"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Scream 3

Scream 3Hi there Cool Girl fans. My name is Vern and I gotta be honest and upfront about this, I am not a blond lady with big tits if that’s what your thinkin. One of my readers pointed me to that review Cool Girl did of Bruce Campbell’s show Jack of All Trades, and I don’t know if anyone else noticed this but there were naked pictures between the paragraphs. And I mean, hubba hubba, am I right? But I’m sorry to say there will be no naked pictures on my reviews and you REALLY won’t be getting a boner from them, sorry. Nope, I’m just a regular male type motherfucker seeking redemption for my past sins through Writing on the films of Cinema. Some may say that I don’t know of what the fuck I speak because, to be frankly honest, I was out of the picture for a while and missed alot of movies. Most of the ’90s in fact due to a fall I took for armed robbery and complications thereof. That is all in the past though and now in my opinion I am one of, if not THE, most important film Writers on the web, at least in my age group and social class and with my type of background, hair color etc.

Well generally my favorite type of picture to write about is the crime type picture, the action picture or especially the Badass Cinema. I like bad motherfuckers like Clint Eastwood, Charles Bronson, Lee Marvin, Steve McQueen and these type of guys, guys who would knock your teeth out just because they wanted to make their nephew a baby rattle. From the younger generation I like Chow Yun Fat of Hard Boiled and a few of the Bruces, Willis and Campbell. But hey bud I also like a good horror picture and for my first Cool Girl guest review I felt I should do the big movie this week, this Scream part 3. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 4th, 2000 | 3 Comments »

Cabin by the Lake

This movie is a USA Original Picture on the USA cable network. Now you may be thinking that means its not a real movie, why is vern writing about it, it doesn’t matter. Well hear me out bud. I think it does matter. Yes, I think it does matter and I am going to tell you why. Because, my friend, this is a USA Original PIcture. And what that means, in my opinion, is that they are gonna rerun this movie forever. I mean what do you think their gonna play late at night, or early in the afternoon, or at 8:00 am or pm, when they need two hours to fill. Are they gonna play Teen Wolf? Just One of the Guys? X-Man?

No. No no and no. They are gonna play Cabin By the Lake, because it’s a USA original picture. And that is two hours where they could have been playing a chuck norris movie or what have you. Maybe even van damme. So this IS important. you want this picture to be good because, let’s face it, these are the ones that count. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 2nd, 2000 | No Comments »

Cool Girl

Hey guys, it’s me Vern. Author of Vern Tell’s It LIke It Is weekly column. Well I am changing the sight around a little bit, adding some new categories and what not so that’s why some things might be screwy here and there.

For a minute there I took off the reel.com banners cause I’ve been having trouble with them and these “Pages That Pay” fuckers. As you may know I signed up for this sponsorship program so you could help a motherfucker out and many of you have been kind enough to do just that. Help a motherfucker out. (me.)

Unfortunately not a cent of orders has shown up on my “pages that pay report”, even though I’ve been reminding them and even sending them the order numbers and what not. They always say they will straighten it out and then they don’t. Well now they say it’s just not showing up on my report and it’s coming through though anyway. I will keep the banners up until next week and if they don’t fix the problem those motherfuckers will be sorry they were ever born in a world where the internet connects between them and Vern. (read the rest of this shit…)

January 31st, 2000 | No Comments »

And the winner is… Bruce Campbell

Hello and welcome to my landmark 17th column. The reason this is so special to a motherfucker like me is that this is the first time I have written a column since seeing the Golden Globe Awards program. I have never watched this show before but as an important film Writer I felt it was my duty, my privelege and oh hell it was my honor to watch this awards broadcast presentation.

