"I'll just get my gear."

Vern’s Got A DVD Review For You! WHO CAN KILL A CHILD?

Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.

Vern and an obscure horror film I’ve never heard of? Sounds like a great read for a Sunday afternoon to me.

Ever since I reviewed the TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE ULTIMATE EDITION I’ve been getting screeners in the mail from MPI Home Video. It’s awfully nice of them but I can’t really review all of them, because they’re mostly stuff like THE DORIS DAY SHOW SEASON 4 or a ten hour documentary about the ’70s or COMIC LEGENDS: PHYLLIS DILLER. But they do send me stuff from their Dark Sky label, the same guys who did the CHAIN SAW dvd. And these guys put out good stuff, lots of weird European horror and action movies, mostly things I never heard of. You know, one of these boutique labels that’s like a DJ, always digging to find some weird gem you didn’t know about. I know alot of people have sunk themselves financially by finding and restoring these old obscurities so I have alot of gratitude to the people who do it. Takin one for the team (the team being a metaphor for the human race in this case).

One thing Dark Sky does is a “Drive-In Double Feature” series (SEARCH AND DESTROY and THE GLOVE comes out this Tuesday) that’s the same concept as GRINDHOUSE but for real: two movies with vintage drive-in intros and trailers in between. Good stuff. Another release this week is THE LAST HUNTER which is a 1980 Vietnam War movie made by Italian exploitation director Antonio Margheriti. It’s kind of trying to be like THE DEER HUNTER but it has more explosions, intestines and funky music. And it’s dubbed. So it’s pretty different.

Who Can Kill a Child?The standout of their new releases is WHO CAN KILL A CHILD?. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “I watch Fox all the time – how come I never seen this show?” But it’s not actually a new reality show, it’s a 1976 Spanish horror film.

I heard of this one before but I didn’t know what it was about. I was always spooked by that title. I like to say it in a quivering voice of outrage, like WHO can kill a CHILD?! WHO?! LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!

Don’t torture a duckling either, by the way.

From the title and the reputation (the press notes claim it’s “one of the most sought after and controversial horror films of all time”) I figured it was a gruesome slasher movie, but actually it’s more of a creepy CHILDREN OF THE DAMNED riff (which explains why the censored American release was called ISLAND OF THE DAMNED). A vacationing English couple (Lewis Fiander and Prunella Ransome) decide to leave the tourist area for a small island called Almanzora. They arrive in their little boat and see some kids fishing, but when they get into town there’s nobody around. Seems like kind of an OMEGA MAN or QUIET EARTH type of situation, except there were those kids on the shore. And since they find an ice cream cart with melted ice cream still in it it this place can’t have been abandoned for too long.

The horror mostly comes from the mood and the mystery, so it takes it’s time getting to the mayhem. The big turning point is about 50 minutes in when they think they see an old man with a cane standing around a corner. Thank God, an adult! But as they approach a little girl comes up, grabs the old man’s cane and beats the hell out of him. The husband tries to ask her what the fuck she’s doing but the girl just giggles. He tries to carry the old man to safety, but he fails. Next thing you know the island kids have a sickle and an old man on a rope and they’re playing pinata.

This, to an adult like me or the protagonists, is a problem. In our opinion these kids are poorly behaved. Plus, the wife is pregnant, and those little bastards don’t deserve a pinata treat like that. So now that the cat is out of the bag they realize they are dealing with a 28 DAYS LATER BABIES type situation. They drive around in a jeep being chased by crazy little fuckers. And if you want to know the answer to the question in the title, I’ll tell you: Tom, played by Mr. Fiander, he can definitely kill a child. I guess that’s where the movie gets the “controversial” and “shocking” label, it is generally a no-no to fire automatic weapons into a crowd of children in a movie. But come on, dude. It was self defense.

There is kind of a twist at the end, and when things come to a head it gets pretty intense. You learn the importance of child proof scissors, which it turns out would protect more than just the child who is using them. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie where a guy stands on a boat swinging at kids like he’s in a batting cage, so I give it points for that. It’s a satisfying conclusion.

The press release says that WHO CAN KILL A CHILD? “influenced many ‘creepy kid’ films to follow including CHILDREN OF THE CORN and John Carpenter’s VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED.” I always thought John Carpenter’s VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED was influenced by the original VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED, but I could be wrong. WHO CAN KILL A CHILD? is not as great as that original, and is obviously derivative of it. But it has the same kind of appeal. It works.

