Some of you may remember that I didn’t review the FRIDAY THE 13TH remake until it came to DVD. To be honest I was dying to see it, but I felt like a sucker that I kept paying money to these assholes that pimp out the titles of old movies I like. I mean I like some of the horror remakes, but none of the Platinum Dunes ones, including that one when I finally got around to it.

Well, I have even less faith that they can pull off A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, which I consider a genuine horror classic. On the other hand, in a way it’s not as offensive because I would’ve been happy if they just kept making sequels to the original Jason series forever, and the remake ended that, this one doesn’t put a stop to anything really. So my curiosity almost got me… I was real close to giving in and going to see it tomorrow morning.

But then I came across an article entitled “Mr. Beaks Hates Every Single Frame of Platinum Dunes’ A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET! Do Not See This Movie!” I didn’t read the whole review yet but from what I’ve read so far I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be negative. And it reminded me of some of the clueless, joyless, bad-and-not-in-a-funny-way Platinum Dunes pictures of the past, and made me realize I should stay home and wash my hair or something. So if anybody’s wondering I’ll have a review eventually but I’m probly gonna wait until the DVD or until they feel bad about what they did and decide to let everybody in for free (fingers crossed).

Just a heads up in case anybody’s interested:

Titan Books, via the medium of The Ain’t It Cool News, is holding another Youtube video-making contest like they did for Seagalogy. This time of course it’s not Seagal-specific, you just have to make any type of short video that’s an homage or tribute to the films of badass cinema. I will have to pick the best ones and the top winner gets either an X-Box or Playing Station (their pick) plus a video game ($60 dollars or less) and the five “runners up” or “real winners” get my book.

I hope lots of people enter although to be frankly honest I would also be pleased if they got lazy and just ordered an X-Box, a video game and my book through the search box on the right there. GIVE ME MY 6.5%, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Whoops, sorry. I promised myself and others I wouldn’t get desperate about that affiliate business. I’ll be careful about that. I don’t even know what the fuck an X-Box does. Something to do with Halo, is my guess.

p.s. Sorry, you gotta be a resident of the U.S. for this. Some fuckin rules they gotta deal with.

Sorry to be self-indulgent here but I gotta brag about this review I got from The Independent, which is from what I hear an actual newspaper.

Check this shit out

Makes me sound real respectable (and then mysterious at the end). Very wrong release date for Seagalogy, but way more positive a review than I ever expected.

I was also happy about this one on blogcritics, mainly because of this quote:

“To appreciate Yippee Ki-Yay Moviegoer, you should first appreciate movies. The only other qualification is being open-minded. If you are offended by street language or obscenity and base descriptions of human activities, you will be offended by Yippee Ki-Yay Moviegoer. If intelligent ideas — no matter how they are expressed — attract you, then you will enjoy Vern’s take on Hollywood and beyond.”

I think that’s the best description of what I do here. Street language and base descriptions of human activities.

I didn’t think this was a big deal and didn’t want to say much about it, but I keep getting emails and comments making sure I know about this lawsuit against Chief Seagal. So, fair enough. Alot of people seem to be interested in my thoughts so I will address the situation here.

First of all, I will cop to being an expert on Seagal’s movies. But that doesn’t mean I have any more insights into this than anybody else. I don’t know the man and I’m not even a biographer or anything, I just analyze the movies. (And albums. And beverages.)

Also, it doesn’t really change anything. Of course I would prefer that he was a nice guy, or at least a non-sex-slaver. But my interests are in his movies. Steve McQueen did some foul shit, I wouldn’t give him a humanitarian award, but he’s still awesome in movies. (read the rest of this shit…)

My friends,

You might’ve noticed there’s an Amazon.com deal over on the sidebar there. I wanted to say a few things about that.

Number one, Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt Energy Drink is not currently available at Amazon, nor are Dirt McGirt Sour Cream and Onion Rap Snacks (left). So you will have to get your food somewhere else.

Number two, you guys know I’ve been doing this websight for ten years now, and other than what I get for my books I don’t make any money off of it. And I’ll keep doing it for free until I die if I have to, but I figure if I ever do make some money off of it it could help me to do the day job less and spend more time on this, do a better job of striving.

(read the rest of this shit…)

Variety is reporting that, I don’t know, something about Twilight. James Cameron is gonna direct Twilight or whatever.

Oh, I can’t keep a straight face. APRIL FOOLS!

Actually the purpose of the post is to fulfill a request by “loucifer” to put up a link to that April Fool’s blog thing I put up a couple years ago. I wish I could do something like that every year, but I don’t have the time or inspiration. I worked on that thing for months and it was satirically unloading alot of the things I wanted to say about commercial movie websights and a bunch of other topics. I dare somebody to top that shit.