"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Azrael

Maybe it’s weird to watch a post-apocalypse movie right before this particular election, but I’d wanted to see AZRAEL and then I saw that it was on Shudder. I knew it was a low or no dialogue movie starring Samara Weaving (MONSTER TRUCKS, THE BABYSITTER, SNAKE EYES), and not much more, but “genre movie starring Samara Weaving” is enough for me. It would’ve been a bonus if I’d known it was written by Simon Barrett (YOU’RE NEXT, THE GUEST) or if I recognized the name of director E.L. Katz from the dark comedy CHEAP THRILLS.

We’ve seen so many post-apocalyptic worlds, but this is a new one for me. It opens with a card that says, “Many years after the Rapture… Among the survivors, some are driven to renounce their sin of Speech.” Yes, it’s a movie where none of the main characters speak, or even sign, so the details of their situation are never directly addressed. But that leaves plenty of space to interpret and contemplate.

(read the rest of this shit…)

November 4th, 2024 | 5 Comments »

Suspiria (1977)

1977 gave us some pretty important movies. Some influential ones. Some we still talk about today. STAR WARS was a big one. CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND. SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER. ERASERHEAD. SORCERER. THE HILLS HAVE EYES. And hailing from Italy, Dario Argento’s SUSPIRIA. One of the greats, a true original, and I think it’s safe to say one of the most beautiful looking horror movies ever made.

When I first saw it as a young man it set my brain on fire. I was pretty new to the world of Italian horror and had never seen anything quite like it, but it turns out that’s also because there’s not anything quite like it. Since then I’ve seen it many more times, including once in a theater with a Jessica Harper Q&A, and its reputation has grown even stronger as a generation or two discovered it in the age of screen caps and gifs. Its stunning visuals require no context to knock you on your ass. (read the rest of this shit…)

October 31st, 2024 | 9 Comments »

Rosemary’s Baby

The central theme of ROSEMARY’S BABY (1968) is right there in the title. It’s about someone having a baby, so it’s about fears surrounding a healthy pregnancy and beginning a new life as a parent. That’s part of what makes the movie so powerful, but one way I know it’s good is how effective it is even for someone like me, a non-parent, a childless cat lady. I’m sure it kicks your ass harder if you’re an expecting or aspiring parent, but it has other things going for it too.

My main association with ROSEMARY’S BABY is that it was my mom’s favorite horror movie. That might just mean it was one of the few she’d seen. But I remember when I was a teen obsessed with Freddy Krueger and Clive Barker she said “Do you want to see a real scary movie?” and we rented it. As far as I remember I thought it was pretty good, but not enough that I thought of as a favorite. It didn’t make it into the rotation.

That was more than three decades ago. For years now I’ve been wanting to revisit it and review it for the day before Halloween, my mom’s birthday. But I always get behind on all my other plans and get bogged down. I decided to make it happen this year even before I realized there was a new prequel on Paramount+, but I’ll review that soon. (read the rest of this shit…)

October 30th, 2024 | 17 Comments »

The Invasion (second review)

THE INVASION (2007) is the fourth (and final, the way civilization is going) official movie adaptation of Jack Finney’s The Body Snatchers. I actually reviewed it for The Ain’t It Cool News when it came out, which is one way I can prove it exists. It’s documented! Anyway I after I watched the other three I figured I oughta complete the set.

This one stars A-listers Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig and is the Hollywood debut of acclaimed German director Oliver Hirschbiegel (DAS EXPERIMENT, DOWNFALL), as well as the first movie written by David Kajganich, who later wrote A BIGGER SPLASH, SUSPIRIA and BONES AND ALL for Luca Guadagnino. But it was kind of a fiasco, losing money and getting poor reviews, universally considered the weakest of the four versions. I’m sure we would’ve noticed it was kinda sloppy even if it hadn’t been widely reported that producer Joel Silver thought it wasn’t working and spent $10 million on reshoots written by the Wachowskis and directed by their guy James McTeigue (V FOR VENDETTA, NINJA ASSASSIN). It was delayed over a year and moved from a confident June release to a resigned August one.

And, would you believe it? It doesn’t really work. But it has its moments.
(read the rest of this shit…)

October 29th, 2024 | 23 Comments »

Body Snatchers

Abel Ferrara’s BODY SNATCHERS (1993) was my first body snatcher invasion movie. I saw it when it was new on video, and I knew it had been poorly received, so I figured my ignorance of the original and the original remake must’ve helped me to enjoy it more than everybody else. But watching it now with a deep appreciation for the other ones, yeah, it’s still good anyway. So maybe I liked it better because I’m a unique individual with my own feelings and not a plant programmed only for survival. Or because I was ahead of my time – it seems to have a pretty good reputation now.

