to the hotel, stares at the ceiling until the next day, comes back, waits. He goes to the art museum, where he sees a painting of a violin. Is this the violin he’s supposed to be waiting for? Not sure. Goes and waits some more. Eventually a guy with a violin comes (SPOILER), talks to him, they trade boxes of matches. Inside his box is a scrap of paper with a code on it, which he reads and then eats.

Basically, the whole movie is him doing variations on this routine again and again, all of it nicely photographed in Spain by Christopher Doyle. He goes to different places and meets different people. At every cafe he orders two espressos in separate cups. Every contact says the same thing to him at first, then talks to him about some interest of theirs (movies, music, molecules). He doesn’t respond and usually doesn’t look like he’s listening. Then they give him the same kind of matchbox with the same kind of note in it which he always eats. In between he checks out some art such as paintings, music or dance. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 11th, 2009 | 18 Comments »

Star Trek (2009)

tn_startrekNever thought they’d be able to pull a trick like this, but somehow they made STAR TREK cool. I’m not even sure if I can say cool again. I guess when the first couple movies came out it passed as cool. Anyway, this is some top grade movie magic here because it takes this pop culture phenomenon that has for generations been the #1 cliche nerd obsession and makes it into something that we, as a society, can share peacefully and enjoy together.

Going on opening night of course I saw it in a sold out crowd that must’ve contained some hardcore Trekkos (that’s what they prefer to be called – the word “Trekkies” was made up for the classic documentary and to true Trekkos is considered ten times worse than the n-word) but I never even felt a twinge of that nerdophobic uncomfortableness I felt when I went to see SERENITY. Midnight show in Imax might’ve been a different story, I don’t know, but my point is this thing is reaching far outside of the nerd audience. They said we weren’t ready for a black president, and they were wrong. They never said we weren’t ready for a cool STAR TREK, because nobody was even gonna argue that one. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 10th, 2009 | 99 Comments »

NINJA trailer

In case anybody missed the link Jake generously provided in the Summer Movies comments, here’s the trailer for the upcoming movie NINJA, which is in my opinion about a ninja.

NINJA marks an exciting moment in DTV history for me, because Isaac “UNDISPUTED 2” Florentine and Scott “Weapon XI” Adkins are a director/star team with a body of work good enough that I’m honestly looking forward to this as much as I would a theatrical film. I’m also happy to hear the return of cheesy action movie trailer narration, especially when it’s talking about the deadly ancient traditions of the ninja.

That’s the other thing – this is part of an upcoming glut and/or renaissance of ninja films. It’s in competition with the McTeigue/Wachowski joint NINJA ASSASSIN for top of the heap, but there’s also another DTV one called THE LAST NINJA and a recent made-for-cable called MASK OF THE NINJA. I didn’t finish that one though and was disappointed that Casper Van Dien played the cop and not the ninja. There was an okay part where his undercover role in a drug bust was as guitarist in a bar band, but he didn’t even use the guitar as a weapon or do an awesome solo.

May 9th, 2009 | 27 Comments »

VERN’S 2009 SUMMER MOVIE EXPLODETACULAR

tn_summer09A Preview and a Pep Talk

With WOLVERINE: X-MENS in theaters and STAR TREK: NOT THE MOTION PICTURE BUT JUST STAR TREK hitting tomorrow, the ribbon on the 2009 summer movie season has officially been cut. Doesn’t matter that it’s early May and greyer than your grandma’s hair outside my window – I’ve seen with my own eyes they got Wolverines and Terminators on the Slurpee cups, and that means it’s summer. Come to think of it, the summer movie season keeps getting earlier in the year, just like Christmas decorations. Anyway, since I got a blog now and I can just blog about anything I want to blog about here on my blog, I might as well get back to the standard movie nerd shit I used to do in the old days. So here’s my SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW plus a little venting at the end. By the way, blog is short for weblog, that is why you say blog, it just sounds so good to say it instead of weblog. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 7th, 2009 | 72 Comments »

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »
  • Hey bud, thanks for reading.

