"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

the two Ps

Last week in my pornographical critiquery of the works of Radley Metzger, I offered the theory that all america needs is alittle bit of god damned ELBOW GREASE for crying out loud.

But you know what, in the week that has past since I wrote those words, I feel that I have really grown up alot, due to some experiences I had in a movie theater watching Shanghai Noon and the Mission Impossible Part 2. And that is why I now believe that last week’s column was superficial and immature. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 5th, 2000 | No Comments »

elbow grease

Well if there is one thing I’d like to see more of coming out of Hollywood, it’s #1: Billy Jack movies, and #2, elbow grease.

Now I don’t want to be too controversial here, but in my opinion, some of the things Hollywood makes these days is garbage. And to me, that signals laziness. Remember when making a good picture meant something? Now it’s not about making a good picture that you like to watch. It’s about making a big picture that you can release in a theater.

If this young guys running Hollywood knew about elbow grease, they would know to get off their ass and think through an idea before they decide to make it into a movie. Any one of us might of came up with the idea, “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if we have John Travolta acting real funny and crazy, and he has dreadlocks and a big head, they are flying around in spaceships, the space ship type of movie that the nerds like?”

But then if we took the time to think it through we’d say, “No, no it wouldn’t be.” (read the rest of this shit…)

May 29th, 2000 | No Comments »

Kikujiro

This latest work from the great Takeshi Kitano, new on the video this week, is not his most popular. Apparently there are alot of individuals out there who hated this movie. Because this time Takeshi is not playing a violent cop or a gangster. He’s just some dude. And the movie is about how he has to take care of an adorable little boy.

Now I know what you’re thinkin. Cop and a Half. Three Men and a Baby. The one where Chuck Norris is a cop and his partner is a dog. All this type of garbage. And it’s true, that is the type of basic storyline we’re talking about here.

But that is what is so important about this work, is that it shows you can take the tough guy and little kid formula, and do it Takeshi style, and it comes out as a great comedy. Not as crap. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 27th, 2000 | 7 Comments »

I have seen the future of Badass pictures

Last week I wrote about Ridley Scott and about how that fucker isn’t really all that hot especially in the case of his new one Alligator. And some of you may have been wondering, “Okay then, Vern, WHO is a director to look out for? Who can we count on to take the place of Ridley Scott if he’s never going to make a good movie again, the fucker?”

I mean I’m surprised none of you e-mailed me with that question, but then again I’m pretty sure nobody reads my column anyway. Assholes. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 22nd, 2000 | 1 Comment »

Gladiator

Well here it is, the big three oh and I’m sorry to say boys, I’m gonna have to say something that some of you won’t like. Although the gals probaly won’t mind. What I have to say is that Ridley Scott is not that fucking great, jesus fucking christ.

I mean it seems like I’ve been reading about Gladiator over there on the Ain’t It Cool News and in the newsgroups since I was a young man and these motherfuckers will NOT stop drooling about Ridley Scott. Ridley Scott’s gonna bring back the gladiator movies. Ridley Scott’s gonna direct a vampire movie. Ridley’s Scott’s gonna come to my Red Dwarf marathon blah blah blah. Like the man was Clint Eastwood personified.

Now I admit, there are some good pictures this guy made about twenty years ago. One of them is Alien, a scary space movie which takes Yaphet Kotto’s character from Blue Collar into outer space. The other is Blade Runner, which is the one about the robot detective.

But I mean, there are alot of people who did something good twenty years ago. I remember I gave my old lady a ride to church one day, for one example. But that don’t mean my shit don’t need flushin and I feel the same can be said for Ridley Scott and his shit in my opinion. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 15th, 2000 | 11 Comments »

Jockey Slut and Slam

Well shit guys I don’t know what to tell you, I have trouble keeping up with the column anymore. That is why I am a day late. I am old and out of touch but to be frankly honest I think I can still take on most of the younger movie critics, not only physically but even writing wise. I challenge for example any of the motherfuckers from entertainment weekly, people magazine, etc. Except Mike D’Angelo, he is pretty good in my opinion, not sure about the fighting skills but I will keep you posted.

Shit listen to me talking about I’m a day late. I sound like your girlfriend. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 8th, 2000 | No Comments »

Hitman Hart: Wrestling with Shadows

Not long ago I reviewed a VERY fucking excellent wrestling documentary by the name of Beyond the Mat. That was a picture about the Mick Foley, Jake “The Snake Roberts”, Terry Funk and some other wrestlers, exploring what it is that drives these whacked out motherfuckers to destroy their bodies and endure torturous pain every night for silly entertainment. All of the stars of the movie are fascinating and I almost would’ve liked to see a whole movie focusing on just one of them.

Well little did ol’ Vern know that there already WAS a picture focussing on one wrestler, a Canadian by the name of Bret “The Hitman” Hart, who was WWF tag team champion in the ’80s and world champion for quite a while in the ’90s. Bret doesn’t have the tragic dimension of a Jake “The Snake” or an aging Terry Funk, but what he does have is a great story and I would say that this picture is arguably even better than Beyond the Mat, which is saying alot. (read the rest of this shit…)

May 1st, 2000 | 7 Comments »

The Vern has risen

First of all, before I get into the holy religious holiday of Easter and all, I want to say WHO THE FUCK is this jackass Chris Gore, and how many times should I stab him? If I was a violent person. You see today I was watching the FX channel over there on the cable, minding my own business, when suddenly I see this ad for The Man Show or whatever his thing is called. Now I have seen this show before and the less I say about it the better. So I will tell you a lot about it. It is shit. I will get into that in a minute.

Let me just mention as an aside, a dude in the guestbook says I was featured in a british dancing music magazine called Jockey Slut. Was Chris Gore ever in Jockey Slut? I don’t think so. Was Harvey S. Karten ever in Jockey Slut? I don’t think so. Was I? According to this guy, yes. If somebody could please send me a scan of this or something I would REALLY fucking appreciate it. (read the rest of this shit…)

April 24th, 2000 | 1 Comment »

American Psychos

This week I decided to take the day off from my World Badass Studies to give a nod to my boys in the horror community. You see back when many of the movie type newsgroups rejected me on account of my harsh language and telling it like it is, etc. I posted a review of the “Sleepy Hollow” over there in the horror newsgroup and you know what happened? Those motherfuckers welcomed me with the openest arms you ever seen on the internet. Those were some of the nicest motherfuckers ever in my opinion. I don’t know what the deal is, they watch the gals getting their tongues ripped out and zombies eating a guy’s balls or whatever, then when they’re ready to call it a day they go online and there’s ol’ Vern and they treat him like just one of the boys. Bunch of sweethearts if you ask me. (read the rest of this shit…)

April 17th, 2000 | 11 Comments »

American Psycho

I got mixed feelings about this piece because it works on one level but then in my opinion it oughta work on another level too. This is the movie version of the controversial book about Pat Bateman, the yuppie who is obsessed with designer clothes and mutilating women.

In the movie, Pat says right upfront that he has no insides, but I don’t think he really believes it. I think some part of him believes that because he has this secret life stabbing homeless dudes and chainsawing women, he is a little bit different from all the soulless, materialistic businessmen he keeps getting confused with. He has something that makes him stand out. And not to give anything away, because I’m not sure I really understood the ending otherwise I would give it away, but I think it has kind of an ironic Twilight Zone type ending that all this may have been a delusion so he doesn’t even have THAT to make him unique. The sap. (read the rest of this shit…)

April 15th, 2000 | 53 Comments »

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