"I take orders from the Octoboss."

Vern on Ice

Well that gal Cool Girl who I wrote about last week, turns out she likes my sight too and she asked me to do some guest reviews for her sight. So I hope you won’t mind if I direct you over there for a few of my reviews in the near future. I think those of you who are Writers will understand where I’m coming from, it’s not very often in a man’s career as a Writer that a man gets a chance to write for a Playboy Playmate who does obscene celebrity interviews. So I mean you gotta take your chance when you get it, you can’t necessarily wati for the nxt one to come alnogn.

Well as a Positive individual I’m still trying to improve myself both as a Writer and as an American individual in a free society (i.e. I’m not in the can). So in addition to brushing up on the classics of Cinemafilm through the American Movie Classics channel, I am also trying to live some new experiences that maybe I could draw from in my Writing. Unfortunately I have already lived a very exciting life full of mayhem and intrigue, so some of this stuff I am catching up on might be old hat to some of you civilians. Like this week for example, I mean I gotta be honest here, I went ice skating.

Now I had no idea what this would be like. It is a weird feeling because you have these testosterone filled hockey players mingling with little girls in frilly black costumes spinning around on one foot. I didn’t know the atmosphere would be so trashy, like a Greyhound station or a bowling alley. I mean they have the same vending machines as a bowling alley, same video games, change machine, claw machine, lockers, cheesy top 40 dj. In fact it’s basically the same deal, you pay your money and you tell them your shoe size. And there are people there that would be right at home at a bowling alley, but then you see them spinning around like some whirligig doing all this fancypants figure skating shit. Seriously, there was a guy with camoflage pants and a mustache, looked like he could be driving demolition derby, but he’s doing the fucking ice ballet. Another guy with long trucker hair and a bald spot but he’s got on this black costume with an open front and no shirt underneath. I mean it’s weird shit.

The only other major difference between bowling and ice skating is that in bowling you might be afraid maybe you won’t get as many strikes as you want, or the bar will be out of the beers that are shaped like bowling pins, but in ice skating you’ve got the more prevalent and paralyzing type of fear that you’re gonna fall and bust your assbone.

That’s right, you read it right, I said I was afraid. I know before I said I was only afraid of one thing in the entire world, heights and spiders. But I guess I can add falling on the ice and breaking my assbone to the list. You’re out there sliding along just barely staying on your feet, and these little kids are zipping around bumping into you, I mean jesus it’s enough to give a man a heart attack.

So what ended up happening, there are these teenage punks wearing hockey jerseys and suffocating aftershave, they keep skidding out to try to spray ice shavings on each other. And I’m thinking, these little fuckers are degrading the rink, they are putting my very ass at risk. So I had a polite word with them. But thye wouldn’t listen, they justt kept doing it. I didn’t want to be some fucking authority figure so I decided to let it go. I just kept trying to mind my own business, not fall down and keep the snot from dripping out of my nose. Shit it’s coldd in there, but everybody else knew to bring handkerchiefs. but shit man i didn’t know.

Other thing I noticed, it’s so cold in there that you do end up seeing a lot of nipples standing at attention. I mean female nipples, which isn’t all that bad a thing to be surrounded by. I mean in my opinion. But when I noticed this, I realized that this phenomenon of the visible nipples was the only plausible explanation for why this fucked up sport of iceskating has survived the invention of the roller rink.

So anyway I’m considering thsi nipple hypothesis of mine, and lal the sudden, front of my blad e gets caught in one the grooves those skidout kids mad,e but I manage to pushmy weight forward and fall flat on my dick instead of my ass. And by coincidence one of these punk kids is coming up behind me, skates right over my god damn fingers.

“Ooh, sorry man,” he says as I’m bleeding all over the damn place.

“‘Sorry man’? Sorry? Is that all you have to say for yourself son?” I yelled.

“Hey man, it’s cool.”

“It’s cool? You’re tellin me it’s cool? Look at me man. What do I look like?”


“LOOK at me bitch! What do I look like? Look into my face! What am I? I AM A WRITER.”


I might as well be talking mexican, he has no clue what I’m trying to tell him. Sweat was dripping down his pimply face.

What? What do you think what? A Writer needs his god damn fingers if he’s gonna write, don’t he? And that’s what a Writer does, he writes! I don’t intend on becoming one of these dudes knows how to type with his feet or a straw coming out of his mouth. So for future reference motherfucker, kindly keep your GOD DAMN BLADES off my FUCKING WRITER’S FINGERS.”

And then I clocked the bitch right in the mouth. He lost his balance and with a weird sucking sound, his sweaty face froze to the ice. And I couldn’t tell you how they got him off but I can tell you that in the time it took three employees to escort me to the parking lot this motherfucker never got up.

You see I believ there is a reason why the wheel was invented. Ice skates I’m sure seemed like a good idea at the time but then rollerskates came along and I mean, let’s be serious here jack. The ice skating rink is an inferior invention because it degrades exponentiastically with each lap a motherfucker takes. The more you skate the more grooves and scrapes and holes and dents there are for your blade to get stuck on and send you to the ass ward.

Even these pricks that get good at ice skating, I think they still have the fear of the assbreaking deep in their hearts and it always has them on edge. I mean how else do you explain it, how crazy the hockey players are, or these ice skater gals who club each other’s knees, or of course the canadians.

It is a sad fact of nature that certain elements combine to create disaster. Natural gases can combine with fire and the results will be deadly. A cat, when placed in water, will go crazy and attack anything in its reach. You put a man on ice against his will and you get a similar outcome. Even a Positive individual such as myself can act out with Negativity and violence.

So anyway if you see a lot of typesos this week you should understand that i am nursing my owunds, both the wounds of the fingers and those of the conscience. And thisngs will definitely be getting better as they heal, or at least as long as the fingers heal anyway. They seem to act up when it gets cold but hey man i’ve lived with worse to be frankly honest. Oh well this is not the type of Negativity I expected in the sanctuary of the ice skating rink, but it is this type of experience that I feel will help me to continue growing as Writer especially if nobody is seriously injured thanks bud.

This entry was posted on Monday, February 7th, 2000 at 10:12 am and is filed under Vern Tells It Like It Is. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

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