"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

The Return of Clint

First of all guys I would like to apologize for last week’s abbreviated type column. To be frankly honest I was excited to get working on this 100 Greatest Badasses of All Time list and didn’t have it in me to write a halfway decent column.

Well you get what you put into it and I guess that’s why karma decided to fuck me in the ass and make sure nobody will respond to my survey. Well, I shouldn’t say nobody. I got responses from about four of my most dedicated. The rest of you, we need your help. This is an important and historical type list and we need all the input we can. You gotta send me a list of the most badass movies you ever seen, with the name of the badass performer in parentheses where applicable.

Now, I don’t need to tell Mike D’Angelo this, but yes, you can vote for ladies. Don’t expect me to be pulling none of this chauvinistic type garbage and saying it is not allowed. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I wouldn’t want to shoot something that big out of my pussy and I don’t want to fuck with anybody that does.

Don’t take that too literally by the way boys I am not a hermaphrodite. It’s a figure of speech fer christ’s sakes.

Anyway thanks to those of you who already helped out but I’m gonna need more. Right now I’m not even sure if we have 100 movies in the running yet. We need some more competition.

One individual who is having a pretty good showing in the survey so far, and rightly so, is Mr. Clint Eastwood. Now I believe this individual to be perhaps the greatest Badass icon of all time, and as a director himself I consider him to be a Badass laureate. I am a fan of all of the action stars who choose to direct, from Bruce Lee right on down the line to Steve Seagal. But I’m not sure any of them, even Mr. Lee, has come up with anything quite as soulful as Clint’s Unforgiven. This is one of the all time great films about that classic dilemma of the Badass, “I really want to stop killing all these motherfuckers but jesus the situations keep coming up and I keep killing them.” (read the rest of this shit…)

July 17th, 2000 | 5 Comments »

Heavy Metal 2000

Let’s face it, only nerds watch cartoons.

Okay so I know the above statement will rile up alot of male individuals of the internet. I know it is an overgeneralizational type deal especially since I have been known to like the cartoons. Such as the Miyazaki fellow hailing from the island of Japan. That is one individual who knows how to make a fucking CARTOON.

But jesus. I mean, Heavy Metal 2000. Need I say more? Probaly not. But I will. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 11th, 2000 | 5 Comments »

Introducing the World Badass Committee

Well you know what gang, I have been putting up with these AFI and BFI top 100 lists since, well, at least since several months after I got out of prison. I have seen the AFI Top 100 greatest movies ever made. I have seen the AFI top 100 funniest movies about men dressed as women. I have seen the BFI top one hundred best movies that are not funny of all time in Britain. And etc.

And by the way as a tangentally speaking, which do you think is more annoying, americans who only watch anime or americans who only watch british tv shows. I mean face it guys just having a british accent does not necessarily make a joke funnier. I don’t care what some jackass with a pony tail and and knee high boots says red dwarf is not something to brag about. We had that same show in the us, it was called Homeboys From Outer Space and even UPN wouldn’t keep it on for more than three seasons. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 10th, 2000 | No Comments »

Fourth of July / I Am Legend

First off I would like to thank the two (2) of you who complimented me on my column last week, an autobiographical work which I have been working on for months as a piece of my memoirs but decided to post in my column. Of course I am not abandoning my home, the world of film Writing, however this is an example of the works I hope to pour my blood sweat and etc. into in the coming months and years. This is very important to me and yes there were two of you who mentioned this to me, this important new step in my life, and I do mean that literally. As in, one more than one, but two less then four, if my calculations are correct. thanks alot guys.

Second off there is the whole fourth of july deal. Not one of my favorite holidays actually, but what are you gonna do. The first thing I think of when I think of the fourth of July is Benji, the dog I had in the ’80s. Not one of your better dogs, he was only a cockapoodle, but the little guy was loyal, his breath was above average and his house breaking was above reproach. Except on the 4th of July. This motherfucker didn’t know what fireworks were, and no matter how many years he lived he just couldn’t remember “Oh yeah, that’s right, I remember that last year.” no, he runs all over the house peeing and shitting on the carpet like a god damned invalid. (except running.) I mean, at a certain point you just get embarrassed for a dog he keeps doing stupid shit like this. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 3rd, 2000 | No Comments »

The Free Vacation

Sometimes the biggest adventures come in suitcases, stashed in ditches, handcuffed to severed arms. I mean that’s how we found this one anyway. Me and Rich Boy Robbie Lamont, driving his beamer down a gravelly road behind a construction site his dad owned, on our way to a cocaine pickup. Robbie’s deal, I had nothing to do with it, but he wanted me for backup and he bribed me with an expensive leather jacket. He’s driving along telling me this long story about why the best leather you can buy smells horrible. I interrupt him as we get close to the rendezvous point.

“So what are we, uh– what’s this Fat Anthony dude look like, then?”

“Whattayou think, Vern? He’s a fat guy,” Robbie laughed.