I have been accused recently of being a cranky old man who hates the youth of America. It has been alleged that I rant too often about their ringtones, their short attention spans, their giant sunglasses, their vapid media icons, their materialism, their game show tie-in music, their hedonism and appalling lack of giving a shit about any god damn thing in the world, even as their generation is being shipped off and blown up in an endless war and the laws that are supposed to protect their God-given rights are being chiseled away by corporate whore politicians, and it makes me so mad to think about fuck fuck FUCK! Okay, guilty as charged.

This movie is not exactly about that, but it rings true because of that old vs. young tension. To these adults kids are cute, but they don’t understand them. As soon as they talk to the kids and don’t get a response it’s like they’re talking to aliens. We envy youth, we think of ourselves as younger than we are, we fear getting “too old.” Even here in the movie geek community bygone youth is a constant concern, with people trying to “be ten years old again” by willingly watching brainless pap, or fearing that “their childhood” has been cornholed because somebody made a movie they didn’t like that includes a character that they did like when they were young and stupid. Or me, ranting about those ringtone obsessed little sonofabitches talking during movies. I hate it, but I can’t shut up about it. We have a love hate relationship with the children. We like it when they say the darndest things, we don’t like it when they string us up and cut us with sickles as a fun game.

We are the grownups, they are the children, but we know we can’t control them, we secretly fear that they will defeat us. How long can we really keep them off our lawn? And their vulnerability is their secret weapon. If an adult pisses you off you might be able to punch him, with a kid that would be more of a problem both morally and legally. And that’s how these kids got the island. Because WHO CAN KILL A CHILD?

The one aspect of the movie I did think was going too far was the opening credits. There’s a ten minute narrated montage of newsreel footage about children suffering at Auschwitz and in various wars around the world. I don’t want to say that their concern for these children wasn’t sincere, but jesus. I came to see a horror movie, I don’t want to see that. It’s like one of those Save the Children commercials, except it’s a long time ago so you know it’s too late to send money for these kids. What a bummer. But I guess it shows how the attack of the evil children is revenge for all the suffering their peers have had at the hands of adults. To the adults war is natural, to these kids “playing” is natural. So everybody’s fucked. The whole human race. The whole team.

The transfer looks real nice, the colors remind me of photos from the ’70s more than it reminds me of other movies from the ’70s. There’s an interesting interview with the cinematographer where he explains they were influenced by THE BIRDS and NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD to shoot it like it was real, not expressionistic like a horror movie. The whole movie takes place in broad daylight, which I always like in a horror movie because you don’t see that too much. There’s also a pretty good interview with the director.

Of course, those same spooky young people I fear would be unlikely to appreciate this movie, because it is a slow build and the violent scenes only happen every once in a while. It’s more about a creepy mood and a sense of impending doom than it is about constant thrills and chills. But for those who appreciate this kind of thing, take a look, it’s worth checking out.




p.s. I don’t actually have a lawn I’m just joking with you kids, don’t worry about it please don’t kill me

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/33136

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • June 24, 2007, 8:55 p.m. CST


    by cammywobs


  • June 24, 2007, 8:57 p.m. CST


    by cammywobs

    it’s just so easy

  • June 24, 2007, 8:58 p.m. CST


    by wadi77

  • June 24, 2007, 9:13 p.m. CST

    I got something to stop those kids…

    by AvonBarksdale

    I had it made special. It’s an eighty-eight Magnum. It shoots through schools.

  • June 24, 2007, 9:14 p.m. CST

    I also torture ducklings

    by cammywobs

    and you are not last, sir

  • June 24, 2007, 9:24 p.m. CST


    by Darth Fabulous

    That review was cash money…not as great as Gymkata, but pretty darn close.

  • June 24, 2007, 9:27 p.m. CST

    “How long can we really keep them off our lawn?”

    by JackIsLost

    I’m not sure at all where you were going with this review, Vern, but I hope they remake this film with Dakota Fanning (as long as she dies).

  • June 24, 2007, 9:48 p.m. CST


    by Pound Sand

    Wait, was there a review in this? Better go back and reread it.

  • June 24, 2007, 9:58 p.m. CST

    “people trying to ‘be ten years old again’ …

    by themikejonas

    …by willingly watching brainless pap.” You mean like what most of us will be doing the week after next?

