Archive for the ‘Vern Tells It Like It Is’ Category

I have seen the future of Badass pictures

Monday, May 22nd, 2000

Last week I wrote about Ridley Scott and about how that fucker isn’t really all that hot especially in the case of his new one Alligator. And some of you may have been wondering, “Okay then, Vern, WHO is a director to look out for? Who can we count on to take the place of Ridley Scott if he’s never going to make a good movie again, the fucker?”

I mean I’m surprised none of you e-mailed me with that question, but then again I’m pretty sure nobody reads my column anyway. Assholes. (read the rest of this shit…)


Monday, May 15th, 2000

Well here it is, the big three oh and I’m sorry to say boys, I’m gonna have to say something that some of you won’t like. Although the gals probaly won’t mind. What I have to say is that Ridley Scott is not that fucking great, jesus fucking christ.

I mean it seems like I’ve been reading about Gladiator over there on the Ain’t It Cool News and in the newsgroups since I was a young man and these motherfuckers will NOT stop drooling about Ridley Scott. Ridley Scott’s gonna bring back the gladiator movies. Ridley Scott’s gonna direct a vampire movie. Ridley’s Scott’s gonna come to my Red Dwarf marathon blah blah blah. Like the man was Clint Eastwood personified.

Now I admit, there are some good pictures this guy made about twenty years ago. One of them is Alien, a scary space movie which takes Yaphet Kotto’s character from Blue Collar into outer space. The other is Blade Runner, which is the one about the robot detective.

But I mean, there are alot of people who did something good twenty years ago. I remember I gave my old lady a ride to church one day, for one example. But that don’t mean my shit don’t need flushin and I feel the same can be said for Ridley Scott and his shit in my opinion. (read the rest of this shit…)

Jockey Slut and Slam

Monday, May 8th, 2000

Well shit guys I don’t know what to tell you, I have trouble keeping up with the column anymore. That is why I am a day late. I am old and out of touch but to be frankly honest I think I can still take on most of the younger movie critics, not only physically but even writing wise. I challenge for example any of the motherfuckers from entertainment weekly, people magazine, etc. Except Mike D’Angelo, he is pretty good in my opinion, not sure about the fighting skills but I will keep you posted.

Shit listen to me talking about I’m a day late. I sound like your girlfriend. (read the rest of this shit…)

The Vern has risen

Monday, April 24th, 2000

First of all, before I get into the holy religious holiday of Easter and all, I want to say WHO THE FUCK is this jackass Chris Gore, and how many times should I stab him? If I was a violent person. You see today I was watching the FX channel over there on the cable, minding my own business, when suddenly I see this ad for The Man Show or whatever his thing is called. Now I have seen this show before and the less I say about it the better. So I will tell you a lot about it. It is shit. I will get into that in a minute.

Let me just mention as an aside, a dude in the guestbook says I was featured in a british dancing music magazine called Jockey Slut. Was Chris Gore ever in Jockey Slut? I don’t think so. Was Harvey S. Karten ever in Jockey Slut? I don’t think so. Was I? According to this guy, yes. If somebody could please send me a scan of this or something I would REALLY fucking appreciate it. (read the rest of this shit…)

American Psychos

Monday, April 17th, 2000

This week I decided to take the day off from my World Badass Studies to give a nod to my boys in the horror community. You see back when many of the movie type newsgroups rejected me on account of my harsh language and telling it like it is, etc. I posted a review of the “Sleepy Hollow” over there in the horror newsgroup and you know what happened? Those motherfuckers welcomed me with the openest arms you ever seen on the internet. Those were some of the nicest motherfuckers ever in my opinion. I don’t know what the deal is, they watch the gals getting their tongues ripped out and zombies eating a guy’s balls or whatever, then when they’re ready to call it a day they go online and there’s ol’ Vern and they treat him like just one of the boys. Bunch of sweethearts if you ask me. (read the rest of this shit…)

Badasses of world Cinema

Monday, April 10th, 2000

Well ladies and gentlemen I would like to thank all of you who responded to my last column, letting me know about some of the Badass pictures and the Badasses of the world that I should study. That’s right I would like to personally thank each and every one of the two motherfuckers that helped me out. Jeff and Brian you know who you are.

Jeff gave me some tips on some more Lee Marvin, Billy Jack and Charles Bronson pictures to examine in the near future. Jeff I will definitely be on the lookout and keeping my ears peeled for Mr. Majestyk, Born Losers and etc. Brian didn’t go into the specifics about the pictures but he told me about a couple foreign language Badasses who he felt had bodies of work worthy of study. (read the rest of this shit…)

Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai

Monday, April 3rd, 2000

First off folks I would like to apologize from the deepest recesses of my big ol’ outlaw heart for getting this column in late. I know some of you really count on the punctuality of this particular column Vern Tell’s It Like It Is and if it is not ready for you on monday morning it throws off your whole damn week. Without my artistical Cinematic musings, my down to earth stories and advice, you are not ready to begin your week.

