"KEEP BUSTIN'."

STEVEN SEAGAL IS A DANGEROUS MAN

tn_adangerousmanThe new Steven Seagal picture comes out in the States today. I couldn’t wait so I already imported the UK version. I like the design of the American cover a little better, but I don’t regret a thing because the UK one has the all important “Steven Seagal is” before the title, something that’s been sorely lacking from Seagal movies lately, not to mention from movies in general.

(STEVEN SEAGAL IS A SERIOUS MAN. STEVEN SEAGAL IS A SINGLE MAN. STEVEN SEAGAL IS AN EDUCATION. STEVEN SEAGAL IS PRECIOUS BASED ON THE NOVEL PUSH BY SAPPHIRE. etc. )

mp_adangerousmanUnfortunately in my opinion this is only an adequate new volume to the Seagal library. It’s from Keoni Waxman, the same director as the okay THE KEEPER and not necessarily any better. As is now traditional, it sounds like some of Seagal’s lines are being dubbed in the first couple minutes, although it’s possible that they had to loop them and processed them weird. If it is in fact another actor as I suspect I would like to congratulate them on finally getting a halfway decent Seagal-voice imitator. That’s gonna come in handy.

Seagal plays Shane Daniels, a special ops individual going to meet his wife at her car when a guy is gonna carjack her and he shows up and chases him off and then off camera the carjacker is killed. The cops bring in Shane, who swears he didn’t do anything, but they don’t believe him.

“You’re goin away for a long time, tough guy,” yells the interrogator.

Suddenly… BAAAAAAAAOOOOWWWWWW… a MORTAL KOMBAT style distorted guitar wail. And then “STEVEN SEAGAL” followed by “A DANGEROUS MAN.” It’s a really cool credits sequence that shows pictures of the people as it names them, like an old cop show intro or something. More movies should start out this way.

Of course, I wish it said STEVEN SEAGAL IS A DANGEROUS MAN, but as it is it’s still pretty cool. There’s an implied comma. STEVEN SEAGAL, A DANGEROUS MAN.

When the credits end Shane has done six years and has just received a letter from his wife saying she has given up and can’t wait for him any longer. Kind of a bummer because if she had done her research she would know he has been vindicated by DNA evidence and is about to be freed. The judge awards him $300,000 but he refuses it. “Your honor, I gave 14 years of my life to the military. 6 years hard time in a federal penitentiary. I don’t know why you people think that money can replace a life.”

In the tradition of HARD TO KILL Shane stops by a liquor store, but there’s a new twist on the old classic: he gets in a fight outside of the liquor store, not inside. That’s Seagal for a whole new generation, a generation that doesn’t want to have to clean up a bunch of broken glass. Anyway the point is some guys are waiting there to rob him, and since they weren’t there for the police interrogation or the meeting with the judge Shane feels he has to recount his backstory yet again:

“Let me tell you something. I just got out of prison for something I didn’t do, and before that I used to like, you know, study real hard and learned all kinds of different ways to kill motherfuckers just like you. So, let me go, just let me go on by, or I’ll fuck you up ugly.”

“What’s that mean, fuck you up ugly?” one of the thieves asks.

“It means your mama won’t recognize you in your coffin.”

Then the guy gets mad that he’s talking about his mama. These punks today are so literal. This is an automatically enjoyable scene, and it suggests another good title: STEVEN SEAGAL IS FUCK YOU UP UGLY.

While this is not one of the better Seagal DTV movies it does have plenty of dialogue like that to redeem it. A word of warning, though: they must’ve thought the movie was too slow because every once in a while his voice gets a little high pitched, I think they’re speeding up the scenes. Makes it a little silly sometimes, but I guess those Chipmunks movies are really popular, aren’t they? Maybe that’s what it is.

After Shane fucks them up ugly he steals their car. You know how it is when a guy tries to steal your wife’s car and you go after him but don’t kill him but some mysterious other person does kill him and you take the fall for it but then six years later you get exonerated by the Innocence Project and released but then some guys try to rob you. Obviously, what you do in a situation like that is beat them nearly to death and steal their car and then go to a rest stop to think about it.