  • June 24, 2007, 9:59 p.m. CST

    I killed a child last week.

    by rbatty024

    Question answered.

  • June 24, 2007, 10:06 p.m. CST

    dead baby jokes in…

    by paragraphs

    T-minus 10, 9, 8….

  • June 24, 2007, 10:07 p.m. CST

    how do you get a dead baby into a bowl?

    by paragraphs

    a blender

  • June 24, 2007, 10:07 p.m. CST

    how do you get him out?

    by paragraphs


  • June 24, 2007, 10:08 p.m. CST

    Did they kill the child because…..

    by classyfredblassy

    He did choose blue ray? Just saying….

  • June 24, 2007, 10:20 p.m. CST

    Q: What’s red and bubbly and claws at the window?

    by Osmosis Jones

    A: A baby in the microwave.

  • June 24, 2007, 10:32 p.m. CST


    by Turd Furgeson

    hahahahahaha!!!! Damn that was funny! You are one twisted fucker!

  • June 24, 2007, 10:44 p.m. CST

    Sounds alright

    by proper

    I went to the Dark Sky site,nice selection,The Beast Must Die is on there,I liked that one as a kid ;).

  • June 24, 2007, 10:54 p.m. CST

    It’s not them on the lawn I worry about…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    It is them being pandered to by Hollywood so the rest of us have to suffer… Oh, wait, wrong thread…<p>

    Have to check this company out, the double feature with trailers sounds great, and I love obscure weird films, I believe a film education should always be ongoing…

  • June 24, 2007, 11:03 p.m. CST

    Vern’s reviews are like an hour at the bus station

    by darthuser

    listening to a homeless man with mental deficiencies who insists on sitting next to you. A homeless man who thinks he’s a riot as he yammers about all kinds of shit you couldn’t care less about.

  • June 24, 2007, 11:07 p.m. CST

    By the way, THE GLOVE

    by Vern

    turned out to be totally worth watching. I didn’t get to it until after writing this review otherwise I would’ve said more about it. That one stars John Saxon as a bounty hunter going after Rosey Grier, who plays an ex-con who’s been attacking prison guards with a riot glove that gives him the power to tear apart cars. That in itself is awesome but what makes it really great is halfway through the movie they start showing Rosey Grier’s life and he turns out to be a really nice guy, and you don’t know who to side with. A real unusual and enjoyable movie. Full review on geocities.com/outlawvern.

  • June 24, 2007, 11:12 p.m. CST

    Darth User

    by Vern

    then give me some spare change and I’ll go away. Or help build a society where mental health care, addiction and poverty are addressed more seriously.

  • June 25, 2007, 12:07 a.m. CST

    GIVE ME WHAT I WANT AND I’LL GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    by Darth Fabulous

    Typically I find that it’s Harry who is yammering “about all kinds of shit you couldn’t care less about”…case in point, FF2. Vern’s reviews are a breath of fresh air hilarity.

  • June 25, 2007, 12:09 a.m. CST


    by Allfather Starr

    You spend an hour at the bus station listening to nutters? You are living the life of a Forrest Gump secondary character. Gutted.

  • June 25, 2007, 12:30 a.m. CST

    Vern should run this damn site.

    by QuinnTheEskimo

    VERN IN ’08!

  • June 25, 2007, 12:37 a.m. CST

    vern is my favorite

    by maluquiro

    person ever.

  • June 25, 2007, 1 a.m. CST

    Here’s why I RESPECT Vern…

    by Dr. Butthole

    I don’t always agree with Vern on everything he says; he’s a lot more liberal than I am and, besides, what kind of person agrees with EVERYTHING someone says? A sad, scary person… My point, however, is that I RESPECT Vern because he is a really smart guy and does his freaking homework. Every time he responds to a talkbacker, he’s respectful, he’s witty (usually more than the bastard deserves) and he makes WELL-INFORMED points. Not to mention the guy is the best/funniest writer on this site. Consider me a Vern fan.