The title sequence is admittedly chintzy compared to the one in Kaufman’s version. Something about the long sequence of the title flying through a crude starscape and letter-by-letter turning from red to black, set to the score by Joe Delia (MS. 45, FEAR CITY, THE SUBSTITUTE 2: SCHOOL’S OUT), was putting me in mind of a Stuart Gordon/Brian Yuzna type movie, but that might’ve been my subconscious remembering that this was actually from a screenplay by Stuart Gordon & Dennis Paoli, rewritten by Ferrara’s guy Nicholas St. John. Gordon was supposed to direct but couldn’t get a commitment from the studio to actually make it until leaving to do FORTRESS. He told Fangoria that his version was originally designed as a sequel to the Kaufman version and went into more detail about how the pod people are plants. “It’s not like they have a brain in their head. The creature’s consciousness is throughout its whole body, so that if you destroy the head, it doesn’t kill or stop it.” That would’ve been fun! But what Ferrara did is good too. (read the rest of this shit…)

October 28th, 2024 | 9 Comments »

The Ogre/The Church

This DVD I rented is labelled DEMONS III: THE OGRE, but I knew that wasn’t really a thing. That’s just how video labels chose to promote THE OGRE, a 1989 TV movie that Lamberto Bava went off to do after giving up on a third DEMONS.

THE OGRE opens in Portland, Oregon, where a little girl wakes up and wanders into a dungeon/wine cellar and finds a bizarre, pulsating cocoon on the ceiling. It’s like a giant spider egg sac except it glows yellow, drips fluid and beats like a heart. She sees a spindly monster inside, and it reaches a hand out for her, then chases her. Eventually she wakes up. Yes, it was only a dream, but she dropped her teddy bear in the dream, and now it’s gone. (read the rest of this shit…)

October 24th, 2024 | 7 Comments »

Demons 2

Until now I had never seen DEMONS 2, really didn’t know anything about it, and considering its provenance it could’ve been a sequel-in-name-only. So I was excited when the opening narration described the events of the first film: demons unleashed from a movie theater. But it says that was followed by “days of terror that convinced the world demons can exist.” Days. So the war between the survivors and the monsters implied by the ending has already wrapped up, I guess. Things seem to be back to normal.

You could say it’s a DAWN OF THE DEAD type sequel – new set of characters later in the same apocalypse – but really it’s more of a do-over, a different take on the same rough idea. I think that’s a pretty cool approach, and they chose good elements to remix. Instead of a movie theater, the specific structure it focuses on is a high-rise apartment building called The Tower. Instead of the meta element of a movie about demons showing in the theater, they have one broadcast on TV, and various people in the building are watching it. They also have another part where suddenly it cuts to some punks driving around, although in my opinion they don’t really do much of interest with it. On the other hand they do one-up the iconic people-with-glowing eyes scene by doing it with a bigger mob of demons and then again looking up a staircase as they run down it. (read the rest of this shit…)

October 23rd, 2024 | 4 Comments »

Demons

Lamberto Bava’s DEMONS is from 1985 and it’s a thoroughly 1985 movie in a very good way. It has a catalog of tough punk type side characters, a very danceable electronic score by Goblin keyboardist Claudio Simonetti, and somewhat random rock soundtrack including “White Wedding” by Billy Idol and “Walking On The Edge” by Rick Springfield. It has lots of atmosphere and stylized imagery with colored lighting that makes the frame look like a blue or yellow screen printing, and a handful of scenes just starkly showing a strip of flashy businesses around the mysterious Metropol movie theater where it takes place. Gothic horror downtown.

When it opens on the subway, Simonetti’s theme song is grooving so hard – the drum and keyboard sounds he’s using seem old school hip hop influenced – you’re pretty sure this is gonna be a classic. And I think your instincts are correct. Cheryl (Natasha Hovey) is, I believe, a music student in Berlin headed to a lecture, clutching her Bartok book nervously as she eyes the cool punk hairstyles around her on the train. Lady, they don’t even know you exist. Get over yourself. Then she starts glimpsing reflections, almost like a hallucination, of some kind of cyborg man (second unit director Michele Soavi) with a half metal face? I don’t know, maybe it’s an updated Phantom of the Opera mask. He turns out to be real and approaches her at the station… she actually runs from him but is relieved when he turns out to be just a guy giving out passes to a movie screening. (read the rest of this shit…)

October 21st, 2024 | 32 Comments »

The Shadow Strays

(This review is pretty detailed and spoilery. The movie is great, so consider just watching it and coming back.)


THE SHADOW STRAYS is the latest ultra-violent crime/martial arts epic from writer/director Timo Tjahjanto. Like THE NIGHT COMES FOR US (2018) and the more comedic THE BIG 4 (2022), it was produced by Netflix Indonesia, so you can probly watch it right now wherever you are. (Important subtitle tip: at least on my Roku you have to click “Other” to find the full subtitle menu if you want to choose English instead of English CC.) Like HEADSHOT (2016), it takes place in a world of elite assassins trained (at least in some cases) from childhood. These ones are known as Shadows, and they’re more of a global mercenary agency, like militarized ninjas.

