I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

Seattle Film Fest: Vern tackles the new GODZILLA: FINAL WARS film… possibly the last one!

SPOILER ALERT !!

Hey folks, Harry here… I hate Vern… he see MAN IN SUIT first! I hate Moriarty… he see MAN IN SUIT firster! I wanted to see MAN IN SUIT firstest!!! ARGHHHHHHH!

Boys –

I don’t know if you’ve heard the news yet but apparently Godzilla is retiring. I know, I thought it sounded kind of sudden too, but according to the Toho Studios over there in Japan – actually they probaly never said this, but it was reported in magazines here so we’ll pretend it’s true – this is ABSOLUTELY gonna be the VERY LAST Godzilla movie. EVER. The final chapter. The final nightmare. I don’t see how they could ever go back on their word on something like that, so they will probaly just have to start making domestic dramas, or find some new young and edgy giant monster, start him off small and hopefully build him up until all the kids are like, who the fuck is Godzilla? Sounds lame to me, just a ripoff of (new more extreme giant monster from Toho studios).

Godzilla: Final WarsLike anybody, I watched the Godzilla movies when I was a kid. What it was about was, he was giant, he would step on buildings, then some other monster is out in the mountains and they wrestle for a while. A pretty good setup for movies. I figured I might as well see the guy off so I went to see GODZILLA: FINAL WARS at the Seattle International Film Festival.

The plot is simple: ever since Godzilla and about 75 other giant monsters kept attacking the earth, there has been a team called the Earth Defense Force who have spaceships and lasers, also there is a race of mutants who wear special padding and run around shooting lasers at giant monsters because they are mutants. But then one day, 7 or so giant monsters attack at the same time. But then also there are flying saucers that take away the giant monsters. So the United Nations makes peace with the aliens who are called Xilians. But actually they are evil and only pretending to look human and they replaced the UN Secretary General with a phoney because they are trying to turn people into cattle to steal their mitochondria (?) and when the humans find out because the UN Secretary General doesn’t remember his dog the Xilians unleash all the giant monsters and control the mutants using a genetic trait known as M-base which they are able to control and the last band of badass humans go to the South Pole to release Godzilla so he can fight the other giant monsters but he thinks he is still fighting them from the time he got frozen in the South Pole years ago so he also fights against them but hopefully his wacky son Minilla will do something. By the way did I mention that one out of every million mutants or Xiliens is an extra-super powered being called a Keizer, and there’s a giant fireball headed toward the earth for some reason. Also there is motorcycles involved.

Okay on second thought the plot isn’t all that simple. This is a Godzilla movie that’s been drinking too many god damned energy drinks. I was nervous at first because they got these opening credits by Kyle Cooper (the SEVEN credits guy) where they take the entire Godzilla series, compress it into a minute and force you to eat it. Then the camera swoops and editing at the beginning made me think I was in for Godzilla as seen by Michael Bay. And then there was techno music and some guys fighting in a cage. Stay calm though. It’s gonna be okay. I hate that kind of shit and I was able to go with the flow, so you should be okay.

This is not a movie you can take seriously. It’s stupid and silly as all hell, but it’s a lot of damn fun. It was made for the 50th anniversary last year so it combines elements from all throughout the fifty years of Godzilla movies. And luckily they don’t try very hard to update them for modern audiences. The midnight audience here definitely enjoyed it, applauding loudly for the appearance of all the old monsters like they were surprise cameos by beloved actors. Maybe the most applause besides Godzilla went to King Caesar, aka the stupidest looking giant monster of all time. I wasn’t always sure when we were laughing with the movie and when were laughing at it but I think it was mostly the first one. With.

Like alot of these giant monster pictures, it’s pretty much a story in 3 parts:

1. ALL OUT MONSTER MAYHEM. All kinds of crazy giant motherfuckers running around stepping on our buildings. Explosions, vehicles flying through the air, people running around screaming. There are attacks on different parts of the world. Giant bugs, pteroadactyls, spiked armadillos, even that stupid computer animated pet lizard that must’ve replaced Godzilla weeks before filming in the American Mathew Broderick vehicle they mysteriously called GODZILLA at the time. (Now I think they changed the title to BOA VS. PYTHON or something.)