  • June 25, 2007, 1:02 a.m. CST

    Dr. Butthole

    by QuinnTheEskimo

    Right on man

  • June 25, 2007, 1:08 a.m. CST

    By the way…

    by Dr. Butthole

    Vern’s DTV reviews? Pure. Comedy. Gold. Along with his love of Blade: The Series. His letter to Spike brought me to tears…

  • June 25, 2007, 1:27 a.m. CST

    Does anyone want a fan called Dr. Butthole?

    by Alonzo Mosely

    I’m just asking…

  • June 25, 2007, 1:39 a.m. CST

    Vern’s comedy

    by splungiest

    goes over my head. It reminds me of the old Dallas drive-in reviewer Joe Bob Briggs, but not funny and with curse words. But I never laugh at Jeff Foxworthy either, and I was bored by the “Blade” series, so I may not be the intended audience. Maybe Vern writes for the people who think “My Name is Earl” is a funnier than “Arrested Development”?

  • June 25, 2007, 2 a.m. CST

    John Saxon’s the man!

    by Boondock Devil

    Thanks Vern, I’m definately going to see The Glove. Plus the fact that it’s got Roper himself in the movie is just icing on that cake. <p>

    BTW, I enjoy Arrested Development and Vern’s reviews. Go figure. Gob and Gymkata forever.

  • June 25, 2007, 2 a.m. CST

    “Vern should run this damn site.”

    by darth girlfriend

    Vern is already running a site, but I don’t think it’s quite as popular as this one yet. Click on Vern’s name at the end of the review and you’ll get some idea what AICN will turn into when Harry puts Vern in charge of it.

  • June 25, 2007, 2:20 a.m. CST

    And like a complete asshat..

    by Boondock Devil

    ..I would go ahead and spell “Job” wrong. I should get my hand gnawed off by a seal.

  • June 25, 2007, 2:36 a.m. CST

    Don’t Torture A Duckling

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    One of the great film titles, I think. Was that Lucio Fulci? Another one I always loved from that era was Dr Butcher MD (Medical Deviate). The problem I always had was the titles conjured up all sorts of fantastic images and possibilities (where did he go to school to get his degree in medical deviancy?, etc.), but then you see the films and they turn out to be shit. Which is a shame.<p>I might watch this one, but I doubt it’s going to come out over here in England. I’m still waiting for the grand European release of the Chaos DVD…

  • June 25, 2007, 4:04 a.m. CST


    by Vern

    It’s okay, I don’t get your humor either. For example the joke about comparing me to Jeff Foxworthy, I didn’t find that one funny at all.<p>

    Nah, just jerkin your chain, bud. You don’t have to like my writing, although it is an extension of my soul and therefore you don’t like my soul. I don’t know why you and others think I’m some hick – that is not the case at all. I never liked Joe Bob Briggs, I thought he was all jokes and shtick, I am not about that I am attempting to write an actual analysis of the movies. But when I heard Mr. Briggs’s commentary track on I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE I finally understood. At least in that case the guy is great, he has very good insights into that movie and also manages to make it an entertaining experience to watch it again.

  • June 25, 2007, 4:05 a.m. CST

    Sounds good, but…

    by stones_throw

    …they tell the kids are still there because the ice cream hasn’t melted? “The ice cream’s still cold! They’re near!”

  • June 25, 2007, 5:15 a.m. CST

    What’s 10 inches long, and can make a woman cry?

    by TheManWithTooManyNames

    Crib death (cot death).


    Thank you, thank you. And I’m also available for children’s parties.

  • June 25, 2007, 6:17 a.m. CST

    Vern, will you still see/review the new Die Hard?

    by PacmanFever

    I know it must pain you to see your beloved franchise reduced to a watered down piece of shit (statement pending confirmation), but somehow the film’s release wont seem complete without a review from one of the world’s leading McClaneologists.

  • June 25, 2007, 6:19 a.m. CST

    Avon Barksdale…

    by JackPumpkinhead

    Remember to shoot them once. ONCE!

  • June 25, 2007, 6:43 a.m. CST

    What’s Worse than Fucking a dead baby?!?!?!?!!

    by Lord Thislewick

    Fucking a dead baby filled with RAZOR BLADES!!!!!!!!

  • June 25, 2007, 6:46 a.m. CST

    I agree – where is Vern’s Die Hard review?

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    Yours is the only opinion that counts on this matter. These other reviews are okay, but how can we really be sure unless the man who knows and loves Die Hard better than anyone throws in his tuppence worth (or two cents worth, I suppose). We need to know, honestly and truly, whether this new film starring Bruce Willis as a man named John McClane dies with sufficient hardness, or whether it is Ellis.<p>All of Ain’t It Cool News is waiting…

  • June 25, 2007, 7:15 a.m. CST

    patience Franklin…

    by just pillow talk

    It has been promised opening day…<p>Swinging at kids like you’re in a batting cage…ahhhh, the good old days…

  • June 25, 2007, 7:22 a.m. CST

    In our opinion these kids are poorly behaved.

    by TELF

    That tickled me so much and I’m not even sure why. The Vern magic in full effect. Kids are a problem. They don’t respect reasoned argument, and if I karate chop them I’M the asshole! What to do…?

