"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

The Gorge

THE GORGE is a movie with an appealing, simple premise, strong execution, great tone, and a fun mix of elements you don’t usually see together but that feel perfectly natural. It’s a romance within a monster movie, or vice versa, but not in a a jokey way at all (though that worked for LOVE AND MONSTERS). It’s funny because its two main characters know how to make each other laugh, but its outlandish situation is taken seriously.

It’s also a movie star movie, as most good romances are, with its two leads reaching new levels of onscreen charisma, though for some reason Apple made this for the small screen only. I guess that’s none of my business. (read the rest of this shit…)

March 3rd, 2025 | 12 Comments »

Parasite (1982) / Bad Times at the El Royale

Hey friends, I don’t usually post on Fridays, but I thought I’d squeeze in one more Oscar nominee review before Sunday’s awards – a double feature of Best Actress nominees. I’m rooting for Demi Moore to win for THE SUBSTANCE, but did you know that wasn’t her first body horror joint? Way back in 1982 she starred in Charle’s Band’s third film, PARASITE.

Supposedly it started as a remake (or rip off?) of THE TINGLER, and it’s about a scientist trying to get rid of a weird tingler type thing living inside his chest. But rather than doing the electrified seats gimmick they made it immersive by shooting it in 3D, with the help of Chris J. Condon, who also did JAWS 3D. It is available on a 3D blu-ray, but I don’t have the means to watch it that way, so I can only say that it looks like it has lots of good gimmick shots, like I enjoy.

(3D gimmicks: a snapping rattlesnake, a guy impaled on a pipe with blood pouring out of it, squirting a syringe, lots of guns coming at us, looking up at a creeper on the ceiling dripping slime and then falling at us, lots of sharp-toothed monsters gorily tearing out of people, etc.) (read the rest of this shit…)

February 28th, 2025 | 14 Comments »

The Brutalist

Part 1: The Illusory Paradigm of Actuality

Are you ready to see the brutalest movie of all time? It’s called THE BRUTALIST. So brutal they had to have a 15 minute intermission built into the theatrical version. Also an overture but it’s only like 30 seconds or something. A full length overture would’ve tamped down the brutality too much.

THE BRUTALIST has the most jerking off and fingering of any of the 2024 Best Picture nominees, and it can be argued that it’s also the most masturbatory in its filmmaking, what with its 215 minute runtime, its unbearably corny chapter titles and unmistakable posturing of capital I Importance. Don’t you get it? This is about stuff like history, architecture, America, history… Important stuff. I had some questions about whether a writer/director born after AN AMERICAN TAIL came out should be making The Great American Epic about immigration combined with the non-asshole version of THE FOUNTAINHEAD. Undeniably, though, that confidence and grandiosity is what makes it an event. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 27th, 2025 | 4 Comments »

Thunderbirds

Yesterday we saw what Adrien Brody was doing 10 years ago (he was playing the villain in DRAGON BLADE). Now let’s jump back another decade-plus and check on his future director Brady Corbet (core-bay). In 2004, a long before Brody was felled by the Silk Road Protection Squad, his THE BRUTALIST director was rolling with a more high tech protection squad called International Rescue.

That’s right, before he was a director Corbet was an actor, and his third movie (after the edgy indies THIRTEEN by Catherine Hardwicke and MYSTERIOUS SKIN by Gregg Araki) was the Hollywood non-puppet remake of the ‘60s British “Supermarionation” TV show Thunderbirds. He’s not top-billed, but he’s the lead, playing 14-year-old Alan Tracy, son of Thunderbirds founder and leader Jeff Tracy (Bill Paxton, THE DARK BACKWARD). His thing is he goes to a boarding school and dreams/whines about wanting to grow up and join the team with his dad and his three older brothers. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 26th, 2025 | 48 Comments »

Dragon Blade

I’m generally a sucker for an international co-production action movie, especially the ones based in Chinese martial arts but with some western stars. For example the one with Milla Jovovich, or the one with Coolio, or NAKED WEAPON. But I’m suspicious of these big period piece ones with an American star or two outside of their usual context. I’ve even hesitated to pull the trigger on the one with Arnold in it. I’m still a defender of THE GREAT WALL, but most of these are not Zhang Yimou joints. It’s easy to assume that the Hollywood guy is phoning it in for a paycheck and the international producers are trying to coast on name value, leaving us to be bored by a bunch of yelling and sword clanging and CG armies.

DRAGON BLADE (2015) also has the hurdle of being a late-period Jackie Chan movie, but it defies the odds. Give or take some of the awkwardness of the format, this is an entertaining (and charmingly corny) story about what happens when a rogue Roman legion link up with a badass squad of disavowed Chinese peacemakers. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 25th, 2025 | 7 Comments »

Thrashin’

Note: I wanted to review all the best picture nominees this year but I haven’t even reviewed DUNE PART ONE and I’m just not ready to do a good job of PART TWO yet so please accept as a placeholder this review of a different movie with one of the same cast members.

