Archive for the ‘AICN’ Category
Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004
SPOILER ALERT !!
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with one of the most entertaining reviews you’ve likely read in the last few weeks. Vern-o is one of a kind… God’s own prototype. Anyway, he gives a good look at what to expect from the Third and last (maybe?) GINGER SNAPS flick… I personally didn’t care too much for GINGER SNAPS BACK, but I love the first film. I like what I’ve seen of THE BEGINNING, so I’m very optimistic… but you don’t care what I have to say! This is Vern’s show and if I don’t hand over the floor I’m likely to wake up with a strangled ant-eater in my bed. You don’t want to get on Vern’s bad side… I learned that years ago… So, here he is!
Boys –
How’s it goin. Hope those of you who went had fun at your comic book convention. Who did the delegates end up nominating anyway? Was it batman? I tell you with these volatile times, I thought it was gonna be the ’68 Comic Con all over again, guys dressed up as stormtroopers running through the streets beating up Xena and Catwoman with plastic swords, rolling robots, setting dragons on fire. But it sounds like it was peaceful. I didn’t read any of that crap you guys wrote about it but I bet it was good. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Canadian, Grant Harvey, JR Bourne, werewolves
Posted in AICN, Fantasy/Swords, Horror, Reviews | No Comments »
Friday, June 18th, 2004
Hi, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab…
Vern rarely writes to us about genuinely great movies, so when he sets aside his insane Steven Seagal fetish to write a review like this, I have to take it seriously:
Dearest Harold,
Vern here and for once I’ve got the genuine article for you. Not just a better than average straight to video-er or something. This is an actual great theatrical film that you haven’t much covered yet and that I know you boys are gonna love. Guaranteed. I saw it here at SIFF and I know it’s played some other film festivals and it’s coming soon to a theater near some place or other. And if nobody goes to see it, well then, fuck those guys. They obviously don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.
STANDER is the true story of Andres Stander, a police captain turned legendary bank robber in ’70s South Africa. At the height of the revolution he noticed that with all the police on riot duty to stop uprisings and protests, there weren’t enough police to really guard the banks. So he started robbing them, then pretending to investigate his own crimes, until he was caught and then busted out of prison and started his own very successful gang. Seems like a pretty good guy. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: bank robbers, South Africa, Thomas Jane, true crime
Posted in Action, AICN, Crime, Drama, Reviews, SIFF | 1 Comment »
Monday, June 14th, 2004
SPOILER ALERT !!
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with gobs of reviews from the SEATTLE INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL, which seems to have been kicking all kinds of ass lately. Below you’ll find our man Vern’s look at a flick from Clooney and Soderbergh’s production company, Section 8, called CRIMINAL. I love me some John C. Reilly and Diego Luna is fast becoming one of my favorite young actors after his groundbreaking performance in Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN and his love-struck puppy dog character in THE TERMINAL… Not that I have seen that yet… ahem… Here’s Vern for more on this damn cool sounding flick!
Boys –
I’m sure you’ll get more reviews on this one so I’ll keep this one short. Also because I’m a chump and haven’t ever seen NINE QUEENS, the picture from the land of Argentina which this is a remake of. Anyway CRIMINAL is the americanized version which premiered tonight in Seattle. The movie stars John C. Reilly (who was there) and Diego Luna. It’s directed by this guy Greg Jacobs, who was assistant director on an assload of Steve Soderbergh movies, but this is his first as a non-assistant director. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Gregory Jacobs, John C. Reilly, Maggie Gyllenhaal
Posted in AICN, Comedy/Laffs, Crime, Drama, Reviews, SIFF | No Comments »
Thursday, June 3rd, 2004
Hi, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab…
Okay, kids, this is the one you’ve all been waiting for, and only Vern’s got the goods:
Hey boys, it’s Vern again, sitting out the film festival for a few days or weeks because something much more important came up. Today I managed to get my hands on the video screener I wanted more than any other. You guessed it: Steven Seagal’s new picture, OUT OF REACH.
So obviously, you know, FUCK the Seattle International Film Festival. As one of North America’s leading Seagalogists, I will be watching this many more times as part of my research. But I thought it would be good to share some of my initial thoughts with you and your readers.