2. The boring middle part with the humans.

3. EVEN BETTER MONSTER MAYHEM. This is the part where Godzilla comes out and fights off all of the other monsters, and some new ones show up. There is even some decapitations in this part. As you know, monsters vs. buildings is good, monsters vs. monsters is better, so they save that for section 3.

Without a doubt, everybody will enjoy sections 1 and 3. I’m not saying it is the best of its type. I’m no expert but the best I’ve seen is the giant flying turtle movies from a few years back. This isn’t as dramatic and it’s more insane than it is clever, but if you like seeing monsters biting each other and impaling each other on towers and shit, then this is what you like. They did a good job on the effects. Godzilla looks cool, the rubber suits look good and the computer animation for spaceships and things like that fits in well. It’s funny to see a realistic computer shot right next to a phoney looking model. I like the mish mash of styles.

Now, having talked to some people after the movie, alot of people seemed to have trouble with the Section 2. And it is a good point, it definitely would be a stronger movie if it was tightened a little bit. But in my experience, the Section 2 of this movie is far more enjoyable than in most other giant monster type pictures. Usually in a picture like this, you got a bunch of scientists in lab coats standing around talking about fake science. Or a bunch of military guys in military uniforms standing around talking about fake weapons. Or a bunch of reporters in reporter clothes going to interview scientists and military guys to find out about the giant monster’s secret. Or crap like that. I haven’t seen too many giant monster pictures that *don’t* have a boring human part in the middle. Or all throughout.

In this one, the Section 2 is far more in keeping with the feel of the giant monsters, because it’s completely over the top. It’s in the future, so everybody wears silly uniforms like out of a japanese cartoon you watched when you were a kid and still think is good because you can’t let it go. There’s a martial arts battle on motorcycles which alot of people thought shoulda been cut, but I would gladly take that over a pretty young reporter visiting an old man on an island to find out what he learned about Godzilla in the ’50s. Most surprising to me, I was able to remember who most of the main characters were, and at many points was actually involved in what they were doing. Near the end, I even caught myself rooting for the good guys to survive! Usually I would want them to get eaten.

I guess the two main opposing forces would be the cocky young leader of the Xiliens (picture a Japanese Stephen Dorff as a villain in a Joel Schumacher movie) and the leader of the mutants, who argues you gotta have heart to defend the earth. The sensitive mutant. You know how some of the newsies in the talkbacks are always talking about “this movie is so gay” and “this is the gayest thing ever,” etc. Well those guys are gonna be real uncomfortable during this movie, because these are the most effeminate hero and villain I’ve seen in a while. It’s almost like they’re having a gay-off. Homophobes will be denying things about themselves left and right.

Both the mutants and the Xiliens have a philosophical struggle between guys who just want to fight (in fact, think they were born to fight) and guys who want to find peaceful solutions. I like the way this mirrors the struggle of the giant monsters (who they are supposedly related to genetically). Godzilla never really seems to know for sure if he is a building smasher or a human protector, but it’s a theme of this movie that you can make the choice, so I guess he does in the end.

I mean look, do you think it’s EASY being Godzilla? 400 feet tall, radioactive, single father. The closest thing he ever gets to action is, sometimes this giant moth helps him in his fights. I mean nothing against Mothra, she’s pretty hot for a giant moth, but I just don’t get the impression Godzilla is satisfied. Plus, you gotta realize he spends alot of his life hibernating – frozen in ice or buried underwater or something. And then every time he wakes up either it’s Hiroshima, or he’s gotta fight a bunch of fuckin dragons and lobsters and space bats and crap. All this AND he’s got the whole war/peace philosophical quandary weighing on his mind. No wonder he wants to retire.

By the way, these are aliens like the ones they had in the old days. You know they’re aliens because they have those old thin sunglasses that fake punk rockers used to wear in movies. The movie tries to be modern by having wire fighting and matrixy camerawork and techno music, but it’s not afraid to just say “fuck it” and be old fashioned in other ways.

