"I'll just get my gear."


Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here.

Vern is the greatest writer about film writing about film anywhere that film is written about. If you disagree, I will pay a big guy to punch you in a soft place.

I haven’t seen TRANSPORTER 3 yet, but thanks to this review, I feel like I have. Every word’s a gem, Vern. Thanks for the huge Friday morning belly laugh.

Check it out. Tell me I’m wrong.

Here’s a test for you. How many times did you rewind the part in TRANSPORTER 2 where he sees in a reflection that there’s a bomb on the bottom of his car so he drives the car off a pile of junk, flips, successfully hooks the bomb onto a nearby crane and lands the car safely?

If you answered 3 or more, like me, then you will probaly be disappointed in TRANSPORTER 3, like I was. If you prefer part 1 then all bets are off, but me, I’m strictly a part 2 man. The first one had some good action scenes, like the sliding-around-in-oil-on-the-ground fight. But it put too much emphasis on the melodrama. I don’t care how cool he looks in a suit, that’s not gonna make it interesting to hear him keep talking about his fucking “rules.” Oh geez I wonder what would happen if he ever broke one of those rules he won’t fucking shut up about, I guess it’s kind of a moot point though because obviously he would nev– WHUH? He broke his own rules? What’s gonna happen now? We’re through the looking glass, people.

Transporter 3Part 2 was a work of beauty though, a complete re-engineering that chops out everything that was dull and fills the empty space with added awesomeness. They still have the elaborate Hong Kong style fights, they raise the level of preposterous stunts/effects shots, they introduce more colorful characters. They got all kinds of crazy shit: a skeleton thrown at a guy, a firehose as a weapon, a car straddling two buildings. Frank jumps a jetski onto a street, jumps over two colliding cars, has a kickboxing match inside a spinning plane. How many movies have a female assassin in a sexy nurse costume, garters and Tammy Faye style smeared makeup driving a stolen police car? Not many. Later she is impaled on a wall of spikes in her boyfriend’s apartment, which in my opinion was an unsafe thing to have but I guess that’s easy for me to say, I wasn’t there. Hindsight is 20/20. Anyway, the point is that I love unapologetically over-the-top action when it’s well executed, and TRANSPORTER 2 delivers.

(get it, he is delivering a package, that was a Gene Shalit line. But I meant it.)

The less talk, more rock approach works so well I was convinced it was half an hour shorter than the first one, but IMDb says it was only a few minutes shorter. This one is about ten minutes longer, but with less content.

At the beginning we find Frank Transporter apparently retired. He enjoys fishing with his wacky French inspector pal and watching fishing programs at home. But then suddenly a car crashes through his living room driven by a guy who he suggested for a job he turned down. The guy is wearing a bracelet which causes him to explode when he is taken out of the car. Then Frank gets knocked out and forced to take over the job, which involves driving some freckle faced Ukrainian gal who for some reason he thinks is supposed to be his partner but everybody knows is really “the package,” the kidnapped daughter of an EPA commissioner being blackmailed to sign over something or other to some industrialists who want to dump toxic waste or some shit.

Okay, so the BATTLE ROYALE 2 type gimmick with the exploding bracelet is ridiculous, I give them points for that. But the standing-around-talking-about-shit-nobody-cares-about to entertainment ratio is unbearably high, not just compared to part 2 but even compared to the first one. In the best scene another driver takes Frank’s car, which means he’ll blow up when it gets 75 feet away. So he steals a bike and rides it through a factory, jumps through a window and back into the car. There’s also a funny car-onto-train jump, a part where he gets thrown through a brick wall like it’s a cartoon, and a fight where he takes off his jacket, shirt and tie and uses them as weapons. There are definitely some good moments, but they are spaced apart by, you know, other types of moments. Lots of them. When you finally get to the crazy shit it kind of feels out of place.

