"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Legends of the Condor Heroes: The Gallants

LEGENDS OF THE CONDOR HEROES: THE GALLANTS is the unwieldily titled new Tsui Hark joint, which I was grateful to be able to see in a theater. (This puts my lifetime Tsui Hark theatrical screenings at four, after DOUBLE TEAM, KNOCK OFF and FLYING SWORDS OF DRAGON GATE 3D IMAX). Based on a famous story by Jin Yong (whose books also inspired the SWORDSMAN trilogy), it’s the type of thing I hope for from Tsui these days: a wild and extravagant wuxia epic, expertly put together at a swaggering blockbuster scale. A great time at the movies.

It opens with narration by a guy talking about witnessing many famous battles of Genghis Khan (Baya’ertu, CREATION OF THE GODS I: KINGDOM OF STORMS) and the Mongol army. As you watch these enormous conflicts on screen you wonder how the fuck a guy was witnessing it without getting chopped to bits, and then you find out: he was perched above on a cliff. When the Mongols spot him they shoot arrows at him, but he seems to repel them with some sort of energy shield trick. Okay, good, we got a real one here. This is our protagonist Guo Jing (Xiao Zhan, THE ROOKIES), a martial artist who aspires to greatness and has an interestingly convoluted backstory. (read the rest of this shit…)

March 10th, 2025 | 5 Comments »

The Vourdalak

THE VOURDALAK is a 2023 French vampire film that’s pretty simple and classical but it has this one fucking fantastic choice that jumps out at you: the vampire is portrayed by a puppet. Not a muppet, but a human sized rod puppet or something that kinda looks like how Hellboy‘s Mike Mignola draws desiccated corpses. He’s a spindly nosferatu type but he’s in his ‘80s so he tries to act like that’s all it is. No, hey guys, I’m fine. I didn’t become a vourdalak (type of vampire from Slavic folk tales) during that dangerous trip where I told you if I return after six days I’m a vourdalak. I just look this way ’cause I’m old.

The protagonist is a goofy dork and diplomatic envoy for the king of France named Marquis Jacques Saturnin d’Urfe (Kacey Mottet Klein, GAINSBOURG: A HEROIC LIFE). I love how he’s unseen in the opening sequence, seeking shelter after losing his horse and companions during a robbery. He’s being turned away from shelter through the barred window on a door, but every time lightning strikes we see the shadow of his big ol’ historical-French-guy hat.

(read the rest of this shit…)

March 6th, 2025 | 7 Comments »

The Order (2024)

THE ORDER (2024) is a gritty, not too showy but completely riveting true crime movie about neo-nazi bank robbers in the Pacific Northwest, circa 1983. The protagonist is an FBI agent, but one of his specialties is going after bigots, and I support him in that. Anyway it’s kinda like DEAD BANG – he’s a total mess, and he’s pretty much all we got against these guys.

Terry Husk (Jude Law [EXISTENZ] playing a fictional character only a little bit based on the actual lead agent of the case) shows up in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho to reopen an abandoned field office. Sheriff Loftlin (Philip Granger, also the sheriff in JUGGERNAUT, TUCKER AND DALE VS. EVIL, SECRET LIVES, and LITTLE BROTHER OF WAR) kinda laughs at him for coming to what he considers a quiet farm town, and tries to steer him away when he asks about some white power flyers he saw, and if they’re related to the local white nationalist preacher, Richard Butler (Victor Slezak, ABDUCTION). From his reaction I assumed the sheriff was one of the racists, but we later find out it’s that other cop thing: he’s just an idiot who doesn’t recognize the threat. “It’s just talk” is what he says. “They mostly keep to themselves.” (read the rest of this shit…)

March 5th, 2025 | 5 Comments »

Ninja Scroll

Lately, with reality increasingly losing its appeal, I’ve had more desire to lose myself in fantastical worlds of animation. Even when those places are horrible in their own right it feels like an escape, because at least they’re made of nice drawings and paintings. NINJA SCROLL transports us to a mystical past of deadly assassins, some with magic powers, others just so skilled that they might as well have ‘em. This is from 1993 and it was legendary in that decade for providing extravagant violence that seemed novel to us Americans when delivered in cartoon form. It still kinda works as that, but more importantly I think it holds up as a pretty entertaining movie.