Meanwhile there are two young men drinking and driving in a stolen car of their own. They pull over at the same rest stop. I don’t know what Shane’s up to, other than resting. I don’t see any cruising going on, or any local groups providing coffee or McDonalds orange drink. Maybe he’s just reflecting on why he was so honorable he wouldn’t take the government’s money but so dishonorable he spontaneously stole a car.

There are three cars here: Shane’s (stolen), the young dude’s (stolen), and some Chinese gangsters with a load of money and a kidnapped girl in the trunk. Stay away from rest stops, by the way. Just a word of advice.

A cop car shows up and tries to question the Chinese gangsters, but this leads to a shootout (the one Seagal and associates were sketching out in the season finale of LAWMAN). Seagal reverts to his special ops training and puts a flaming rag in the gas tank of one of the three cars, and then you have to wait in suspense and keep watching the flame burn for a long time before you figure out which car he was trying to blow up, because the geography is not very clear. I believe it turns out to be his own car blown up as a distraction. Kind of a short sighted plan, especially for a guy they didn’t even see standing there in the first place.

Long story short, the gangsters, the cops and one of the car thieves all end up dead, and Shane leaves with the surviving kid (Jesse Hutch as Sergei), the girl from the trunk (Marlaina Mah) and a bag of money. So I guess he decided on being dishonorable after all, so he’s open to stealing drug money. Sounds like the actions of a dangerous man.

The movie is basically about them driving to Bellingham, Washington and trying to straighten out a problem with the girl’s uncle who’s trying to emigrate. The gangsters he’s an accountant for won’t let that happen though, and this causes a clash between state troopers, the Bellingham PD, corrupt members of the Chinese military involved with Golden Triangle heroin smuggling operations, and the Russian mafia. It’s funny, the actual Bellingham is mainly a town full of college students. It’s only the 12th largest city in Washington. It’s hard to imagine it being run by the Russian mafia, but I guess I don’t know the place that well. Who knows what’s going on? Seagal would know better than me.

(it’s all shot in Canada, though.)

Early in the movie Sergei (whose dad is named Vlad – didn’t notice an Ivan in this one) asks, “Look, do you have any idea what’s going on here?” and to be honest I didn’t. When Shane hears the girl’s story he says, “I get it. I know what to do. I know what to do.” And I just took his word for it. This is not the kind of direct and streamlined action story I prefer. But it does have plenty of good qualities and unusual touches, which I will now list.

It has a pretty decent villain played by Byron Mann (graduating from sidekick in BELLY OF THE BEAST, the same trajectory as Morris Chestnut between UNDER SIEGE 2 and HALF PAST DEAD).

It has a scene where Vlad is being threatened by cops. He responds by telling them he’ll cut their balls off and saying, “Where we come from we fuck cops in the mouth when we run out of farm animals.” It’s one of those questionable boasts. Even if I understood why raping cops is supposed to be a status symbol I still don’t see why you brag about fucking animals. Maybe it’s a former communist thing. Or just something about the cold climate there.

Seagal either doesn’t know about the zoophilia or isn’t judgmental about it because he becomes honorary brothers with Vlad and knows how to toast it in Russian.

Most importantly Seagal has a whole bunch of corny tough guy lines that make me smile:

“Just give me a few hours to get into the wind.”

“It ain’t about trust, it’s about survival.”

“I will leave you here to get eaten by the fuckin jackals, who are coming soon.”

“Well, unfortunately in the fabricating of your plans you inadvertently stepped into my mine field, and to answer the second part of your question, I want you dead.”

“You know brother, where I come from the definition of death is emptiness. If that’s the case I’ve been dead for a long, long, long time.”

In fact there are so many of these type of lines, not to mention gratuitous boob shots, that it almost plays like the ultimate Seagal DTV movie in some ways. Just not my favorite ways. But I’m starting to convince myself that it’s better than I thought. I’ve already heard from one reader who loved it, I think partially because the violence is pretty brutal. Indeed, there is some powersawing, and he pounds an icepick into a guy’s head like a nail into wood. So we can all get behind that. He was serious about fucking them up ugly.