The director is newcomer Olivier Megaton. It’s a great name but he doesn’t live up to it with this movie, he MAYBE directs like an Olivier Halfastickofdynamite. Let me give you an example. There’s a scene where the girl can’t reach the gas station restroom without setting off the bracelet, so she brazenly pees on the floor. Right after that some enemies drive by… and then there is a car chase. If this was TRANSPORTER 2, and maybe even if it was THE TRANSPORTER, there would’ve been a huge fight and somebody would’ve slipped in that puddle of piss, I guarantee you. In this one there’s not as much action and there’s not as much gags in the action. It seems lazy compared to the other two. The fights are still choreographed by Corey Yuen, but he doesn’t do as many, and some of them are hard to make out because of that chaotic editing and shakycam virus that his been infecting all the modern action movies.

The train stuff made me laugh, but as a finale it seems a little weak. We’ve seen similar train-related ludicrousness in TORQUE and (yes, I have to say it) UNDER SIEGE 2: DARK TERRITORY. I don’t think Luc Besson’s heart was in it when he wrote this one. Maybe he’s lost his creative focus because he’s still upset about the Weinsteins redubbing his fairy cartoon with Snoop Dogg’s voice.

The character of Frank Transporter does evolve slightly. At no point does he seem weirdly racist. (Somebody told me those were young coconuts he used as boxing gloves against the black guy in part 2 but they sure look like watermelons to me.) Also he becomes an ex-gay in this one. He actually denies being gay while turning down heterosexual advances, but it still has the same kind of subtext as in part 2 so I’m gonna still consider him gay. He’s clearly thinking with his dick though, I really gotta question his judgment falling for this particular transportee. The scene that brings him back to the vagina is also the scene that made me start to hate the female lead. This is a crazy bitch who has been lying to him and treating him like shit, then she pissed on the floor and stole some vodka, she gets all giggly and steals the keys to the car, dances around threatening to blow them both up and forces him to take off his shirt and kiss her. Yeah, great catch there, Frank. Totally worth it.

Yeah I know, some talkbacker will say some cliche about how “crazy bitches are better in bed, heh heh heh,” but come on. Is that worth cleaning up after her when she pisses in his car? This is not a decision that’s gonna work out in Frank’s favor. Plus if he likes em crazy he should’ve gone for Lola in part 2. She was way hotter and had better hygiene.

I consider TRANSPORTER 3 an underwhelming installment. Too bad, because we could really use a good silly action series in the 2000s. But he’s only on strike 2, so I guess I’d watch a part 4 if they make one. I have a rule against watching the sequels for movies I didn’t like in the first place, but rules are meant to be listed, bragged about and then broken.


Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/39184

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 3:49 a.m. CST

    It’ll tide us over

    by NEUR0M4NCER

    while QoS is moping all over the place.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 3:49 a.m. CST


    by SpiceWonBruce

    Vern, you are a comedic revelation.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 3:49 a.m. CST

    “great catch”

    by Lost Jarv

    depends what he did to her.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 3:56 a.m. CST

    this will do till Crank 2!!!

    by BatPsycho

    come on Transporter 3 has to be half decent at least!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 3:56 a.m. CST

    I can’t believe there’s a Transporter 3….

    by Righteous Brother

    is the series really that popular?

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 3:58 a.m. CST

    saying that “Crazy bitches are better in bed”…

    by BadMrWonka

    is like saying, “Jaeger gets you drunk faster than beer!!”<p>well, yeah, but you end up not remembering the fun parts, and you wake up with piss and vomit everywhere…just like sex with a “crazy bitch”.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 4:02 a.m. CST


    by NomoredirtyjokespleaseweareYanks

    the second one at least held your attention.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 4:03 a.m. CST

    Crap Action

    by Le Phantom

    Hollywood and most movie goers under the age of 35 have NO FUCKING CLUE what good action or a good action movie is!

    They have been spoon fed shaky cam and MTV editing and think it is good! You are all nucking futs!