The writer/director is Yoshiaki Kawajiri, and though I never really made the connection that it was the same guy, I’ve written about several of his works. I talked a little about VAMPIRE HUNTER D: BLOODLUST (2000) in my original BLADE II review, I covered THE ANIMATRIX (2003) when I was revisiting that whole franchise (he did the “Program” segment), I really liked his DTV/OVA HIGHLANDER: THE SEARCH FOR VENGEANCE (2007) when I did my review series Highlanderland. Also he wrote the live action AZUMI 2: DEATH OR LOVE, though unfortunately I was disappointed in that one. I do like his stories on the other stuff, but it’s obviously the drawing and movement that makes them fly (often literally). (read the rest of this shit…)

March 4th, 2025 | 14 Comments »

The Gorge

THE GORGE is a movie with an appealing, simple premise, strong execution, great tone, and a fun mix of elements you don’t usually see together but that feel perfectly natural. It’s a romance within a monster movie, or vice versa, but not in a a jokey way at all (though that worked for LOVE AND MONSTERS). It’s funny because its two main characters know how to make each other laugh, but its outlandish situation is taken seriously.

It’s also a movie star movie, as most good romances are, with its two leads reaching new levels of onscreen charisma, though for some reason Apple made this for the small screen only. I guess that’s none of my business. (read the rest of this shit…)

March 3rd, 2025 | 12 Comments »

Parasite (1982) / Bad Times at the El Royale

Hey friends, I don’t usually post on Fridays, but I thought I’d squeeze in one more Oscar nominee review before Sunday’s awards – a double feature of Best Actress nominees. I’m rooting for Demi Moore to win for THE SUBSTANCE, but did you know that wasn’t her first body horror joint? Way back in 1982 she starred in Charle’s Band’s third film, PARASITE.

Supposedly it started as a remake (or rip off?) of THE TINGLER, and it’s about a scientist trying to get rid of a weird tingler type thing living inside his chest. But rather than doing the electrified seats gimmick they made it immersive by shooting it in 3D, with the help of Chris J. Condon, who also did JAWS 3D. It is available on a 3D blu-ray, but I don’t have the means to watch it that way, so I can only say that it looks like it has lots of good gimmick shots, like I enjoy.

(3D gimmicks: a snapping rattlesnake, a guy impaled on a pipe with blood pouring out of it, squirting a syringe, lots of guns coming at us, looking up at a creeper on the ceiling dripping slime and then falling at us, lots of sharp-toothed monsters gorily tearing out of people, etc.) (read the rest of this shit…)

February 28th, 2025 | 14 Comments »

The Brutalist

Part 1: The Illusory Paradigm of Actuality

Are you ready to see the brutalest movie of all time? It’s called THE BRUTALIST. So brutal they had to have a 15 minute intermission built into the theatrical version. Also an overture but it’s only like 30 seconds or something. A full length overture would’ve tamped down the brutality too much.

THE BRUTALIST has the most jerking off and fingering of any of the 2024 Best Picture nominees, and it can be argued that it’s also the most masturbatory in its filmmaking, what with its 215 minute runtime, its unbearably corny chapter titles and unmistakable posturing of capital I Importance. Don’t you get it? This is about stuff like history, architecture, America, history… Important stuff. I had some questions about whether a writer/director born after AN AMERICAN TAIL came out should be making The Great American Epic about immigration combined with the non-asshole version of THE FOUNTAINHEAD. Undeniably, though, that confidence and grandiosity is what makes it an event. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 27th, 2025 | 4 Comments »

Thunderbirds

Yesterday we saw what Adrien Brody was doing 10 years ago (he was playing the villain in DRAGON BLADE). Now let’s jump back another decade-plus and check on his future director Brady Corbet (core-bay). In 2004, a long before Brody was felled by the Silk Road Protection Squad, his THE BRUTALIST director was rolling with a more high tech protection squad called International Rescue.