BY FAR the most memorable thing about this movie is an actual good human character. His name is Captain Gordon, and he seems to be American (his whole part is spoken in English). He looks exactly like a cartoon, complete with boots, gloves, giant neck and mustache. Several people compared him to the wrestler Sergeant Slaughter. I looked him up and sure enough the actor, Don “The Predator” Frye, is a one time ultimate fighting champion and apparently also a pro-wrestler in Japan. Here he’s the macho captain of the giant monster fighters. He pilots a spaceship with a big drill on the front, but he’s always carrying a sword. You start to wonder if he’s ever gonna use the god damn thing, especially when the sword gets taken away from him for a while. Sure enough, during Section 3 he gets to run around cutting up aliens, and get in a few references to VERSUS, that zombie/samurai movie teenagers like (it’s by the same director as FINAL WARS).

I’m not saying this guy is a pro but his acting is much better than the usual English speaking actors in Japanese movies. They usually sound like they’re reading off of smeared cue cards. This guy just looks so ridiculous and cool and he has the personality of a John Carpenter anti-hero. He gets a couple good lines in. When he’s face to face with Godzilla with no more guns or spaceships, he stands there with his hand on his sword. I’m convinced that if it came down to it, he would’ve tried to take on Godzilla with his sword.

I walked out of this movie thinking holy shit, a couple years from now I’ll still remember that character and his cool mustache. How many Godzilla movies have memorable human characters in them? Maybe the tormented scientist who kills himself in the first one. That’s about all I can remember.

Captain Gordon: all time best white guy in a Godzilla movie.

They do get a couple swipes in at Americans though. The scene in New York (a dispute between a pimp and a cop) is a weird reflection of how we must look to the rest of the world. Also there’s the matter of that lizard from the American GODZILLA. On the opening credits it says something about the rock band “Sum 41,” which got some boos. It turned out their song was used as the theme of the American Godzilla lizard as he got his ass whooped. Bad American music to represent bad American monsters. A real funny scene. It’s not every day you get to see a hated Big Summer Event Movie actually get beaten and killed on screen.

Anyway, this was a fun movie, Godzilla did a good job and I would watch other movies if Don Frye was in them. I think fans of this type of movie will enjoy it. It would be better with an audience than by yourself on video, though.

If Godzilla ever comes out of retirement I hope it’s post-apocalyptic and Captain Gordon is the main human character. And he builds a road warrior type Mechanigodzilla out of junk.

Oh, what am I saying? If the guy doesn’t want to work anymore he doesn’t have to. Congratulations on your retirement Godzilla. Don’t let King Kong give you any shit.

thanks Godzilla,

Vern

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/20335

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • May 30, 2005, 2:35 a.m. CST

    Jesus, am i really home on a sunday nite

    by magic_ninja

    Or I guess it’s now monday. God, did my favorite bar really run out of Jager, forcing me to retire to my abode, where i had a slightly chilled bottle waiting for me? I don’t know, but what i do know is that, Vern, your reviews always kick so much ass. No matter what it is, if you hated it or liked it, you reviews always make me smile. Thanks man.

  • May 30, 2005, 3:01 a.m. CST

    sounds great

    by IamNumber1

    I’ll be there opening day…whenever that’ll be

  • May 30, 2005, 3:07 a.m. CST

    Godzi rocks!!

    by DerLanghaarige

    But why do you hate the Emmerich-Godzilla? Did you expected a smart film about a giant Lizard from the guy who brought us ID4? Hell, I like it! (But yes, there’s nuthin’ like da real stuff!)

  • May 30, 2005, 3:16 a.m. CST

    God Bless all of those great Monsters who have fallen in the lin

    by Eugene O

    And super review, Vern! You are probably THE most Important Critic on the reviewing scene today. I’m not kidding.

  • May 30, 2005, 3:24 a.m. CST

    American Godzilla wasn’t THAT bad

    by seanny_d

    Or was it? I think I was 15 when I saw it. Even bought the soundtrack. Puff Daddy with Jimmy Page? GOLDEN.

    This looks interesting though. Is it going to have a wide American release?