    Watch “Ben Hur”, “Enter The Dragon”, “The Dirty Dozen”, “Raiders Of The Lost Ark”, “The Warriors”, “The Road Warrior”, “Zulu”, “The Wild Bunch” and All of the Connery Bonds! To get a fucking clue!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 4:08 a.m. CST

    Olivier Megaton!

    by PlayerHater_of_the_year

    Seriously? Was ‘Hercules Rockafeller’ already taken? Thats actually worse than Kaos or McG.Know doubt this guy wears his baseball caps slightly askew and always has his colar turned up! Perfect candidate for the Hatin’!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 4:36 a.m. CST


    by Turtle_Z

    I’m going to watch this because ANYTHING with Jason Statham having a scrap in is worth a go. They can try and teach him martial arts, but the guy makes every fight look down and dirty. The Transporter films and Crank are some of the best action films I’ve seen since the ridiculously outlandish Arnie films of the 80’s. If it’s half the film of Transporter 2 it’ll still be worth a look :)

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 4:38 a.m. CST

    Transporter 2 sucked

    by photoboy

    If this is more like the first one then all the better! The fewer bad CGI cars grazing cranes to remove bombs the better. One of the reasons the first one was so good was all the stunts were practical and not CGI.

    Do they make the French cop eat Madeleines again? Apparently the actor hates them, so they had him cooking more of them in Transporter 2! :)

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 4:56 a.m. CST


    by DocPazuzu

    I refuse to believe it. I loved both of the prior installments (for slightly different reasons) and know The Stath will deliver (heh).

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 4:57 a.m. CST

    Statham is the Man

    by Captain RawBeard

    Enjoyed the first Transporter film. 2nd one was good but I HATED the car flipping bomb removal stunt. Crank is genius and I cant wait for the 2nd film. Just wish these films would stop asking Jason to do american accents as he is at his best (acting wise) doing cockney

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 5:01 a.m. CST

    See what I mean???

    by Le Phantom


  • Nov. 21, 2008, 5:05 a.m. CST

    Fuck Vern, disappointed you prefer part 2 over part 1…

    by Dr_Zoidberg

    The Transporter is done just right with cool cinematography, editing and WHACKY music that really shouldn’t work, but it does. It’s a retarded action movie, but Statham is perfect for the role; He can’t act, but he is a great physical performer and can look ‘moody’. Most of the action scenes are awesome, from the opening car chase with dodgy edits and impossible moves (curb bumping a BMW off a bridge with 6 feet of acceleration to land perfectly on a lorry below). The oil slick fight, the pursuit of a plane on foot, fuck, all the action works because it’s balanced right with comedy and seriousness. Transporter 2 fucked some things up. One, the music is GENERIC shite. Contrary to what Vern says, part 2 UPS the melodrama with that woman and her child and family, its just Man On Fire plot. The action is still good and energetic, but the final plane scene falls flat compared to the finale on the trucks in part 1, which was like some kind of Raiders of the Lost Ark on cocaine, speed and sherbet lollipops. For Part 3 I want more like part 1.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 5:12 a.m. CST

    Crazy women ain’t worth the sex…

    by sonnyfern


    Great review though, hilarious. But I’ll still check it out when it comes on DVD. I am the kind of guy that liked the first one more than the second one. So there you go…

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 5:17 a.m. CST

    Why Transporter films work:

    by DocPazuzu

    Well, apart from the top notch ass-kickery, of course, it’s because there is not a sly wink to be found ANYWHERE. They’re confident enough in themselves to play it completely straight. If there’s any humor involved, it’s mostly in the very notion that these films got made at all.


    Compare this to Shoot Em Up, which is an object of utter personal hatred for me; Shoot Em Up basically says: “Look how retarded this is! But also note how cool we are because we know HOW to be retarded even though we’re all much too good for this crap!”


