Breaking news

pandas1Variety is reporting that, I don’t know, something about Twilight. James Cameron is gonna direct Twilight or whatever.

Oh, I can’t keep a straight face. APRIL FOOLS!

Actually the purpose of the post is to fulfill a request by “loucifer” to put up a link to that April Fool’s blog thing I put up a couple years ago. I wish I could do something like that every year, but I don’t have the time or inspiration. I worked on that thing for months and it was satirically unloading alot of the things I wanted to say about commercial movie websights and a bunch of other topics. I dare somebody to top that shit.

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 1st, 2010 at 5:49 pm and is filed under Blog Post (short for weblog). You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

36 Responses to “Breaking news”

  1. By some strange fate I happened to check out the site of this Vern character I’d heard about on April 1st the day that whole thing was put up. I remember glancing over it, seeing the Shrek exclusive, and then going back to the aicn messageboard where people had been talking about this outlaw, thinking that those idiots must have been smoking something. That or the entire universe had turned ironic on me.

  2. That prank absolutely terrified me the first time I saw it. Now I can laugh at it, but when I first saw those polls and blogs and whatnot, I was horrorstricken.

  3. Oh my god, I’d never seen that before, its complete genius. I haven’t laughed that hard in forever. I don’t think anyone can top that for an april fools page.

  4. Nice! I’ve been looking for that. I’m not surprised you spent months on it, the attention to detail is amazing.

  5. Jesus God, what the hell did I just look at?

  6. Man I remember checking the site and seeing that page and not realizing that it was April 1st. I couldn’t believe all the ads!

    Now we can all simply recognize it for the genius that it is. I really love the box office predictions section.

  7. It’s a work of art, Vern. I will never tire of it.
    I’m with Brendan tho, the first time I saw it I figured you’d completely snapped. It scared the shit out of me.
    Honestly, I doubt most of us regulars would fall for it today.

    Although the Chipmunks reviews did have me checking to see if my calendar was a bit off for a minute there. (I’d put a smiley face right here but I know that shit just wouldn’t fly here so forget I mentioned it.)

  8. Michael Henry Grant

    April 1st, 2010 at 8:12 pm

    Vern, that thing was amazing. I remember months later being shocked to learn that the title SHREK GOES FOURTH was not actually part of the joke.

  9. I didn’t see this the first time around, but I’m glad it was linked to, just for Kraft free camera razors alone.

  10. That was one for the ages alright.

  11. Haha man, you guys are gullible. There’s a Halliburton ad at the top of the page, that should be your first clue. Brilliant satire then and brilliant satire now, I wonder if Billington from First Showing has read this.

  12. I always loved the “Eric Bana Movie” ad :D

  13. Nothing will ever top that shit, Vern.

  14. aaah, the classic april fool’s blog! i remember seeing it when it was first posted. i wasn’t fooled by it for more than maybe 2.5 seconds (which means i am smarter and cooler than you), but it sure was entertaining. and i hadn’t seen it since then, so on this hungover, rainy, cold, depressing day it provided me with a much needed hearty chuckle again, thanks.

  15. Wow, such a wealth of details… Vern must work in graphical design or something! Also, the links are hilarious.

  16. That was hilarious and horrifying! Hahaha “Quiznos-Halliburton”

  17. That is some classic shit Vern. Loved the little details in the ads. Must have taken ages to do.

  18. I remember when you did this! I laughed me damn, fool ass off.

    “Segway… why the fuck would you walk”

    Simply Classic.

  19. I kid you not, there’s people genuinely wanting David Cronenberg to direct the 4th Twiligth movie.

  20. Jareth Cutestory

    April 2nd, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    The worst part of that April Fool’s version of the site was that there was no way to recover the old Outlaw Sight. I almost hyperventilated.

    In case anyone missed it the first time around, Cinematical assumed that Vern’s gag page was a “mean spirited” attack on their own site, and that he was accusing them of “corporate hackwork.” Vern chimes in at the end of the comments section to clear the air:


  21. Man, I want that Iran-Contra T- Shirt.

  22. I actually like Cinematical. Yeah, the look is really bland, but the writers are all really good and seem to know what they’re talking about and have intelligent takes on different genres and stuff. My favorite part of Vern’s response is that he basically does say “Yeah I’m insulting you, get over it.” But in that extremely polite, well-spoken manner that Vern has down pat.

  23. Man, Cinematical are a bunch of pussies.

  24. It would take years to measure up to par on that. SO GET TO WORK ON IT ALREADY! {g}

    (Better yet: make small modifications every year to keep it up to date.)

  25. Oh, sidenote: will you be reviewing the new re-release of John Carpenter’s “Elvis” docudrama featuring Kurt Russell as Elvis? Or have you done that already in a previous incarnational release of media?