  • May 30, 2005, 3:27 a.m. CST

    Vern, you must insist they let you write more reviews.

    by Shan

    That was a really funny review. Brilliant, just brilliant. Ryuhei Kitamura studied film here in Australia and has returned the favour by coming here to film some of our famous landmarks. Oh yes, hurry up with Versus 2 please.

  • May 30, 2005, 3:33 a.m. CST

    Come on, who can forget “Eskimo Spy!”

    by Orionsangels

  • May 30, 2005, 3:35 a.m. CST

    Sum 41 is Canadian…

    by DefyThis

    you hoser!

  • May 30, 2005, 3:41 a.m. CST

    Every recent Godzilla movie that comes out they always say this

    by Thirteen 13

    No matter though. I love Godzilla and they can keep making them as far as I’m concerned. Well except for that hideous American Godzilla they made back in 1999. That was a complete disaster. The only thing that trainwreck has in common with the other Godzilla films is the title “Godzilla”, and thats it.

  • May 30, 2005, 3:44 a.m. CST

    The most embarrassing case of “The Original Is Better” posturing

    by BurnHollywood

    GINO (Godzilla In Name Only) vs. MISS (Man In Shitty Suit)…

  • May 30, 2005, 3:45 a.m. CST

    When does this movie come to theatres in LA!!!

    by andrew coleman

    Because I must see it. This will better than every movie this summer.

  • May 30, 2005, 4:06 a.m. CST

    original did suck

    by Rupee88

    I saw it recently and was so disappointed. I liked it a lot as a kid.

  • May 30, 2005, 4:10 a.m. CST

    Oil Can Boyd

    by Vern

    Hey bud, let me decipher the secret code in my review for you. THE FINAL CHAPTER is a Jason picture. THE FINAL NIGHTMARE is a Freddy picture. Neither of them were the last in their series. Like this one. Nobody really believes this is the last Godzilla movie. So don’t worry, nobody is worried, so you don’t have to get upset about people being upset about it. As for the other people, I really don’t know what you are asking me. You want a disclaimer saying the movie is rated PG because your son licked somebody’s boobs on a plane? Completely lost me there but good luck with that one I guess. Anyway thanks everybody for making it through the review, the next one will be better and will contain a disclaimer about some guy licking boobs and calling his wife a slut. p.s. okay, so Sum 41 is bad NORTH american music then. How the fuck am I supposed to know this. but I do have a commitment to excellence so I apologize for my error

  • May 30, 2005, 4:13 a.m. CST

    oh yeah, one other thing

    by Vern

    This is to the guy whose kid licked a girl. About your question about there being a kid with a baseball cap in the movie. Yes, there is. He discovers Godzilla’s son Minilla and they ride around in a truck together. They play a very important Pocahontas like role in the movie. And by that I do not mean that they hang out with racoons and humming birds.

  • May 30, 2005, 4:29 a.m. CST

    This will be the final Godzilla – and Harry will eat his final d

    by Masht

    Actually the latter is possible, as Harry will leave this mortal coil eventually, but Godzilla won’t ever die completely.

  • May 30, 2005, 5:43 a.m. CST

    Vern,

    by Elkatak

  • May 30, 2005, 5:44 a.m. CST

    Vern,

    by Elkatak

    your Homepage is down?!?!

  • May 30, 2005, 5:49 a.m. CST

    OilCanBoyd

    by Elkatak

    There actually was a third Beastmaster film. And a brilliant one it was

  • May 30, 2005, 5:51 a.m. CST

    When’s the next book out Vern?

    by Atropos

    I really, really, want my next Vern book to be your essays/sporadic blog… That shit was even funnier than your reviews, and that’s not an easy thing.

    Oh, and “It’s in the future, so everybody wears silly uniforms like out of a japanese cartoon you watched when you were a kid and still think is good because you can’t let it go”.

    Too fuckin’ true. I just spent an obscene amount of money on some weird 80’s manga DVDs I’ll never watch, because I was obsessed with it as a 7-year-old (it was the only cartoon you could get at my local video-store for the betamax my father so cleverly invested in.