Oh who the fuck am I fooling, nobody knows this but this column usually goes up early Monday morning, but this time it was late. If anyone noticed then sorry bud. Remember it comes out on monday gang please read it regularly. jesus.

Anyway, the reason why I was late can be blamed on one individual named Ghost Dog and his picture Way of the Samurai. You see ever since seeing this picture I have been trying to be more open to the different ways of the individuals in different parts of the world, cultures, etc. I think Ghost Dog has a very good point that it is time people started learning from people who are different from them, from the chinese circus acrobats who swing from their hair to the dude in El Topo who has no legs who is strapped to the back of the dude with no arms.

We as americans must stop taking everything so literally man. Just cause a guy is a shaolin monk or a guy with blue hair does not mean you can’t exchange tips on how to live life. I think a cowboy or an astronaut could go out for a drink with say a ninja or a ballerina, and could learn from their ways. This does not mean the astronaut starts wearing a tutu underneath the astro-suit, or even that he does ballet moves while floating through outer space. What I’m talking about is they can get to the core of the thing, the understanding. They can learn from the philosophy or the attitude and figure out how to apply it to their own life. I mean imagine if Clint Eastwood in the westerns had learned how to look at life the same was as a ninja. I mean jesus he would be unstoppable, that motherfucker. I almost don’t even wanna think about it. (read the rest of this shit…)

Oscar Sez

Monday, March 27th, 2000

Well the award season has finally came and went and it turns out there is no surprises. American Beauty won everything, Fight Club won nothing, and that Billy Crystal motherfucker hasn’t come up with a new joke since Running Scared. I mean jesus how do they find these comedy stars. Motherfucker keeps making jokes about the show is too long – hello jackass, if we cut out all the jokes about how long it is it wouldn’t be long at all. Not to mention all the forced pop culture references – who wants to be a millionaire, etc. I’ve been out of the picture for almost a decade I still could’ve predicted this bitch’s jokes with a calculator and a couple issues of Entertainment Weekly.

I also watched the Independent Spirit Awards on the old Bravo channel, and those were more where I’m coming from in my opinion. But the difference comedy wise is this. On the Oscars, they cut to people in the audience laughing their asses off at the stalest jokes imaginable. I mean these people are being too nice, you could be up there reading Marmaduke and they’d be laughing like you were Richard Pryor. (read the rest of this shit…)

pre-Oscar thoughts

Monday, March 20th, 2000

Well looks like I won’t need to watch the Oscars after all, one of my buds just got in a truckload of Oscar statues and we’re gonna pass them out to deserving motherfuckers on the street. If you feel you have been neglected in the past, this includes Al Hitchcock, Stanley Kubrick, Sam Peckinpah etc., please show up on 5th and Stewart Sunday evening.

No just kidding bud, I wish. But the truth is I am getting a little nervous, I am feeling the butterflies in the stomach because like I said I can’t remember the last time I watched the Oscars. It’s been a while and I hope this is a good one.

So this week’s column, well I gotta be honest you might as well skip it because all I’m gonna do is talk about the Oscars and who should win and what not. I mean seriously sorry about this folks this is all I have. I like to think of myself as a creative individual but even the creativest motherfucker around has an off day every once in a while, or pretty often in my case, most often on the day I write my weekly column. But the rest of the week, I mean, you should see it. (read the rest of this shit…)

3 Strikes

Monday, March 13th, 2000

First off I would like to offer up my sincerest apologies, condolences and what not for the tarditude of this particular column, which is one day late (it usually comes out early Monday, thanks for paying attention motherfucker). But I think when you find out what I have been cookin up for you you will understand why it was necessary and WELL fucking worth the wait.

You see we here at Vern Tell’s It Like It Is, and by that I mean me, have been working very hard to bring to you an exclusive, a review of a movie that almost none of the other film Writers have been able to cover. It took a lot of work to find this movie and I hope you will give a motherfucker credit for going out of his way for the art of Cinema. What you are about to read about is a small independent picture which deals with issues that are very important to me. It is a picture called Three Strikes.

What this is is a low budget “hood” comedy starring Brian Hooks and a bunch of other motherfuckers you never seen or heard of before. It is written plus directed by a dude called D.J. Pooh which, good god I feel sorry for a man with a name like that, imagine what the kids said about him when he was growing up. You don’t even have to come up with something that rhymes with “pooh,” the joke is already written.

Now the reason this movie has not been covered before today has to do with a little thing called “critics are a bunch of fucking pussies.” As you probaly know, critics have an arrangement with the publicists so that they can get passes to see movies for free before they come out. This is convenient because they can publish the review the day the movie comes out, and they don’t have to waste their piddly salary seeing Runaway Bride and what not. (read the rest of this shit…)