"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Bad News Bears (2005)

July 22, 2005

I have a confession to make: I don’t think I’ve ever seen the original BAD NEWS BEARS movies in full. Parts, maybe. I know people love the first one. I don’t remember it. So this review comes from the rare perspective of a person who saw Richard Linklater’s remake in theaters and is returning to it after 20 years of still not seeing the original to find out why nobody seemed to think this stacked up to it. Ignorance is bliss!

SUMMER 2005For me the main movie to compare it to is BAD SANTA, which came from the same screenwriters, Glenn Ficarra & John Requa (CATS & DOGS). Obviously it’s not as good, but it’s the second best movie at presenting Billy Bob Thornton as an alcoholic asshole in a way that is somehow really funny and ultimately sweet in a way that doesn’t seem too phony because the guy is still an asshole, he just made a small gesture that shows he’s trying. This is a PG-13 family-friendly-ish sports movie, so the change is a little bigger than just wanting to give a stuffed elephant to a child after getting shot by the police, but it still maintains his acerbicness to pretty uncomfortable levels until the last couple innings of the big game. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 21st, 2025 | 26 Comments »

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

July 15, 2005

I’d like to say Tim Burton’s CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY plays better now than it did then, but for me it’s the reverse. I can guess based on some costumes I saw when I went to see the 2023 movie WONKA that there are people who grew up on this one and still like it, but for people my age I felt alone in believing it even had some good qualities. It was disappointing because I had faith that Depp would have an interesting take on Wonka, and that faith was not rewarded. But I could point to many things I liked about it, so I felt a little protective when people said it was worthless.

SUMMER 2005I’m partial to both the 1964 book by Roald Dahl (or at least the version of it that existed in the ‘80s) and the 1971 film by Mel Stuart starring Gene Wilder. After a teacher read the book to us in class I decided Dahl was my favorite author – I read James and the Giant Peach, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator, Danny the Champion of the World, The Twits, George’s Marvelous Medicine, The BFG, The Story of Henry Sugar and Six More, Roald Dahl’s Revolting Rhymes, I’m not sure what else. I remember waiting what seemed like forever for The Witches on inter-library loan, and it was worth it. His dark sense of humor really appealed to me. His descriptions of awful people next to those scratchy Quentin Blake drawings. When I found out he wrote “Lamb to the Slaughter” (the short story turned into the Alfred Hitchcock episode about the woman who killed her husband with a frozen leg of lamb) I was amazed. When I found out he had a book for adults called Switch Bitch I giggled. (But I never read that one.) (read the rest of this shit…)

July 18th, 2025 | 16 Comments »

Superman (2025)

If you’ve had your fill of comic book movies that’s between you and your Zod, but SUPERMAN (2025) is a particularly good one. It’s literally and figuratively colorful, it’s perfectly cast, it’s joyously funny and silly, but it deeply and sincerely loves its characters, especially its cornball hero and his do-gooder point-of-view. Also it heavily features cinema’s first great super hero pet. Being the rare one of these with a writer/director (James Gunn, SLITHER), not to mention the advantage of being the official kick off to a new do-over DC Comics (Detective Comics Comics) cinematic universe, it has a very specific setting, tone and visual style. In that sense it reminds me of what I liked about comic book movies in the ‘90s, but otherwise it feels very modern.

I personally believe that there’s more than one way to make a good movie, so I will not be disavowing Zack Snyder’s MAN OF STEEL, but I like that this one takes the exact opposite approach. Snyder’s version emphasized the awe – it was about a god-like being coming to a quasi-realistic earth, and how humanity reacts. We witnessed him as mortals, looking up trying to catch a shaky glimpse of him in the sky. Gunn gives us a world where “meta-humans” have been around for centuries, and Superman has been public for three years, so people are used to it. Right off the bat Gunn and director of photography Henry Braham (ROAD HOUSE remake) put the camera steady on Superman’s face when he flies, like we’re right there with him. He’s one of us. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 16th, 2025 | 47 Comments »

Wedding Crashers (20 years later rematch)

July 15, 2005

WEDDING CRASHERS is kinda like an old nemesis of mine. I reviewed it very negatively on The Ain’t It Cool News twenty years ago and though mostly people believed me there were some talkbackers who also saw it in preview screenings who got kinda mad at me. It wasn’t as controversial as my THE TRANSFORMERS pan or anything but I was applying a similar (in retrospect overblown) destructive fury to it – the headline was “Fuck WEDDING CRASHERS.” It was being hailed as a new comedy benchmark, or a return to the raunchy R-rated comedy, but I swore it would fade instantly. I made a challenge to one guy to meet back in two years and see if he still considered it a “comedic gem.” 