Seagal may be at a crossroads in his career right now. As you have no doubt read, he is planning to do a comedy, parodying himself with the help of one of those Zucker brothers. I shoulda known that Mountain Dew commercial was a harbinger of doom. I’m sure this comedy will be one of the least funny pictures of his career, but still, the fact that he is trying to make fun of himself is probaly some kind of a landmark. Once he has acknowledged the ridiculousness of his persona, will that mean he can no longer make serious movies anymore? Because I don’t see Leslie Nielsen doing any movies where he doesn’t dress up like characters from other movies and then that’s supposed to be funny, I guess. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, Seagalogy
Posted in Action, AICN, Drama, Reviews, Romance, Seagal, Thriller | 2 Comments »
Monday, May 31st, 2004
SPOILER ALERT !!
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with a couple more looks at the Seattle Film Festival’s premiere of Richard Kelly’s DONNIE DARKO: THE DIRECTOR’S CUT. First up is AICN’s own bad boy, Vern. Now, Vern has brought it to my attention that not only was Jena Malone in attendance, but so was Drew Barrymore… Being as Vern was in the same general space as two of my dream women, I think it’s safe to say that he deserves nothing less than a slow and painful death at my hands. Some of you negative retards below can disagree with me about the radiance of Ms. Barrymore and that’s fine. Less people I have to fight against in my ongoing struggle to woo this vixen! Anyway, here’s Vern-o!!!
Dear Harry,
Hey bud this is Vern. I don’t want to be a squealer or nothin but fuckin Moriarty man, that dude put me on his spam list and keeps dumping my reviews. I wrote a review of Cruel Intentions 3 to name one example of a review that the world obviously needs to see but he threw it in the trash with the p.enis enlargements and the v~icodin. I mean I understand the guy is busy, but come on. I can’t imagine he’s staying up all night polishing the dialogue on that thing. I’ll give you a hint bud: Scorpion says “Get over here.” Don’t be writing any monologues for him or anything. And then you’ll have a few extra minutes for dusting your flatscreen and putting up my reviews. So anyway that’s not the point, the point is this. I’m not going to as many SIFF movies this year, but I did manage to see Donnie Darko’s Director Cut. The world premiere. NOT the press screening which was already reviewed by “Gooter.” I don’t do press screenings. I saw it with the people. That’s just the kind of guy I am. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Patrick Swayze, Richard Kelly
Posted in AICN, Drama, Mystery, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit | 7 Comments »
Thursday, March 25th, 2004
Hey folks, Harry here… I’m so envious of Vern… he’s seen STARSHIP TROOPERS 2 – and while I know it was shot for 3 shiny canadian loons, I can’t help but hope it has more pretty people with vacant eyes being torn to shreds by big bugs! I can hope… right? Here he is…
Dear fellas,
As promised back when I reviewed WILD THINGS 2: DARK TERRITORY, I have returned with a review of STARSHIP TROOPERS 2: HERO OF THE FEDERATION, a much better straight to video sequel in my opinion. But that’s not saying much. But it’s okay though.
This part 2 is directed by Mr. Phil Tippett, the special effects genius who worked on such other part 2s as STAR WARS part 2, INDIANA JONES part 2, ROBOCOP part 2 and HOUSE part 2. He was also “demon supervisor” on THE GOLDEN CHILD part 1. He has his own studio which did some of the effects in BLADE part 2, in case any of the talkbackers were wondering how I was gonna work that one into this review.
Anyway more importantly Mr. Tippett did the effects for the first STARSHIP TROOPERS and he has also brought back the same writer, Ed “I also did ROBOCOP” Neumeier. So we’ve got some of the same people involved, even if we’re missing the crucial ingredient of Paul Verhoeven, perverted Dutchman. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, DTV sequels, siege movies
Posted in Action, AICN, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit | No Comments »
Thursday, March 18th, 2004
SPOILER ALERT !!