My favorite touch in the movie, though, is a weird little bit about Shane’s race. At one point Sergei says something about that they saved the girl or something, and Shane says, “Whatchyoo mean ‘we,’ white boy?” It seemed like an odd thing to say, but I let it go.

Then, about 36 minutes into the movie, one of the bad guys is talking on the phone about “that Indian.” Since there are no other characters who could be interpreted to be Indian, I can only assume he’s talking about Seagal’s character. And since there’s no indication that he’s Native American, what the hell, I’m gonna imagine that he was born in India. And that’s a new one.

I don’t think I’ll be revisiting this one too often, but it does end with a hug, so it can’t be that bad.

.

.

IMPORTANT PROCEDURAL NOTE: After a few months of failing to find any more movies that have “[actor] is [title]” on the actual credits, I’ve decided to broaden the “is…” tag to also include ones where it says it on the front cover.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 9th, 2010 at 2:59 am and is filed under Action, Reviews, Seagal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

65 Responses to “STEVEN SEAGAL IS A DANGEROUS MAN”

  1. No Seagalogy-esque breakdown, Vern?

  2. He doesn’t break them down in his online reviews.

    “I will leave you here to get eaten by the fuckin jackals, who are coming soon.” Sounds like a good enough reason to see this for me.

  3. Are you sure Seagal’s voice didn’t sound a little high-pitched b/c you were watching an import dvd? All British PAL dvds run a little faster in the U.S., leading to the slight (but noticeable) sound distortion…

    and it is funny, I can’t even follow your synopsis of a DTV Seagal plot, never mind the film itself…

  4. “Well, unfortunately in the fabricating of your plans you inadvertently stepped into my mine field, and to answer the second part of your question, I want you dead.”

    I don’t usually go in for films with flowery, poetic dialogue but I guess I’ll give it a shot.

  5. You had me at “Steven Seagal is Precious, Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire.” It works on so many levels…now that I’d pay to see.

  6. The idea of Bellingham being the location of a bad ass showdown is hilarious. I went to school at Western Washington University in Bellingham for my first year of college and unless a lot has changed it the past decade there is not shit going on there. It is a small rural town not far from the Canadian border that most likely would not even be on the map if it was not for the fact that the 3 largest University in Washington state is located there. Maybe I was just too young and naive at the time see the signs that is was controlled by the Russian Mafia.

  7. I do hear there are lot of vampires and werewolves up that way…at least that’s what I saw in “Twilight” (which is just as bad in every single way as you’ve heard it was)

    Come to think of it, maybe this movie could’ve used a “From Dusk Til Dawn”-type switch and turned into a monster pic with Seagal and his enemies forced to band together against a bunch of vampires and / or werewolves…hmm…but maybe there’s already a movie like that in his ouevre, not sure.

  8. Charles: TWIN PEAKS was also set in Washington near the Canadian border. I’ll be so disappointed if I don’t find dancing little people who speak backwards aphorisms up there in the woods.

  9. There seems to be more boobs lately in the Master’s films.

    Good.

  10. For some reason the “STEVEN SEAGAL IS” thing works particularly well with a lot of 90s-00s Best Picture winners:

    STEVEN SEAGAL IS NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

    STEVEN SEAGAL IS THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

    STEVEN SEAGAL IS TITANIC

    STEVEN SEAGAL IS A BEAUTIFUL MIND

    STEVEN SEAGAL IS UNFORGIVEN

    STEVEN SEAGAL IS AMERICAN BEAUTY

    And my personal favorite:
    STEVEN SEAGAL IS SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE

  11. After UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: REGENERATION and that incredibly high standard for a DTV, this feels underwhelming.

  12. Let me get this straight : convoluted plot , random tit shots , Seagal , Russian mafia , zoophilia undertones and sudden high-pitched voices coming from big men ( like , I don’t know , the fat vampire from Blade ?) ? Sounds like good , old fashioned fun .