    Sidenote 2: Cracked’s Daniel O’Brien recently reviewed a 2003 drama “Tiptoes”, which frankly I’m not sure you could improve on. That could be construed as a dare, by the way. But I loved his review so I thought I would share.


    What?? Oh, sorry. Thought I had copied the address; that was for another comment on a completely different site… (trying again)


    There we go, that’s better.

    Dan’s opening is reproduced below. The article only gets better as it goes along. (The comments so far are better than average, too…) The joke is that the movie isn’t a joke, it’s real:

    I’m going to pitch a movie to you.

    We meet Steve and Carol, the perfect couple. They’re happy, attractive people who seem to have everything. He trains firemen for a living, and she’s an artist, her wild, free spirit balancing out his serious, button-down demeanor. Then Carol gets pregnant, and Steve’s dark secret is revealed:

    His entire family is midgets.

    He kept it from her his whole life (which was easy to do, because he’s not a midget), and now they must deal with this problem, because the possibility that their baby will also be a midget is out in the open. This movie takes that situation and explicitly asks the question: “Will she still keep the baby knowing it might be a dwarf?” This isn’t a throwaway question, or a B storyline, or anything like that. It is the plot of the movie. Is this woman brave enough to not abort her baby even though it might be a dwarf? As with all movies, imagine the likelihood of a subplot involving an interracial-man-on-midget sexual affair is extremely high.
    Assume when I pitch this movie to you that I stress that it is in no way a comedy, and assume I do it all with a straight face.

    Also my last name is Weiner. (Just for argument’s sake.)

    So I’m saying all of these things to you. I’m pitching you a dwarf-centric non-comedy movie, the central conflict of which, is “should a pregnant woman go ahead with her pregnancy knowing the baby might be tiny (but, like, longer than babies are supposed to be tiny),” and the whole time I’m pitching it, my name is Weiner. Mr. Weiner’s Midget Movie.

    Would you greenlight that movie?

  26. This was and still is hilarious and true. Bravo, sir.

  27. I’ve only started reading Cinematical recently but I think their articles are quite good, the stuff I’ve read Elizabeth Rappe (is that meant to be pronounced like rape? Or rap? Or rappé?) post especially, she had a good article up earlier this week about Kick-Ass and how many bloggers were talking about it being the end of superhero films etc. /Film is definitely the best at the moment for pure, up to date film news. Twitch for foreign stuff. The Guardian Film has a lot of interesting stuff up to.

    And yeah I remember the April fools page, it’s the attention to detail with all the different adverts that really make me laugh. Must have taken ages to put together.

  28. Vern, I urge you to print up some “CRACK EPIDEMIC” and/or OUT OF AFRICA T-shirts. Because I will fucking buy them shits.

  29. I will admit that when this originally premiered I didn’t know what day it was (ah, law school) and I had a great sinking feeling until I realized what was going on.

    But holy shit, you guys above are right. Some of those t-shirts are amazing. I would go for Iran-Contra and buy Iococca for my brother.

  30. I definitely based alot of that stuff on Cinematical at the time (I haven’t read them lately) but I think the statute of limitations has probly passed so I can admit that the Pulp Fiction review was meant as a direct attack on the way the guy who ran themovieblog.com at the time reviewed movies. I don’t got much respect for the “filling out a form” approach to film criticism.

  31. Hands down best April Fools joke I ever read, my gut is still hurting, my eyes stinging and my whole house awake cos I couldn’t keep it down. Very sharp writing, reminded me of Cinematical and CHUD and I think the insight prolly drops em both down even further for me as well. To be honest, that was best Vern I ever read too, classic Vern, but a cut even above that. Man, I love when you are pissed off.

  32. Fandango: Buying tickets is too fucking hard.

    Add me to the list of people who would buy an Iran Contra shirt if you offered it in your store. I also like the cut of that Brett Rattner shirt.

    Thanks Vern, this is much funnier without the initial wave of terror that accompanied it the first time.

  33. oh awesome. i saved some of the better pics from that page, but i’ve been hunting for the real thing for some time.
    thanks man!

  34. Every time I see that upside down poster for “T2” I laugh until I’m coughing uncontrollably. Every. Single. Time.

    Pure genius.

  35. Oh yeah, and put me down for a Ratner shirt and one of the Enron ones! You should really submit those designs to Threadless.com and see if they print them!

    Seriously, this was one of the best April Fool’s jokes I’ve ever seen and I saved that page for months so I could go back and laugh at the Carlyle Group logo or the Google ads or one of the other hundreds of jokes you packed into that thing. Not to place you on a pedestal but… well, fuck it, here, get on this pedestal so I can worship you, dude! Much love and keep it up!

  36. the details. aaah, the DETAILS!!! by far the cleverest shit the internet ever saw.

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