Hi, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab…
Next up, we’ve got our friend from Seattle, the one and only Vern…
Boys,
A few months ago I would not think I would be saying this. But I just saw the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake, and I did not want to perpetrate violent acts against anybody afterwards. Not the Scooby Doo guy, not the commercial director guy, not anybody. If the Scooby Doo dude would’ve been standing right there when I came out, and there was a clear opening to punch the guy hard in the balls, or toss him through a windshield like Steven Seagal did to that pimp in the opening scene of OUT FOR JUSTICE, I still wouldn’t have done it. I would’ve been like, “It’s cool man, it’s cool.”
That’s high praise. I would not punch the writer of this movie in the balls. Put that on the poster, fuckers. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: fast zombies, remakes, Sarah Polley, Ving Rhames, Zack Snyder, zombies
Posted in AICN, Horror, Reviews | 5 Comments »
Wednesday, March 10th, 2004
Hey folks, Harry here with Vern… he’s our magical little friend from up in Seattle and he doesn’t like KRULL! What sort of soulless mutherfucker doesn’t dig on KRULL! KRULL is the film that introduced the GLAVE and THE GLAVE is the fucking weapon of choice in my D&D household! And the Spider sequence… the sand in the hand… Ancient bitter love… FIRESTEEDS! Oh absolutely it’s got levels of funk 4 feet deep all about, but I love all sorts of crazy shit in that movie, and would love to see it in 70mm. ENVY! Ok, here’s Vern, who I still like, even if he’s too backwoods to get KRULL!
Boys –
Every once in a while – or once a year, I guess – Seattle’s landmark Cinerama (Cinerama.Com) theater has a film festival where they show a bunch of archival 70mm prints and a couple in actual 3-projector Cinerama. And then a bunch of people watch the movies, etc.
This year some of the films shown include LAWRENCE OF ARABIA, HOW THE WEST WAS WON (in 3-strip Cinerama), THIS IS CINERAMA, OKLAHOMA and IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD. I forgot to go to those but I saw GHOSTBUSTERS, TOTAL RECALL and KRULL instead. All in 70mm. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ghostbusters, Liam Neeson, Paul Verhoeven, Peter Yates, Stanley Kubrick
Posted in Action, AICN, Fantasy/Swords, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit | 7 Comments »
Monday, March 8th, 2004
Hi, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab…
This got lost in the e-mail last week, which sucks. An unpublished Vern review is like an unrecorded McCartney/Lennon song. Even if it’s for WILD THINGS 2.
Howdy boys
Not sure if you got this review that I sent you boys last week. Maybe you didn’t feel it was up to my meticulous standards. But I feel the people have a right to know. A right to know that there is a WILD THINGS 2.
So yep, I saw WILD THINGS 2. Unneccessary direct to video sequel to underrecognized 1998 John McNaughton masterpiece. And believe it or not I’ve been waiting for this one anxiously. Not expecting it would be anything other than garbage, but just hoping on the off chance that maybe it would be fun. Yeah, I’ll give you two guesses which one it was. The first one. The one about the garbage, and the not being anything other than, or whatever it was I just said. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, DTV sequels
Posted in AICN, Reviews, Thriller | 7 Comments »
Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
Hi, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab…
Nice of Vern to go out of his way to review this sequel since he reviewed the original for us. Personally, I thought this one smelled like a direct-to-video sequel when we watched it at BNAT 5 this year, and I’m not really aching to see any further adventures of the Ginger Snaps sisters. Not every horror film has to inspire a franchise if it makes a few dollars, folks. Anyway… enough from me. Here’s Vern.
What’s up boys–
A while back I reviewed for you boys a real good canadian teen werewolf picture called GINGER SNAPS PART 1. That was a real smart and original low budget picture for the teenage girls sort of like HEATHERS but with less showoffy dialogue and more werewolves and crap.
Well today I got me a special treat and that was a screener of GINGER SNAPS 2: UNLEASHED. There are alot of part twos coming to the video market this year and it’s very exciting but I guarantee none will be as good as this one. Also I know I had nothing to do with it but still I feel like I should personally apologize for that title. It means nothing! I mean might as well be GINGER SNAPS: RESURRECTION. Or reloaded or full throttle or farewell to the flesh. Or GS2 RETURN OF THE SNAPPING GINGER. That’s just a dumb title. Other than that I got no complaints about this well made sequel. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: werewolves
Posted in AICN, Horror, Reviews | 1 Comment »
