"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Y tu mamá también

You probaly heard of this cute little Mexican sex movie that was nominated for some oscars. It’s really a sentimental story about two young friends on a road trip but it’s also about their sexual experimentation and it’s got alot of the NC-17 sex that’s so hot there were urban legends going around that the sex was all real. So naturally they hired the director to do the next henry porter movie.

The title translates to AND YOUR MOTHER TOO or, in other words, I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER. I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER is directed by Alfonso Cuaron who also directed A LITTLE PRINCESS, an extremely well made fable that’s probaly the real reason they hired him to do Henry Porter. That movie is about a little girl who defies her harsh boarding school by escaping into an imaginative story world. There’s ten headed monsters and all kinds of shit. Everything you want in a henry porter adventure. Shit I admit it I loved that movie, I just never reviewed it because I’m still embarassed by that time I reviewed FLY AWAY HOME. (read the rest of this shit…)

April 15th, 2003 | 1 Comment »

Head of State

Chris Rock is kind of a weird dude in my opinion. Remember when he was first on Saturday Night Live? The guy didn’t seem funny at all, and they would just bring him out whenever they needed a black guy. It took a while but eventually he started to get better material and he really broke out, and when he left the show people really started to realize what a smart guy he was. His standup specials are great, his Chris Rock Show was great and he produced that movie POOTIE TANG which is one of the more madly brilliant cult hits of the past such and such period of time.

But despite all this his movie career is only a level or two above David Spade’s. His heart is in the right place but he ends up making corny shit like CB4. When he tries for more credibility he instead ends up in a god damn Kevin Smith movie. I guess NURSE BETTY was okay but still, the guy is obviously capable of so much more. (read the rest of this shit…)

March 28th, 2003 | No Comments »

URGENT DISPATCH FROM THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT AND/OR MEDIA

Attention all Americans. Our will is strong. We will not waiver. We will not back down. We will not give in to the temptations of overwhelming world opinion, common sense, etc.

Should the President decide to invade Iraq as planned, it shows the tremendous courage of a leader in the mold of FDR, Winston Churchill, or Morpheus from The Matrix. As the administration and the CIA have conceded, invading Iraq will greatly increase the likelihood of terrorism in America, but they feel that the risk of non-invasion is greater.

As the administration and Bush himself have also conceded, the new budget, which he signed into law, does not give enough money to “first responders” and other defenses against terrorism. Meanwhile, the governors of many states complain that they have not even been given the security money they were promised in 2001 and 2002. (read the rest of this shit…)

March 13th, 2003 | No Comments »

Paid in Full

Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.

Vern rules. Here’s why:

Fellas –

As you know, last week I reviewed CUBE PART 2 and DRACULA PART 2. You know what that means: I’m right in the middle of a straight to video binge. The economy is gettin real bad, in my opinion, and it’s gonna get a whole lot worse when the bombs start dropping. It’s hard to justify paying 8 clams to go see some asshole in a red leather coat pretending he’s blind and can fly. I love you boys, I’d trust you with my life, I’d let my kids sleep over at your ranch, whatever. But for now I’m gonna have to hold off on trusting your recommendation of a movie that looks that silly. Maybe next week.

Anyway I think that’s a pretty good excuse for my quirky habit of digging through piles of video screeners hoping to find gold or at least some kind of shiny aluminum. Usually the best stuff I find is ridiculous straight to video sequels, but occasionally I find a GINGER SNAPS or an ED GEIN or a DOG SOLDIERS. A good low budget movie that for whatever reason didn’t get much of a release here in the unleaded states of america. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 24th, 2003 | No Comments »

Fuck Colin Powell, My Plan for the Pope, Return of the old Support the Troops Switcheroo, Keep Fighting

There’s alot of topics I want to cover here so I might be kind of random. First of all: FUCK COLIN POWELL. I’ve been through this argument a million times and I wish everybody else was right. But now I have given up on that possibility.

Oh but Vern, I like Colin Powell. He’s a good guy. He’s real liberal for a conservative. No really he’s very intelligent and wise. His war experience has made him more careful than the nuts he works for. He’s the dove hiding among the hawks trying to convince them to keep their fuckin pants on. I know he was part of the Gulf War and he said that thing about not being terribly interested in the number of civilians killed. And he gave a press conference trying to cover up the Mai Lai massacre. But really Vern seriously man this dude is great.

