"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

The Original Kings of Comedy

This is a new comedy concert movie directed by Spike Lee. Instead of having somebody good like Richard Pryor as the star, the gimmick here is that it’s Steve Harvey, D.L. Hughley, Cedric the Entertainer and Bernie Mac.

Just kidding bud the truth is these guys aren’t bad. I never even heard of the motherfuckers but apparently that’s what all the white people say. Sorry boys. They are popular enough to fill up a god damn stadium in Charlotte, North Carolina so they must be pretty popular there, in my opinion. Unless they just let everybody in for free but I don’t think they did.

Apparently a couple of these motherfuckers have shows on pbs or one of those type of stations that nobody watches. One is called the steve harvey show, the other is called d.l. Hughley presents The Hughleys. Now one thing I wanna know, if these motherfuckers are so funny why they can’t come up with a real name for a show. No, it’s gotta be The Steve Harvey Show. The Hughleys. The Wayans Brothers. The Jamie Foxx show. Martin. the Drew Carey Show. Seinfeld. Ellen. Roseanne. The Cosby Show. Norm. Titus. The Jeff Foxworthy Show. (read the rest of this shit…)

August 18th, 2000 | 1 Comment »

Ghost Dog and Titus on DVD

Well it brings tears to an old man’s eyes to point out that it has been 1 penny solid that I have been on the outside of the correctional system. 365 days of freedom. Good lord what a beautiful year. Very few brushes with the law or neighbors and many months of clarity and sobriety. It has gotten to the point where I can even wait patiently in line at a bank without much shuffling my feet or getting a sweaty forehead.

And the lord likes to bless us on these types of occasions and this week he has some doozies for me. Because GUESS WHO DOESN’T HAVE CHLAMYDIA! That’s right, thanks to all of your prayers, my test came back negative. Must be some other kind of infection. So you heard the lord girls. All ladies over 18, Vern is back open for business!

But there are a couple things in this world more important than disease-free sex, or even finishing a weekly column on time. And one of them is GHOST DOG: WAY OF THE MOTHERFUCKIN SAMURAI. Artisan home entertainment has kindly agreed to commemorate my anniversary by releasing my favorite film Ghost Dog to video as well as to the popular digital versatile disc format which I highly recommend. You see like many digital versatile discs, or “dvds” as many of us call them for short, GHOST DOG has many extra bonus type deals on it which are NOT on the tired, obsolete and embarrassing medium of the “vcr tape”. (read the rest of this shit…)

August 14th, 2000 | No Comments »

The Opportunists

What I like about this low key independent crime picture from 2000 is it’s small time in every way. I mean it’s got Chris Walken in the lead and he’s a big movie star, but everything about the story and characters goes against Hollywood’s idea of what’s exciting. The story is your usual “ex-con gone straight is running out of options and has to do one last score to survive” type deal but put in a more realistic, unglamorous, ungritty context. This is an unthriller.

Walken lives in suburban New York. I don’t remember ever seeing big buildings in this one. Here he’s a nice guy, almost timid, definitely not the King of New York. You could argue he’s a player because he goes between three places: a house with his grown up daughter, a tiny apartment above his girlfriend’s bar, and a trailer by the garage he rents out. But he’s embarassed of his past and never tries to be a tough guy about it. He’s a mechanic but he doesn’t seem to get much work and on this day doesn’t get the money because he fucked up the job. (read the rest of this shit…)

August 11th, 2000 | No Comments »

Hollow Man

You know what I fucking HATE? Chlamydia.

Just my 2 cents.

Anyway this week is an exciting week because for the first time in my career, I get to review a movie that one of my dedicated readers actually worked on. You see one of my best readers has been working over there in the tippet special effects studios where they did the starship troopers and etc. He has mentioned to me several times that they were working on a movie called Hollow Man. I think I mentioned this in my “summer movie preview” but when he saw some footage coming back he told me it looked like something they didn’t have to be embarrassed of. And I thought, that sounds like a good fucking movie.

Well now I’ve seen it and it looks like the “critical” “establishment” doesn’t agree with me on this one, but I think Hollow Man is some kind of moronic masterpiece. Well, they do agree with the moronic part. So I guess we are almost on the same page. (read the rest of this shit…)

August 7th, 2000 | 3 Comments »

Best fuckin movie EVER?

Folks this week I’m gonna cut right to the chase. I have just seen a movie that is new to dvd that is VERY likely the BEST FUCKIN MOVIE EVER. This is a movie many of you have probaly never seen and hell I never even HEARD of this piece until the other day however it is, for those of you just joining us, the BEST FUCKIN MOVIE EVER.

Now I have been tallying and calculating votes for the top 100 Badass Films of All Time and this picture has not received one vote. And I’m not complainin because this is not a Badass picture per se. It is more of a drama than an action film and is more about feeling and sentiment than about attitude and breaking a motherfucker’s arms or whatever.

The name of the picture is Knightriders, a film directed by George A. Romero in 1980. It was one of those movies that did very poorly at the box office and was never heard of again…. until it came to dvd and most people discovered that it was the BEST FUCKIN MOVIE EVER. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 31st, 2000 | 28 Comments »

Vern Steals A Look At THE RING Part I and II!!

SPOILER ALERT !!

Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here. One of my favorite critics on the web right now is Vern, a guy who tells it like it is at his website, Then Fuck You, Jack. He’s got eclectic tastes to say the least, and when he recommends something that’s off the beaten path, I’ve found it’s normally worth the effort to check out whatever he’s excited about. Let’s see what’s got him in a lather now.

Hey there Harry, Morry, Father Geek and etc.

Remember me, it’s Vern. One of if not THE most established web based ex-con Writers on the films of Cinema in the past 7-8 months.

Well boys today I have something important for you, ol’ Vern is gonna tell you about a movie series everybody in your clique will be talking about a ways down the line. While you guys have been running circles around the New Line Cinema trying to find out what’s going on with these hobbit movies you never even realized that it was all just a distraction from the REAL franchise New Line is trying to develop. Not LORD OF THE RINGS but just THE RING. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 27th, 2000 | No Comments »

Trekkies

First off, an update on the International Badass Committee’s 100 Most Badass Films of All Time project. I am currently tabulating all of the mathematical equations, the scoring, the points and what not. It is a very complicated type of process which I will not bother to bore you with but let’s just say it requires both addition, subtraction and other forms of mathematical skills which, to be frankly honest I am not the best at. So if Soccer Dog: The Movie or some shit like that ends up winning, that is why. Human error.

Also did you know there is a movie out now called The Real Mackaw that is about a talking parrot named Mack that knows all the secrets of the pirates. I mean jesus these Hollywood people what goes on over there. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 24th, 2000 | 7 Comments »

The Return of Clint

First of all guys I would like to apologize for last week’s abbreviated type column. To be frankly honest I was excited to get working on this 100 Greatest Badasses of All Time list and didn’t have it in me to write a halfway decent column.

Well you get what you put into it and I guess that’s why karma decided to fuck me in the ass and make sure nobody will respond to my survey. Well, I shouldn’t say nobody. I got responses from about four of my most dedicated. The rest of you, we need your help. This is an important and historical type list and we need all the input we can. You gotta send me a list of the most badass movies you ever seen, with the name of the badass performer in parentheses where applicable.

Now, I don’t need to tell Mike D’Angelo this, but yes, you can vote for ladies. Don’t expect me to be pulling none of this chauvinistic type garbage and saying it is not allowed. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I wouldn’t want to shoot something that big out of my pussy and I don’t want to fuck with anybody that does.

Don’t take that too literally by the way boys I am not a hermaphrodite. It’s a figure of speech fer christ’s sakes.

Anyway thanks to those of you who already helped out but I’m gonna need more. Right now I’m not even sure if we have 100 movies in the running yet. We need some more competition.

One individual who is having a pretty good showing in the survey so far, and rightly so, is Mr. Clint Eastwood. Now I believe this individual to be perhaps the greatest Badass icon of all time, and as a director himself I consider him to be a Badass laureate. I am a fan of all of the action stars who choose to direct, from Bruce Lee right on down the line to Steve Seagal. But I’m not sure any of them, even Mr. Lee, has come up with anything quite as soulful as Clint’s Unforgiven. This is one of the all time great films about that classic dilemma of the Badass, “I really want to stop killing all these motherfuckers but jesus the situations keep coming up and I keep killing them.” (read the rest of this shit…)

July 17th, 2000 | 5 Comments »

Heavy Metal 2000

Let’s face it, only nerds watch cartoons.

Okay so I know the above statement will rile up alot of male individuals of the internet. I know it is an overgeneralizational type deal especially since I have been known to like the cartoons. Such as the Miyazaki fellow hailing from the island of Japan. That is one individual who knows how to make a fucking CARTOON.

But jesus. I mean, Heavy Metal 2000. Need I say more? Probaly not. But I will. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 11th, 2000 | 5 Comments »

Introducing the World Badass Committee

Well you know what gang, I have been putting up with these AFI and BFI top 100 lists since, well, at least since several months after I got out of prison. I have seen the AFI Top 100 greatest movies ever made. I have seen the AFI top 100 funniest movies about men dressed as women. I have seen the BFI top one hundred best movies that are not funny of all time in Britain. And etc.

And by the way as a tangentally speaking, which do you think is more annoying, americans who only watch anime or americans who only watch british tv shows. I mean face it guys just having a british accent does not necessarily make a joke funnier. I don’t care what some jackass with a pony tail and and knee high boots says red dwarf is not something to brag about. We had that same show in the us, it was called Homeboys From Outer Space and even UPN wouldn’t keep it on for more than three seasons. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 10th, 2000 | No Comments »

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »
  • Hey bud, thanks for reading.

    Don't feel obligated, but here are some

  • WAYS YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SHIT OUT OF VERN & OUTLAWVERN.COM

    if that's your thing:

  • 1. Patreon

    Toss me a couple bucks a month, support the good shit, also get access to a bunch of exclusive writing. This is my primary source of writing money that has allowed me to cut down to part time at the day job. Thank you!

  • 2. Buy my books from your local bookseller or somebody

    click here for my Amazon author page

    (NOTE: My ten year contract has passed on the Titan books, so I don't get residuals on them like I do WORM ON A HOOK and NIKETOWN, but I would love for you to read them because I'm proud of them)

    EXTRA CREDIT: Review them on Amazon! That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.

  • 3. If you ever buy from Amazon, go through my links or search engines



    (you pay the same amount you were gonna pay anyway they cut me a little slice)

  • I also have an Amazon UK one:

    (I can't get the search box widget to work anymore, so click on MOONWALKER and then search for what you want.)

  • 4. My exciting line of fashion and leisure products

    (I get a couple bucks per item, you get a cool t-shirt, mug or lifestyle item)

  • 5. Spread the word

    Tell your friends about my reviews and my books and everything. Only cool people though please, we don't need a bunch of suckers and/or chumps around here.

    THANKS EVERYBODY. YOUR FRIEND, VERN

    * * * *

  • Recent commentary and jibber-jabber

    • Alex R on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “Again, do you sincerely think “eat shit and die” is a death threat? It’s mean– I’m definitely not being nice…” Apr 6, 07:05
    • PetrosMT on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “I was very clear that the dangerous part is the adjectives. By now you are so selectively taking everything out…” Apr 6, 06:58
    • Alex R on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “Legit asking what the danger is in me telling you to eat shit and die. Like, am I going to…” Apr 5, 19:08
    • Alex R on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “You used the heinous word “bullshit,” and I specifically remember the way it made my monocle fall from my horrified…” Apr 5, 19:03
    • PetrosMT on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “Alex aside from all the mean spirited vitriol coming my way, I re-read my first comment to see if indeed…” Apr 5, 18:23
    • Gepard on Project Hail Mary: “It’s funny if Weir is claiming Grace was the first character he’s written who *isn’t* a self-insert, because it sure…” Apr 5, 18:06
    • Alex R on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “clarifying that a person isn’t hateful for being condescending to me. using the word “hateful” because of the line “And…” Apr 5, 16:14
    • Alex R on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “PetrosMT: Yeah, so I’m going to “start cursing” in my response to you and not feel like I crossed some…” Apr 5, 16:06
    • Borg9 on Project Hail Mary: “No doubt there’s some good science in the book but not a lot gets through to the movie. I really…” Apr 5, 06:25
    • Schmoe Gunn on The Man From U.N.C.L.E.: “This one is a mixed bag. The biggest flaws are: (1) being a loquacious pedant is not the same thing…” Apr 4, 20:42
    • Skani on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “I enjoyed this film. Could it have been more ambitious or expansive? Sure. Could it have been a different, non-JURASSIC…” Apr 4, 15:29
    • Skani on Primate: “I thought this was solid fun. Pretty brisk, novel premise. A future classic? I wouldn’t bet on it. But it…” Apr 4, 15:21
    • PetrosMT on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “Hello again guys! I’m from Greece, been reading and writing here since forever, can grasp the English language even thought…” Apr 4, 05:31
    • KayKay on Jurassic World: Rebirth: “Thank you Acid Burn. All good.” Apr 4, 02:38
    • Schmoe Gunn on Widows: “One sign this movie aims to claim a permanent space in the genre’s pantheon is that it chooses to treat…” Apr 3, 23:21

  • Recent Commented on Posts

  • Most Comments