That’s right, before he was a director Corbet was an actor, and his third movie (after the edgy indies THIRTEEN by Catherine Hardwicke and MYSTERIOUS SKIN by Gregg Araki) was the Hollywood non-puppet remake of the ‘60s British “Supermarionation” TV show Thunderbirds. He’s not top-billed, but he’s the lead, playing 14-year-old Alan Tracy, son of Thunderbirds founder and leader Jeff Tracy (Bill Paxton, THE DARK BACKWARD). His thing is he goes to a boarding school and dreams/whines about wanting to grow up and join the team with his dad and his three older brothers. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 26th, 2025 | 48 Comments »

Dragon Blade

I’m generally a sucker for an international co-production action movie, especially the ones based in Chinese martial arts but with some western stars. For example the one with Milla Jovovich, or the one with Coolio, or NAKED WEAPON. But I’m suspicious of these big period piece ones with an American star or two outside of their usual context. I’ve even hesitated to pull the trigger on the one with Arnold in it. I’m still a defender of THE GREAT WALL, but most of these are not Zhang Yimou joints. It’s easy to assume that the Hollywood guy is phoning it in for a paycheck and the international producers are trying to coast on name value, leaving us to be bored by a bunch of yelling and sword clanging and CG armies.

DRAGON BLADE (2015) also has the hurdle of being a late-period Jackie Chan movie, but it defies the odds. Give or take some of the awkwardness of the format, this is an entertaining (and charmingly corny) story about what happens when a rogue Roman legion link up with a badass squad of disavowed Chinese peacemakers. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 25th, 2025 | 7 Comments »

Thrashin’

Note: I wanted to review all the best picture nominees this year but I haven’t even reviewed DUNE PART ONE and I’m just not ready to do a good job of PART TWO yet so please accept as a placeholder this review of a different movie with one of the same cast members.

If you saw my review of DANCIN’ – IT’S ON! a few weeks ago you saw me learning of the magical existence of David Winters, a dancer in the original Broadway run of West Side Story and choreographer of Elvis movies who later became a director of b-movies including SPACE MUTINY. One of the things that came up in my research was that when he directed the 1986 skatesploitation movie THRASHIN’ the producers wouldn’t let him cast pre-21 Jump Street Johnny Depp, and he was so mad about it he went off and founded a new production company so that he would have more control. Well, obviously after I read that I knew that THRASHIN’ – it’s on!

Josh Brolin (whose only previous movie was THE GOONIES) plays Corey Webster, a “Valley Boy” who goes to stay in a friend’s motor home in L.A. while he prepares for a pool skating competition and a downhill race called L.A. Massacre. His buddies Tyler (Brooke McCarter, THE LOST BOYS), Radley (Josh Richman, RIVER’S EDGE, director of Guns N’ Roses “Live And Let Die” video), and Bozo (Brett Marx, BAD NEWS BEARS movies) call themselves The Ramp Locals. They bring him to the different hangouts, they clash with a rival skate crew called the Daggers who kind of act like a gang, and he falls in love-at-first-sight with Chrissy (Pamela Gidley in her film debut, soon to play the title character in CHERRY 2000). At first it seems like Corey is trying to steal the girlfriend of scary Daggers leader Tommy Hook (Robert Rusler, WEIRD SCIENCE, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2), but luckily she turns out to be his sister. Unluckily he’s one of those SCARFACE type brothers who’s creepily possessive of his sister and forbids people from dating her. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 24th, 2025 | 3 Comments »

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