  • May 30, 2005, 7:28 a.m. CST

    Maibe they want to steal our Midi Clorians!!!!

    by Judge Doom

    Yeah, they hate the american godzilla now, but after it

  • May 30, 2005, 8:14 a.m. CST

    Beastmaster III

    by Darth_Binge

    the main demon, Braxus summoned at the end was in fact the earl suit from ‘dinosaurs’ with some horns stuck on it. brillant.

  • May 30, 2005, 8:22 a.m. CST

    Remember “Rampage: World Tour?”

    by Ribbons

    I miss that game. Anyway, this reminds me of that.

  • May 30, 2005, 9:05 a.m. CST

    THIS MOVIE IS CRAZY. YOU GOTTA SEE MINYA WITH A SEATBELT ON!!!!

    by CuervoJones

    Is so stupid! i love it!

  • May 30, 2005, 9:19 a.m. CST

    As always, solid Vern contribution

    by MonkeyBytes

    And not a scatological reference to be seen. Honestly, how many times have I read a Harry review hoping he won’t mention bodily emissions in some way and been sorely dissapointed. Sometimes I get halfway through something and he throws in an offhand remark about shit just to burst my bubble.

    Please Harry, try writing a review where you don’t compare the film to a shit you took last Thursday. And Vern, great analysis of Godzilla’s moral quandry… keep up the good work.

  • May 30, 2005, 10:01 a.m. CST

    I hope it makes it to DC….

    by Kentucky Colonel

    Maybe, just maybe, Lowe’s will show it at the Uptown. It’s only a 1933 Art Deco Cinerama screen. Just ROTS there and was BLOWN AWAY. Frickin’ 70 foot wide curved screen, man. www.cinematreasures.com

  • May 30, 2005, 10:02 a.m. CST

    Best Movie Site ever that has nothing to do with “movies”

    by Kentucky Colonel

  • May 30, 2005, 10:04 a.m. CST

    Best Movie Site ever that has nothing to do with “movies” take I

    by Kentucky Colonel

    www.cinematreasures.com A loving tribute to where we see the movies. Aftre seeing the Paramont Theater down in Austin, TX I really, REALLY want to vactation there. This website has become my new movie heroin.

  • May 30, 2005, 11:04 a.m. CST

    Mitochondria (not to be confused with midichlorians)…

    by GreatWhiteNoise

    That’d be interesting to see how you’d get a hold of those, given that they exist within each of your cells. Sounds messy, actually. Will watch for Final Wars coming to Vancouver anytime soon.

  • May 30, 2005, 12:09 p.m. CST

    Mitochondria

    by BillEmic

    If you play the Playstation 1 game “Parasite Eve” (based off the Japanese novl), you’ll learn a lot about mitochondria. The plot concerns some kind of virus(?) that mutates the mitochondria in our cells and can turn people into monsters…like these rats turn into demonic, monster rats (like something out of John Carpenter’s Thing). It’s a pretty good game, with an excellent soundtrack and dazzling CG cinematics. That said, I’ve been waiting forever to see this friggin’ Godzilla movie. Moriarty saw it ages ago. When are we filthy Americans going to get it on DVD?

  • May 30, 2005, 12:12 p.m. CST

    Aliens in control of the UN? At last a logical reason to confirn

    by Fred

  • May 30, 2005, 2:27 p.m. CST

    Fred. . .

    by Harry Coin

    I enjoy your skillfull interjection of politics into a movie website. Your comments are perfect. . . FOR ME TO POOP ON!!!!

  • May 30, 2005, 3:20 p.m. CST

    MONSTER ZERO (1965) gets my vote for the best of the series, bec

    by FrankDrebin

    Only these aliens wore color-coordinated motorcycle helmets instead of hipster sunglasses. But, seriously, King Ghidorah is one of the coolest movie creations ever, right up there with the Creature from the Black Lagoon or Giger’s Alien.

