“I’m Paul Barlow, and this is my daughter Jo.”

“Malone.”

“You got a first name?”

“Yeah.”

NEW! The Viva Val Verde t-shirt

Even if you’ve never adventured in the fictional South American country of Val Verde yourself, you may be familiar with its history from such films as COMMANDO, PREDATOR and DIE HARD 2. I know I am. And with my keen sense of observation and the power of high definition blu-ray technology I have spotted the Val Verde flag on the side of two planes in DIE HARD 2 and had it re-created by my crack team of t-shirt artisans.

click here to shirt up

VIVA VAL VERDE is not only an obscure reference and slogan of fictional national pride, but a rallying cry for fans of the larger-than-life movies of the Joel Silver/Arnold/Bruce era. Long live Val Verde and long live Old School Action.

This extraordinary t-shirt (also available in mug) is the inaugural product for my new project Vern’s Flea Market. This is probly classier than most of the other ones I’m gonna do, though. I want to take us all back to the late ’80s, early ’90s when you could go to the parking lot outside the 99 Cent store and young entrepreneurs would sell you such great t-shirts as Black Bart Simpson and Batman Symbol Except It Has Eyes. My designs will be even better. Collect ’em all, like pokeymans or whatever.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Monday, August 27th, 2012 at 10:41 am and is filed under Blog Post (short for weblog). You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

38 Responses to “NEW! The Viva Val Verde t-shirt”

  1. Who’s the shirt model, Vern?

  2. I intend to purchase one of these and use it to pick up Occupy chicks with tales of all the good work I have done in support of the poor, oppressed Val Verdeans, who for generations have had their lands invaded by giant foreign imperialists and extraterrestrial carpetbaggers.

  3. Is that you modeling the shirts, Vern? Lookin’ buff.

  4. Too bad about the colors. I could never wear anything but black.

  5. wow, up until now I had no idea Black Bart Simpson was a thing and I can’t help but ask, why?

    oh early 90’s, why you so weird?

  6. Next thing you’re gonna tell me you never saw a set of mudflaps with a picture of Calvin peeing on something on ’em.

    Kids these days. No respect for the CLASSICS.

  7. now I DID see Calvin peeing on something quite a bit as a kid, but see that trend was popular among rednecks and me living in the south hence why I saw that and never a black Bart shirt

  8. Well, at least you’re not totally uncultured.

  9. Would it be possible to get a V-neck version on the website? I’ve been preferring those lately. Great work, I’m really looking forward to your additional designs. You should do an anti-shakycam shirt, with that Spielberg quote you posted in your Crystal Skull review printed on the back.

  10. I can’t decide what color to get. Vern, any suggestions?

  11. The t-shirt model is the standard Zazzle guy. I believe his name is Michael Jai Zazzle. I’m not sure if there’s a v-neck on there, but it should be totally customizable to different types of shirts and colors and everything. I chose what looked closest to a military green in honor of COMMANDO and the “verde” in the name of the country, but hell, put it on pink if you want.

  12. I actually had no idea about Black Bart until now. Jesus….

  13. I really do remember the Batman Symbol Except It Has Eyes.

  14. My local record store had one of those giant band poster flipbook thingies. One day we saw a PUBLIC ENEMY: FEAR OF A BLACK WORLD poster, and if you looked closely at the PUBLIC ENEMY logo, you could see the pen strokes.

  15. Also, I wanted to order the shirt in early ’90s action hero grey. The colour’s there, but it’s labelled “heather grey”, which is altogether the wrong kind of early ’90s. What to do?

  16. The fictional bananas republic country of Val Verde (spanish for Green Valley), does seem to indicate that all the 80s/90s movies produced by Joel Silver were set in the same universe. But was Val Verde ever mentioned in the Leathal Weapons, however?

  17. asimov – no, Val Verde was never mentioned. The LETHAL WEAPONS were Warner Bros productions, unlike the other movies; COMMANDO,PREDATOR andDIE HARD 2 that were produced by Fox. If that has anything to do with it.

  18. does that also mean they were all inside the Matrix? it would explain some of the superhuman things John Matrix was able to do

  19. but Predator is also in the Alien universe which means that the Alien movies are also in the Matrix and that would uhhhh…….oh shit I’ve broken my brain again…..

    fuck it, all of of fiction is either just a dream by that retarded kid in St Elsewhere or just different dimensions in the Dark Tower universe

  20. If all Silver productions are set in the same universe I demand to see Jack Cates team up with Martin Riggs to capture Simon Phoenix!

