“I’m Paul Barlow, and this is my daughter Jo.”

“Malone.”

“You got a first name?”

“Yeah.”

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (Patreon bonus business)

My friends, we have come to the penultimate chapter in the special Patreon-only Twilight Saga Review Saga. In Twilight Part 4a there’s a big wedding, destructive humping, and some truly creepy birth related stuff. This one is directed by Bill Condon (GODS AND MONSTERS) and he does his thing with it.

CLICK HERE FOR THE REVIEW

or to sign up to pay as low as a dollar to support my writing, with the side benefit of reading these reviews.

Thanks!

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 6th, 2018 at 2:03 pm and is filed under Horror, Reviews, Romance. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

18 Responses to “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (Patreon bonus business)”

  1. The wedding and honeymoon shit almost killed me on this one. There’s little in this world I hate more than the Matrimonial-Industrial Complex, which tells everyone that the best way for a couple to start a life together in these uncertain times is to go tens of thousands of dollars into debt on a party that nobody wants to go to anyway. It was hilarious how they tried to go the “Oh, I’m just a simple girl, no need to make a big fuss over me” route and then they show us this multimillion dollar affair that took a team of dozens to pull off. I’m betting there was an uptick in wedding planner suicides the year this came out from trying to keep up with the Cullens. We’re talking the Basic Bitch Super Bowl here.

    That said, the only reason I undertook the endeavor of suffering through these pieces of shit in the first place was to see them bite that fucking monster baby out of her with my own eyes, because holy shit. That’s some Cronenbergian body horror right there, but I’d been told it was supposed to be…romantic? Or something. Whatever, they botched the execution just like they always do. But let’s consider the very fact of this impossible pregnancy. To me, it takes the wish fulfillment and utter lack of storytelling integrity to new levels. You know, because the kind of dilly broads who are gonna eat up this uncritical romantic horsecrap are also gonna go nutso over babies, so how can we have a happy ending if Bella ends up with marrying Edward but she (gasp!) can’t bear him children? Would she even really be a woman? Well, don’t worry about it, because it turns out she can get pregnant! Right away even! How? Oh, don’t worry your pretty little head about it. Isn’t the dress stunning? Just exactly what a tomboy like Bella with no fashion sense and no personality would wear, don’t you think? Isn’t it great NEVER HAVING TO MAKE A CHOICE WITH ANY CONSEQUENCES WHATSOEVER? That’s what true love is!

    Anyway, so the total commitment to pandering continues with this absurd imprinting thing. Because there’s no way it’s there just because it’s a weird detail about werewolf culture. It’s there because our illustrious author couldn’t allow Team Jacob to be disappointed that their candidate didn’t get Bella, and since she couldn’t be bothered to introduce any other female characters that might distract from The Most Attractive And Irresistible Plain Jane In The World, she had to concoct a way to give him Bella 2.0, even if she’s just a baby. The matter of whether said baby is allowed to have any agency at all in this decision to betroth a newborn to a shirtless monster man less than five minutes after she is born is of no importance to this author. The important thing is that the handsome man with the chest muscles does not feel lonely. That’s how fully embedded in the values of the patriarchy this story is: It would rather give a werewolf a child bride than a male character blue balls.

    I mean, holy shit. Hole. Ee. Shit.

  2. I remember being extremely disappointed by this part. I mean, this is a series that even in its better outings is really awful and “problematic”. But after the surprisingly watchable part 3, that made me realize: “Hey, if you put a real villain in the script and place an autheur (even if it’s not a great one) on the director’s chair, they don’t suck (No vampire pun intended. Or was it?) THAT bad. Then they hand this one to Bill Fucking Condon and although I knew that he only did it as an easy way to improve his Hollywood clout (Doesn’t matter if your last movie was good, if it made a gazillion dollar, your job becomes easier for a while), it was just back to the cheesy romance shit. (I’m not against cheesy romance shit in general, but this here? Oh boy…)

    But I have to admit that at this point I liked the difficult frenemyship between the vampires and the wolves. It’s without a doubt the highlight of the saga. This and Billy Burke, who gives the best not-mega acting performance of the series and should’Ve gotten more screentime IMO.

    (I’m team Jacob btw, because Edward is an asshole. Well, that Jacob seems to be attracted to babies made me leave his team too.)

    Also I obviously didn’t watch the extended version, because I sure as hell would remember the wedding cake.

  3. I was really hoping after they found out there were also werewolves living next door, they would find out in the last one that a family of sexy Mummies or Creatures From The Black Lagoon or Phantoms of the Opera also happened to live within 10 miles of Folks, Washington. No dice though, it looks like.

  4. Is a sexy Mummy still a MILF?

  5. CJ — I believe that is the correct technical term, yes. It certainly rolls off the tongue a little better than CFtBLILTF.

    Also, since we’re discussing things here, I have zero knowledge of the TWILIGHT-verse other than what I’ve been reading in these reviews, but wait a second, are Vampires undead or not? I mean, does Edward having living sperm cells in his body, or what?

  6. IRC vampires can have babies in the books, it’s just the high vampire council made a rule against it since it gives the game away too easily.

  7. IIRC*

    Maybe I blanked it out but I don’t think Meyer gets too specific into the working biology of a vampire. It’s mostly concerned about vegetarian versus human blood drinking vampires. Gold eyed v Red eyed.

  8. I mean, how does his glittery dick even get hard without a heart pumping blood? I’m beginning to think this whole thing makes no sense.

  9. Since vampires can be killed with a stake through the heart (I just assume this also goes for these vampires), I assume that their heart still does something.

  10. Vampire biology has always been suspect. They’re dead yet get different haircuts. They have no heartbeat yet they bleed. They have no body heat yet women want to fuck them. That last one I find most suspect. I guarantee these ladies who are all about vampire lovin’ in the abstract would change their tune the second one tried to lay his cold hands on their bare skin. It’d be like getting fondled by a couple of pork chops that were left out on the counter all night. If you can’t handle a warm-blooded human man’s cold feet brushing against you under the covers, how are you gonna handle a giant slab of room-temperature flesh lying on top of you?

    If it wasn’t for all the macho bullshit I’d say get yourself a wolfman, ladies. Those guys are like space heaters with pheromones.

  11. You think vampires are confusing? How the fuck do zombies digest all the humans that they eat? In the universe of a zombie movie, there should be poop everywhere, but since they are rotting away, their digestive system most likely doesn’t even work anymore, yet you also don’t see zombies who are too full to eat!

  12. Also why don’t the humans just wait for winter during a zombie invasion and kill all the undead while they’re frozen?

  13. Probably because by then the zombies have already killed everybody, depending on the time when the outbreak started and the area you live in.

  14. There are like 45 seasons of WALKING DEAD. They’ve had time to at least try it.

  15. TWD takes place in Georgia. Does it ever get cold there?

  16. So leave Georgia. What’s keeping them there? The local night life?

  17. Hey, say what you want about zombies, but they throw great parties! Especially in Georgia!

Leave a Reply





XHTML: You can use: <a href="" title=""> <img src=""> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <b> <i> <strike> <em> <strong>