  13. Matt : Yeah , how about this : STEVEN SEAGAL IS DISTRICT 9.

  14. It works with Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider movies as well.

    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE WEDDING SINGER
    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE WATER BOY
    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE BIG DADDY
    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE HOT CHICK
    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE ANIMAL
    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE 50 FIRST DATES

  15. STEVEN SEAGAL is THE BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL NEW ORLEANS?

  16. STEVEN SEAGAL IS THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE!

    Ha, bet you are trying to turn off the disturbing mental image conveyed by this title!

  17. And with Apatow movies.
    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE 40-YEAR OLD VIRGIN
    STEVEN SEAGAL is KNOCKED UP
    STEVEN SEAGAL is SUPERBAD
    STEVEN SEAGAL is FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL
    STEVEN SEAGAL is ANCHORMAN
    STEVEN SEAGAL is FUNNY PEOPLE
    STEVEN SEAGAL is STEP BROTHERS
    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE CABLE GUY
    STEVEN SEAGAL is OLD SCHOOL

  18. Steven Seagal is Port of Call New Orleans

  19. Fuck! must read ALL posts. Fail.

  20. I preferred Driven to Kill to this, it had much better action set-pieces and a baddie who could last more than 2 seconds against Seagal. However I thought Vlad was great, especially when he tells the crooked cops to get the fuck out of his bar.

    Guys who’ve seen it – what did you make of the final scene? Has Seagal hooked up with the girl he was protecting? If so…yeeesh.

  21. STEVEN SEAGAL is THE UNDERCOVER BROTHER

  22. After years of psychoanalysis Steven Seagal makes a startling discovery:
    STEVEN SEAGAL IS THREE MEN AND A LITTLE LADY

  23. STEVEN SEAGAL is THE WORLD’S FASTEST INDIAN
    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE PRINCE OF PERSIA
    STEVEN SEAGAL is FLETCH
    STEVEN SEAGAL is DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN
    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE PREACHER’S WIFE
    STEVEN SEAGAL is WAITING TO EXHALE

  24. Let’s try it with some of my faves from various different genres:

    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE OMEN (because whenever you see him, you know you’re going to have a really bad day)
    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE MATRIX (He actually did play a character called “John Matrix” once if I remember correctly, so this could actually be true)
    STEVEN SEAGAL is PULP FICTION (but based on pulp fact)
    STEVEN SEAGAL is JUGGERNAUT (and not the God-awful Vinnie Jones version either, bitch!)
    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE FIFTH ELEMENT (and lovin’ it)
    STEVEN SEAGAL is PITCH BLACK (and in da ghettoe)
    STEVEN SEAGAL is LETHAL WEAPON (nah, this one is just boring and obvious)
    STEVEN SEAGAL is BEING JOHN MALKOVICH (this is more like it!)
    STEVEN SEAGAL is BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE (he always gets the first strike)
    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE DAY OF THE JACKAL (Dolph Lundgren is the day of the ocelot, and Tuesday is the day of the hump-backed camel)

    Here’s my favorite film ever:

    STEVEN SEAGAL is LOST IN TRANSLATION (a beautiful reflection on the nature of love and life, set in the seedy bars of Tokyo and featuring lots of broken arms and smashed windows)

    And my personal favorite of the Seagal references:

    STEVEN SEAGAL is TWELVE ANGRY MEN (because one angry man just ain’t badass enough!)

  25. STEVEN SEAGAL is MAD ABOUT MAMBO
    STEVEN SEAGAL is FEELING MINNESOTA
    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE HUMAN STAIN
    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE DIVINE SECRET OF THE YA YA SISTERHOOD

  26. This whole “STEVEN SEAGAL is…” thing is played out. The new hotness is “For the past 20 years STEVEN SEAGAL has been…”

    For the past 20 years STEVEN SEAGAL has been FALLING DOWN

    For the past 20 years STEVEN SEAGAL has been EATING RAUL

    For the past 20 years STEVEN SEAGAL has been TEACHING MRS. TINGLE

  27. dude, John Matrix was Arnold in Commando.