  • May 30, 2005, 3:50 p.m. CST

    SUM 41…

    by tango fett

    ROCKS. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHApuke

  • May 30, 2005, 3:56 p.m. CST

    also…

    by tango fett

    RAMPAGE: WORLD TOUR ROCKS. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHApoop

  • May 30, 2005, 6:18 p.m. CST

    the beastmaster came and went

    by Bouncy X

    hate to burst your bubbles folks but beastmaster 3 was made a few years ago, it was a made for tv movie under that “action pack” thingy that hercules started with. it actually succeeded in making part 2 seem good.

  • May 30, 2005, 7:57 p.m. CST

    Midicholyrians

    by radio1_mike

    Midichlorians are mitochondria. Just ‘new-age’ mitochondria. Cell metabolism happens in the mitochondria. The Godzilla 1998 was decent, until the big reveal and then that it was a mommy. Ugh. Godzilla 98 lost me because ol’ Zil looks small amongst the skyscrapers. Even Toho’s films always have him on the industrial outskirts of Toyko, so he still looks suitably large.

  • May 30, 2005, 8:47 p.m. CST

    This THE LAST Godzilla film…

    by crackerfarmboy

    …until the next one.

  • May 30, 2005, 8:58 p.m. CST

    Holy wasp women bitch slapping vampires from space in the backgr

    by Neosamurai85

    Man

  • May 30, 2005, 9:39 p.m. CST

    Great review Vern!

    by Neosamurai85

    Well written, mucho funny and enjoyably long. Viva da lizard! Peace.

  • May 31, 2005, 12:49 a.m. CST

    does ultraman show up?

    by cherrycola

    god damnit. a film withOUT ultraman?? I’ll be sure to miss it.

  • May 31, 2005, 1:52 a.m. CST

    I might be mistaken

    by Falcon5768

    but isnt Sum41 Canadian?

    No, Im not mistaken im positive they are from Canada.

    I mean if they are going to take a shot wouldnt so shitty teeny pop singer here have been better than a Canadian band?

  • May 31, 2005, 2:08 a.m. CST

    A very enjoyable review, Vern!–

    by dahauk

    fun, well written review! Toho was taking quite a chance letting this young upstart director of Versus take control of a traditionally older ,more established director’s position. Sounds like he’s added nice touches of style to the movie–I was wondering if he’d try weird photography tricks ala Matrix with the guys-in-suits-monsters and wasn’t sure it would ‘work’. I love the big green guy, but the concept is an unchanging formula:He shows up, stomps, leaves. Only the decorations de jour change each movie. He’s in a rut,every movie is basicly the same just done-over with alterations. No one’s come up with a way to break it loose, so it’s stagnating. Trusting a hot young director to try his take on it was a great idea and just maybe might change their mind or allow them to expand the parimeters and therefore the story possibilities in future movies. Plus Toho has said current plan is to hold the franchise dormant for a decade and re-evaluate. They could change their mind. And I wouldn’t mind them creating some new giant-creature series. The new Gamera movies were amazingly well done, really, I was stunned how entertaining they were, but I still thot the giant turtle too silly to let go completely. Imagine if they had a really seriously nasty giant-creature to star. I’d rather they pursue other giant-creature movies than another of those wet,longhaired,pasty skinned ghost things.Ring/Grunge=same monster? My all-time favorite line from a Godzilla movie was in Godzilla ’85 when the big wigs of Japan are in a conference and they’re told Godzilla has been sighted in the ocean near Tokyo, and the main government official shrugs away the possible panic by saying ”How do we know the monster will attack the city?” HELLO! Has Godzilla EVER shown up and NOT attacked the city!?!

  • May 31, 2005, 2:37 a.m. CST

    Neosamurai85: since you know who Don Opper is, ANDROID (1982) is

    by FrankDrebin

    Klaus Kinski as a mad scientist! … in outer space! … building killer robots! … for some reason!

  • May 31, 2005, 4:41 a.m. CST

    GODZILLA FOREVER

    by khashooggi

    When will this movie ever come here to the states? Will we have to settle for a DVD release?

