a survey of summer movies that just didn’t catch on
“Are you tellin us that you’re gonna arrest a guy for bein a plumber? Get outta here!”
May 28, 1993
Okay, look. I’m not claiming to know a better way to make a live action movie based on a video game about an Italian plumber eating mushrooms, punching bricks and murdering hundreds and hundreds of turtles but also collecting coins while trying to rescue a princess. And seeing how directors Rocky Morton and Annabel Jankel reimagine the world of the famous Nintendo game as a dystopic Manhattan in an alternate dimension where people evolved out of dinosaurs is the closest thing to fun this movie has to offer.
VERN has a new action-horror novel out called WORM ON A HOOK! He has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the film criticism books Seagalogy: A Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagaland Yippee Ki-Yay Moviegoer!: Writings on Bruce Willis, Badass Cinema and Other Important Topics as well as the crime novel Niketown.
In the story of Snow White, if you remember, the huntsman is the guy who the evil queen sends to bring Snow White out into the woods and murder her. He’s gonna do it, ’cause work is work, but then he looks at her and falls in love with her beauty or is touched by her innocence or what have you and he just doesn’t have the stomach to, you know, cut open her stomach. (If she was ugly this would be a shorter tale). The Queen wants to know for sure the girl is dead but probly thinks it would be rude to make this guy haul back the whole body, so as a compromise she asks him to bring back some organs (lungs and liver in the original, heart in the Disney version) so he carves up a pig and brings her impostor parts.
In this new movie-fication of the story the huntsman (Chris THOR Hemsworth) has to go find Snow White (Kristen PANIC ROOM Stewart) in the woods and bring the heart back to the Queen (Charlize Theron) because she needs it to magically stay young forever. He doesn’t know who the girl is and there’s not much tension like he’s really gonna kill her, he just doesn’t do it and then they travel on one of those slow, boring fantasy journeys occasionally enlivened by monster appearances. No pigs are harmed. (read the rest of this shit…)
VERN has a new action-horror novel out called WORM ON A HOOK! He has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the film criticism books Seagalogy: A Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagaland Yippee Ki-Yay Moviegoer!: Writings on Bruce Willis, Badass Cinema and Other Important Topics as well as the crime novel Niketown.
I guess I got a nuanced view on these Robert Zemeckis “mo-cap” movies. I think he’s kind of delusional if he really thinks this is the future of movies, and I was complaining about the creepiness of attempted realism in POLAR EXPRESS (and earlier in FINAL FANTASY) long before it was a common complaint with the name “uncanny valley.” When it comes to being creeped out by dead-eyed computer animation, I’m NWA and mainstream critics are Ja Rule or somebody.
On the other hand, I kind of love POLAR EXPRESS and BEOWULF and paid to see both of them twice in the theater. Never on DVD, but I’d gladly go back to see either if they were re-released in 3-D again. I love the strong atmosphere of these worlds that Zemeckis creates, and the way he moves the camera around them. I guess here he’s God and the only way He knows to show us things is through His perspective, so we can float through every crack or groove on a wall or hover high into the sky looking down on the settings and characters like they’re ants in our ant farm. (read the rest of this shit…)
VERN has a new action-horror novel out called WORM ON A HOOK! He has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the film criticism books Seagalogy: A Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagaland Yippee Ki-Yay Moviegoer!: Writings on Bruce Willis, Badass Cinema and Other Important Topics as well as the crime novel Niketown.
This is just your typical martial arts vehicle where the star (in this case Jet Li) has been raised like an animal in a cage and wears a collar and he’s trained by Bob Hoskins so that when the collar comes off he goes ape shit and beats the holy living fuck out of people that owe Bob Hoskins money. But then obviously he meets a blind piano tuner played by a respected Oscar winning actor (in this case Morgan Freeman) who teaches him about music and then the piano tuner’s stepdaughter teaches him to eat ice cream and then she gets her braces taken off so he becomes non-violent and refuses to fight in high stakes death matches.
Actually come to think of it this is not a typical martial arts movie at all, it’s pretty fuckin weird and that’s what I liked about it. Despite HERO I’m still pretty skeptical of new Jet Li movies, especially when he’s speaking the english type language. This is a good not great movie, but it’s a great move for Mr. Li because he plays a distinct character, he really gets to act, he fights in a different style and he even gets to put a sincere anti-violence message in there. (read the rest of this shit…)
VERN has a new action-horror novel out called WORM ON A HOOK! He has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the film criticism books Seagalogy: A Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagaland Yippee Ki-Yay Moviegoer!: Writings on Bruce Willis, Badass Cinema and Other Important Topics as well as the crime novel Niketown.
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The Winchester on Worm on a Hook: “CJ, I’m sure it would be fine if you bought another copy!” Jan 15, 10:06
jojo on The Last Boy Scout (revisited): “Did you know Brad T from the music floor? Uhhh… maybe? Really, the only person from Kim’s that I could…” Jan 15, 10:05
A.L.F. on The Last Boy Scout (revisited): “Oh yeah, jojo, P.S. – Did you ever have a chance sing karaoke in the old rentals section since its…” Jan 15, 09:05
A.L.F. on The Last Boy Scout (revisited): “borg9 – Wow, I am extremely jealous in the friendliest way possible. Big fan of King Sunny here. I would…” Jan 15, 09:00
geoffreyjar on StreetDance 2: ““Sofia Boutella is in the new American film to the crazy Japanese director Sion Sono, called Prisoners of Ghostland starring…” Jan 15, 08:52
jojo on The Last Boy Scout (revisited): “Oh, I was there for about 6 months in like ’99-’00 (??-Maybe shift that to ’98-’99…), so if there were…” Jan 15, 07:48
CJ Holden on Worm on a Hook: “I admit I still haven’t read it and it’s because I can’t find it anymore. No worries, it’s somewhere in…” Jan 15, 07:22
A.L.F. on The Last Boy Scout (revisited): “Dang, jojo, what eras? My apologies for leaving you out of my list of awesome folks, I always enjoy your…” Jan 15, 07:22
Carter Blake on Worm on a Hook: “Mine arrived here to Finland today from German Amazon, very excited to get this going” Jan 15, 06:41
jojo on The Last Boy Scout (revisited): “I’m assuming you worked at Kim’s? I remember everybody who worked there was an asshole except one guy who was…” Jan 15, 05:42
Ghost on StreetDance 2: “I think a lot of European actors disappear from Hollywood films, because it’s so different from Europea, and they don’t…” Jan 15, 04:04
Borg9 on The Last Boy Scout (revisited): “A.L.F., I’ve not seen O.C. AND STIGGS and I am fairly sure it never got a theatrical release anyway near…” Jan 15, 03:16
CJ Holden on StreetDance 2: “I agree, but I also fear that her “Hey audiences, how do you like this actress? Love, Hollywood” phase, where…” Jan 14, 22:10
I guess I got a nuanced view on these Robert Zemeckis “mo-cap” movies. I think he’s kind of delusional if he really thinks this is the future of movies, and I was complaining about the creepiness of attempted realism in POLAR EXPRESS (and earlier in FINAL FANTASY) long before it was a common complaint with the name “uncanny valley.” When it comes to being creeped out by dead-eyed computer animation, I’m NWA and mainstream critics are Ja Rule or somebody.
(or DANNY THE DOG if you’re in Europe)
