Didn’t get a chance to link this earlier, but The Ain’t It Cool News is running my review of the new straight to video WILD THINGS sequel. It really is called WILD THINGS FOURSOME. It’s easy to assume they only made the movie in order to use that title, but it actually kind of seems like the 4th person in the foursome (not pictured) was added in at the last minute. She’s barely in the movie at all.
By the way, two or three of the talkbackers there remind me how cool you guys are. Good job being cool, everybody.
Hey fellas,
I think we can all agree that WILD THINGS is a unique gem of the ’90s, right? A straight-faced but knowingly hilarious, amped-up take on the sleazy erotic thriller. It has everything you’d expect in a movie like this, except Shannon Tweed. It’s got murder, staged death, false rape accusations, a swimming pool cat fight, a threesome, big boobs, Kevin Bacon’s wang, Bill Murray, and the most convoluted series of double-crosses ever on film (so complex that it flashes back during the end credits to show that you still don’t know who was in on what with who). It found the perfect use for Denise Richards, showed that director John (HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER) McNaughton could have a laugh and taught me that Florida is a humid battleground for wars between the swimsuit-wearing super rich and the jealous “swamp trash.” This was helpful to know around then because they elected Jeb Bush governor, then it was Elian Gonzalez, butterfly ballots, Bush v. Gore, Terry Schiavo media frenzy, etc. Maybe WILD THINGS was trying to warn us.
WILD THINGS 2 and 3 were direct to video, and the main thing I remember is that I watched them. In that same tradition comes the fourth installment, tastefully titled WILD THINGS FOURSOME, and available on the DVD and the Blu-Ray June 1st.
This one begins promisingly. At a huge mansion pool party hundreds of beautiful twentysomethings in swimsuits watch the male lead win an intense foosball game. There are dynamic shots all aorund him and from inside the table and everything, and when he wins (SPOILER) he raises his arms like a boxing champ. It seems just like that movie NEVER BACK DOWN except instead of the rich bully kid being good at MMA it’s fucking foosball. He starts talking about a $10,000 bet but unfortunately it turns out to be on a speed boat race, and foosball never comes up again. Too bad, because there aren’t enough high stakes foosball movies these days, in my opinion.
Anyway his race car driver dad is killed in a suspicious crash, there are some complications involving the will, there is some scheming, brief nudity, etc. Somebody’s definitely up to something but the mystery is who all is in on it (SPOILER: everybody is).
I don’t really get the philosophy behind these sequels. They’re all just not-as-good rehashes of the first one, no attempt to try anything radically different. You can’t compete with the first one, so they’re content to just trail along far behind. The schemes are different, but there’s always seduction, betrayal, everybody in on it, which was a surprise the first time but this fourth time, not to speak for everybody, but I’m pretty sure most of us have caught on to the formula. The most blatantly rehashed scene is the famous Richards/Campbell/Dillon threesome, which in that one was the funniest blunt way to reveal they were conspiring together, but by now is just expected, like pranks in a POLICE ACADEMY sequel.
Credit where credit is due, I guess: it really does what the title promises. They re-enact the threesome scene and then add a fourth participant. One guy making out with three topless girls in a shower.
Not to piss on anybody’s parade but I gotta say, man, I don’t think one on three is that good an idea. It’s an impressive sight, but it’s alot of pressure for one dude. I’m not naive, I know the girls would probly take care of each other more than the guy would. But still – if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well. I’d want to hold up my end of the bargain, and I think that would be challenging. I’m not saying I couldn’t pull it off, I’m just saying it could go either way. I mean, I know you guys all are super-studs, because why would you lie about something like that on the internet? But personally I’d feel more comfortable sticking with the traditional two or less partners.
Hell, even if it’s to celebrate a criminal conspiracy – you could always have two different meeting times at the hotel, split it up. You have a one-on-one to warm up and then a threesome later on. Or vice versa. Of course, if you have to do the pouring-champagne-on-boobs thing, saving half a bottle for later would be tacky, in my opinion. You’d have to splurge for two bottles. But you’re celebrating getting a bunch of money anyway, I think you can afford it, so that might be the better tactic. Oh well. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Pretty much all of the characters are intentionally hatable. Some of it is funny, but smart enough to keep a straight face and leave it ambiguous how serious it’s supposed to be. I like the scene where two characters are getting married as part of their scheme and as they’re declared husband and wife they look across the property to make eye contact with another character outside the gate giving them the stink eye from inside a yellow sports car, and then she drives away. That’s how it is in Florida, always some bitch in a yellow car waiting around watching and then she drives away.