SUMMER 2005If we had followed through on that bet I’m sure I would’ve lost. Its popularity lasted at least five years, which I can clock by realizing in hindsight that this movie is the reason my wife’s younger cousins asked us to play “Shout” by The Isley Brothers at our wedding. But by then THE HANGOVER had come out and I think it quickly replaced WEDDING CRASHERS as the bro comedy of record (no judgment for that – I’d say it’s a funnier movie). (read the rest of this shit…)

July 14th, 2025 | 37 Comments »

Dark Water

July 8, 2005

This particular DARK WATER is the Hollywood/English-language remake of the 2002 J-horror movie from THE RING director Hideo Nakata (and based on a short story by the same author, Koji Suzuki). In 2005 I had the earlier movie fresh on my mind to compare this to, but now I came to it fresh, because I barely remember either of them. In fact I got this mixed up with DREAM HOUSE and kept expecting Daniel Craig to show up.

SUMMER 2005I did remember that it stars Jennifer Connelly (DARK CITY) and is gloomy and rainy. Connelly plays Dahlia Williams, who grew up in Seattle but the weather has apparently followed her into her adult life in New York City. She’s in the middle of a not-very-friendly custody battle with ex-husband Kyle (Dougray Scott, the guy who didn’t play Wolverine because MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 2 went over schedule) who wants her to stay close to his apartment in Jersey City, but she finds a place on Roosevelt Island. She’s not happy about it either but it’s cheap and near what she says is a good elementary school for their daughter Ceci (Ariel Gade, later in ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM). (read the rest of this shit…)

July 11th, 2025 | 6 Comments »

Fantastic Four (2005)

July 8, 2005

FANTASTIC FOUR is one of the more pure artifacts of its time that we’ve encountered in this retrospective so far. While BATMAN BEGINS was pushing forward and innovating new approaches to comic book movies, this represents a studio (20th Century Fox) following, formulating and second-guessing their way into a flavorless, impact-less nothing of a super hero adaptation.

SUMMER 2005My feelings haven’t changed on this one – I thought it was laughable at the time, which I believe was the general consensus. But it was a hit, had a sequel that was a hit, presumably has people who are fond of it, though I’ve never met them. I’d say this is a better example of a “no cultural footprint” movie than AVATAR ever was. It’s about to get its second reboot and I don’t hear anyone calling for a Jessica Alba cameo (though come to think of it that would be cool). (read the rest of this shit…)

July 10th, 2025 | 25 Comments »

28 Years Later

I went and saw Danny Boyle’s 28 YEARS LATER on opening day, two-plus weeks ago. I’ve seen a few other movies I’ve enjoyed since then, but I think this one might’ve dug into me a little deeper. It’s odd and imperfect, but that’s kinda what I like about it. When I thought about a new followup to 28 DAYS LATER and 28 WEEKS LATER I thought “okay, yeah, that could be pretty cool.” But it turns out to be something way more interesting than what I pictured.

I enjoyed going in with no clue what the shape of the story was gonna be, but I guess you’re agreeing to forgo that option by reading this, so here goes. It’s kind of like two chapters (or connected short stories?) with a wraparound. The chapters both start at Lindisfarne, a small island of zombie-apocalypse survivors that can only be accessed via a causeway during low tide. They have a rule that you can leave the island but if you don’t return nobody is allowed to go looking for you. You’re on your own. As part of a rite of passage – but a couple years ahead of schedule – 12-year-old Spike (amazing newcomer Alfie Williams) is taken to the mainland by his father Jamie (Aaron Taylor-Johnson, SAVAGES) to bow-hunt his first zombie. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 7th, 2025 | 21 Comments »