    Er, no, you DON’T know how to “be” retarded — you know how to mimic true filmic retardedness while winking and sneering your condescending way through the material.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 5:29 a.m. CST

    Transporter 2 = WORST MOVIE EVER

    by Steve Rogers

    Transport 1 = SECOND WORST MOVIE EVER.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 5:42 a.m. CST

    The good Doc Pazuzu is right

    by palimpsest

    These movies play their ridiculousness with a straight face. And a lot of that comes from The Stath. There’s no mugging, winks to the audience or any of that ironic postmodern Baudrillardian shite. Statham’s a legend, and pound-for-pound the best action star on the planet right now.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 5:44 a.m. CST

    Transporter films are…

    by Droid

    great for the self-esteem. You watch them and feel superior to the idiots who made them. Besson really needs to go back to directing. Leon is fucking great. Taken was pretty good, though. And Shoot Em Up was the biggest load of shit I’ve seen in a while. That film was made by idiots who had the delusion to think themselves hip and cool. Just fucking awful.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 5:52 a.m. CST


    by Lost Jarv

    You wouldn’t say that about the Stath if you’d seen (like I have) Dungeon Siege. It’s as straight as it comes, and he kills many an orc but actually sucks balls without being funny.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 6:03 a.m. CST


    by Gungan Slayer

    ah yes, far too often the problems with movies.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 6:13 a.m. CST


    by spud mcspud

    How the hell did you make it through DUNGEON SIEGE? Even the intrinsic silliness of having actors like The Stathe and ray Liotta in a fantasy movie – you can’t imagine two less-sword-&-sorcery type actors if you REALLY TRIED – didn’t help: it had to go off after half an hour or so.<P>

    Quite looking forward to POSTAL, though. I know I shouldn’t have found that trailer funny… but I did.<P>

    I’m just a Stath action movie fan, I guess. Oh, and he ROCKED in DEATH RACE…

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 6:16 a.m. CST

    About SHOOT EM UP…

    by spud mcspud

    I really, really enjoyed it, but then I’d seen the trailer, realised that these were a bunch of smug wankers that thought they were cooler than the CRANK guys, so I wayched it with my internal criticism filter set to “Won’t be as awesome as CRANK; smug post-modernist twats thinking they’re the first to tip the wink at the audience while making a stupid movie; must watch for awesome action sequences, Clive Owen being stoic and cool, and Monica Bellucci’s tits.”<P>

    What can I say? I had a good time, but I think CRANK 2 will rule all action movies when it comes out next year…

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 6:22 a.m. CST

    Vern is the greatest writer…

    by metaluna

    Was that a joke? After reading this, he must be.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 6:24 a.m. CST

    Part 1 was better than part 2…

    by NeilF

    …seriously, the bomb under the car ruined 2!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 6:31 a.m. CST

    story made no sence

    by baba-lou2

    Is it wrong to expect a logical plot in this movie or am I just not the target audience? <p>

    Bad guy hires Frank to transport Ukrainian chick because <p>a)he can’t do it himself <br>b)it’s too dangerous for him to do it himself or <p> c) he can’t be seen doing it himself.<p>the problem is that Frank is constantly running into the bad guy or his henchmen along the entire lenght of the trip!If the bad guy can get his own henchmen where they are, why dont THEY just transport the Official’s daughter and let Frank Fish in peace. The was no dramatic need for the hero to even be involved in the story. Maybe I ask too much

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 6:45 a.m. CST

    Damn You Michael Bay


    Damn You Michael Bay

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 6:48 a.m. CST


    by just pillow talk

    So is Death Race worth a look? Better yet, how does it compare to the Transporters? I suppose there’s no piss on the floor in Death Race.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 6:57 a.m. CST

    I’ll see it anyway

    by disfigurehead

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 7:39 a.m. CST


    by Lost Jarv

    It would have gone, but just as I was about to turn it off I noticed that the orc things were hopping in a catapult and setting themselves on fire to be launched.<P>This kept me going hoping for some more stupidity, but it was not to be.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 7:45 a.m. CST

