"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Fist of Fury

tn_fistoffuryFIST OF FURY aka THE CHINESE CONNECTION is Bruce Lee vehicle #2. This one is a period piece with much higher production values than THE BIG BOSS. Bruce comes into town wearing a white suit (looking like today’s pretty boy Korean pop stars, to be honest) and discovers that his master has just died. Bruce is playing the fictional character Chen Zhen, student to the real historical figure of Huo Yuanjia, who has become fictionalized in movies and legends. (For one version of Huo Yuanjia’s life story see FEARLESS, where he’s played by Jet Li.)

It’s ironic that this story comes out of speculation over Huo Yuanjia’s death, because speculation about Bruce Lee’s own death would pretty much become its own subgenre. But that’s later. (read the rest of this shit…)

Tears of the Sun

tn_tearsofthesunBruceTEARS OF THE SUN is a Bruce Willis picture I missed until now. It’s about Nigerian refugees fleeing for Cameroon after anti-democratic military guys assassinate the president and his family and go around “ethnic cleansing” innocent people. I know, sounds kind of racist, but the secret is Bruce doesn’t play a Nigerian, he is not in blackface. He plays the lieutenant of an elite Navy SEALS unit sent in by Tom Skerritt (playing the twin brother of his character from TOP GUN, in my opinion) to rescue a Christian aid worker played by Monica Belluci. (read the rest of this shit…)

Yippee Ki-Yay Moviegoer Youtube Video Contest

xboxJust a heads up in case anybody’s interested:

Titan Books, via the medium of The Ain’t It Cool News, is holding another Youtube video-making contest like they did for Seagalogy. This time of course it’s not Seagal-specific, you just have to make any type of short video that’s an homage or tribute to the films of badass cinema. I will have to pick the best ones and the top winner gets either an X-Box or Playing Station (their pick) plus a video game ($60 dollars or less) and the five “runners up” or “real winners” get my book.

I hope lots of people enter although to be frankly honest I would also be pleased if they got lazy and just ordered an X-Box, a video game and my book through the search box on the right there. GIVE ME MY 6.5%, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Whoops, sorry. I promised myself and others I wouldn’t get desperate about that affiliate business. I’ll be careful about that. I don’t even know what the fuck an X-Box does. Something to do with Halo, is my guess.

p.s. Sorry, you gotta be a resident of the U.S. for this. Some fuckin rules they gotta deal with.

Kick-Ass

tn_kick-assKICK-ASS is the new movie that for the first time since DEFENDOR, MIRAGEMAN, SPECIAL and the first part of SPIDERMAN where he wears the pajamas asks the question “What would happen if a comic book nerd dressed up as a super hero and tried to fight crime?” The answer is partly the same as DEFENDOR’s (he’ll get beat up badly, except when he has clubs) but partly different (a little girl will fly around spinning knives and doing kung fu, murdering dozens of people and give him a jetpack and [SPOILERS for KICK-ASS and DEATH WISH 3] he’ll kill a mob boss DEATH WISH 3 style).

Either the movie is confused or just I am, because I really thought this was gonna be about what would happen if people tried to be super heroes in the real world. I thought this mainly because the lead nerd (who buys a mask and scuba suit and comes up with the dumb name Kick-Ass for himself) narrates through the entire movie and explains explicitly and in detail that that is in fact exactly what the story is about. (read the rest of this shit…)

The reviews of my reviews are in

tn_ykymSorry to be self-indulgent here but I gotta brag about this review I got from The Independent, which is from what I hear an actual newspaper.

Check this shit out

Makes me sound real respectable (and then mysterious at the end). Very wrong release date for Seagalogy, but way more positive a review than I ever expected.

I was also happy about this one on blogcritics, mainly because of this quote:

“To appreciate Yippee Ki-Yay Moviegoer, you should first appreciate movies. The only other qualification is being open-minded. If you are offended by street language or obscenity and base descriptions of human activities, you will be offended by Yippee Ki-Yay Moviegoer. If intelligent ideas — no matter how they are expressed — attract you, then you will enjoy Vern’s take on Hollywood and beyond.”

I think that’s the best description of what I do here. Street language and base descriptions of human activities.