They do a good job of making Blue Bay, Florida the vapid millionaire beach community portrayed in part 1, but strangely there’s a scene where the police chief claims that it’s a low crime area where a noise complaint is about the hardest thing the cops usually deal with. What, did they not find all those bodies from those three separate crime sprees beginning in 1998? And they consider all those rape charges to be misdemeanors? I don’t get it.
The best thing about the movie is John Schneider as the lead detective on the case. Somehow the guy from DUKES OF HAZZARD provides a little integrity. It took me a minute to recognize him, so I already decided I liked him before I could hold his TV background against him.
To answer your question, yes, they show some boobs, and the girls have nice butts. I think they could’ve had more toplessness though, considering the male lead stays shirtless for most of his part, beginning with the opening scene where he proposes a shirts and skins foosball game with himself as skins. He stays loyal to that team for the rest of the movie. He might as well be in a Tarzan movie considering how rarely he wears a shirt. Anyway, it’ll do in a pinch for teens who can’t get around Net Nanny, but for adults I recommend real porn.
The director is Andrew Hurst, writer of parts 2 and 3 as well as VAMPIRES: THE TURNING and SINGLE WHITE FEMALE 2. This time he entrusted the sacred writing duty to the likes of Howard Zemski and Monty Featherstone. Yes, THE Howard Zemski and Monty Featherstone.
(apparently the authors of HAMMERHEAD: SHARK FRENZY.)
WILD THINGS: FOURSOME is mildly amusing, but mild amusement is not really that big a commodity these days, in my opinion. Doing a part 4 to this is like doing that foursome: tempting, but hard to pull off. I hope if they keep doing these they’ll find somebody who actually has a good idea how to do it as funny and unexpected as the original. Something that continues in the same spirit instead of just rehashing with an extra pair of tits.
thanks fellas
Vern
Originally published at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/44923
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May 4, 2010 3:35 AM CST
Vern rocks
by Phategod2
Please post more reviews Vern
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May 4, 2010 3:35 AM CST
and why are we reviewing this?
by Aloy
Sounds like we need a porn section of AICN.
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May 4, 2010 3:40 AM CST
OMG there’s a new Vern book?
by Box_Bruceleitner
I was unaware of this until now and just seeing that link for the “Yippie Ki-Yay Moviegoer!”, consider yourself bought! “Seagalogy” is among my bathroom literature along with “The Alphabet of Manliness”, “Seinfeld: Master of its Domain”, and “The Simpsons: A Complete Guide To Our Favorite Family” (seasons 1-8…ie: the only good seasons).
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May 4, 2010 3:42 AM CST
Vern has reviewed 2-4 right?
by Jimbonx
awesome.
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May 4, 2010 4:12 AM CST
no ghostbuster 3 news? im out…….
by theDannerDaliel
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May 4, 2010 4:17 AM CST
I’m going to be honest
by NoodlesHahn
I was not expecting a Terry Schiavo reference when I clicked this headline.
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May 4, 2010 5:23 AM CST
Are you kidding me ?
by barnaby jones
Other places have reviews of Prince Of Persia already and you’re posting this shit ?
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May 4, 2010 5:24 AM CST
Have to say you’re right about the original though
by barnaby jones
It’s great stuff.
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May 4, 2010 5:25 AM CST
Aloy
by barnaby jones
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May 4, 2010 5:26 AM CST
Sorry lets try that again
by barnaby jones
I thought AICN’s porn section was Harry’s weekly dvd review column !?
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May 4, 2010 6:17 AM CST
Could anyone actually be bothered reading the above?
by BenBraddock
Sorry, Vern, but what were you thinking?
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May 4, 2010 7:23 AM CST
Wild Things is good BECAUSE
by Laserhead
Master Noir novelist Kem Nunn did an uncredited wall-to-wall rewrite of the script.
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May 4, 2010 7:23 AM CST
WILD THINGS 4 = “0” ON THE JERK-O-METER
by Darth Busey
Thanks for saving me thirty fast forwarded minutes which would ultimately end in sad frustration, Vern!