If you saw my review of DANCIN’ – IT’S ON! a few weeks ago you saw me learning of the magical existence of David Winters, a dancer in the original Broadway run of West Side Story and choreographer of Elvis movies who later became a director of b-movies including SPACE MUTINY. One of the things that came up in my research was that when he directed the 1986 skatesploitation movie THRASHIN’ the producers wouldn’t let him cast pre-21 Jump Street Johnny Depp, and he was so mad about it he went off and founded a new production company so that he would have more control. Well, obviously after I read that I knew that THRASHIN’ – it’s on!

Josh Brolin (whose only previous movie was THE GOONIES) plays Corey Webster, a “Valley Boy” who goes to stay in a friend’s motor home in L.A. while he prepares for a pool skating competition and a downhill race called L.A. Massacre. His buddies Tyler (Brooke McCarter, THE LOST BOYS), Radley (Josh Richman, RIVER’S EDGE, director of Guns N’ Roses “Live And Let Die” video), and Bozo (Brett Marx, BAD NEWS BEARS movies) call themselves The Ramp Locals. They bring him to the different hangouts, they clash with a rival skate crew called the Daggers who kind of act like a gang, and he falls in love-at-first-sight with Chrissy (Pamela Gidley in her film debut, soon to play the title character in CHERRY 2000). At first it seems like Corey is trying to steal the girlfriend of scary Daggers leader Tommy Hook (Robert Rusler, WEIRD SCIENCE, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2), but luckily she turns out to be his sister. Unluckily he’s one of those SCARFACE type brothers who’s creepily possessive of his sister and forbids people from dating her. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 24th, 2025 | 3 Comments »

This is Fiennes: THE MENU vs. CONCLAVE double feature

THE MENU (2022) is part of the 2020s wave of “rich assholes go to an island and something fucked up happens there” movies (see also: GLASS ONION, BLINK TWICE, TRIANGLE OF SADNESS [though they end up on the island by accident there]). Juror #2 Nicholas “Nux” Hoult plays Tyler Ledford, a food-nerd who proudly paid $1250 a plate to bring his less-interested date Margot, played by Furiosa #2 Anya Taylor-Joy, to a private island where celebrity chef Julian Slowik (Ralph Fiennes, THE AVENGERS) presents extravagant themed meals for exclusive clientele. Right away you know Tyler sucks because he calls Margot “babe” and lectures her about her palate, and that Margot is the final girl because she’s the only one looking back to see the boat leaving and the doors closing behind them. We side with her anyway because when Tyler raves about the lemon caviar and raw oyster with mignonette and mansplains that alginate is made of algae she says, “Yeah. Pond scum.” (read the rest of this shit…)

February 20th, 2025 | 37 Comments »

Nickel Boys

NICKEL BOYS is one of the underdog Best Picture nominees, one of the indies that doesn’t get that much discussion outside of film critic circles, definitely not seen as a frontrunner, but happy to be nominated. I was planning to see it anyway based on the effusive praise I’d seen, but the nomination gave me an extra push to see it on the big screen, so that’s a nice thing about the Oscars.

I was also able to see it pretty much blind. I did see a trailer before another movie a few days earlier, but that actually didn’t make it very clear what it was about. It did make me wonder if it was going to be told in first person perspective, which does turn out to be the case. Most of the time the camera represents what the main character Elwood Curtis is seeing. So, you know, it’s kind of like the classy version of HARDCORE HENRY or the MANIAC remake. There’s also a section where the camera follows behind the character’s head, like a video game (or IN A VIOLENT NATURE). Director of photography Jomo Fray (ALL DIRT ROADS TASTE OF SALT) shoots it both cleverly and beautifully. It’s kind of the same category as I’M STILL HERE: some beauty and nostalgia in a story about resilience in the face of horrible atrocities. But leaning heavier on the latter this time, and using the former to make it all the more eerie what we know is going on here. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 19th, 2025 | 2 Comments »

Comments

Have you or a loved one experienced COMMENT BLOCKAGE? You could be entitled to not having that anymore. Sorry everybody, I’ve heard from several people that their comments have been blocked for days or weeks on end. One person fixed it by using a VPN and one by switching to mobile, but neither should be necessary. If you’re getting blocked, Chris asks if you could highlight the url in the browser and screenshot along with the error message to help us narrow down the problem. You can send that to me at outlawvern at hotmail dot com. Thanks for your patience.

February 18th, 2025 | 3 Comments »

A Complete Unknown

A dumb and insignificant pet peeve of mine: Every time a trailer comes out for a music biopic, I see a bunch of posts about “I can’t believe they still make these after WALK HARD.” Yeah, ‘cause that’s the way it always works. After there’s a good parody the whole genre ends. Couldn’t possibly be that this is a type of movie people enjoy.