  • May 31, 2005, 7:49 a.m. CST

    Hey thanks FrankDrebin!

    by Neosamurai85

    This news… it makes me… how you say… very happy! When it comes to nice wake ups (Yeah, I just woke up… What? I’m off work today, so I was up all night watching Sunny Chiba!) that’s almost as good as forgetting I got a box of peanut butter puffs waiting for me down stairs. Now if they’d only release that crazy shi-fi film that previews on the old VHS of Reanimator… bliss… Peace,

  • May 31, 2005, 8:52 a.m. CST

    Good review… but, uhhhm…

    by Kid Z

    … Sum 41, like all things musically crappy, are Canadian.

  • May 31, 2005, 10:51 a.m. CST

    Most Canadian music may be shit…

    by Neosamurai85

    but they did give us Leonard Cohen. Sure he’s cranked out a few bad albums, but at his prime he was one of the few song writers that could give Dylan a run for his money. Peace.

  • May 31, 2005, 10:52 a.m. CST

    first! and last….

    by satansteve

    first for me…last for godzilla…bizang!

  • May 31, 2005, 10:55 a.m. CST

    Not All Canadian bands suck…

    by Darth Busey

    RUSH was pretty good. Looking forward to this flick. Haven’t seen a Godzilla movie in about 25 years, but loved them as a little kid. Godzookie driving a car? I’M THERE.

  • May 31, 2005, 11:38 a.m. CST

    Hey Zombie Hunter…

    by Neosamurai85

    Your friend A.J. sent a message via your butler Wang… message reads you

  • May 31, 2005, 11:44 a.m. CST

    Uh… about that, “(Yeah, I just woke up… What? I’m off wo

    by Neosamurai85

    My clock seemed to free in sheer awe of the baddassnass of Chiba. Thus I woke up to the computer, where I fell asleep watching da Chiba, and thought it was 1:45 in the afternoon when I posted that. That’s kind of why I didn’t really pick on thoses firsters above. This is looking like one of those trip on your sisters little dog kind of days. Peace.

  • May 31, 2005, 1:52 p.m. CST

    Got it reserved at Netflix

    by Kentucky Colonel

    Final Wars isn’t out yet, but I have it “in the queue” over at Netflix. How about Jet Jaguar? Does he show up? How ’bout a Jet Jaguar-Ultraman homoerotic kaiju picture with lots of robotic bukakki? Truly the end of western civilization!

  • May 31, 2005, 5:21 p.m. CST

    Godzilla and schoolgirls.

    by Alex Mack

    Godzilla, anime, manga, Tempura, and cute schoolgirls wearing short skirts…gotta love Japan!

  • May 31, 2005, 6:38 p.m. CST

    You want to know why Gojira’s retiring?

    by Zone Zero

    Because he’s hiding from Gamera. That’s right, Gojira cannot handle Gamera. So, he’s gonna take his ball and go home. You don’t hear of Gamera retiring. He’s hardcore Kaiju. When they proposed that Gojira vs Gamera movie, I was pumped! But when Toho bitched out and walked then they said they were retiring Gojira… well… all I said was “wuss! pussy!”. So it’s official. Gamera > Godzilla.

  • May 31, 2005, 7 p.m. CST

    Yeah, that Gamera guy…

    by Neosamurai85

    Everybody knows he LOVES children… especially the little boys I gather. Peace.

  • May 31, 2005, 8:13 p.m. CST

    Probaly no theatrical release in the US

    by Vern

    Yes, they had the premiere in the US (see elsewhere on this sight) but I have been told that Sony later decided to pass on a theatrical release AND on video. I’m not sure what that means exactly except that they don’t like money as much as I thought they did. All of this Kitamura guy’s movies do well on video in the US, and as far as I can tell there is no reason to watch them. This one has Godzilla who I believe is popular among young males, etc. so you’d think it would do better than those.

  • May 31, 2005, 8:27 p.m. CST

    Mitochondria? Sweet!

    by JackBristow

    Will Godzilla have a black lightsaber? Who will he fight? Darth Mothman? Kick ass!

  • June 2, 2005, 1:55 a.m. CST

    I already knew it was the last one for months!

    by Assassin X

    I dont remember if it was a DVD or a website but where it was they mentioned the movie and it mentioend this was suppose to be the last Godzilla forever.

    Not to mention they also had the site link to the movies site.

