Archive for the ‘Action’ Category
Saturday, June 3rd, 2006
Some of you may be wondering why the Bruce icon would adorn a review for some corny movie about an ancient war between leather clad vampires and werewolves, especially since Bruce does not appear in the film and probaly hasn’t even seen it, unless maybe on a plane. But some of you know what I’m getting at. According to recent reports, Mr. Len Wiseman – whose sole accomplishments in Hollywood so far are directing the two Underworld pictures and marrying Kate Beckinsale – will be directing “Die Hard 4.0.”
Now, I got a history with this movie, sort of. A while back, an Ain’t It Cool talkbacker named IAmLegolas begged me to review Underworld Evolution. I said I couldn’t because I hadn’t seen the first one and considering how boring I’d heard that was it might be more research than I was willing to do. As soon as I read this Die Hard news though I realized that Legolas had been ahead of his time and that the research would have to be done. And he was sure to point this out to me too. Good job YouAreLegolas, hats off to you. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Len Wiseman, vampires, werewolves
Posted in Action, Bruce, Fantasy/Swords, Horror, Reviews | No Comments »
Thursday, June 1st, 2006
ONE MAN’S JUSTICE aka ONE TOUGH BASTARD
from the director of Equilibrium
starring Brian Bosworth
This 1995 Bozploitation vehicle is on the more enjoyable end of the DTV action pictures I’ve seen. It’s not as awesome as Bosworth’s theatrical starring role STONE COLD, but director Kurt Wimmer’s slightly pretentious touch gives it the feel of an authentic ’80s action picture that Seagal or Chuck Norris might’ve made. Not the usual unwatchable crap you get on DTV, this is solid cable level filmatism.
The plot is a variation on a HARD TO KILL type of revenge deal. Bosworth is a drill instructor/hand-to-hand-combat teacher for the Army. Whether or not he will ever find a practical application for these fighting skills is anyone’s guess. He’s estranged from his wife but planning to work things out, and he has a little blonde daughter. Unfortunately, wife and daughter happen to be at a gas station where an ugly motherfucker named Marcus (Jeff Kober, the same guy who played Beserko in COYOTE MOON) is making a nefarious arms deal. The daughter witnesses the arms deal through the bushes so, under cell phone orders from a mysterious boss (all we see is the hoop ring on his nose) the bad guys massacre everybody at the gas station. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Kurt Wimmer, The Boz
Posted in Action, Reviews, Thriller | 7 Comments »
Saturday, May 27th, 2006
Hey folks, Harry here with Vern’s latest review of something odd and amazing… namely ROAD HOUSE 2. Now I want to clarify something for Vern and lots of you. I honestly feel that if you are not of comic lover, there’s a very good chance you’ll like X3. And just because you haven’t read as much, or if you can divorce what you’ve read from what the film was… or however you approached X3… you’re absolutely right and valid in your opinion. There are no wrong opinions… unless you’re a Republican. Giggle. Anyway – here’s ROADHOUSE 2 and VERN – enjoy…
My dear readers,
Well hopefully you guys missed it but I guess I kind of blew it with my last review here. I did X-MEN PART 3 which I remember enjoying but it turns out I was incorrect. There was some sort of error involving a magic crystal and fire birds or something like that, it’s kind of over my head but the point is I didn’t know enough about comic book graphic novel funnies to really grasp the true meaning of that movie. They’re telling me I was mistaken. Sorry nerds.
Okay, so I don’t know the Darth Phoenix Saga from the Phoenix Suns. So sue me. But don’t be such a Magneto. The Ain’t It Cool News is big enough for comic book fundamentalists and infidels alike. We can live in peace and we can share our passion for the films of cinema and/or DVD. All I can do to make things right is return to an area I have more expertise in than children’s comic strip books: the area of straight to video sequels to ROAD HOUSE. I dare any one of you fuckers to question my credibility on this topic. You can’t. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, DTV sequels, Jake Busey, Johnathon Schaech
Posted in Action, AICN, Reviews | 4 Comments »
Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
SPOILER ALERT !!
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here. Vern has done it again. I gut-laughed at least 3 times during this review… It contains some spoilers, so be warned of that. All these positive reviews for X3 give me hope for the film, but I am worried about a common thread going through these reviews that seem to say that if you care at all about the comics or how these characters will be different from their comic book forms then you might not like the film. Is it wrong to be a geek about a comic book movie? I just know that I loved the Dark Phoenix Saga and I wish I could shake the original comic telling of her story going into the movie, but I know I can’t. I really hope I’m smiling as hard as Vern was when watching the flick. Sounds huge and fun. After Vern, I have another review that is from a fan that is very honest about the film, but is kind of a sad read. Enjoy the laughter and happiness first!
X-MEN 3: THE THIRD AND LAST STAND OF THE X-MEN
Fellas,
In the talkback for my review of last week’s big movie, SEE NO EVIL, Brycemonkey requested that I review X-MEN 3: X3 THE THIRD X-MEN. As someone who strives for excellence that puts me in a tough position because on one hand I want to make the newsies happy by reviewing the movie, but on the other hand I’m not sure they’ll like it because I don’t know jack and/or shit about the X-Men outside of these movies.
Ordinarily that would be okay, most movies you’re not expected to do twenty years of preparatory research before you are allowed to have an opinion about them. But X-Men is different. I don’t know if anybody else has ever noticed this before, but through my personal experiences here and there I’ve made an observation that some people take this comic strip shit VERY seriously. Don’t worry, I’m not talking about you. You’re cool. But those other guys are fuckin NUTS. what a bunch of nerds, am I right? ha ha we’re different though. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Brett Ratner, Hugh Jackman, mutants, Vinnie Jones
Posted in Action, AICN, Comic strips/Super heroes, Reviews | 12 Comments »
Tuesday, May 16th, 2006
In 1985, a couple years before director Andrew Davis introduced the world to Steven Seagal in the classic ABOVE THE LAW, he did another, similar movie, sort of a rough draft, starring Chuck Norris.