  • June 25, 2007, 7:32 a.m. CST

    Will Smith could remake this with his own son!

    by Spandau Belly

    Since he’s already doing The Omega Man and loves acting with his kid I think this would be a really great movie for him to remake. I think it would be really shocking for audiences to see Will Smith killing his own real son on screen. Kinda like seeing Henry Fonda play the baddest villian of all time in Once Upon a Time in The West. Consider it, Mr. Fresh Prince!

  • June 25, 2007, 7:40 a.m. CST

    And I disagree with Vern’s opinion on DH4 counting

    by Spandau Belly

    I mean, I love Vern’s writing and all. But he really liked the other two crappy Die Hard sequels. I’m not going to be one of those talkback assholes who says “you liked Fantastic Four therefore your opinion on Saw 2 is irrelevant”, but I think it’s fair to say Vern has a way softer spot than most for ol’ McClane and that a Vern recommendation on that film wouldn’t carry much weight with me. I’m interested to hear Vern talk about Die Hard 4, just to hear the interpretation of a true McClaniac (I think I just coined that term) but he won’t get me to see that film in the cinema.

  • June 25, 2007, 8:24 a.m. CST

    I’m surprised…

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    …at the number of people who’ve said they’re flat out not going to see this one at the cinema. Can it be true? It’s still Die Hard, and I still want to see it for myself as soon as possible – even if it is a horrible disappointment.<p>It seems like if people can turn out in their gazillions to watch those fucking awful Star Wars prequels, they ought to show up for this one.<p>P.S. I’ve read Vern’s reviews of Die Hards 1 and 2, Spandau, and I pretty much agreed with them. Hopefully, that means I’ll agree with his thoughts on this fourth one.<p>Spandau Belly mini-p.s. Thanks for the tip on Anything Else, by the way. You were right – it was a good one.

  • June 25, 2007, 8:41 a.m. CST

    Eli Roth Has Been Babbling About This Movie for a While

    by heywood jablomie

    ….probably because Quentin kept talking about it before withdrawing his flaccid schlong from Eli’s poopchute.

  • June 25, 2007, 8:56 a.m. CST

    Franko Marmo

    by Spandau Belly

    I’m glad you enjoyed Anything Else. And I don’t hate the Die Hard sequels to death, I just find them kinda lame. I actually had an email corespondance with Vern after he undervalued Lethal Weapon in something he wrote and we talked a lot about Die Hard 3 and I could see where he was coming from in terms of what he liked about it but still find it a weak and uneven movie with the worst epilogue-style ending ever.<br><br>There was a talkbacker here doing these equations for why Die Hard 4 would suck. They would go something like Len Wiseman + Kevin Smith + not at Christmas time + PG13 = bad sequel, and I couldn’t help but feel his equations rang true.<br><br>In a totally wacky sidenote I would like to present my equation: Michael Bay’s terrible direction + 80s cartoon I never watched + no actors I feel anything about + bunch o’ CG = Transformers movie that against all my better judgement and logic I inexplicably really want to see. So go figure!

  • June 25, 2007, 9:21 a.m. CST

    I agree with you twice, Spandau Belly

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    Die Hard 3 goes horribly wrong toward the end, which is a shame because I liked it a lot up to that point. And what the fuck is up with that aspirin bottle business? That has to be one of the worst examples of writing by an adult I’ve seen in a film. That and all of Crank.<p>Also, I totally agree with your Transformers equation. The only thing that film has that interests me even a tiny bit is John Turturro (Nobody fucks with the Jesus and that), but everything else does nothing for me. And yet, I will probably be going along to check it out. I reckon it’s a side effect of spending too much time in the AICN talkbacks. I’ve read so many different opinions about it, and now I want to see what all the fuss is about. Also, possibly I will make sarcastic comments about it afterwards.