    The drama in the first Transporter was hilarious

    by Spandau Belly

    The way the chick goes from being this dude’s captive in a dufflebag to love slave is brilliant. I realize it’s typical in action movies that if the hero and a lady get a moment where the shooting stops they always use it to get busy regardless of whether they just met or whatever, but Transporter goes that extra mile and has her turn into his maid and chef also.<br><br>The confrontation between the dad and the daughter when she finds out he’s a slaveship operator was also pretty funny. They played it like she caught him breaking his diet or something. Good stuff.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 7:47 a.m. CST

    Crank 2 will be awesome

    by Spandau Belly

    I hope he dies at the end in an even more final way than falling out of an airplane and landing on the sidewalk and then still comes back for Crank 3. If we watched him melt in a vat of acid or something and then he just comes back in Crank 3 with a tan that’d be great.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 8:30 a.m. CST

    America needs it.

    by The-Duke-of-New-York

    Vern, I know I ask much of you, but we the talkbackers, the internet, the nation, and perhaps the world *need* you to review Twilight.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 8:50 a.m. CST

    I prefer 1

    by Melvin_Pelvis

    I like a bit of story lodged in my action<p>

    Also I was disappointed that Qi Shu wasn’t in 2 in a side kick / partner / love interest capacity

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 9:17 a.m. CST

    I also want Transporter Versus The Fast and The Furious

    by Spandau Belly

    these film series could mash up perfectly. Also, reveal that Ryan O’Neal’s character from ‘he Driver’ is The Transporter’s father.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 9:21 a.m. CST

    Horrible Movie

    by bubbatwo420

    I saw this last night and it was horrible, don’t waste your time…

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 9:36 a.m. CST

    Transporter 2 was great

    by LeFlambeur

    The movie was able to embrace its own absurdity in a way that most American action films don’t. Combine that with the fluid and well controlled visuals and you have a rare elan distinct to the action genre’s best works. I guess its always harder to appreciate what’s close, if this had been made in Hong Kong by the Film Workshop in the early nineties it would have been remembered as a genre classic.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:24 a.m. CST

    Not being a 15yr-old girl, I’ll be seeing this

    by kabong

    instead of “Twilight.”


    Maybe the puddle of piss was left on the cutting-room floor.


    But I’ll be there. It’s one of my rules.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:34 a.m. CST


    by g-ride9000

    Don’t you guys get it. You can get a regular chick to get down, the crazy ones arn’t all fun and games during the act of coitus. You ever had your lip bitten so hard it bled. Try cumming during that shit.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:41 a.m. CST

    Crank needs to be at least a 5 part series.

    by Stuntcock Mike

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:42 a.m. CST

    TransCrank and the Furious=a slice of heaven on earth

    by Stuntcock Mike

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:50 a.m. CST

    lol i’ll watch it anyways

    by T 1000 xp professional

    Van Damme needs to be the villain in the series!. MAKE IT HAPPEN!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:55 a.m. CST

    TRANSPORTER 1 is far superior to 2

    by SpyGuy

    Better directing, better fight choreography and most importantly, a better chick with Shu Qi. As for 3, this flick should certainly make my holiday weekend. Can’t wait!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:05 a.m. CST

    Great Review

    by Archive

    I further support the notion of The Fast and the Furious vs. the Transporter.

    While the second Transporter was a lot funnier, the first one was more memorable.