They have the same setting (Chicago), the same villain (Henry Silva) and alot of the same supporting actors playing cops and criminals. They have the same type of cheesy ’80s scores by David M. Frank. (Get ready for cheesy slap bass and the whitest horn section you ever heard.) ABOVE THE LAW is about CIA corruption (inspired by the Iran-Contra affair) but CODE OF SILENCE sticks with corrupt cops. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Andrew Davis, Chuck Norris, Henry Silva
Posted in Action, Drama, Reviews | 9 Comments »
Saturday, May 6th, 2006
I like this “Mission Impossible” series. The first one, by Brian DePalma, is the best, a real tight and stylish twisty thriller with amazingly tense suspense scenes and cinematic tricks and surprises. And the occasional show offy special effects action scene. The perfect combination of Brian DePalma and summer event movie.
The second one, by John Woo, is a horrible piece of shit that finally made America realize what they had done to John Woo. But if you don’t hold it to the standards of “being a good movie” it’s pretty fucking funny. The amazing motorcycle chest bump scene comes to mind. In the John Woo filmography I consider this in the same dumb-action category as HARD TARGET and BLACKJACK. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: based on a TV show, Jay-Jay Abrams, Michelle Monoghan, P.S. Hoffman, Tom Cruise
Posted in Action, Reviews, Thriller | 49 Comments »
Monday, April 17th, 2006
SPOILER ALERT !!
Merrick actually looked up how to spell “shittiness”…
Vern just sent in this review of Steven Seagal’s new MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE.
Wow…what a sad title. Ever notice how the shittiness of titles seems commensurate with a project’s budgetary considerations, release plans, etc.? Someone should develop a “Historical Scale of Titular Shittiness” to see if this theory holds.
Seagal once broke Sean Connery’s wrist while training him for NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN. Let’s see if he now breaks Vern’s heart…
Hello, my name is Vern and I am currently rated one of North America’s top three or four practicing Seagalogists, as well as one of the top two Verns on google. I am the man to come to for the inside dope on every new Seagal picture. However for the last one, BLACK DAWN, the guy who gets me the early screeners fell through and I had to rent it after it hit the shelves just like anybody else. No big deal, I can take my lumps, but there’s a few guys out there – I remember Fat Paul was one of them, and a few others – they’re asking me if I can hook them up with the early review. And as someone who strives for excellence, I got no choice but to come through.
I missed my screener for MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE too but I managed to score the actual DVD just 48 hours before they hit the streets, and I’m here to share my preliminary findings. It’s an Easter miracle. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, Seagalogy, Steven Seagal
Posted in Action, AICN, Drama, Reviews, Seagal, Thriller | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
SPOILER ALERT !!
Hey folks, Harry here… I feel it’s my duty to bring this Vern review – as I was amongst the first to herald the genius of Paul Verhoeven’s HOLLOW MAN… sadly the version I saw well in advance of the release of that film is not the film that everyone else saw. I still like the one that was released, but no where near the longer edit which I feel was far far better. Well here’s Vern with a look at the much needed sequel! Here ya go…
Boys–
Like most DTV sequels, the title HOLLOW MAN II immediately brings up a question: who the fuck are they making HOLLOW MAN II for?
Well in this particular case, I am gonna have to step forward. I am the guilty party. They are clearly making this movie for me, and I can prove it. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Christian Slater, DTV, DTV sequels
Posted in Action, AICN, Horror, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit, Thriller | 4 Comments »
Sunday, April 2nd, 2006
There are three very clever sequences in this movie. First, it opens with narration over a starfield, and then pans over to show Mars. Suddenly the familiar UNIVERSAL logo letters spin around Mars. So it’s just like the usual studio logo except the red planet instead of the globe. Then the letters go off screen and the camera zooms into Mars and into a space colony where the movie takes place. It’s like there’s not even time to bother with a studio logo, our only option is to work it into the plot. That is how urgent it is to get to the motherfucking DOOM.
Yeah yeah, I know my movie history, so you don’t have to flood me with emails pointing out that the great visionary McG already connected the first shot of C’S As 1 to whichever studio logo it was. But this is a different thing because the movie has already started, and then we get the logo within the movie. If we are to follow our understanding of standard cinematical language, there may really be giant letters orbiting around Mars within the reality of DOOM. It all takes place indoors, so there’s no way to know if there are giant UNIVERSAL shaped shadows dripping across the landscape. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Andrzej Bartkowiak, first person POV, Karl Urban, The Rock
Posted in Action, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit, Videogame | 6 Comments »
Wednesday, March 29th, 2006
A while back I reviewed this sci-fi action movie called EQUILIBRIUM and I complained about the cliche of using techno music in all the action scenes. I asked why somebody didn’t try out some different styles of music on some action scenes. A while later a guy named Jonathan Lee wrote to inform me of a movie called MEAN GUNS where they did just that, they used mambo music during all the action (and other parts of the movie).
The only recognizable stars are Ice-T and Christopher Lambert, and then there’s a bunch of other people. Mario Van Peebles was not available. Anyway, “The Syndicate” has recently bought a prison somehow, and the day before the grand opening Ice-T calls a bunch of criminals there for big meeting, like THE WARRIORS. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Albert Pyun, Christopher Lambert, DTV or not DTV, Ice-T
Posted in Action, Crime, Reviews | 5 Comments »