You see now that I am a part of the Cinema Writing community I am starting to anticipate the OScars awards ceremony. I know it will not quite be the Outlaw Awards but then what the hell is? You gotta keep an eye even on the mainstream fucks and what they are up to as far as giving awards. Since I have been out of the picture for a while and I wasn’t really as much of a Cinema appreciater before going down I really can’t remember the last time I saw them. I vaguely remember Marlon Brando’s indian gal but that’s about it. Anyway according to some information I have researched it turns out that the Golden Globes are one of the major precursors, inspirations and omens for the oscars. They are given out be the foreigner press who I don’t think are actually critics, alot of them may just write gossip if I understand correctly. But anyway, they are what alot of dudes apparently use to predict the oscars. (read the rest of this shit…)

January 24th, 2000 | 1 Comment »

From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman’s Daughter

Well ever since Scream 3 I have been trying to see bad sequels to movies I haven’t seen in the first place. And this one holds a particular specialness to me because it is a part 3 and I am a scholar of part 3s.

Actually, this one isn’t all that bad, for one thing it can get away with not being in 3-D. Unlike Scream 3 it has an excuse because it’s straight to video, and I mean who the fuck wants to sit at home by yourself wearing 3-D glasses. I mean give me a fuckin break.

Anyway this western doesn’t really “hang together” as the famous shoplifting critic Rex Reed might say but it does have its moments which is a hell of a lot more than you can say for most straight to video part 3s in my opinion. The opening to be specific is very strong, with an obvious Sergio Leone influence. It’s in the desert with bright, bleached out photographication and lots of heightened sound effects. You hear the wind and the rattlesnakes and the incessant clicking of guns like you just hooked your hearing aid up to a car battery. (read the rest of this shit…)

January 18th, 2000 | 3 Comments »

Motherfucker in the Mainstream?

Last week as you know I presented to you the first annual Vern’s motherfuckin Outlaw Awards. I really wanted to make a real event of this, to bring more attention to 1999 Outlaw Award Winner for best picture since I got out of prison Fight Club. so I had that cokehead Walter Leno whip up a press release about it, real professional and all. I sent it out to a couple people, one of them being the ain’t it cool news since they had been Positive enough to print my Curtis Mayfield piece the week before.

Well to my surprise this Father Geek charcater must respect my work, either that or he’s making fun of me because he posted the press release as is. (Well, at the end he Wrote “catch you later” which neither me or walter actually Wrote, that was pure fabrication.)

Now I think some of you motherfuckers might be kind of concerned about ol’ Vern. Here he is on a popular mainstream type sight, he’s got some pretty boy cokehead Writing everything for him all slicklike. That motherfucker has SOLD THE FUCK OUT!

So for you worrying motherfuckers, I have a little story. Most of you have probaly heard by now I was in prison for a while up until last August, well that is where this tale takes place. You see, in the joint we had special entertainment evenings about every month or so. What they do is they hire some poor sap standup comedian to perform for a “captive audience” if you know what I mean. (Meaning we were in prison.)

I don’t know where they get these guys. I don’t even have a clue what kind of scene or school of comedy they might come out of, or if they are good or bad. for all I know these guys could have been the next Richard Pryor but the thing is, you can’t hear hardly a word they say! The moment they step out on the stage and start crackin wise, the audience eats them alive. FUCK YOU COCKSUCKER I’M GONNA STICK IT SO FAR UP YOUR CORNHOLE etc. etc. (read the rest of this shit…)

January 17th, 2000 | 1 Comment »

Teaching Mrs. Tingle

Well I don’t know if any of you saw this but there was a gal in my guestbook who Wrote that I shouldn’t date gals in their late teens and early 20s which I believe she said was disgusting on account of my age. Well the more teen movies I get hoodwinked into seeing by these young gals the more I agree with that sentiment. The latest is an embarassing load of shit by the name of Teaching Ms. Tingle.

Let me give you motherfuckers an analogy here. When I was in the joint there was a talent show they would do sometimes. And alot of times some dumb motherfucker would sign up, “Yeah, I’ma do some tap dancing” or “Yeah man I got a monologue you know, what you didn’t know? Yeah I’m an actor bud, gotta monologue here nahmean?” (read the rest of this shit…)

January 16th, 2000 | 2 Comments »

Magnolia

This is a good picture by a Cinema Artist who knows what the fuck he’s doing but still it’s almost too much for ol’ Vern and I’m gonna tell you why. But hold on there bud I’ll get to that in a minute.