  28. Steven Seagal is Dirty Dancing
    Steven Seagal is Death Proof
    Steven Seagal is Postal
    Steven Seagal is Me, You, and Everyone We Know
    Steven Seagal is World’s Greatest Dad
    Steven Seagal is Big Trouble in Little China
    Steven Seagal is Pootie Tang

  29. My recurring Kafka-esque nightmare:

    STEVEN SEAGAL IS MY LEFT FOOT

  30. I have a question, how exactly does Steven Seagal working on a film by Robert Rodriguez work anyway? Seagal hasn’t worked with a name director in forever and Seagal usually seems to have the final say in all of this movies. Does he listen to Rodriguez and does what is asked of him? This is probably going to be the most fascinating thing Seagal has ever done.

  31. STEVEN SEAGAL is THE FISH THAT SAVED PITTSBURGH
    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE GHOST IN THE INVISIBLE BIKINI

    These ones follow the Majestyk template:

    For the last 20 years STEVEN SEAGAL has been ROMANCING THE STONE
    For the last 20 years STEVEN SEAGAL has been MY OWN PRIVATE IDAHO

  32. STEVEN SEAGAL IS THE GREMLINS…

    STEVEN SEAGAL IS PRIVATE PARTS…

    And for the last 20 years STEVEN SEAGAL has been INTO THE SUN .

  33. So, no EDGE OF DARKNESS write-up?

  34. Seagal’s bid for Eddie Murphy comedy territory:

    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE COOK, THE THIEF, HIS WIFE AND HER LOVER.

    And, for fun:

    For the past 20 years, STEVEN SEAGAL has been…CHASING AMY.

  35. STEVEN SEAGAL is AGUIRRE: THE WRATH OF GOD

    STEVEN SEAGAL is RAVENOUS

    STEVEN SEAGAL is FEMALE PRISONER #701 SCORPION: BEAST STABLE

  36. STEVEN SEAGAL is ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN
    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE TOWERING INFERNO
    STEVEN SEAGAL is DOWN WITH LOVE
    STEVEN SEAGAL is LOST IN SPACE
    STEVEN SEAGAL is DOWN AND OUT IN BEVERLY HILLS

  37. STEVEN SEAGAL is F FOR FAKE

    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE DEAD ZONE

    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE THIN RED LINE

    STEVEN SEAGAL is SANS SOLEIL

    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE HOLY MOUNTAIN

  38. Steven Seagal is The Man With Two Brains

    For the past 20 years Steven Seagal has been…GLEAMING THE CUBE!!!

  39. I always thought they should make a Seagal DTV called HARD FOR JUSTICE, just so they could say:
    STEVEN SEAGAL is… HARD FOR JUSTICE.

  40. STEVEN SEAGAL is JCVD

  41. I like how the photo at the top looks like the poster for Midnight Express

  42. Awesome link Maxo.

    Steven Seagal Ate Jessica Alba.

    And not in the good way.

    I’d really like to see an S.Seagal movie like the Bosworth “One Tough Bastard”.

    Maybe Steven Seagal will…. Fuck you up.

    Damon wayans to co-star as “You”.

  43. hamslime: It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if Season Two of LAWMAN reveals that, for the last 20 years, Seagal has been a skateboard master.

    I so totally want to see STEVEN SEAGAL is THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS. That would be awesome.

  44. Song Titles:
    STEVEN SEAGAL is LIVIN’ LA VIDA LOCA
    STEVEN SEAGAL is MORE THAN A WOMAN
    STEVEN SEAGAL is HOPEFULLY DEVOTED TO YOU
    STEVEN SEAGAL is THE REAL SLIM SHADY
    For the Last 20 Years STEVEN SEAGAL has been ON THE GOOD SHIP LOLLIPOP

  45. ^HOPELESSLY I mean

  46. STEVEN SEAGAL is SAVING PRIVATE RYAN

    i would watch that :)

  47. STEVEN SEAGAL is FAT.

    *cue Weird Al Yankovic*

  48. I’ve been to Bellingham. I don’t remember it looking like that.

    That thing with punching the guy in the face with the dismantled pistol was nasty.