    That is all.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:14 a.m. CST

    Vern: our blue collar buddy.

    by The Reluctant Austinite

    At first all I could think was, “Is he serious?” For me, the car/bomb scene in “Transporter 2” was the prime example of what went wrong in the second film. I actually liked the first “Transporter,” but felt the second one went off the deep end of ridiculousness. Anyway, Vern’s review seems to tell me I’ll like the third one better. Vern is like one my blue collar buddies. He doesn’t have the same tastes or film background that my day-to-day friends have. When I chat with my blue collar buddies I have to make sure I don’t insult Steven Seagal, but instead focus of the postive guilty pleasure aspects Seagal’s ouvre. And never mention “Songs From the Crystal Cave.” These guys are geniunely solid gold at heart, and that’s why I enjoy their company occasionally. You can listen to 80s heavy metal and talk about KISS without irony. Vern is like that, and that’s why we love him.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:50 a.m. CST


    by DarfurOnTheRocks

    How many times did you rewatch Seagal kicking that dude out of the window? Oh… and was the replaying of that window kick/jump from 7 different angles gratuitous or not?

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 12:41 p.m. CST


    by uberman

    just like CRANK and FAST and FURIOUS. Is there anyone…ANYONE!…who actually PAYS to see these? How do they keep getting made? Oh, and Strathorn or whatever your name is, your career jumped the shark with Transporter II. Time to do commercials for the AB-ALIZER.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 12:45 p.m. CST

    part 1 fans

    by Vern

    Maybe I’ll give part 1 another shot. I liked the character and the action but the overall story just rubbed me the wrong way. Part 2 was still straightfaced but WAY more ridiculous, and I appreciate that. CRANK had the ridiculousness but the editing and camera gimmicks took a shit over everything, I hate that fucking movie. Just thinking of it summons my inner Danny Glover’s Dickblood.<p>

    I’m afraid you guys might be disappointed in part 3 but for different reasons than what I mentioned. But hopefully not. Let me know what you think after you’ve seen it.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 12:47 p.m. CST


    by Vern

    I haven’t rewatched Kill Switch since my review, but yes, the different angles were gratuitous. If it was played at a speed and in an order where you could see and appreciate what was going on than it would be humorous, but the way they did it just gets in the way of watching the movie. That movie in general has maybe the worst action editing I’ve ever seen.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 1:06 p.m. CST

    Lola looked like shit in T2

    by Wyr

    She did. She was the nastiest, skankiest, ugliest looking “hot” woman in any action movie I’ve ever seen.

    I dunno, I guess “cracked out and about to die” isn’t a sexy look for me.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 1:26 p.m. CST

    I’m a part one-er

    by Johnno

    The flick was perfect. Part 2 I found too ridiculous, but I still liked it. Sounds like Part 3’s a compromise between the two. I’m sold!

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 2:02 p.m. CST

    Oh, and on the subject of the movie…

    by The-Duke-of-New-York

    Part 2 was fantastic, in my opinion. Exactly what the first should have been. Though, I think many of the problems of the first film could have been solved if only they had kept the part from the trailer where he deflects a missile with a platter.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 3:20 p.m. CST

    I stopped reading…

    by kLkL

    after the first couple of paragraphs. This guy liked T2? Are you shitting me. It was fuckin’ horrible.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 3:31 p.m. CST

    Why am I so prepared to forgive Stratham?

    by My Mom Is A Whore

    He stars in a Uwe Boll movie and yet I say “Oooh! Another action movie with Stratham! I’ll watch that!”<p>I don’t know why I like Jason Stratham but the truth is that I’ll watch almost anything with him in. Maybe it’s because he’s like the eighties action hero that never was or something. I’ll have to figure it out when I’m sitting there watching Transporter 3.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 4:46 p.m. CST

    Doc Pazuzu

    by Continentalop

    So you’re saying that the Transported goes full retard?

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 6:21 p.m. CST

    They should have cast Statham as Kirk

    by palimpsest

    He wouldn’t have stood for no Romulan fucking bullshit from Day One. And certainly wouldn’t have bought it by falling off a bridge.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 7:51 p.m. CST


    by buffywrestling

    I seriously underestimated Trannisporter 2.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 8:27 p.m. CST


    by Bass Bastardson

    I can’t even list the number of things that were total fucking cack about that movie it was so mind meltingly fucking awful. I didn’t like part one much better, but at least it didn’t involve the bad guy trying to unleash a world ending global pandemic to stop some DEA guys from mucking in their drug business. Retarded. Just plain retarded.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:08 p.m. CST


    by Vern

    Yeah, but in a good way, right?