We begin in a snowy Yakuza fortress in Japan, where seventeen year old Agent 13 (the incredible Aurora Ribero) rises up out of an armor collection to decapitate a sleazy boss. She kills so many guys, almost eliminates the entire clan, but gets distracted by collateral damage and has to be rescued by her mentor Instructor Umbra (Hana Malasan, THE TRAIN OF DEATH). Afterwards, Umbra gets called off to “some shit show in Cambodia,” so 13 is sent alone to an apartment in Jakarta. (read the rest of this shit…)

October 18th, 2024 | 12 Comments »

Terrifier 3

In 2022, a transgressive gorefest called TERRIFIER 2 was given a limited unrated release in AMC theaters. Kinda like GODZILLA MINUS ONE the next year it proved to be so popular they kept adding another set of screenings and another and another. There was enough of a buzz that I set aside my usual disdain for clown horror and fired up the first TERRIFIER on the ol’ Roku. That went pretty well so when TERRIFIER 2 screened in Seattle again I went, and kind of loved it. Later I caught up with ALL HALLOW’S EVE, the anthology made from two short films that introduced the idea of TERRIFIER.

So by the time of TERRIFIER 3 I’m a fully converted fan of the series, and there must be a whole lot of other people who followed that path, because this is truly unprecedented: an extremely gory unrated part 3 slasher movie that opened #1 at the box office. For extra laughs, it happened to beat out week two of a Hollywood evil clown sequel with literally a hundred times its budget. I’m pretty sure no one in the TERRIFIER camp was even trying to do that. But it’s a genuine phenomenon. (read the rest of this shit…)

October 16th, 2024 | 27 Comments »

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »
  • Hey bud, thanks for reading.

    Don't feel obligated, but here are some

  • WAYS YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SHIT OUT OF VERN & OUTLAWVERN.COM

    if that's your thing:

  • 1. Patreon

    Toss me a couple bucks a month, support the good shit, also get access to a bunch of exclusive writing. This is my primary source of writing money that has allowed me to cut down to part time at the day job. Thank you!

  • 2. Buy my books from your local bookseller or somebody

    click here for my Amazon author page

    (NOTE: My ten year contract has passed on the Titan books, so I don't get residuals on them like I do WORM ON A HOOK and NIKETOWN, but I would love for you to read them because I'm proud of them)

    EXTRA CREDIT: Review them on Amazon! That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.

  • 3. If you ever buy from Amazon, go through my links or search engines



    (you pay the same amount you were gonna pay anyway they cut me a little slice)

  • I also have an Amazon UK one:

    (I can't get the search box widget to work anymore, so click on MOONWALKER and then search for what you want.)

  • 4. My exciting line of fashion and leisure products

    (I get a couple bucks per item, you get a cool t-shirt, mug or lifestyle item)

  • 5. Spread the word

    Tell your friends about my reviews and my books and everything. Only cool people though please, we don't need a bunch of suckers and/or chumps around here.

    THANKS EVERYBODY. YOUR FRIEND, VERN

    * * * *

  • Recent commentary and jibber-jabber

    • KayKay on Americana: “Ms Sweeney has been a lightning rod for both sides. As Vern mentioned, the right wing grifters (those nimrods who…” Nov 7, 17:22
    • Aktion Figure on Materialists: “Fucked that up. “Wheels on Meals”, of course. But I think most here get my lament.” Nov 7, 16:44
    • Aktion Figure on Materialists: “Waking up at 8AM on a Saturday morning sucked until you opened the channel guide and, what-the-hey, some movie called…” Nov 7, 16:42
    • Aktion Figure on Materialists: “Y’know, I’d never watch this nowadays, just not really my cuppa. However, teenage me in the 90’s stuck at home…” Nov 7, 16:19
    • VERN on Materialists: “I think a movie like this exists outside of our bubbles. I meant to see it at the little indie…” Nov 7, 13:11
    • Charles on The Smashing Machine (2025): “I finally watched this and while it’s feels unnecessary I thought it was well done. One thing that dawned on…” Nov 7, 12:56
    • MaggieMayPie on Materialists: “I wanted to like this movie. I wish I could see the movie Vern likes. I like pieces of it,…” Nov 7, 10:26
    • Mr. Majestyk on Materialists: “I am not knocking this movie, which seems pretty good. But goddamn, what a terrible title. You got three hot…” Nov 7, 06:10
    • CJ Holden on Materialists: “I have never heard of these matchmaking services. Might be an American thing. Us Germans get our souls crushed on…” Nov 7, 00:35
    • Inspector Hammer Boudreaux on Materialists: “I also liked PAST LIVES A LOT. My problem with this one is simply Dakota Johnson. Maybe she’s the coolest…” Nov 6, 20:41
    • Franchise Fred on Materialists: “I have been a client of 3 matchmaking services in my life, none as high end as Adore, but I…” Nov 6, 14:50
    • burningambulance on Cronos: “About 10 years ago the Criterion Collection boxed this up with Pan’s Labyrinth and The Devil’s Backbone in a nice…” Nov 6, 08:41
    • Magius on Sky High: “It’s kinda funny that Sky High came out around the same time as Fantastic Four, but it actually feels a…” Nov 6, 08:27
    • jojo on Cronos: “I saw this at a festival* in like ’94-’95, and don’t think I’ve ever seen it since. At the time:…” Nov 6, 04:31
    • CJ Holden on Cronos: “I remember recording this off late night TV in the early 2000s. When they showed it, I was on a…” Nov 6, 01:07

  • Recent Commented on Posts

  • Most Comments