Yeah, you still feel that way people? Now that he’s done a complete 180 from “we really shouldn’t be doing this shit” to going to the UN to BEG them to let us do this shit? Before he thought the war was a bad idea, now he’s so into it he’s grasping at straws, playing the UN fuzzy tapes of two RANDOM DUDES apparently talking about how shocked one of them is that the other one has a weapon he shouldn’t. THAT’S how you know we have to go in and fire twice as many missiles of the entire Gulf War on Baghdad in the first two days… because you have a tape of SOME GUYS talking, somewhere, sometime? (read the rest of this shit…)

February 23rd, 2003 | No Comments »

Vern Reviews CUBE 2: HYPERCUBE and DRACULA 2: HYPERDRACULA!!

Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.

Vern’s a good egg. If you don’t know that by now, then catch up to the rest of us and enjoy this new review by him.

Boys –

It’s me Vern. Remember me, I write articles, win awards, etc. Today I am returning to my old shtick of reviewing straight to video sequels nobody asked for. Enjoy!

Actually the first picture I’m gonna deal with here is not completely un-asked for. The first movie CUBE was one of those small time cult movies that nobody is really rabid about but everybody kind of likes. The premise is that a group of strangers find themselves inside strange, symmetrical rooms with vault doors on each side. When they go through a door, they find themselves in a room exactly like the last one. And when they go through one of the doors in there, it’s another room exactly like that one. And when they go through one of the doors in there, it’s another room exactly like that one. And I could go on man. There’s nowhere to go. So of course they get into a George A. Romero type deal where they each have a different background and they argue and what not by they try to put aside their differences to solve the puzzle of “what in fuck’s name is going on here.” There is math, etc. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 17th, 2003 | 1 Comment »

All the Real Girls

You probaly haven’t heard of it but ALL THE REAL GIRLS is the new one from the young man who made GEORGE WASHINGTON. Maybe you never saw that one either, it was kinda weird because it wasn’t about President George Washington or peanut innovator George Washington Carver, it was about some kid. Maybe he grows up to be George Washington, I don’t know, I don’t get it. But it’s a unique and effective movie made by a young dude nobody ever heard of and somehow it got its own Criterion Collection dvd and many nominations for Independent Spirit Awards. Now the kid got the job of directing a movie of the book CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES, which people have wanted to do for years and years. We’ll see how that turns out, I think the kid can pull it off but who knows I only read half of the book. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 15th, 2003 | 1 Comment »

Igby Goes Down and The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys

Somehow this week I ended up seeing two independent movies starring Kieran Culkin as a troubled rebel kid in a private school uniform. That’s just the way life is sometimes, I guess.

You know my theory about Culkins. They squirt ’em out on a conveyor belt somewhere and sell ’em cheap to filmatists. I’m not sure they even have separate identities, they probaly just call them “Rory” when they’re young and “Kieran” when they’re a teen and “Macaulay” when they quit acting and start going to clubs. If you buy the media hype about them being actual kids, then Kieran must be the most successful of the group because he’s doing legitmate acting roles and he must be 16 or so. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 5th, 2003 | 5 Comments »

Mean Machine

Vinnie Jones was the highlight of LOCK, STOCK, AND ETC. ETC., playing the shotgun carrying thug who brings his son with him on the job (SEE: theory of badass juxtaposition; Vern, author). He had a very convincing tough guy, take no shit presence, and I’ve enjoyed seeing him in motion pictures since then, even though most of the british crime pictures that have come my way have been self conscious garbage trying to imitate that earlier picture. I know alot of you liked SNATCH but, I mean, jesus people. Let’s have some standards, is all I’m saying, in my opinion.

According to the british, Mr. Jones was already a famous soccer player known for grabbing a guy in the nutsack during a game. Not in a loving and consensual way either, from what I understand. I guess that’s how people knew he was tough even though he was running around in little shorts bouncing a rubber ball on his head. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 5th, 2003 | 1 Comment »

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Well geez, it’s not too often you get this with a movie writer, but apparently this Charlie Kaufman guy can do no wrong. Between the brilliant BEING JOHN MALKOVICH and ADAPTATION and the underrated HUMAN NATURE and now this… I mean really, what more could you ask for from a writer? There is no other non-director writer working who has been so consistently inventive and surprising and at the same time so personal. In fact there are few who have ever worked who could be in this same category. These are all movies made by skilled directors but it is always the writer’s voice that comes through.

You hear that, motherfuckers, the WRITER.

This is Kaufman’s most straight forward and normal picture so far, but that’s not saying all that much. It’s adapted from Chuck Barris’ autobiographical novel, and the gimmick of course is that in the novel he claims to have been a CIA hitman while he was hosting the Gong Show, which seems pretty dubious. Also he talks about the genesis of The Gong Show, the Dating Game, the Newlywed Game, etc. (read the rest of this shit…)

January 25th, 2003 | 2 Comments »

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