  • June 25, 2007, 9:47 a.m. CST

    Bad writing in Crank?

    by Spandau Belly

    I mean come on! Amy Smart’s character had so many layers. I’ll bet Pedro Almodovar shit his pants when he saw that movie and realized that there was a new kid on the block who could rival him in writing female characters.<br><br>I’ll also bet that Tom Tykwer saw Crank and realized that Run Lola Run needed more racist jokes and a less sympathetic protagonist. Maybe when he comes back Drive Lola Drive he’ll co-write with Spike Lee.

  • June 25, 2007, 10:02 a.m. CST

    Die Hard 3 versus Face/Off

    by Spandau Belly

    You know how in the chapel at the end of Face/Off it feels like everything’s been resolved and the movie is ending but then they tack on a speedboat chase and it seemed like they just did it because they had money left over? Die Hard 3 is the opposite. It felt like there was about to be an awesome speedboat (or ‘gofast boat’ for you kids in Miami) but they ran out of money and just wrapped things up with McClane pointlessly accompanying a perfectly competant SWAT team to Canada for a non-action sequence. They could’ve at least pulled a Sergio Leone and made the non-action feel more intense by resorting to Leone’s low budget classics such as prolonged starring contests but they just rush through it drag Gruber 2 off in a squad car. Worst ending ever.

  • June 25, 2007, 10:31 a.m. CST

    ¡Viva Chicho!

    by CuervoJones

    This is one of the best movies ever done in my country. The director is also the creator of the most famous tv-show in the history of spanish television, the family-oriented 1,2,3.

  • June 25, 2007, 10:49 a.m. CST

    “I don’t know why you and others think I’m some hick”

    by darth girlfriend

    I spot at least two contributing factors:

    <br><br> 1. You ascribe a disproportionate quantity of virtue to big-screen gore and violence.

    <br><br> 2. You write like a hillbilly. Hint: “alot” is not a word.

  • June 25, 2007, 11:02 a.m. CST

    Eli Roth could remake this…

    by Stalin vs Predator

    And retitle it to “I Could Kill A Child In Hostel II And It Still Did Not Cause Enough Of A Scandal To Promote It And Then It Tanked, I Mean What The Fuck, It’s Those Damn Pirates And I Don’t Mean The Caribbean Ones Although They Probably Hurt Me Too So Apologize And Buy My DVDs Or You Will Not See Another Movie Of Mine For A Year And I Mean It Goddammit”

  • June 25, 2007, 11:41 a.m. CST


    by Kloipy

    Again man, thanks for a real review, not some studio shilling bullshit we tend to get in here lately. I value your opinion when choosing what to see over anyone in here. Thanks for not shoveling it in our mouths. Also, doesn anyone else here think it’s hilarious that a couple months ago AICN was all up in arms about the Captivity billboards saying how wrong it was for children to see it. And now the header for this site is a link to Captivity? Hypocrites

  • June 25, 2007, 12:08 p.m. CST

    My favorite scene

    by billfro

    I love the happy clam reunion between the man the marrieds come across and his young daughter, who convinces him to go with her to be with the mother (or something). That shot of them walking out along the road and then turning the corner around a building and out of sight… and the screams! Great scene. You’re right, Vern. That opening was enough to make me put off watching it until the following day. On the back of the VHS box I rented at Scarecrow it made mention of that opening being one of the elements that distinguished that release from the censored version. They should have left it out.

  • June 25, 2007, 1:22 p.m. CST

    Anyone remember “The Children”?

    by Cellar Door

    Lovely little 1980 gem: http://tinyurl.com/2w6d2j

    Kids on a schoolbus…bus enters green radioactive cloud…kids turn into black fingernailed zombies who charbroil anyone they hug. Classic!

  • June 25, 2007, 2:49 p.m. CST

    I leak a little pee…


    Every time I read a Vern review. Sadly I leak a little more each each time as old age takes hold but there’s no denying his comedy genius.

  • June 25, 2007, 3:22 p.m. CST

    I salute you, sir.

    by Gilkuliehe

    I saw this movie with my dad when I was like ten years old and I remember being scared shitless. Since then I’ve been looking for it and boring people to death with my stories. Now my man Vern brings the good news of a proper DVD release and throws and extra excellent review. I respect you, sir. Very much. (You deserve a fucking medal for that thing you wrote in your SAW review… About this avid fart editing style in horror). Vern, please never die.