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:18 p.m. CST

    The editing in part 2 sucked

    by Ckuouka

    It was like the editor was on meth or something. The movie was just a series of jump cuts. There was no establishment of space or where anything was happening. The death of the assassin chick was a perfect example of that. I could’ve sworn they cut out a shot when she died because they would just switch from one angle to the next, from different shots. It made my head hurt.

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 10:32 p.m. CST

    you SERIOUSLY liked part II better?

    by Maniaq

    I mean – you’re JOKING right? <p>

    Pt II was like “let’s take a really cool concept and everything that made it cool and SHIT ALL OVER IT” – I dunno, maybe Besson thought instead of trying to just imitate Hong Kong action flicks he should go ahead and get him a Hong Kong director but it was just so… NOT what anyone wanted to see in a sequel… <p>

    I especially hated them turning the French character into an almost Clouseau level caricature. <p>

    Maybe if it was just some standalone flick that had nothing in common with the first I could cheerfully just write it off for being so gloriously BAD but it was not. It was a steaming pile that happened to be sitting on top of a really cool property. <p>

    I was hoping against hope they might have come to their senses and made III a return to form, but if even someone who actually LIKED pt II can’t say anything good about it, well it looks like Besson has managed to sink to all new lows…

  • Nov. 21, 2008, 11:10 p.m. CST

    Sex with crazy chicks

    by Horace Cox

    Sex with crazy chicks is fanfuckingtastic. It’s a *relationship* with a crazy chick that is no fun. I dated a bipolar chick and she was a fucking artist in the sack. But The Ender Smites Foes is correct. Fuck ’em and then RUN!!!

  • Nov. 22, 2008, 7:53 a.m. CST

    I agree with Vern

    by bender7

    Transporter was a dumb movie that was boring but had some action bits. Transporter 2 was a dumb movie but it was all out ridiculous action which in my mind wins out

  • Nov. 23, 2008, 3:48 p.m. CST


    by Die_Hardest

    Yes, and do it at her place, not yours.

  • Nov. 23, 2008, 7:48 p.m. CST

    Crazy chicks

    by Ckuouka

    Jesus christ, I remember this one woman. It was probably about ten years ago, but I’ll never forget her crying when I told her I had to leave for work…after knowing me for two days. Then she proceeded to beep me six times a day, every day, for three months.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 12:11 a.m. CST

    Absolutely despised the first one. Didn’t bother with 2.

    by Paul T. Ryan

    Honestly, I enjoyed Statham’s In The Name of the King more than The Transporter. Movies that dumb should never take themselves so seriously.

  • Nov. 24, 2008, 12:54 a.m. CST


    by Bass Bastardson

    No. Not in a good way.

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 4:50 a.m. CST

    hilarious review, Vern I love you…

    by The Amazing G

    I cracked up at the “watermelon” bit

  • Nov. 25, 2008, 4:50 a.m. CST

    also I like Shoot Em Up, eat shit guys

    by The Amazing G

  • Nov. 26, 2008, 10:57 p.m. CST


    by mr.brownstone

    The best director since Kaos.

  • Nov. 27, 2008, 6:36 a.m. CST

    I´ve only had sex with crazy bitches

    by CuervoJones

    So i don´t know if they are better.

This entry was posted on Friday, November 21st, 2008 at 4:40 am and is filed under Action, AICN, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

10 Responses to “Vern Vs. TRANSPORTER 3!!”

  1. Just watched it and didn’t like it. (I wasn’t a fan of the series anyway, but I watched it because a.) I like Robert Knepper and b.) the DVD hits stores over here on friday and I had to review it for a website.)
    Despite all its obvious flaws, there is one thing that seriously bothers me: Why the fuck did the two men who were supposed to save the politician’s daughter shoot a policeman and stole his navigation system? Did I miss anything?