M3gan 2.0

M3GAN 2.0 is an impressive sequel because of how thoroughly it avoids repeating the format of part 1.0. It’s not even the same genre – more straight up sci-fi thriller than killer doll horror – but it feels of a piece by having the same joyful sense of absurdity. I laughed at its audacity to open as a straight up action movie – imagine if CHILD’S PLAY 2 opened with the infiltration of a terrorist compound on the Turkish-Iranian border! U.S. Army Colonel Sattler (Timm Sharp, KING OF THE ANTS) watches remotely from a war room, bragging that his agent Amelia (Ivanna Sakhno, High Fidelity) is in fact a highly advanced android on loan to Saudia Arabia to skirt laws. But just as they’re celebrating a successful test run Amelia executes the scientist she’s supposed to capture, steals his biological weapons and turns off her tracking. She’s gone rogue.

Then we get an info dump on our part 1 characters, now living in fake San Francisco instead of fake Seattle. Gemma (Allison Williams, GET OUT), genius roboticist/flawed aunt whose artificially intelligent doll creation Megan went on a killing spree, has spun her infamy into a successful career as an author and AI regulation advocate in partnership with her new boyfriend, cybersecurity expert Christian Bradley (Aristotle Athari, featured player on SNL season 47). She still works with Tess (Jen Van Epps, 1 episode Power Rangers Dino Fury) and Cole (Brian Jordan Alvarez, 80 FOR BRADY), but instead of electronic toys they’re trying to make useful and ethical things like an exo-skeleton for the disabled. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 2nd, 2025 | 19 Comments »

War of the Worlds (20th anniversary revisit)

June 29, 2005

Steven Spielberg’s WAR OF THE WORLDS (original review)(2013 Summer Flashback review) follows the BATMAN BEGINS pattern for me: loved it at the time, loved it on rewatches, but watched it now and still found myself thinking holy shit, I forgot how good this is. In the set up it’s almost JAWS-good – the beautiful look and sense of place, the natural and economical ways it sets up these people and their relationships, the dread about what horrors are coming even though honestly I wouldn’t mind hanging out longer in this normality that’s about to be interrupted.

SUMMER 2005Tom Cruise’s character Ray Ferrier kind of seems like the inevitable results of living as one of the charming dicks he played when he was younger – regular Yankees-hat-wearing, working class guy, pretty likable, but fucked up his marriage and now lives alone in a little place in New Jersey. Definitely a deadbeat in the parenting department, and isn’t disciplined enough to get his shit together (until now, when it really counts, during an alien invasion). (Spoiler.) We first see him operating a crane at the docks in Brooklyn, it looks pretty challenging and his boss (Peter Gerety, Homicide: Life on the Streets) seems to think he’s the best at it, but it’s still funny when he punches out and roars into traffic in his Mustang like he’s convinced he’s the coolest motherfucker who ever lived.

Turns out his reckless driving is for a different reason: he was supposed to be home at 8 when his ex-wife Mary Ann (Mirando Otto, HUMAN NATURE) drops off the kids to stay with him during her trip to Boston. He pretends he thought it was 8:30 and doesn’t even say he’s sorry, so it’s not that surprising his teenage son Robbie (Justin Chatwin, TAKING LIVES) hates him, doesn’t acknowledge him, won’t take off his headphones for him. (read the rest of this shit…)

July 1st, 2025 | 33 Comments »

Dangerous Animals

Somehow the Australian director Sean Byrne only has three movies. There was THE LOVED ONES (2009) and THE DEVIL’S CANDY (2015) and now a whole ten years later he has DANGEROUS ANIMALS. I liked all three of these, but this is the first one I caught in a theater, which required some initiative because it only lasted here a week. If you missed it you can watch it on VOD and it will eventually be on Shudder and I assume on disc.

The title refers to 1) sharks, 2) a maniac who feeds people to sharks for kicks and 3) (arguably/poetically) the protagonist, who we hope has the killer instinct to survive numbers one and two.

This is not as mean or hopeless as WOLF CREEK, but it reminds me of that movie because it creates a very Australian slasher in a very Australian setting. Instead of the outback this is the Gold Coast, it’s all surfing and sharks, and like WOLF CREEK it has a really knock out, darkly funny performance by the actor playing the killer. Even better, that actor is the once-mocked and underappreciated Jai Courtney. Everything about this movie is good, but he’s the main reason to watch it. (read the rest of this shit…)

June 30th, 2025 | 7 Comments »

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