We told you so

florentineI have a hunch the bigger movie websights are about to catch up with us DTV action scholars re: the films of Isaac Florentine. Over there at Actionfest in North Carolina they gave best picture to MERANTAU (which recently got a rave review on kungfucinema.com) but the much anticipated (by us) UNDISPUTED 3 got best director for Florentine and best choreography for Larnell Stovall (that’s Florentine kicking Stovall in the picture there – no joke). According to this article on twitchfilm.net (thanks GoodBadGroovy for posting that in the comments) U3 wasn’t originally intended to be in competition, but the jury felt so strongly about it that they chose it anyway. That jury included Mr. McWeeny of Hitfix, Devin Feraci of Chud and Todd Brown of Twitch, so maybe those websights will start talking up Florentine the way we’ve all been after seeing UNDISPUTED II, NINJA, THE SHEPHERD: BORDER PATROL, US SEALS 2, BRIDGE OF DRAGONS and SPECIAL FORCES.

Feraci tweetered, “UNDISPUTED III is the future of low budget action – amazing digital photography, crisp and exciting fight choreography and personable leads.” He probly hasn’t seen UNDISPUTED II, BLOOD AND BONE or UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: REGENERATION if he thinks that’s a new development, but I’m glad he’s on board. Now we gotta introduce those guys to John Hyams.

The other big news is that apparently Chuck Norris declined his lifetime achievement award and gave it to his brother. That’s sweet and also kind of hilarious since it was already goofy for Aaron Norris to found a film festival to give an award to his own brother. Now he gave an award to himself!

Anyway, sounds like it went great and will hopefully continue to grow.

Invasion U.S.A.

tn_invasionusaIn honor of the historic first ever ACTIONFEST going on right now in Asheville, North Carolina, I thought I should watch a Chuck Norris picture. Mr. Norris is the recipient of the Actionfest Lifetime Achievement Award (and coincidentally brother of Actionfest co-founder Aaron Norris). For their retrospective they’re showing CODE OF SILENCE (Seagalogy p. 13-14) and BRADDOCK: MISSING IN ACTION III. Since I’d already seen CODE and didn’t have time to catch up with MIA 1-2 yet I followed your recommendations and went with INVASION U.S.A. I think the deciding factor was that Drew Barnhardt told me it was “Norris’s DEATH WISH III.” And Drew loves DEATH WISH III, I don’t think he’d throw that comparison out there lightly. He would be completely aware of all its consequences and implications. (read the rest of this shit…)

The Big Boss (aka Fists of Fury)

tn_bigbossbruceleeiconTHE BIG BOSS would be a good one to watch on Labor Day, because it’s a scathing indictment of corruption within the Chinese ice industry. About time somebody blew the lid off that shit. Cheng (Bruce M.F. Lee) gets a job loading big blocks of ice, which the workers don’t realize have bags of coke inside (even though they saw one of the bags when one of the blocks broke open. But this was a more naive time). The foremen are extra-abusive, slapping people around and shit. To be frankly honest I think these particular workers are a bunch of whiners who don’t seem to work very hard, but they’re right to stand up for their rights when a co-worker gets hit or goes missing.

Unfortunately Cheng can’t really do anything because you know how it is when you wear one of those medallions that reminds you you promised your late mother never to fight again. In one frustrating scene Cheng just stands around watching while a whole bunch of union-smasher types beat the hell out of his colleagues. They all think he’s an asshole for not helping, but luckily some dumb sucker accidentally tears off his medallion, and Cheng is unleashed. There’s a real good overhead shot showing him kicking out a circle of thugs that surround him. One guy he kicks so fast I had to rewind it to make sure the guy didn’t just keel over from unrelated health issues. (read the rest of this shit…)

Marlowe

tn_marloweMARLOWE is a 1969 adaptation of the Raymond Chandler story “The Little Sister” that is still not available on the DVD now available as a Warner Archive DVD. James Garner plays Philip Marlowe, as much of a wiseass as ever, but it’s a little weird because he’s a character so associated with the ’40s, and here he is in a Summer of Love era Los Angeles where the gangsters and movie stars mingle with hippies. Marlowe still wears a fedora sometimes, but he doesn’t act too retro. He fits in. And I mean he enjoys the ladies, so that’s compatible with the times. Free love and all that. (read the rest of this shit…)

Okay, okay. Let’s get this over with.

tn_seagalpaintedI didn’t think this was a big deal and didn’t want to say much about it, but I keep getting emails and comments making sure I know about this lawsuit against Chief Seagal. So, fair enough. Alot of people seem to be interested in my thoughts so I will address the situation here.

First of all, I will cop to being an expert on Seagal’s movies. But that doesn’t mean I have any more insights into this than anybody else. I don’t know the man and I’m not even a biographer or anything, I just analyze the movies. (And albums. And beverages.)

Also, it doesn’t really change anything. Of course I would prefer that he was a nice guy, or at least a non-sex-slaver. But my interests are in his movies. Steve McQueen did some foul shit, I wouldn’t give him a humanitarian award, but he’s still awesome in movies. (read the rest of this shit…)