  • March 29, 2009, 2:17 a.m. CST

    lol I be test postin

    by The Amazing G

    hey man!

    ///

    he was in my face!

    ///

    I’M in yo face

  • March 29, 2009, 2:18 a.m. CST

    numbah two

    by The Amazing G

    hey man!

    ”’

    I’m gay :(

    ”’

    LOL WUT!?

    ”’

    blo

  • March 29, 2009, 2:19 a.m. CST

    will this work?

    by The Amazing G

    I

    <ba//s>

    don’t

    <ba//s>

    know

  • March 29, 2009, 2:20 a.m. CST

    babag

    by The Amazing G

    flooga <ba//s> hooga <ba//s> beega

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 1st, 2005 at 5:00 am and is filed under AICN, Horror, Reviews, SIFF. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

10 Responses to “Seattle Film Fest: Vern tackles the new GODZILLA: FINAL WARS film… possibly the last one!”

  1. RRA – I read your comment on another thread about the online criticism of GODZILLA ’14, of some people complaining about the pacing being too slow. My response to that would be – they’re a pack whiny pussies. They possibly saw the trailer for TRANSFORMERS 4 – RETURN OF THE EYE-RAPIST M. BAY SHYAMALAN, before watching GODZILLA, and prematurely ejaculated into their popcorn. Thus rendering their enjoyment of an intelligent, well structured, and yes, slowly paced(for a very fucking good reason) film, flaccid. Me, I like dry popcorn.

    Godzilla movies are about the payoff of seeing giant creatures battle it out while buildings crumble and people flee for their life. Foreplay is essential. You can’t watch people just fucking for 120 minutes and not get bored. A whole movie of a few giant creatures tearing up the town would get tedious. You need story, character, nuance, momentum. Then the supremo payoff.

    GODZILLA is a smart movie. Edwards’ approach to the material was deadly serious. The only thing I could *maybe* say was a negative, was the absence of any humour. But it wasn’t joyless or dreary at all. Dark, yes. I thought it was a great movie.

  2. SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPAAAAAAAAAAAACE

    If someone can’t find the joy in Godzilla nuclear barfing down another monster’s throat I don’t know what to tell them.

  3. I have some issues with the film’s depiction of G-Zeezy’s motivations (I prefer him a bit more ambiguous) but that part can’t be fucked with.

  4. I don’t see the problem, he’s not the kind of guy (monster?) to just go around smashing shit for no reason, but you better not get in his way

    anyway I saw the movie but I’m gonna save my thoughts for Vern’s hopefully upcoming review

  5. what I mean is he’s not the kind of guy to just go around smashing shit for no reason, but you better not get in his way, so he’s not a total good guy either who’s going to go out of way to prevent any destruction of property

  6. CrustaceanLove

    May 18th, 2014 at 7:40 pm

    ANGRY POLICE CAPTAIN: Okay, Godzilla, you did 200 billion dollars of property damage this morning while trying to take down King Ghidora! Now I’ve got the Mayor on my case! You’re on suspension! Hand over your gun and badge!

    GODZILLA: *SKREEEEEONK!!*

  7. If Godzilla is the bad cop than Anguirius is the good cop.

  8. There’s actually some stealth humor in the new Godzilla movie. SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER STOP READING DUDE DON’T DO IT SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER If you don’t think that Ford Brody giving that kid an Army action figure was a subtle nod to his actual role in the movie, then I got nothing. Of course there’s a cameo by Mothra’s aquarium, and the genuinely funny “SHIT IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN AT THE AIRPOR-” *cut away to a television where Godzilla is being pestered by that MUTO like an old man fighting off an angry pigeon* which was masterful.

    Also, Big G himself is great. Looks like a tired old bear who just woke up from hibernation and would like nothing better than to rest for another ten thousand years. But these fucking MUTOs will overrun the Earth, man. So I guess old G has got to drag his ass off the sea floor and fuckin’ end these little squirts before they get out of hand. Being Godzilla ain’t easy.

  9. THE BLOG THAT ATE MY COMMENTS! by Blog Blogger, new at everything

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