    More of that.

    **SPOILERS**
    The real surprise was the girl ending up with Seagal at the end. I didn’t see that one coming.

  49. I’m a huge fan but A Dangerous Man is bad.
    Not bad meaning good, but bad meaning bad.
    The fight scenes are the worst. Is the Keeper that terrible one with poor Isaac Hayes? Because this one has fight scenes that are almost as terrible. Shaky handi-cam close-ups, epiliptic editing, and lots of PADDY-CAKE!! I did like the Russian though. He was one bad-ass.

  50. Hilarious review. I watched this movie in three parts because it was too badass for a full watch.

    “Fuck you up ugly” is the new saying for me.

    and LOL @ the whitey comment.

    The film is awesome.

  51. Yeah, that Eddie, he’s a wildman. You just gotta love him. You never know what’s gonna happen when Eddie’s involved. He’s something else.

    Wait, what?

  52. I think he’s trying to give us a hint about who is behind all these spambots of last week.

  53. Alex Dixon, Lawman

    April 14th, 2010 at 5:03 am

    Vern,
    I was one of the lucky British fans who managed to see ADM the day it got released and i must agreee with you that it fails to get beyond the ground that the Keeper first tread on. For me, personally, Driven to Kill is the best Seagal film in probably 10 years, with none of the avid fart action that i know you love to hate and a better Russian accent than any Italian/Indian i have ever heard. it really got me hopeful that Steven may be ready to finally produce some worthy action films again…ah well, here’s hoping that Born to raise hell is better than the synopsis suggests and Machete gets him back in the limelight again so he can get some real money behind his films. Surely Robert Rodriguez could be the visionary to cast Seagal as …..A Leading Man…..no? fingers crossed.

    Loved the book Vern, hopefully you’ll get the urge to publish all of your subsequent reviews in a similar fashion in a few years time….Seagalology 2 Dark Territory?? Just putting it out there.

    Much love Seagal fans

    Alex

  54. Steven Seagal is the best in films !

  55. OLV – I’ll click on your spam link if you buy Seagalogy through my Amazon link.

  56. Watched it today. I liked it, but agree on the Ver(n)dict.

    For the last 20 years STEVEN SEAGAL has been AMADEUS.
    STEVEN SEAGAL is DER UNTERGANG (for us European Seagologists)

  57. ******SPOILER*******
    Oh, and in this one Seagals character doesn’t get hit/punched once. Was hoping for him to get fucked up ugly himself in the endfight. Maybe this is because of his career and family life being fucked up ugly (equilibrium)…
    ****END SPOILER*****

    (Steven Seagal is Ghandi/the Untouchables?)

  58. I know the female lead (Marlaina Mah) in this one. Not that well, but we have a bunch of mutual friends and I’ve met her a handful of times. Really cool chick, she worships Woody Allen and writes sci-fi. I’ve heard some funny/creepy secondhand stories about some of the behind the scenes happenings during the production. Apparently she (and/or her agency) had to be pretty firm about the clauses in her contract specifying no nudity/kissing Seagal. Which might explain the weird ending where they have an awkward hug. But again this is all secondhand.

  59. Just watched Bulletproof with Gary Busey and the opening credits read:

    Gary Busey
    Is
    Bulletproof

    Don’t know if that helps or not.

  60. Jack – I’ll also add this one: “Michael Caine is HARRY BROWN.”

  61. Just finished watching it. With all the tough guy dialogue and brutal violence it was reasonably fun, but I found the fight scenes poorly filmed and the plot too confusing or even nonsensical. HUNT TO KILL, the director’s latest DTV starring Steve Austin, is much better in those two areas. But I guess it’s not out yet in the US.

  62. This one had parallel’s w/ “No Country for Old Men.”

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  64. Speaking of the quote, “It ain’t about trust, it’s about survival.” That same line was used in the latest Hunger Games film. Woody Harrelson says it to the two youngsters before they have to fight once more.

    Well he doesn’t use the word “aint.” The line goes: it’s not about trust, it’s about survival. But that’s close enough.

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