  21. pegsman, and then the predator joins the fray and all the other fellas have to team up to fight the new menace. Now the tricky bit would be to have John Matrix and Dutch Schaefer both show up in the same scenes, but nothing a bit of split screen SFX wouldn’t solve. It it worked for Jeremy Irons and Jean Claude Van Damme, it sure can work for Arnold too.

  22. That’s totally awesome, did you have to get permission from Joel Silver/Fox though?

    I look forward to the inevitable Stone Cold referencing T-Shirt.

  23. I saw PREDATORS recently and facepalmed when the CITY OF GOD girl blasphemed and said that the original took place in Guatemala. So it’s refreshing to see some Val Verde love these days since it’s a forgotten relic of pop culture awesomeness. Thanks Vern.

    There’s a province called Valverde in the DR but it’s nowhere near as cool because you don’t see random austrian badasses gunning down canon fodder or dread rocking aliens. Speaking of dreads I do remember Jamaican Homer with his dreads aside from Black Bart. I also remember DON’T WORRY BE HAPPY smiley face bootlegs but Batman symbol with eyes somehow escapes me.

  24. Realistic speaking, Val Verde is a very implausible name for a country. Val Verde means Green Valley in spanish, and it’s absurd to have a whole county named after a single geograhic feature, however small it is. It’s obvious the guy who came up with the name Val Verde is a gringo with limited understanding of spanish, he just cobbled together two random works of spanish he knew of.

  25. are there any trends in bootleg t-shirts these days I wonder?

  26. If I would be a shirt bootlegger, I would take the EXPENDABLES skull logo, stretch it a little bit in Photoshop and sell it as an THE EXPANDABLES shirt.

  27. THIRTY BUCKS? Got damn. I was all set to order one, but that’s too rich for my blood.

    I love the idea of Vern t-shirts representing the lesser known 80s action film staples, and I know you gotta pay the bills, but holey moley.

  28. I hope you will keep the shirt business open for a while, Vern. Because summer is almost over and I won’t buy any new T-Shirts till next year.

  29. Sorry Justin. I’ve always used Cafe Press which is a little cheaper, but they only let you use one design per store, so I had to switch to Zazzle for this idea. My cut is only 10%. I believe I made around 50 bucks in my over a decade on Cafe Press, so I’ll be surprised if this ever pays any bills. If there was a cheaper option (Val Verde sweat shop labor for example) I would do it.

  30. Cafe Press only lets you use one design per store, but there’s nothing to stop you from opening like a bazillion stores.

  31. Zazzle is not very user friendly for creating products, and now that my shirt has arrived I see that the design is way bigger than I intended it to be (I created it to be 6.5″, it printed at 9.5″). So if anybody’s like me and prefers a smaller print on a t-shirt I’m trying to reconfigure it right now.

  32. I was a little slower on this than I intended, but now I’ve officially completed my order. So, there’s a couple bucks closer to paying the bills for ya!

  33. Vern,

    I’m sorry to say that I’m a little disappointed. After one wash, my Viva Val Verde shirt looks 10 years old. I recommend using someone else to print them. The logo cracked and faded on the first washing. That’s never happened to me with a shirt before.

  34. I’m sorry to hear that, Dtroyt. Mine survived one wash, but I’ll keep an eye on it. And if anybody knows another Cafe Press type deal but where you can have more than one design in your store but the quality is higher than Zazzle then let me know.

  35. Never had a problem with Zazzle, sucks they’ve gotten bad. Since I’ve only ever bought from CafePress and Zazzle these options come from other articles I have no experience with their quality:

    SpreadShirt

    http://www.spreadshirt.com/

    Skreened

    http://skreened.com/

  36. It’s ok. Mine will just look well worn. I just wanted to give you a heads up, Vern. Maybe I just got a bad one. Hopefully, nobody else has the same issue.

  37. Val Verde makes another appearance, on Blue Bloods this time. Yeppers, Magnum is tasked with protecting the visiting leader, in New York for medical treatment, leading to New Kid Donnie getting tangled up with an assassination attempt on a decoy. The episode, “Scorched Earth”, aired this past Friday. Not a Dan Hedaya lookalike, but character actor Tony Plana strikes a similar note.

    The twist? The character is named Val Verde, president of “some third-world nation you can’t even pronounce.”

  38. Val Verde is mentioned in THE BALLAD OF BUSTER SCRUGGS.

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