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May 4, 2010 7:24 AM CST
Feh… the lesbo scenes were
by Powerring
way too tame…much like Cinemax movies.
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May 4, 2010 8:09 AM CST
I’ve got two hands. That’s a threesome, right?
by Royston Lodge
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May 4, 2010 8:21 AM CST
Been there, done that
by deelzbub
took photos as proof. I will be watching this, if only to jog those old memories to the surface!
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May 4, 2010 8:32 AM CST
Vern, you mean Sex Crimes 4
by MorganLeafy
That’s what is was called by us.
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May 4, 2010 9:03 AM CST
Enough with ragging on Vern
by chimpjnr
That review was hilarious.
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May 4, 2010 9:04 AM CST
When did everyone reading this site lose their sense of humor?
by chimpjnr
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May 4, 2010 9:05 AM CST
Shouldn’t have been 3 girls
by Sonny_Williams
Two couples, with some soft-core male and female bi action, would have shaken up the formula a bit. THAT would definitely bring back some fond memories for me….
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May 4, 2010 9:08 AM CST
WTF?
by Sonny_Williams
Wierd, I don’t know what happened to my comment. Anyway, I opined that the foursome should have been 2 guys and 2 girls with bi action for all. Shakes up the formula a bit (and brings back fond memories for me!)
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May 4, 2010 9:09 AM CST
Ignore
by Sonny_Williams
The WTF? post, I’m obviously in a lust-induced haze reliving old times in my brain.
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May 4, 2010 9:23 AM CST
Jeez, chill out!
by Cat_Corporation
I for one look forward to reading any review written by Vern, no matter what shit he’s reviewing. There’s room on the site for reviews of movies *other* than the huge blockbuster releases, and hey – at least Wild Things 4 is a movie. If it was a review of new X Box game, I’d understand. Now there’s a thought!
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May 4, 2010 10:04 AM CST
Has anyone actually been following the “story” of Wild Things?
by RETURN_of_FETT
I mean, the first movie wasn’t that good to begin with. Until this article I didn’t even know they had 2 straight to video sequels. I can’t imagine ANYONE giving a fuck about this. My fucking GOD this site is slumming it lately.
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May 4, 2010 10:06 AM CST
www.outlawvern.com
by Rocco Curioso
I have yet to understand why, given all his previous outstanding contributions, that this site doesn’t put up a proper HTML link to Vern’s site whenever he graces us with his usual brilliance. They do it for McWeeny (The Frustrated Screenwriter Formerly Known As “Moriarty”), but not Vern.
Shame on you, Harry.
Can’t say I have any particular interest in the third “Wild Things” sequel, but the origianl is the tits (pun very much intended).
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May 4, 2010 10:22 AM CST
…Wild things was good
by yourSTEPDADDY
…And his foursome rant was great… use half a bottle of wine for one of sexings? great lol… and yea, i doubt i could go for the belt like my man Barny Stinson… but man i would love it if i had two girls blowin me (while i check out aicn on my phone after takin the pics)
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May 4, 2010 10:22 AM CST
…And good one Royston bout your “threesome”
by yourSTEPDADDY
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May 4, 2010 10:26 AM CST
I WAS A FUCKING FOOSBALL MANIAC IN COLLEGE
by BringingSexyBack
Good times.
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May 4, 2010 10:32 AM CST
Travel guide
by xsi kal
I really think Vern should write a travel guide, based on how some states and cities are portrayed in movies. I certainly learned a lot about Florida from this review. :)
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May 4, 2010 10:34 AM CST
who cares?
by Judge Briggs
so much free porn on the internets these days!
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May 4, 2010 10:42 AM CST
Would a foursome have improved
by Magnus Greel
Where the Wild Things Are?
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May 4, 2010 11:24 AM CST
Cloverfield is a whale!
by professor murder
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May 4, 2010 11:30 AM CST
Barnaby and Fett
by Vern
Barnaby – I write about what I want to write about, and one thing I never considered writing about is some shitty Jerry Bruckheimer movie based on a video game I never heard of starring Jake Gylenhaal with his shirt off playing a Persian warrior. If that’s your bag then I accept your lifestyle and your freedom of individuality and what not but you can’t force it on others. Not interested, bud.