The movie starts out with the song “One is the Loneliest Number” and maybe it’s just me but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that every one of the motherfuckers in this movie is lonely as hell. You got the divorced cop who drives around talking to himself about his job pretending he’s on COPS. You got the young coke snorting gal who sleeps with older dudes like myself and enstranges from her parents. You got her dad, the game show host dying of cancer; you got the TV brainiac kid that hates answering questions, the former brainiac that wants braces for god knows why, the old man on his deathbed, his emotionally unstable young wife, his nurse… I mean I could go on all day but you might as well just see the thing and make a list of all the characters yourself. I mean hell I know I’m Writing a review here but you can’t expect miracles out of me jesus. (read the rest of this shit…)

January 13th, 2000 | 33 Comments »

Sean vs. jealousy

Well looks like we all survived the Y2k which is good news in my opinion. Sorry about putting up the wrong column last week I hope it didn’t put anybody in a panic. But I guess if you were hiding down in a bunker and the only sight you went to for information was mine, then thanks a lot I preciate the support. If not then fuck off, I guess.

Well my new year’s resolution as far as I’m concerned is to try to get more established as an online film Writer. And in order to do that I realized I had to work my fucking ass off, starting this last week. And hell man I don’t know if you noticed but I did 1) this column 2) a whole hell of a lot of reviews and 3) a whole god damned awards show. I mean shit man you motherfuckers should be THANKING me for all this. In my opinion. And there is more to come.

So after doing those three things I think it’s high time to stretch my legs a little bit and get away from the topic of Cinema. I have a review of a new movie Magnolia coming up but I figured this is a column, sometimes I should keep the movie reviews in the movie review section, why don’t I use the column to just set my spirit free, look for a muse and just go fucking buck wild. I mean just use the column to do something a lot more personal, something about my past or my Journey or what is going on in my heart and soul, spirituality, etc. Or in this case Write about gossip. (read the rest of this shit…)

January 10th, 2000 | 1 Comment »

Nothing Lasts Forever: The Birth of Die Hard

If you’re like me, you’ve wondered for years how much Bruce Willis’s DIE HARD (1988) owes to the book it was based on, NOTHING LASTS FOREVER by Roderick Thorp. And then you bought the book on e-bay but didn’t get around to reading it for a while because of an addiction to Richard Stark novels. But now you finally read the whole thing, rewatched DIE HARD and are ready to share with the world a comparison of the movie to the novel. Me and you, we’re in this together, like Bruce and Sam in part 3. We’re gonna do this.

The “ultimate Die Hard dvd” has little mention of the original novel, other than director John McTiernan admitting he never read it. And a quick internet search (a research technique I expect to see in DIE HARD 4.0 if they ever really make it) brings up no detailed comparisons between the movie and the bool. But I’m sure there must be one out there somewhere. Fortunately, I am a fuckin pro at this shit. I done this for myself with MILLION DOLLAR BABY, POINT BLANK/PAYBACK, THE OUTFIT, two Seagal movies, and others. Also I have a commitment to excellence. So I guarantee this will be the #1 DIE HARD/NOTHING LASTS FOREVER comparison on the internet.

ENTER JOE LELAND

The book is about Joe Leland, not John McClane, a retired (not vacationing) cop going to visit his daughter (not wife) in L.A. at Christmas time. In the movie he’s estranged from his wife, in the book he was divorced from his wife and she later died. His daughter used to be married to a chump he didn’t like and has taken his name, Generro (in the movie that’s his wife’s maiden name that she uses at work).

Like in the movie, Leland is on the outskirts of an office party with his shoes off (washing his feet though, because he was told it keeps you from being tired at the end of a day) when he hears gun shots, because terrorists have taken the office hostage. He spends the rest of the book as a fly in the terrorist’s ointment, picking them off one by one, blowing shit up, communicating with them and police on the outside using a CB. Like in the movie, the terrorists are German, and sometimes talk in German so he won’t understand. One major difference is that the book always follows Leland, it doesn’t cut away for scenes on other floors of the building. So unless he’s spying on them, we don’t know what the terrorists are up to. (read the rest of this shit…)

January 10th, 2000 | 16 Comments »

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