“Well, I don’t know. How’m I supposed to know? Some of these nicknames they got these days, you never know.” (read the rest of this shit…)

June 26th, 2000 | 4 Comments »

Vern’s summer preview

Well, tomorrow is the first official, scientific day of summer, and you know what that means – time to go to the beach, and it will be sunny, and you go on a vacation, and all that crap. Well in between all those summer activities, you can go to the movies as well, as far as I’m concerned anyway. I know if you go to a matinee you will come out of the movie and it’s all sunny and your eyes hurt like fuck, but sometimes it is worth it. Let’s face it gang being a movie watcher is a year round job and who the fuck likes sand castles that much anyway.

So in honor of that notion here is the first ever annual Vern’s Summer Movie Preview column, a guide to what movies come out and my asinine predictions about which ones will be good and what not. I know this is a weird idea for a column but you will get the hang of it after a few paragraphs. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 19th, 2000 | No Comments »

Shaft (2000)

Going in I didn’t know WHAT to expect. A remake? A sequel? The ads made it look silly and ridiculous. Like not so much a remake as a big screen adaptation of the Shaft theme song.

But then I never thought Shaft was the god damn word of the lord or anything. He’s a cool character and I like his work and what he accomplishes with the ladies but I never thought his pictures had the same emotional depth of Superfly or The Mack or Blacula. Maybe it’s because those are movies about outlaws instead of a law enforcement figure like a private eye. Or maybe not. I think you kind of had to be black at that time to know what it meant to finally see a black James Bond character like John Shaft. But at the time, just as now, I was a white man.

So I was open to some noodling and fiddling with the Shaft character, but to my surprise it is a surprisingly faithful update with hardly any shenanigans. It is a pretty serious story of Shaft trying to catch a racist murderer rich boy bail jumper played by none other than the American Psycho from the film American Psycho starring Patrick Bateman. The tone of the picture is a very strange and enjoyable cross between gritty police stories like Clockers and the Homicide television program and the more corny ’70s tv shows like CHiPs. So the violent scenes are grim and disturbing but you still got a foot chase or two with Shaft chasing a dude up and down fire escapes fueled only by wah wah guitars.

The reason I like this picture is mostly the ’70s feel. The only Isaac Hayes song they used is the main theme, but the score is all extrapolated from the style of that piece. And Shaft is a character with a combination of qualities you just don’t see all at once anymore. He is the guy who always looks cool, always knows how to trick somebody or kick somebody’s ass something good, is single and open to sharing his charms with many ladies, and who also is sensitive and supportive to the point of sainthood. During the court room scene, he is sitting behind the mother of the victim, rubbing her shoulders and telling her everything is gonna be okay. You almost think he is a guardian angel. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 16th, 2000 | 16 Comments »

11 movies I saw about Dracula

Well I bet the one or two of you who actually care about me are wondering, what the fuck happened to Vern. Where is his column. Why is he late. Did that Jet Li movie really make him so sad. What a puss.

The truth is I have been doing alot of soul searching, alot of introspective type work, alot of thinking, and all that type of garbage. You might say I am on a journey to find myself, or I am on an exploration of my past, or I am depressed, however in my opinion all of those things sound kind of fruity.

Whatever you want to call it, watching My Father Is a Hero really made me sad, especially when I found out this is the same picture the motherfuckers at Dimension or whoever have released as The Enforcer. The picture on the front shows Jet kicking a dude and although his son, Little Vern, is mentioned on the back, they really make it sound like he’s not in it that much. And I’ll tell you what folks that made a motherfucker even sadder to see my fellow americans pulling this kind of garbage on Jet and Little Vern. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 12th, 2000 | 8 Comments »

American Pimp

Those of you motherfuckers who read me regularly know that my column this week is about the great pimp novelist Iceberg Slim and the attempts by “hollywood” to turn his autobiography into a major motion picture starring Ice Cube. Well shit, if I knew about this movie I might not have been worried. Even if Pimp: The Story of My Life: The Movie turns out to be a bust, we do got this excellent documentary which also looks into the seductive, charismatic and fucked up world of the pimping industry.

The film is directed by the Hughes brothers. Now I can’t remember if these are the brothers behind Fargo, or the ones behind Dumb and Dumber, or possibly the ones who did the Matrix. WHO the fuck knows. But whoever they are THESE are the individuals who ought to be doing the Iceberg Slim movie! They are a-class type filmmakers and obviously after this movie they know a thing or two about pimps. Now in my opinion there are a LOT of directors in hollywood who have intimate knowledge of the prostitution industry, however not necessarily the pimp part. Yes it is important to understand prostitutes in order to do Pimp: The Movie however please keep in mind hollywood these are street hoes we are dealing with, not callgirls or escorts. The Hughses know these pimps. Hell I’d like to see some of these individuals in small parts in the movie. Philmore Slim would DEFINITELY fit right in in the world of the book. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 10th, 2000 | 2 Comments »

Dick

Well hell man I know what your thinking and I can’t really blame you. But seriously man it is not what you think. I have never rented a gay porno. It is the ’90s I have nothing against gay pornos but personally just have not rented them before. Remember prison rape is not a homosexual act it is a predatory act of violence. not that I am into that either but just to clarify.

Anyway man what it is is Richard Nixon. Dan Hedaya plays Richard nixon and it is a comedy where two teenage gals get mixed up in all the watergate and everything. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 6th, 2000 | 1 Comment »

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »