Traditionally I like to start out every column with an apology for the garbage that you are about to read. This week the apology is directed mainly at the non-americans out there who get bored every time I start talking about some kind of American shit, like presidents, etc. Presidents are what we have here instead of the Queen. We have states instead of provinces or islands, and we have astronauts instead of cosmonauts. If you have any other questions I would be glad to explain. We call them french fries for example instead of chips. Chips here are just potato chips, and we don’t have ketchup flavored or pickle flavored like you freako canadians do. Just Cool Ranch, Cheestacular, etc. They say some of our snacks are dangerously cheesy.

Now I know you guys think of americans as a bunch of fucking morons, but I want to be the first to point out that it’s NOT ON US this time. Our hands are clean. The american people had nothin to do with electing that illiterate oil shiek frat boy, black man executing son of a Panama-Iraq invading CIA madman. Everyone knows the other motherfucker won the popular vote. And as far as anybody can tell he probaly woulda won the electoral vote if they were allowed to count the votes that people turned in. I mean anybody’s guess I suppose but let’s assume the best from americans here all right. (read the rest of this shit…)

Okay, so I was wrong about there being a new president chosen by the time you read LAST week’s column. I was wrong about all this politics shit being over with. So sue me. I didn’t know this was how it went down these days all right.

But I can’t help but get a kick out of all this. As a Writer and Poet I am a believer in metaphors. Somebody told me that there was no better metaphor for the political process today than the state of Minnesota choosing a professional wrestler as their governor. They trust ANYBODY more than a politician, even somebody whose job is pretend fighting. Some other great candidates would be an inflatable sex doll, a crash test dummy, a scarecrow, a stunt double, a celebrity lookalike. I wonder if Bruce Li is an american citizen?

Well this election shows that disillusion on a national level. I’m sure a few jackasses will interpret this to mean that America is more divided than ever. But I think it shows that we are all united in our lack of passion for either of these corporate financed motherfuckers. (read the rest of this shit…)