I completely understand if you don’t want to read a review of a Wild Things part 4, and because of that I have included a special coding in this post that allows you to not read it and then click to the other things that are on the internet. In fact I have specially arranged for there to be dozens, maybe hundreds of other topics you can find to read about, and it’s easy to do using your own computer. Please email me for more detailed instructions.
Fett – I thought it was funny that they had a Wild Things 4, I wrote it up, sent it to them, they posted it. How is that slumming? If anything you are slumming with your whining. I think you have done much more robust whining in the past on better topics. With all due respect I may have to stop following your whines if they continue in this direction.
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May 4, 2010 11:50 AM CST
Vern’s reviews rock
by Forsakyn
Seriously, I don’t care if he’s reviewing “The Happening 4” – I’ll read it. His reviews are meant to be fun and certainly not necessarily focusing on more prominent movies.
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May 4, 2010 11:57 AM CST
Why are people acting like they’ve never…
by SilentP
seen a Vern review before? He reviews shitty straight-to-dvd movies. It is awesome. Wtf is wrong with you people.
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May 4, 2010 12:16 PM CST
Vern: Your Slams of Talkbackers
by kevinwillis.net
Are better than your reviews. Do me next!
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May 4, 2010 12:20 PM CST
VERN INHABITS A SPECIAL NICHE
by BringingSexyBack
And he’s the best at it, bar none.
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May 4, 2010 12:23 PM CST
my day just got better
by Bloo
because I got to read Vern’s review of Wild Things Foursome. A vern review makes every day brighter and better
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May 4, 2010 12:36 PM CST
The next Wild Things movie should be entitled
by PTSDPete
Wild Things Forever : The Future of Sleaze. Set 1,000 years in the future.
Directed by Joel Schumacher.
Expect nipples. Man nipples.
Guest starring Jay Leno.
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May 4, 2010 12:39 PM CST
And don’t forget the Wild Things prequel !
by PTSDPete
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May 4, 2010 12:47 PM CST
Is this a Joke..?
by greigy just wanted to say
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May 4, 2010 12:48 PM CST
No SERIOUSLY… Is this a JOKE..?
by greigy just wanted to say
Did I miss the punchline..?
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May 4, 2010 12:59 PM CST
Wild Things 5 : Bullshit
by PTSDPete
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May 4, 2010 1:03 PM CST
I hope they make a 5th
by BrynnerBot
so that Wild Things can compete with Death Wish for most sequels. They could call it Wild Things 5: Boobs of Death.
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May 4, 2010 1:20 PM CST
“Kevin Bacon’s Wang”
by Horace Cox
Sounds like a talkbacker name.
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May 4, 2010 1:27 PM CST
Nobody knocks down stupid TBers like Vern!
by ISleptWithKathyBatesAndAllThatIGotWasThisStupidTalkbackName
Fett goes down!
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May 4, 2010 1:27 PM CST
Vern, you gotta post reviews more often. We have newbies here.
by Mike_D
they are all confused as to what’s going on here. I, for one, enjoy them.
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May 4, 2010 1:33 PM CST
You had me at Shannon Tweed
by Ripleys_nipples
That´s one hot MILF/GROUPIE. Excellent review, Vern.
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May 4, 2010 1:34 PM CST
Greigy Just Wanted To Say
by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World
God you can tell by your posting style how much of an annoying sounding guy you must be in real life. You really get that across well, good job. But just sit down and shut the fuck up when grown folks is talking okay?
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May 4, 2010 1:43 PM CST
Met Schneider in FL while he was filming this.
by moonlightdrive
Really nice guy. It was prob this he was filming anyway. Although I can’t find this listed on IMDB under his acting credits?
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May 4, 2010 1:48 PM CST
How ’bout a “Batman XXX” review next?
by Ripleys_nipples
Just an idea.
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May 4, 2010 3:09 PM CST
LMAO…I wanna change my facebook status to
by yourSTEPDADDY
…”With all due respect i may have to stop following your whining if it continues in this direction”! man, i dont say owned but Fet got owned… i may actually have to check out his site now
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May 4, 2010 4:52 PM CST
The first half of WT was cool. Then it got stupid, and I get…
by JuanSanchez
the point behind it, but they did themselves a disservice going as far as they did.