Well at any rate WALK HARD couldn’t stop the director of WALK THE LINE from returning to the scene of the crime. I’m not sure but there might even be a violation of the Prime Directive here, where the parodied has become aware of the parody, altering the course of the format. While everyone is making fun of biopics that try to explain a person and their art too neatly, A COMPLETE UNKNOWN seems to be arguing, even with the title, that Bob Dylan cannot, in fact, be explained. (read the rest of this shit…)

February 18th, 2025 | 9 Comments »

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »
  • Hey bud, thanks for reading.

    Don't feel obligated, but here are some

  • WAYS YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SHIT OUT OF VERN & OUTLAWVERN.COM

    if that's your thing:

  • 1. Patreon

    Toss me a couple bucks a month, support the good shit, also get access to a bunch of exclusive writing. This is my primary source of writing money that has allowed me to cut down to part time at the day job. Thank you!

  • 2. Buy my books from your local bookseller or somebody

    click here for my Amazon author page

    (NOTE: My ten year contract has passed on the Titan books, so I don't get residuals on them like I do WORM ON A HOOK and NIKETOWN, but I would love for you to read them because I'm proud of them)

    EXTRA CREDIT: Review them on Amazon! That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.

  • 3. If you ever buy from Amazon, go through my links or search engines



    (you pay the same amount you were gonna pay anyway they cut me a little slice)

  • I also have an Amazon UK one:

    (I can't get the search box widget to work anymore, so click on MOONWALKER and then search for what you want.)

  • 4. My exciting line of fashion and leisure products

    (I get a couple bucks per item, you get a cool t-shirt, mug or lifestyle item)

  • 5. Spread the word

    Tell your friends about my reviews and my books and everything. Only cool people though please, we don't need a bunch of suckers and/or chumps around here.

    THANKS EVERYBODY. YOUR FRIEND, VERN

    * * * *

  • Recent commentary and jibber-jabber

    • jojo on The Car / The Car: Road to Revenge: “When I saw “The Car” in recent commentary, I was like “I bet I know what this is about” I…” Nov 4, 09:57
    • Bill Reed on Americana: “Nervous to out myself as a Halsey fan, but– they should play her song “New Americana” over the end credits.…” Nov 4, 09:23
    • Mr. Majestyk on The Car / The Car: Road to Revenge: “Don’t know where else to put this, so I’m putting it here: If any of you guys have never seen…” Nov 3, 18:59
    • MaggieMayPie on Americana: “Yeah, it’s good. He plays a chief of police on a Navajo reservation in the late 1970s. It’s based on…” Nov 3, 17:01
    • deepfriednoir on Americana: “I’ve got McClarnon staring at me through the thumbnail of a Netflix recommendation for a show called Dark Winds, does…” Nov 3, 15:28
    • Curt on Nightbreed (special Halloween revisit): “Damn, you’re right. I saw the doc at a local film festival but I either missed or forgot Vern’s review:…” Nov 3, 08:30
    • Adam C aka TaumpyTearrs on Nightbreed (special Halloween revisit): “That doc is actually a primary source for the youtube video, and I remember seeing Vern write about it here.…” Nov 3, 01:18
    • caruso_stalker217 on Play Dirty: “Finally watched this last night and, man. Shane Black is my boy, but this was a rough one. Between everything…” Nov 2, 22:43
    • caruso_stalker217 on Honey Don’t!: “As probably the world’s number one DRIVE AWAY DOLLS fan, I figured I was honor-bound to watch this. So I…” Nov 2, 21:39
    • Miguel Hombre on Terminator 2: Judgment Day (30th anniversary revisit): “R.I.P. to the great cinematographer Adam Greenberg. So instrumental to the visual character and artistic success of the original first…” Nov 2, 10:51
    • Curt on Nightbreed (special Halloween revisit): “Adam, if you haven’t already seen it then you will definitely want to check out the 2019 documentary “Scream, Queen!…” Nov 2, 03:12
    • Adam C aka TaumpyTearrs on Nightbreed (special Halloween revisit): “Forgot to link the Freddy video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMVu6hrWoVU The Batman issue in case anyone wants to find a copy: https://www.dc.com/comics/absolute-batman-2024/absolute-batman-2025-annual-1” Nov 2, 00:10
    • Adam C aka TaumpyTearrs on Nightbreed (special Halloween revisit): “Great write up for an fun movie overflowing with interesting ideas, characters, designs, and world building. It doesn’t quite nail…” Nov 2, 00:07
    • Miguel Hombre on Nightbreed (special Halloween revisit): “I have a soft spot for the films directed by Clive Barker because of my unremitting love for his horror…” Nov 1, 12:59
    • Muh on Nightbreed (special Halloween revisit): “Anyway, this movie to me is so-so, it doesn’t exactly work and no one seems to have much in the…” Nov 1, 10:25

  • Recent Commented on Posts

  • Most Comments