I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

The Return of the Vern

Well friends it looks like ol’ Vern has some explainin to do. And the sad thing is I don’t have jack shit to say for myself. Sometimes a man just has to do what a man does when he has to do it, or whatever. There comes a time in a man’s personal journey, that is to say in man’s life, that that journey must take a break, or sojourn, in that journey, is what I’m trying to say. A hiatus.

Okay some of you motherfuckers are looking at me real blank eyed and what not. I haven’t written a column for a couple weeks, jackasses. I guess you didn’t miss me, then. It was supposed to be mysterious. Like – what is Vern up to? Where has he gone? What personal discoveries has he made? Will we ever be the same? Oh I do hope he comes back. And soon!

So here I am again.

By the way for those of you keeping track, I been gone for a while, and I came back, and in that time we still haven’t picked a new president. Looks like the texas oil shiek will take the belt on a technicality but you never know who might jump in the ring at the last second. (Wrestling analogy explained later.)

I guess a motherfucker can’t expect the american people to learn anything from this whole fiasco but at the very least I hope it gets drawn out long enough that both candidates and their entire staffs have nothin but white hair and blood pressure.

Anyway first and last order of business here is the art of the fuckin Cinema. That’s the movies, for you lay men out there who might be reading. I gotta be honest I haven’t gotten a chance to see Bruce’s new picture with Samuel L. Jackson. And other than that there’s about jack shit or less movies out there. I believe there is one about the dalmations, and the one with the green ape from christmasland. Well sorry but Vern doesn’t do that.

Steal This MovieSo what I’m doing, I’m sticking to the home video market. Trying to find a picture out there to believe in. A picture to tell me Vern, I don’t care if you went on a hiatus trying to find yourself and came back with nothin but lint in your pockets. And poor quality lint at that. I don’t care if you live in a country where the election process is so undemocratic you start yearning for the good old fashioned military coup. Eyes may shine and teeth may grit or whatever but the point is Vern, my friend, I am the movie to shine a bright light in your path and lead the way. The movie to strengthen your heart and polish your soul and give your spirit a blowjob. You see I am the movie that is gonna give you hope for the future and remind you what life is about and what is important to you and what you must strive for as a man, and as an american, and as a respected ex-con Writer on the films of Cinema. I am Hope, I am Glory, I am the Almighty Power of the Lord God of Cinema. I am not however the new movie Steal This Movie starring Vincent D’Onofrio and Janeane Garafalo in the story of Abby Hoffman’s life.

No Vern, that is not me. I mean don’t get me wrong you will probaly enjoy that movie. It is all about the spirit of Abby Hoffman and how could you not get a kick out of that. Abby was a genuine outlaw. He “went underground” when the feds finally had something on him. He had done all this war protest/entertainment type crap for a long time and they had been trying to frame him for years. Finally he fucked up big time when he got caught in some kind of coke deal. So instead of going to prison he went on the run and never got caught, turned himself in 6 years later and was able to expose CoIntelPro, the FBI program for framing and discrediting the Black Panthers and anti-war types.

I mean I know you like all that kind of shit but listen to me Vern. I ain’t gonna lie to you. This is not a perfect movie. It’ll tell you some shit about Abby. It’ll entertain you a little. It’ll have a couple funny parts with this Donal Logue dude. But mostly it’ll tell you what to think about Abby Hoffman, remind you what you think about him. There’ll be alot of Janeane Garafalo narrating what was good about him instead of showing it. It’s a good educational movie but not a good real movie.

But I am not that kind of movie, Vern. I am not a fake recreation of a true event. In fact I am a real documentary of a fake event. Like Steal This Movie I start out at the end, then skip back to the beginning. And I tell the story of one man’s continuing stand against insurmountable odds, facing down the big man, standing up for what he believes in and becoming a martyr that most people will never even know about.

But in this case the dude is not a political activist, he’s a professional wrestler. Vern don’t you remember me? You already reviewed me. My name is Hitman Hart: Wrestling With Shadows and I am one of the best fucking movies you ever seen.

Vern here again. That’s right people, you heard the movie. And he’s not just bragging. I watched Wrestling With Shadows again and I’m glad I did. I loved that fucking movie and I’m gonna go tell it on the mountain top.

Look people I don’t know a turnbuckle from a belt buckle but I do know this. I never seen a better film about standing up for what you believe in. Maybe it’s because wrestling is so dumb that it’s the perfect metaphor for anything. The universal story of the little guys versus the rich fucks. The slaves versus the masters. The artists versus the soulsucking money men. If this was about some great poet from the renaissance or something, you wouldn’t try to apply it to anything. But it’s about a canadian dude in pink spandex and sunglasses. So it’s universal.

This movie doesn’t tell you what to think in words. But it’s all there between the lines. I don’t know if anybody agreed with me on Knightriders but here’s one I feel just as strongly about. This is a movie about a man dedicated to his artform, pitted against the man who sees it as a product. This could be the story of the great filmatists, or the Abby Hoffmans, or the you and mes. Believe me if I could turn you onto one thing it would be this one. Come on people, go out and find it.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.
This entry was posted on Monday, December 4th, 2000 at 3:11 pm and is filed under Drama, Reviews, Romance, Vern Tells It Like It Is. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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