  2. So I’ve just seen the first episode of the Transporter TV-series (co-produced by HBO and a bunch of international channels), and it’s pretty dire stuff. Post-action all the way. Apparently, they hired Cyril Raffaelli to choreograph the fights, but I guess they could’ve saved that cash and just asked the actors/stunt people to wave their hands around in wild haphazard fashion since all we see of the action are shaky, disjointed snippets. The car chases are repetitive, sluggish trawls, and it seems like the people running this thing decided what people really liked about the Transporter property were the bits of story connecting the action, so the focus is most definitely on them.

    The films were never great to begin with, but the premise could’ve yielded something with at least a smidgen more punch that this tepid bullshit delivers.

  3. Does it have any dialogue like “I want to feel sex one last time?” Because that would be tv gold.

  4. Sadly, no.

    There’s plenty of daftness in there, but nothing of that calibre.
    The girl Frank Transporter’s meant to protect flashes her tits n’ arse about two seconds after she’s met him and, one car ride later, feels that there’s a thing between them. Cue requisite sex scene. Also, the villain is this German sad-sack called “Frieder Trumpf” who tells a handful of boring stories about his child-molesting pa who used to be a conductor with the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra. He later threatens the girl with said conductor’s baton.

    It may sound entertainingly stupid, but it really isn’t.

  5. Just watched Transporter 3 and was sad to realize that it’s total dogshit because I really liked the first two. I had a bad feeling during the first fight when the camera was shaky as shit and there were 4 cuts for every punch thrown. And then when he is riding a bike, he rides up a truck and there is literally like 17 cuts in 5 seconds. I mean, why not just show him riding the goddamned bike up the truck in one clear shot? It really sucks because there were some good flashes of what made the other two good but they were totally ruined by the shitty direction.

    Also, I *hated* the chick in this one. She was even uglier than the “sexy” nurse from part 2.

  6. Let me know how the fourth one is. Was going to watch it until I saw you were rewatching these.

  7. The Undefeated Gaul

    July 6th, 2017 at 4:20 am

    HALLSY, that’s Olivier Megaton for you. He did the exact same thing in TAKEN 2 and COLOMBIANA. Probably my least favorite director I can think of, as he’s being given decent concepts for films that could be fun/good and he turns them into unwatchable crapfests every single time. With TRANSPORTER 3 especially you can tell they shot good, exciting material, but he fucks it up on purpose in the editing. Should legally be considered a crime imho

  8. Woah, I had no idea they even made a fourth one until you said that. I think I might give it a pass though – 15% on RT. Maybe I will just finally get around to watching BLITZ instead.

    Gaul – I will definitely avoid this guy’s other movies. It’s painful to watch.

  9. Transporter: Refueled is actually not that bad, it has an interesting plot and some cool action scenes. Of all the places I guessed they would take the Frank Martin character, “getting into a wacky, bickering adventure with his dad like Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade”, would not be high on the list. Even stranger, they take away any impact or novelty of introducing Frank’s dad by recasting Frank with someone almost 20 years younger than Statham and got someone Statham’s age to play the dad. So basically it should have just been a new character or series, but if you can get over that, it’s not terrible.

    And yes, it’s definitely a step up from 3 and benefits from not being directed by Olivier Megaton. As said earlier, he may be the worst director working today – at least Zack Snyder and Michael Bay can direct the hell out of an action scene (in Bay’s case, sometimes). At least Paul W.S. Anderson seems to have some kind of vision behind what he does. At least Uwe Boll movies are kinda funny. Any “worst directors EVER” list that smugly puts Brett Ratner or McG on it and doesn’t mention Megaton is immediately invalid in my eyes.

  10. McG is disqualified for worst director because be filmed one of the greatest one takes in history.

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