    Don't feel obligated, but here are some

  • WAYS YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SHIT OUT OF VERN & OUTLAWVERN.COM

    if that's your thing:

  • 1. Patreon

    Toss me a couple bucks a month, support the good shit, also get access to a bunch of exclusive writing. This is my primary source of writing money that has allowed me to cut down to part time at the day job. Thank you!

  • 2. Buy my books from your local bookseller or somebody

    click here for my Amazon author page

    (NOTE: My ten year contract has passed on the Titan books, so I don't get residuals on them like I do WORM ON A HOOK and NIKETOWN, but I would love for you to read them because I'm proud of them)

    EXTRA CREDIT: Review them on Amazon! That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.

  • 3. If you ever buy from Amazon, go through my links or search engines



    (you pay the same amount you were gonna pay anyway they cut me a little slice)

  • I also have an Amazon UK one:

    (I can't get the search box widget to work anymore, so click on MOONWALKER and then search for what you want.)

  • 4. My exciting line of fashion and leisure products

    (I get a couple bucks per item, you get a cool t-shirt, mug or lifestyle item)

  • 5. Spread the word

    Tell your friends about my reviews and my books and everything. Only cool people though please, we don't need a bunch of suckers and/or chumps around here.

    THANKS EVERYBODY. YOUR FRIEND, VERN

    * * * *

  • Recent commentary and jibber-jabber

    • CJ Holden on Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday: “Honestly, after finally being able to watch it…I kinda liked it. But here is the disclaimer: I don’t really like…” Feb 14, 11:14
    • VERN on Queens of the Dead: “That’s interesting so-and-so, I don’t fully understand what causes you to reject it like that, but it sounds like my…” Feb 13, 22:50
    • Skani on Heart Eyes: “Second watch verdict is in — it’s still very good! Boys liked it a lot, too, across the board. My…” Feb 13, 17:54
    • Mr. Majestyk on Heart Eyes: “I was not expecting it to be dead serious with that premise. I just don’t think they got the comic…” Feb 13, 12:33
    • Bill Reed on Heart Eyes: “Maybe I’m a sucker for anything that has a lot of quickly-delivered dialogue, but I liked this a lot more…” Feb 13, 12:33
    • Skani on Heart Eyes: “Majestyk, I already had plans to watch this with my boys this evening (their first watch, my second), so, I…” Feb 13, 11:14
    • Dave Chappelle's Emergency Code Word on Butcher Boys: “Maybe Swift’s refried idea is what the fourth-rate Hollywood producer Barry Josephson had in mind when he told Jeffrey Epstein…” Feb 13, 09:37
    • so-and-so on Queens of the Dead: “i appreciate the outreach that a review like this represents but i think if a straight co-worker were to recommend…” Feb 13, 06:50
    • Mr. Majestyk on Heart Eyes: “Would like to chime in that I have also cut off the SCREAM franchise on moral grounds. It was not…” Feb 13, 04:54
    • Simon Underwood on Heart Eyes: “As someone who had their life changed by Scream (among other things, it was one of the key films that…” Feb 13, 01:13
    • so-and-so on Send Help: “sympathy is reserved for and expressed to other human beings; the characters in a fictional narrative by definition cannot garner…” Feb 12, 21:59
    • Skani on Heart Eyes: “My friends at Rotten Tomatoes call this “ A mixture of gory slasher and sweet rom-com that ingeniously nails both…” Feb 12, 20:17
    • Alex R on Dragged Across Concrete: “This review was what made me start reading the site. I believe somebody linked to it on Letterboxd. Two things…” Feb 12, 19:26
    • Curt on Queens of the Dead: “Yes, it was VEGAS IN SPACE, thank you! I looked it up online and recognized the artwork immediately. Worth a…” Feb 12, 18:40
    • Mr. Majestyk on Heart Eyes: “I kind of hated this one. As a SCREAM-esque glossy slasher it’s, shrug, fine, but christ, do I hate this…” Feb 12, 17:44

  • Recent Commented on Posts

  • Most Comments