  • June 25, 2007, 3:43 p.m. CST

    Well done

    by Super Rabbi

    ‘The press release says that WHO CAN KILL A CHILD? “influenced many ‘creepy kid’ films to follow including CHILDREN OF THE CORN and John Carpenter’s VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED.” I always thought John Carpenter’s VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED was influenced by the original VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED, but I could be wrong.’

    I’m still laughing my ass off. Nice review!

  • June 25, 2007, 5:21 p.m. CST

    A Marine is asked…

    by idahomer

    “How can you kill women and children?”<p>

    He replies, “You just don’t lead them as much.”

  • June 25, 2007, 5:59 p.m. CST

    i got this dvd too

    by The Real MiraJeff

    and plan on giving it a look-see. trying to revisit some old classics after watching cannibal holocaust last month

    want an unsolicited reccommendation? rent the abominable dr. phibes, vincent price is the man, and tell me that movie isn’t perfect remake material

  • June 25, 2007, 6:04 p.m. CST

    Why did the dead baby cross the road?

    by RedEyeDistrict

    Cuz it was stapled to the chicken.

  • June 25, 2007, 7:27 p.m. CST

    No way Mirajeff

    by Vern

    Is there anybody who could replace Vincent Price? No. If that person did exist, would they be hired to star in the remake? Not a god damn chance.<p>

    A while back I read that Chris Columbus (!) was going to remake my favorite Vincent Price movie, THEATER OF BLOOD. I can’t remember whether they said it was gonna star Robin Williams, or if that was just my worst nightmare. Anyway, point is, Chris Columbus actually said he was gonna make it “more family friendly.” A black comedy about a guy murdering theater critics in methods taken from Shakespeare plays.<p>

    We’re all lucky it didn’t happen. So don’t give them any more brilliant ideas.

  • June 25, 2007, 8:04 p.m. CST

    Vern, thank you for feeding my soul.

    by Bronx Cheer

    By the way, I told Chris C that if he dared touch “Theater of Blood” that I would…well, let’s just say that the thought of me dressing up like a Mermaid and singing “Theme from Mahogany” nonstop outside his home convinced him to drop the remake idea.

  • June 25, 2007, 10:32 p.m. CST

    Same joke, four hours later.

    by Allfather Starr


  • June 25, 2007, 11:39 p.m. CST

    I fucking love Theater of Blood…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    That is right on the ‘remake this at your peril motherfuckers, I can get a gun you know’ list…

  • June 26, 2007, 12:08 p.m. CST

    Who can kill a child?…

    by DallasGoodbar

    Bobby Cutts, Jr. and Chris Benoit

  • June 26, 2007, 12:11 p.m. CST

    Isaiah Washington as Bobby Cutts, Jr.

    by DallasGoodbar

    in a Lifetime Movie of the Week. Playing a bad guy would revitalize his career. Maybe Joe Rogan can play Chris Benoit and they can join forces to become the ultimate killing machine. “Who Can Kill A Nursery?” Apparently they both can…along with the mothers.

  • July 1, 2007, 11:14 p.m. CST

    Is this an updated version of the Benoit DVD?

    by Pops Freshemeyer

    If so, that’s pretty harsh.

  • July 5, 2007, 7:49 p.m. CST


    by conoflowww

    I’m sold on your website after the Transformers review. Nice work. I’m glad I have something else to read when I’m bored at work.

  • July 10, 2007, 11 a.m. CST

    We love you Vern!

    by Psynapse

    Me, Myself, and I that is. Haters can suck my balls….

  • Aug. 4, 2007, 8:53 a.m. CST

    incredible film

    by prisamata

    now watch my trailer, you muddas: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eV1wJEJuUBM

  • Aug. 22, 2007, 5:58 a.m. CST

    Hey Vern, you seriously don’t know why people think

    by Walterego

    that you’re a hick? It’s because you name is Vern. A name foverer linked to Ernest P. Worrell. The whole Ernest shtick before he started doing cheesy movies that were usually hilarious if you were around 14, began with him doing commercials talking to his buddy Vern. That’s why he was simply known as the “hey Vern” guy. But surely you already know that. Are you saying that Vern is your real name and you aren’t consciously referencing the Ernest movies/commercials and other hick characters named Vern? Because I just assumed the opposite, that your real name is Dwight or Lawrence, and Vern was your “nom de plume” as the Belgians say.

This entry was posted on Sunday, June 24th, 2007 at 8:52 pm and is filed under AICN, Horror, Mystery, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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