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May 4, 2010 5:57 PM CST
WTF I’m a fag cos i want to hear about a blockbuster movie thats
by barnaby jones
and not some DTV softcore porn ? Gimme a break.
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May 4, 2010 5:58 PM CST
out in a couple of weeks
by barnaby jones
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May 4, 2010 6:32 PM CST
So…
by nukeboy1970
…AICN is reviewing half assed attempts at soft core porn now? Complete with half assed political commentary?
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May 4, 2010 7:08 PM CST
Yeah, they’re doing that now
by Vern
here’s another one I did very recently http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=17131
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May 4, 2010 8:12 PM CST
The first one was, in fact, a quality film
by OutsideChance
It was a neat little noir film that just happened to have great boobies on display.
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May 4, 2010 9:25 PM CST
jesus christ
by RyanEsta
That was one of the funniest articles I’ve ever read on this site
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May 4, 2010 10:43 PM CST
Vern rocks!
by Keanu Gives
How the fuck did I miss the new book?
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May 5, 2010 1:57 AM CST
Vern…
by ViolentN8
is the guy who can get me to watch Black Dynamite, check out an old ass kung fu flick and buy a book all in the same day. I didn’t even read this review but I *guarantee* you that it is the DEFINITIVE review of this direct to DVD piece of filmatism. I don’t really give a damn about del Toro but Vern IS a National Treasure! Now I’m gonna rewatch Wes Craven’s New Nightmare because of the Cult of Verninality!
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May 5, 2010 4:31 AM CST
Vern is a true professional
by David Cloverfield
Nobody knows how he looks like. He can be anyobody! He may be the guy sitting next to you… or girl! GASP. Until he continues to review DVD crap, I don’t care. I’ll order the book today.
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May 5, 2010 7:09 AM CST
Vern is one of the funniest film critics around
by lex romero
Who gives a flying fuck if it’s a review of a most likely crap DTV? I read his reviews because they’re funny as hell. I mean seriously guys “omg i cant believe they spent 5 minutes to upload this review to the site when in that 5 minutes they could have been doing so much more for the site!!”.
I mean lets be honest guys, AICN isn’t that quick for film news anymore (try /film if you want up to date film news) and it lost one of its best reviewers with Drew going to hitfix. So lets not sit here and act like a Vern review is somehow taking down the high standards of AICN. His reviews are funny and insightful and that’s a lot more than the rest of the site has been managing lately.
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May 5, 2010 8:33 AM CST
longest/only review this movie will ever get
by mav07
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May 5, 2010 10:02 AM CST
Hell, this website is filled with barely literate reviews/news..
by rbatty024
and when someone comes along and makes a review for a direct to DVD movie funny and entertaining, all you can do is bitch? That’s low, even for this website.
Even if I never watch this film in my life (and I most probably won’t), I’ll still read Vern’s review of it, because most likely he put more thought into reviewing the film than the director did in making the film.
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May 5, 2010 10:07 AM CST
Also, I have it on good word that in his new book…
by rbatty024
Vern reviews a film by Luis Bunuel. So, all of you art cinema lovers who are bitching about direct to DVD sequels can go hunt that down.
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May 5, 2010 6:25 PM CST
Vern
by redkamel
Verns the best man. I feel like my buddy is telling me about some movie he saw and is mildly excited/sarcastic about it. Hell, I’d rather read verns review about some random ass movie I havent heard of/know about then some review about Transfomers 2…which I already know is going to be crap.
Bottom line is vern reviews movies I might actually see. A lot of these newer movies, you can tell off the bat if its going to be crap or not. Whoa, prince of persia was a semi shitty movie? Big surprise, I thought it was going to be an oscar nominee!
May 4th, 2010 at 9:19 pm
God, your smackdowns of assholes are priceless. “Specially arranged for there to be dozens, maybe hundreds of other topics you can find to read about”…ah, I hope you feel cleansed, because I sure do. I really hope you can find a way to somehow collect those for a future book, something of a Vern equivalent of I HATED, HATED, HATED THIS TALKBACKER.
As it is, I’ll have to be content with my freshly-arrived copy of YIPPEE KI-YAY, which I’m opening up…right about now (a bit of a shame that the publisher couldn’t/wouldn’t do all the different colors and fonts you used in the DOMINO review, by the way. We’ll always have the internet, I guess.)